How to shake the clingy friend-of-friend?

[Artscrafter]

I've been seeing this girl "Liz" for a while now, first as friends and recently we've taken it up to full bf/gf status. It's really exciting since we're both each other's first significant others. The problem, however, is (and had been since the beginning) Liz's friend and future roommate, "Kate." (If you've been following the Friends and Lovers board, I use the same pseudonyms there.)

 

Kate is... Well, to sum it up, she's a giant ball of emotional problems. She's depressed, dependent, and has the lowest self-esteem I've ever seen. She's revealed to me that she was sexually abused as a child, and from the picture I'm able to piece together from random conversations, her life growing up was horrible. It seems that people at her school would beat her up for no apparent reason, take advantage of her work ethic to slack off in group projects and give themselves high grades and her a bad one, and so on.

 

This leads to a bunch of aggravating traits:

 

1. All the personal stories she tells are about bad things that have happened to her. When recounting what's been happening in her life recently, she just about only ever talks about depressing things. I mean, we're college students and we all like to vent, but the stuff she goes on about is way past venting. And when she keeps talking about highly depressing subjects, it gets really exhausting to hold a conversation with her.

2. She's incredibly clingy and dependent. The paranoia resulting from her traumatic past has left her almost completely incapable of walking around campus alone. There have been several times when Liz and I were playing a video game or something in my room, Kate tagged along because she didn't want to be alone, it got late at night, and Kate started to complain about being tired. She would not make the 1-minute walk between my dorm and hers; rather, she would stay and continue to complain about getting tired and needing to go to sleep until we stopped what we were doing and escorted her back. Similarly, when she's in the company of more than one other person, she needs to have people on either side of her (read: be between Liz and myself) or she gets really upset.

3. Anything even remotely violent or sexual scares her. As in, she'll so much as read something with innuendo and she's out of the room. (And if she's in a different building from her own, she's out of the room, waiting in the hallway for one of us to take her back.)

4. She's got the lowest self-esteem I've ever seen. Not only does she apologize for stuff that it's not really necessary to apologize for, she also apologizes for things that make no sense. When we tell her that she really doesn't need to apologize so much, she apologizes for apologizing so much. She assumes that she's annoying/upsetting everyone even when she's not. On the other hand, if anyone else says anything to suggest that she might be an inconvenience (even if it's something that she misinterprets) she'll get really offended and turn into a giant, moody ball of guilt.

5. She's somewhat lacking in the social graces department. She knows by now that Liz and I are dating, but she doesn't seem to understand the concept of us wanting time alone together. She's insisted on tagging along with us to movies and restaurants, and she has an annoying tendency to show up at all the wrong moments when Liz and I are hanging around together. (This year's setup had Kate in the room down the hall from Liz, so she'd always be popping by unannounced.) And when I try to explain that I want to be alone with Liz, Kate takes it as a personal insult.

 

Combinations of these things create real problems. She always sits with Liz and me during dinner with a tray crammed to the edges with food (yet she's skinny as a rail - I'm really envious of her metabolism, but that's beside the point) and proceeds to spend more time talking about the depressing aspects of her day than eating. We're always done when she's about 1/3 of the way through her food and has, for the moment, entirely taken her focus off the food. If we try to leave without her, she guilts us into staying, then apologizes for keeping us there.

 

And between her insistence on being physically between Liz and me whenever possible, combined with her tendency to show up at random times and her potential to freak out at the sight of any (so far relatively innocent) things Liz and I might be doing, it makes it hard to develop my relationship with Liz. And ever since she found out that we were dating, she's been alternately complaining about being the "odd person out" and apologizing for getting in our way.

 

 

At this point I can safely say that I don't like Kate very much. She's an okay person when she isn't being incredibly depressing, but she's forcing herself into my day so much that I'm really wishing I could see less of her. And I have a real problem with her being an obstacle between Liz and me, intentionally or not. We're all going home for the summer within the next day or so, so I won't have to worry about this for a while, but when we get back here, what should I do? I know I'm being a bit of a doormat right about now, but I can't just drop her and never speak to her again because she's going to be my girlfriend's roommate.

