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I just ended a toxic friendship.....I think?


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Old 31st May 2017, 4:34 PM   #1
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I just ended a toxic friendship.....I think?

Hi everyone,
I’m new to this forum and I’ve been having some problems with a friend that I met online about a year ago. I’m going to *try* to make a long story short and say that this person and I have become extremely close, talk almost every day but over the last 3 or 4 months I’d say that there have been a handful of conflicts. He suffers from depression and I have pretty bad anxiety, so theres a level of understanding and sympathy there. He’s confessed romantic feelings for me, and it got to the point where I had to filter myself around him, as not to hurt his feelings. I felt like I couldn’t talk about certain things because I didn’t want to make him sad. I brought this up a while ago and since then I think that its been rocky. We’ve been going through periods of him not talking to me then coming back with a long winded text of why he was upset and its a cycle. We had an argument over text a few days ago, which resulted in him telling me to go to hell and not talk to him anymore. Anyways, I wrote a letter to him so I’ll just include that, as well as his response. Sorry to make this a long post, I guess I’m just feeling confused now. I should just leave it, right? That would be the healthiest option? I can see now why he responded the way he did in our argument after reading the response, not saying its right but I get it. Thank you all for your time and advice (:
For the sake of time, there are details I haven’t included about this friendship and events leading up to this point. But if I can clarify anything, please ask.

Dear XXXX,

Kind of a formal address but it’s fitting, you are dear to me and I hope you know that. This isn’t to try and take jabs or written out of anger, this is just plain honesty because I owe you that and I didn’t want to just leave things without saying farewell. I’m not writing this looking for a reaction or a response (if you choose to read this, obviously you are allowed to respond or not respond in anyway you want, I mean that my intention by writing this is not to seek something from you). I’m writing this as a means of explaining what was going on inside my head, that I might not have been able to express properly before. I’m not asking you to understand where I’m coming from, I’m not asking you to care. I just wanted to write this as an attempt to lay out my thoughts. Personally, I am someone who seeks to know what happened and what was going on behind the person, so I suppose that’s what I’m attempting to offer now. There are no over dramatizations and no exaggerations, just a statement of what happened and the thoughts going through my head at the time. I want to start off by saying thank you, for helping me grow as a person. I’ve genuinely enjoyed our conversations, and you are one of the dopest people I’ve met. Thanks for giving me the time to get to know you. There is still a lot that I’m learning about myself and I know I haven’t always said the right thing in the right moment. Our friendship was one of the realest I’ve had, it ran deep. Towards the end there though, I think there was more tension and conflict, and we both felt it. The little conflicts over the span of a couple months kept building up, like irritating a wound. It very well may have been a misunderstanding, and I might have taken some things the wrong way. I think that the previous conflicts primed me to think a certain way, maybe I was on edge. You had said some hurtful things to me in the past when you were feeling down so maybe I was expecting it and misinterpreted. However, even if I misinterpreted, I don’t think that warrants being told to “go to hell”. That really hurt me.

It’s been eating at me because I never know what the hell I’m doing or if I’m justified to feel any sort of way. It’s been hard for me to draw the line between letting things go because I know people say things they don’t mean, and standing up for myself. I never wanted to blame you, but I snapped. I didn’t want to be talked to like that anymore. If someone says that they care about you, it’s distressing and confusing to hear those things. I’ve never told my friends to “just go away” or “go to hell”. What hurt me even more, is that when I finally vocalized that I had enough and didn’t deserve to be talked to in that manner, it was met with a hostile response. In the past, although we didn’t always see eye to eye, I wanted and encouraged you to tell me when I said something that bothered you, but there were some instances when I didn’t feel like I could tell you my feelings. If I attempted to, it would be turned back around on me and that left me feeling confused not sure if my emotions were even legitimate. I know that I’ve made mistakes too. It’s a two way street. I am not denying this, but I can only state how I feel and speak about my own experience. I realize that I’ve messed up, and there were many things I could have done better. I’m not perfect but I would have never said those same words to you. Go to hell. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the times where I did things or said things or acted in ways that were hurtful to you. Feelings have been trampled on, from both ends of the spectrum.

Sometimes communication isn’t enough and a friendship becomes toxic, unhealthy for both parties. This isn’t to say that we don’t care for each other, but I think growing up comes with letting go of things that don’t make you happy anymore. This is something that I’m still trying to learn how to do, and be okay with. Friendships should be fun and lighthearted, with moments of intimacy and depth. It shouldn’t be continuous arguing, and justifying of feelings, and explanations. While the outcome saddens me and I’m sorry that it turned out this way, I wish you the absolute best in life and your future. Lastly, I want to say that there are no ill feelings or resentment on my end, you have given me something truly special, sometimes good things go sour but that doesn’t mean we can’t treasure good moments in their prime. I want you to be happy. You are a caring, thoughtful, amazing person. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again one day, take care friend.

