LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

how to maintain proper emotional distance


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree4Likes
  • 1 Post By Timshel
  • 1 Post By preraph
  • 1 Post By d0nnivain
  • 1 Post By preraph
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd June 2017, 12:02 PM   #1
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
how to maintain proper emotional distance

I'm doing it again. A friend is in crisis. She's on the verge of losing her house to foreclosure, which is a problem of her own making for failing to address it sooner & failing to create a plan B for when the house is sold. I've been trying to help her -- steer her toward non profits & other agencies who can help but these last ditch efforts will most likely fail.


But now I'm losing sleep & am all stressed out for her. It's affecting my ability to work. I'm practically shaking.


My therapist just keeps saying "let it go." But how? therapist thinks I should be angry at my friend for not addressing this sooner but I can't get mad at somebody who is battling depression. My friend's daughter died suddenly & my friend lost her job & hasn't been able to get another one. She's stuck in that awful place where she can't take a minimum wage job because it will cause her to lose the benefits she does have which pay more than a minimum wage job. It just sucks.


But how do I free myself from all this drama? I want to help but can't. Short of buying the house, there is nothing to be done.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 12:51 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Timshel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,984
As a parent, I am very sorry for your friend's loss of a daughter, a child. Devastating.

I am somewhat surprised that your therapist would suggest anger toward your friend....however, therapist is privy and so defer.
You are very bothered by this situation, shaking and not sleeping properly.

In my opinion, the house is too much for her and as stressful as it must be, she will probably be better off with a different living situation.

If you are wanting to help and are comfortable doing so (not internalizing) then helping her find a home/apartment that is suitable for her needs will help. Maybe a townhouse, apartment or smaller home?

Also, a garage sale.

Is she willing to let this go d0nnivain and move forward? If she is unwilling to move forward in let her home go and be in a place that is more suitable, you can't fight that fight for her.

This must be very emotional for her. Change is probably what she needs.
This is her journey, God bless her.

You do not have to save her, you're a good friend and that's enough.
gaius likes this.
Timshel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 1:29 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,496
You might try talking to her mortgage company for her, though it could be futile. But it might buy her some time especially if it looked like she might start legal proceedings or something. I had to try to keep my sister's house from being foreclosed on while she was in the hospital for 6 months. It's a thankless task, but she's still in her house. Making a full house payment, however, works wonders. Depends how far behind she is. How about if you propose she agrees to automatic withdrawal from her benefits check straight to the mortgager?

Then she will have to find a way to afford food and utilities, maybe cleaning homes off the books or whatever.

If this was going on with a real close friend of mine, I'd help her if I could, but if it was a more remote friend, I would leave helping up to those closer to her. Also, be sure those closer to her know what a crisis she is in like her parents and siblings in case she is keeping it secret. Depressed people may not tell people what's going on as they spiral downward.

Also, she could sell the home to one of those house flippers real cheap for enough to pay off what she owes and that's better than nothing.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 1:41 PM   #4
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
We're way beyond talking to the mortgage company. She already lost the foreclosure action. I'm helping her file a motion to stay the sheriff's sale of her house while she appeals the judgment of foreclosure.


She has some good legal arguments but they weren't submitted properly & now it's a big mess.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 2:24 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,496
What a mess. She let it go too long, which is what depressed people do. They are indecisive. I am SO decisive but when I had that long depression I would pace for hours to decide whether to go to Sonic or not.

So you're doing all you can do for now and that should clear your conscience on the matter and let you stop torturing yourself about it. But I guess next is how to deal with her homelessness. I would say get family involved and put her on a bus back to them.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 2:46 PM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
I know all about the indecision. For 4 years there were times I'd walk into my walk in closet & dissolve into tears because the need to pick out something to wear was overwhelming.


I've begged her to go to counseling. She cries that nobody can tell her how to feel.


She claims her family is no help.


My husband said in the worst case we can take her animals but he can't handle housing her. I don't blame him.


I already warned my therapist that if things go south for my friend, I'm going to be a wreck.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 5:14 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,920
I think you're catastrophizing the situation. It's true that she's in a tough situation, but she's being paid more than minimum wage right now. She has income. There must be an affordable apartment or a room she can rent somewhere. She won't be homeless. She has you and your husband to help care for her animals if needed. She has family. That's more than some people have. I find it hard to believe that they are as unhelpful as she says. Do you know if they at least show support?

It will suck if she loses her home, but it won't be the end of the world. She'll get back on her feet eventually. I know someone who had to claim bankruptcy, and he recovered from that. That's easy for me to say when I'm sitting on the other side of a computer screen, but I've had my own struggles with depression while being dead-broke and trying to pay the rent. You need to believe that things will get better eventually. They will. These are just setbacks.

As for creating emotional distance, you may need to talk to her less often, if that's possible. I don't mean stop helping her, but don't talk to her more than you need to. Spend more time around positive people so you can regain a positive perspective.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 3rd June 2017 at 5:21 PM..
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 6:16 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,496
I still think her family need to know what's going on. As you know, depressed people isolate. When I look back on my long depression and me isolating, I see that my friends just didn't get how bad off I was. I was still working once I got past losing one career and picked up another, and I'm stronger than any of them so I don't think they could see. They knew I wasn't wanting to go out and stuff but didn't get I was in horrific depression. One friend who wasn't even that close would manipulate me into coming over for him and stuff, and looking back, I'm grateful for that. My best friend did recognize that unless she needed me, I wouldn't accept any invitations but I'd be there if she said she needed me. But she was kind of like my younger sister and didn't know what else to do.