 

Edit/PS: At one point Kate had apparently (I'd learned about it later) contemplated suicide. Liz was able to talk her out of it, so it must not have been very serious. She's getting counseling from the school - it doesn't seem to be helping, and her family can't afford to continue it over the summer.

[Dadubwa]

holy crap........this girl has REAL issues.........I've had the "odd friend out" gulit trip in my relationships.....also a very close friend of mine (I actully ended up dateing them) kind like this......but needless to say not THIS BAD....I'm also in the same situation about the clingyness of a friend and wanted "alone time" and them being there IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNBELIEVEABLY ANNOYING......I feel your pain..............but one thing I can offer you IS...........

 

When I had a clingy friend...I ended up bringing her around ya know? I meet all my other friends.....and sure enough she started clinging on to them that's the only thin I really have to offer.........but other than that ....I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!

[RecordProducer]

Why is Kate Liz's room mate in the first place? Did she find her through an add or was she her friend before? How can such a person have friends at all?

She is definitely ill and needs professional help. Can you and Liz talk to the college psychologist and tell them all you told us? Somebody needs to take care of her and that somebody isn't you and Liz. Besides depressed and suicidal people "officially" need psychiatric help so it's not like you'll be trying to present that she's a looney or anything.

[Artscrafter]

When I had a clingy friend...I ended up bringing her around ya know? I meet all my other friends.....and sure enough she started clinging on to them

That would certainly help, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, most of my other friends decided that they wanted nothing to do with Kate as soon as they'd been within earshot of her for 5 minutes. I'm honestly only putting up with this because of Liz. At first it was because making friends with the friends of the person you want to date is a good idea, but now it's because they'll be roommates, and turning Liz's roommate against me would really suck.

 

Why is Kate Liz's room mate in the first place? Did she find her through an add or was she her friend before?

They weren't roommates this year, but they mutually agreed to be roommates next year. (We're all in college.) They were friends since before I'd really paid much attention to either of them, and I can understand why - when Kate isn't being depression incarnate, she and Liz share a lot of common interests.

 

What in particular would I tell the campus psychologist? Kate's already getting counseling there, and apparently there's some kind of limit to how much time the psychologist can spend with any one person and Kate's already exceeding it, or something to that effect.

[RecordProducer]

No, no, she sounds like she needs real help. Not just talking. She needs a doctor to get her off her depression. She sounds really ill!

The school psychologist can give her a reference and you can discretely tell her/him about her dark thoughts and how she is clingy to you and Liz and doesn't leave you alone. Just tell them everything you wrote here. It doesn't sound like you want to have sex with Liz all the time and she wants to associate with you guys. It sounds like she has no concept of normal things in life. She is not a mere sociopath. There's a whole bunch of mental diseases and she's not mentally healthy, trust me! By not reporting this, you're not doing her any favor and not helping her. It's good for her to get the proper medications and get better. People live with mental diseases and they can be controlled.

The college psychologist is stupid for not calling Kate's roommate and friends to ask about her state. She is ill and she needs help.

What does Liz say about this? So basically Liz and Kate have a lot in common? Like what? It seems that Liz is not bothered by Kate's behavior and I wonder why.

[Artscrafter]

Emotionally, Liz is the exact opposite of Kate. She's really laid-back and doesn't let anything get to her. So she's probably got a greater tolerance for the stress Kate leaves us with than I do. But she agrees with me that Kate has an annoying tendency to get in the way of our trying to have a relationship over here, and that she really needs to calm down about life in general, and so on. As for the stuff they have in common, it's mainly your basic interests like movies (they're both big fans of Lord of the Rings) and music and stuff like that. Liz and Kate seem more capable of just chatting about random stuff that isn't depressing or anything.

 

Anyway, I'll take your advice on talking to the psychologist, but unfortuntely I can't do anything about it until the fall since tomorrow is the absolutely last day we're here. Unless the psychologist happens to be in tomorrow or responds to email. Hmm, I think I ought to do that, come to think of it. Perhaps the psychologist would be able to refer Kate to a doctor closer to where she lives.