Warmest regards,
XXXX

His response:
Someones feelings are always justified. If someone hurt you they have no right to explain or try and tell you why you shouldn’t be. With that being said you’re right both sides could have done a multitude of thing better. I can communicate better. I can react and handle emotions better and that comes with time. But i would like to say you snapping on me about how you feel randomly(justifiably yes) while i am in a state of mind that everything is okay and i am helping my friend with something important brought back a lot of my childhood angst against my mother. She did that. One minute you will think everythong is okay and things are finr and everyones happy to someone yelling and snapping and blaming you for something out of nowhere. That hurt and brought a lot of memories ans feelings and yhats why I responded that way. I could have done it better and I wish i did. You didn’t deserve that. But me helping you and asking hey is it the right move to put seasoned on a cover letter and going nevermind leave it in to someone yelling at you and telling you how you ****ed up is left field and set off a weird ptsd. I understand not wanting someone to talk to you in a certain way and tone. Youre right. But someone out of the blue going “dont talk yo me and being aggressive with you out of the blue sucks. Because it wasnt like i went **** off i dont wanna help. Or anything of that nature. I helped as much as i can then someone tells you you ****ed up. Thats exactly what my mother did to me as a child. And im aware you arent my mother and you shouldn’t be talked to a certain way but i deserve space sometimes i get that uou care and want me in your life but giving someone two days after telling them stop caring for me romantically or stop being my friend isnt cool. I should have made it aware i wanted more space but i felt that was rude. You shouldn’t hAve to be weary of how youre taking things and im sorry i need to work on that but I deserve someone to not come left field and be like”im tired of this ****” when im not even sure of the **** being mentioned. Im not saying i deserve this but just going “hey what you said just now wasnt cool dont do that” and we can have a discussion or figure out if that was just plain old miscommunication. I try my best yo never hurt you when im sad and i try yo balance space aa well as caring if youre mentally okay in your day to day. But its hard to watch every single thing i said when a big aspect of my personality is just saying things jokingly without second thought. I can’t always be hyperware i try to but things slip. Im not saying you should have been calm cause you were hurt and **** happens but having someone snap on you seemingly for no reason and being told this and that in an aggressive way sucks. But that aside I’m not upset or have any ill will against you you’re still my homie. Live long and prosper my dude

Last edited by kitkat674; 31st May 2017 at 4:38 PM..
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Old 31st May 2017, 8:03 PM   #2
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Sounds like he's got some problems that are making it hard for him to function well. That bit about he says things jokingly, well, I'll bet he means a lot of it, and i've been around someone like that who would say awful things and 'just a joke.' Nah.

He just has problems. It's not anything you can change. You can dump him entirely or you can just keep an arm's length, you know, whatever you have the energy for. I don't imagine he has been able to keep too many friends, right?
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Old 31st May 2017, 8:33 PM   #3
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He has a few friends that he has mentioned, I know of one he's known since high school that he has decided to cut off (for reasons he said I wouldnt understand) and then he had me and one other close friend who is studying abroad in the UK currently but sometimes comes back to visit. Thanks for replying, I think you're right about there being issues I can't change. Its hard for me because I never know where to draw the line, do I give up on a friend who has a mental illness that they can't help and walk away? As I've said, I have some anxiety problems and its comforting because I feel like he really understands me and vice versa so its hard to let go. But if this is unhealthy for the both of us, it might be best.

Last edited by kitkat674; 31st May 2017 at 8:35 PM..
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Old 1st June 2017, 2:05 PM   #4
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As long as you enjoy the relationship more than you don't, then you can keep being friends. I just don't want you to get hardened to his way of treating you.
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Old 1st June 2017, 5:14 PM   #5
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UPDATE** he sent me this message this morning.

"I'm not very good with words or expressing my appreciation for people so I will keep this short and sweet. But I just want to say thank you. You have taught me a lot about myself, how to be a good person and friend. You give yourself a bad rap but you are one of the most kindest, endearing and smartest person I've ever met and I appreciate you. I hope that someday we can be friends again. I hope we can because you are 1 in a billion. A once in a life time friend and I care about you as much as I care about Ian or any of my other long time friends. You're a good person and please always remember if you forget anything we talked about. Remember you're not that bad. Youre a good person and you deserve to love yourself. I wrote this because my previous email was in the moment and I was at a concert. I have had time to think and Just long story short I could say thank you everyday for 100 years and it still wouldnt cover everything I've taken from our friendship. So thank you. I'm not expecting a reply or anything. I just have so much love for you in my heart that it felt wrong for me not to remind you one last time. (: I love you (my name) and I hope to see you again someday. "

This message made me a bit emotional, but I think a break would be good for us so I've decided to just leave it for now but maybe we can connect down the road.
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Old 1st June 2017, 6:43 PM   #6
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Well, that was nice. He's had some bad behavior in the past, but I believe in rewarding good behavior to encourage it and show them being nice is rewarding. I think you should maybe at least thank him for his kind words and tell him the good about him too. He has some problems or he wouldn't be spewing so much of the time, but this was a nice message.
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Old 1st June 2017, 7:07 PM   #7
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I will (: thanks for helping me out
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Old 8th July 2017, 11:03 PM   #8
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I feel sorry to hear that.
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