Then my family still looked to me to be the leader during the family crises, putting dad in nursing home, guardianship of aunt estate, etc. That's when I finally went to a psychologist because the pressure was on me and I know I was going to blow up at my family, but seeing that psychologist that few times, all it did do was let me vent. She wasn't experienced enough in life to really help me. Or psychology, for that matter.

I just think you need to let her family know. Maybe if they reached out to her and said "I wish you'd come home and visit," it would help or at least give her an option or direction. And let any known friends know as well.

It's nice of you to take her pets. That would be my number one concern in her shoes, even more than myself. Does she just not have any female friends she can go to? And why not? Has she alienated her friends in the past? I mean, none of my friends would be thrilled to let me crash at their place for very long, but all of them would put up with me for a week, I think.

So you said she gets some benefits. Does she have children or are these disability or what? I guess benefits are adjusted by where you live, but maybe in some small town she could afford a little shack with them. Is she unable to work?

I just don't think you should listen to her protestations because if she had the answers, she wouldn't be in this spot. So despite who she wants involved or not, I think that's her only real hope, that some relative or old friend will take her in. And that's really the job of the family. At the bottom of this, is it possible she's waiting for an ex to save her or something? Seems like she's waiting for something. And now she's going to hit rock bottom if she doesn't get up and get busy.

Last edited by preraph; 3rd June 2017 at 6:19 PM..
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd June 2017, 8:23 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Timshel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,984
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I know all about the indecision. For 4 years there were times I'd walk into my walk in closet & dissolve into tears because the need to pick out something to wear was overwhelming.


I've begged her to go to counseling. She cries that nobody can tell her how to feel.


She claims her family is no help.


My husband said in the worst case we can take her animals but he can't handle housing her. I don't blame him.


I already warned my therapist that if things go south for my friend, I'm going to be a wreck.
Why are you going to be a wreck over your friend's sorrow? You can't be of assistance to her, yourself or any aspect of your life while drowning in your friend's unhappiness.

You will only join her. If you want to help, be a light, do not join darkness.

Do positive, constructive things. Keep yourself healthy, then you can help her.
Timshel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th June 2017, 9:33 AM   #10
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiralOut View Post
I think you're catastrophizing the situation. It's true that she's in a tough situation, but she's being paid more than minimum wage right now. She has income. There must be an affordable apartment or a room she can rent somewhere. She won't be homeless. She has you and your husband to help care for her animals if needed. She has family. That's more than some people have. I find it hard to believe that they are as unhelpful as she says. Do you know if they at least show support? .
She does not have an income. She hasn't had a job in forever. She gets welfare, food stamps & government programs pay her utilities. She picks up junk on the side of the road & sells it to others for gas money. She works under the table once in a while helping some friend with a junk business clean out people's homes when they die. I hired her for 1 week when my secretary went on vacation just to answer the phone & do some filing.

We live in a HCOL area. "Affordable" apartments around here are $1,000 per month.

She is emotionally attached to that house because it's where her daughter died.

Her family all lives in other states. I met them once a few years ago when her mother died. She tells me her son knows but a kid who graduated from college last month who is saddled with student loans & lives a state away isn't much help.

I understand I can't fix her situation but it breaks my heart & I'm trying to keep my own sanity here. Her mess is already screwing up my life. I spent a restless night last night not sleeping. Not talking to her won't calm my thoughts. Even DH said we need to check on her daily to make sure that she doesn't kill herself & to make sure we get the animals if she does so that her family doesn't just put them down.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th June 2017, 1:42 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,496
Well, clearly she needs to be in a mental institution right now. She is attached to the house because that's where her daughter was raised, but she was too messed up by his death to function well enough to hang onto the house. I am having a VERY hard time imagining that her family, under these circumstances, wouldn't be more than happy to help her. Anyone knows how devastating the loss of a child is. She hasn't processed that and she needs help even though it's nothing she'll ever really get over. But she needs to process it so she can function.

I'd say her son can be a big help. While it wouldn't be his ideal, she could live with him and pay part of the rent for awhile. The fact the solutions are in another state should not be an issue. She needs to go to family because there's nothing for her here. She's at the end of the road here.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2017, 7:35 AM   #12
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,220
Update

My friend has exhausted all of her appeals. In 3 weeks the sheriff will padlock her house.

She was here crying & stressing last night. She has no heat. I let her take a hot shower & she joined us for dinner.

DH is still willing to take her animals so they don't have to be euthanized but he can't live with her. I don't know what she's going to do.

A lawyer friend of mine suggested that this may be a blessing in disguise for her because it should give her the impetus to move on from the house.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Best way to deal with emotional distance? copperlily Dating 5 10th March 2014 5:44 AM
Women & emotional distance hotpotato General Relationship Discussion 17 1st October 2013 5:52 PM
Emotional Distance Wednesday's Child Marriage & Life Partnerships 2 15th June 2010 11:32 PM
Emotional distance... what's going on? blob1939 Dating 8 25th May 2009 11:58 AM
Emotional distance? Men can u respond?? freckles3131 Dating 4 23rd September 2005 11:31 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:25 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.