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getting sucked into other people's drama


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My therapist tells me to be a white board, not a sponge. I have a tendency to absorb other people's crap & let it get me down. The therapist wants me to be more emotionally impermeable so that people can throw whatever they need to get rid of at me, but at the end of the day it all just wipes away from my psyche & doesn't bring me down

 

 

Easier said than done for me. If anybody has any suggestions on how I can be less empathetic, by all means let me know.

 

 

Right now I'm awake at 5 a.m. having worked 'till midnight & not slept having been consumed by my friend's drama. She is getting foreclosed on. She fought at the trial level without a lawyer but lost. The sick part is she had valid points & should have won but some really bad stuff went on, including illegal communications between the judge & the bank.

 

 

She then hired some lawyer who made her all these promises about how he was going to get her money. It sounded fishy to me & I told her so but she was so keen on him. All he did was take the money she scraped together to pay him so he could turn around 2 days before her appeal was due & say "sorry, I'm not taking your case." I told her to report that lawyer to the bar because what he did can't be right.

 

 

But now I'm all caught up in this to the point where I'm not sleeping. I can only imagine what she's going through. Problem is I can't fix it & by being all mixed up in her stuff, it's taking away from things I have to do for myself, my business & my family.

 

 

I'm up at 5:30 hopped up on adrenaline & no sleep but I have a full day today. I know I'm going to run out of steam by noon & I don't have time for that.

 

 

How do I become more detached? Not just from her. I do this all the time. She's just my present drama. I do have a bit of a rescue / hero complex. When I am avoiding things in my own life, I charge in to fix other people's problems because they are emotionally easier than mine.

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todreaminblue

hey donnivain i have read so many empath sites about how to detach....how to ground myself and how to deal with beign an empath...but...when it comes to the crunch and those around me suffer....i get sick...physically and emotionally....my oldest girl has just moved out and it has been the biggest firestorm of strife......added onto my sons addiction worryign about my grandchildren .....finacial issues of my kids.....im stuffed ...financially i am being hit left right and center......just getting better now.....things for my girl are looking up but im still being hit pretty hard emotionally.....not really dealing with the loss ifeel.....i knocked mysefl out for two weeks on pian killers...that worked...i just slept......i have lost weight.....that cant be a bad thing....i think i just want to sleep......be a rip van winkle.....wake me up in twenty years when my kids have matured.....

 

i dont know hwo i can help you donnivain i struggle with my empathy and knocking yourself out with pain killers like i often resort too......doesnt seem like really good advice for me to give.....i hav ejust graduated from sleeeping all day to sitting up near my fish tank and watching my fishies...and nto lying in bed all day...but then i had boils ...flu and sickness to deal with.....alogn with every other thing....i just keep a mantra or two in my head...this too shall pass....and its a monent in time ....a small moment....trying to exercise lightly with stretches can release tension that you hold in your body im doing a bit of that...went naroudn to my daughters new place today adn set up hwe rphone and internet now im ready for bed.........i feel for you...lol...smilin....i relate.....ill be interested to read what people write to you here...might help me too..........hugs.......deb

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Aww Deb. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone. You are a kind hearted kindred soul; it shows in all your thoughtful sensitive posts. I'll say a prayer for you & your family. Hope you got the boils under control. ouch.

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todreaminblue
Aww Deb. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone. You are a kind hearted kindred soul; it shows in all your thoughtful sensitive posts. I'll say a prayer for you & your family. Hope you got the boils under control. ouch.

 

 

yeah healing now but im scarred again......ill add them to my collection of scars.....thanks donnivain for your prayers much appreciated...ill pray for you too....you have a beautiful heart...empaths normally do..:))..xo...deb

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I see it as something you need to tackle in two parts.

 

The first is, you need to figure out the type of person you are. It seems that you have that figured out quite well. You are a listener and you want to be there for your friend(s). At the same time, you empathize so much with other people and you allow if to affect you to the point where its actually affecting your own life, sleep pattern, relationships, moods (perhaps even moods at work -- think what happens when you are with lack of sleep and not in the best of dispositions at work).

 

The second part is figuring out what is your own role in other peoples lives and understanding the boundaries that are set out for you in that role. Meaning, your role is to be a friend for them and your role is to be there to listen to their problems and to be there for them to have someone to talk to and not feel like they are all alone in the world with their problems. Your role isn't to be a lawyer, government bureaucrat, doctor or someone else who actually has a direct effect and influence on the solutions or end result of their problems.

 

Once you better understand your own boundaries in the role you play in other peoples lives, that might help you be able to both be there for your friend when she/he needs you, and also be able to detach yourself and return you your own live when your friend has finished talking to you about their problems and leave to return to their own struggles.

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amaysngrace

I'm sorry you're going through this but it's really nothing compared to what your friend is going through.

 

I don't know if it's good to be a whiteboard that wipes everything away. We are human beings and telling us to close our hearts to those in need sounds like very bad advice.

 

Maybe that's what she needs to do to shield herself but telling people with a heart to suddenly become heartless isn't going to work too well.

 

So did your therapist give you any of the tools you need to practice becoming a whiteboard? I'm guessing no since you're asking here.

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So did your therapist give you any of the tools you need to practice becoming a whiteboard? I'm guessing no since you're asking here.

 

 

It was an imperfect analogy at best but white boards are somewhat porous. It is about me learning to have better boundaries. It has always been an issue for me. In addition to being a listener, I'm a fixer. I want to tack action to help the problem resolve. I know I have to stop that because they aren't always my problems to fix.

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amaysngrace
It was an imperfect analogy at best but white boards are somewhat porous. It is about me learning to have better boundaries. It has always been an issue for me. In addition to being a listener, I'm a fixer. I want to tack action to help the problem resolve. I know I have to stop that because they aren't always my problems to fix.

 

Understood but what's the point of having a friend or being a friend if the caring element is removed?

 

The reason you were up all night is because you care and feel for your friend. I think that makes you a good person so I'm not sure why your therapist would suggest you care less just because she has that mastered. Of course she needs a shut off valve in her line of work but your situation with your friend is personal, not professional.

 

I don't see anything wrong with the way you are. You're kind and caring so of course bad news from your friend is going to bother you.

 

Is there anything you can do to help your friend?

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Your therapist is asking you to be compartmentalized. Doctors and a lot of emergency care workers, police, etc. are trained to be that way so they can keep doing their job, but I don't think it's the healthiest way to be.

 

Best la-la advice I can throw you is one I've used my whole life, which is when you have a problem, think whether you have the power to change it. If you do, then change it. If you don't, then don't let yourself worry about it. It's out of your control.

 

I do kinda think this friend needs to see one more attorney, but the stress may be too much for her. I'm sure you've counseled her she has the option of filing bankruptcy. You can usually keep your house and it may halt the proceedings.

 

Once you've pointed her in the right direction, not much else she can do. A foreclosure normally means someone should have taken steps some time back to get solvent, whether that means a second job or a divorce or selling the house before it's foreclosed on and you're late on payments, or whether it's getting a roommate or two. She's had options. Sounds like she's waited until it's too late to solve this problem. I don't know how long she's behind on payments. That makes a difference. Those house flipper people would pay her cash, but it would be below market value usually, but maybe not that much below. She'd have to just get enough from them to pay for what she still owes to come out okay on it and walk away. Better if she can get that and enough for a downpayment on a new place, of course.

 

I know you give top notch advice, but as you well know, you can't make everyone follow it. It's bad she got a crap attorney, that's for sure. A good one might have made all the difference. I saw liquidate if she can or file bankruptcy with a bankruptcy attorney and that doesn't cost too much. But all you can do is give her options. It's up to her to have the momentum to act and she didn't have enough momentum to not end up foreclosed on so unless that was due to a big illness or something, she may not have enough to dig out of this at this late stage, but I hope so.

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