Replaced with a younger, wealthier model

[LostandLonging]

My best friend is 6 years younger than me.

 

About a year ago she met another girl the same age as her and I feel like I've been dumped. Both of them are well off financially whereas I am not.

 

After our nearly decade of friendship, she suddenly started referring to us as her "2 best friends". Ugh. The night I first heard her say that that it was like a kick to the stomach.

 

She fawns all over this new girl the way she used to do with me. Hearing her tell stories of how close they are and all the things they do together breaks my heart. It seems I can't bring up anything without her bringing up this girl, eg Me: "Guess what? I'm going to try yin yoga today!" Her: "Oh awesome! Karen loves yin yoga too!" Me: "I'm going to make stuffed mushrooms tonight" Her: "I made some great stuffed mushrooms for Karen once!"

 

One of the things that hurt the most was when she was so excited to tell me she is buying this girl a holiday for her birthday.... I love to travel but she knows I can't afford to. This girl can easily afford to but she is the one who gets the amazing, thoughtful travel gift, not me. Not that what she can give me matters, I am not friends with her because of that, but it is just such a wonderful incredible gift. She does things for and with her that I just can't afford to do, as does this new girl.

 

I am trying so hard not to be hurt and jealous but even as recently as last night (a bunch of us went out) I couldn't hide my feelings. They were taking photos together and in their own little bubble no one else could enter. Of course I just lie and say I'm fine then try to get on with the night.

 

The other girl is absolutely wonderful, I have nothing against her, but I am so hurt by my friend. I don't know how to get past this jealousy and I feel like talking to her will seem petty and childish, as though I'm demanding her sole attention. Please help.

[preraph]

She can give this girl an expensive trip because she knows she can reciprocate. Most people who can't reciprocate wouldn't feel right taking something expensive.

 

People make new friends. It's just a fact of life. It's one thing to be feeling left out, but you are overreacting when she just brings up her name. If you like the girl, then you should try to be her friend too so you won't get excluded. And you should also try to make yourself some new friends. As adults, beginning about college age, people grow away from each other as lives branch out and change. It's not always fun, that's for sure. But it is normal. you don't want to come across as resentful or jealous. Really the only proactive thing you can do is be sure that whatever time you still get to spend with your friend is a really good time full of laughs and not full of sadness and tension and complaints. So make an effort to really have fun so she wants to be with you. Good luck.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Some of the friendships most of us form will disintegrate slowly and we will be replaced with other people. At the same time, most of us will be replacing some of the friendships we have for friendships with others for one reason or the other.

 

But, consider this from a different perspective. Your friend has actually included you in her relationship with Karen by confiding in you about her new friendship with Karen! This is such an honor for you!

 

Be the person who allows your friend to have the freedom to form new and closer friendships than the one you have with her. Whenever she tells you about her delightful interactions with Karen feel honored that you are the one she's telling! Rejoice with her in this new delight in her life and encourage her in it! As you do that, your friendship with her will grow even more valuable to her than it was before. She is telling you these things because you are in her inner circle and she trusts you. Live up to her trust by being happy for her. This will elevate your friendship with her to one step higher than it was before.

 

Friends will come and go, but imho the ones that are most valuable are the ones that allow freedom for the friendship to grow, change and take on new forms.

 

I personally have some very close friendships which began with very close daily interactions where we told each other almost every tiny tidbit about our lives. I may now visit or even just talk on the phone with these friends once a year, more or less. Both I and they are now sharing the close daily interactions with other different friend(s) for all kinds of reasons such as they moved away from the area they used to live in, circumstances of some type in their lives changed, or even that they just met someone they were more compatible in some way with, etc. These same friends may have other friends they see far more frequently now and enjoy many more experiences with other than with me. But, my friendship with those friends transcends their other friendships because of the history I have with them, me doing my best to always care for their best interests above my own as long as we treat each other respectfully.

 

We are all such unique people that no one else can take our place with a friend. Therefore, it seems wise to me not to be concerned with someone else doing so since it can't happen!

 

The longer you maintain this type of friendship, still offering your warmth and companionship when needed regardless of their time spent/activities with, to another person, the dearer and more valuable you will become to any friend.

 

That is the way to form a truly deep bond with someone else.

 

This friendship your friend has with Karen may or may not last. But, if you take care of your friendship with your friend, by allowing her the freedom to be herself, you will become an even closer friend to her than you were before Karen entered the picture!

[CC12]

I don't know how to get past this jealousy and I feel like talking to her will seem petty and childish, as though I'm demanding her sole attention. Please help.

 

No, you should bring it up. She has a new friend and there's nothing you can do about that - you wouldn't be bringing it up to ask her to not be friends with her anymore, but you should let her know so that she can be a little more sensitive and stop kind of rubbing it in your face, you know?

 

"Friend, I'm glad you have a new friend and Karen is really great, but I have to be honest and admit I've been feeling a little jealous. I know I'm being ridiculous, and I'm really trying hard to be okay with everything, but right now it just kind of stings to hear about all these things you guys do together. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but for now hearing about her all the time is a little upsetting."

 

Because your friend is actually being kind of obnoxious, it's not just you. It's not very polite to brag about trips you're taking with someone else. She's almost doing the equivalent of the conversational one-upper. "Stuffed mushrooms?" "Karen!!" "Yoga?" "Karen!!!" She probably has no idea she's doing that, so maybe bringing it up will clue her in.

 

By the way, maybe you can try to be friends with Karen, too. You don't hate her. Maybe all three of you guys can eventually be BFFs.

Edited May 7, 2017 by CC12

[LostandLonging]

Because your friend is actually being kind of obnoxious, it's not just you. It's not very polite to brag about trips you're taking with someone else. She's almost doing the equivalent of the conversational one-upper. "Stuffed mushrooms?" "Karen!!" "Yoga?" "Karen!!!" She probably has no idea she's doing that, so maybe bringing it up will clue her in.

 

THANK YOU.

 

My sister said something similar but I thought perhaps she was just being biased. I thought I was being unreasonable and childish, but when my friend says things like “I was talking to Karen about how much she means to me and how happy I am we met…” I find myself thinking “Why the hell are you telling me this?!” She sends me photos of Karen's reaction when she opens an amazing gift from her and things like that. Why? Is she trying to include me but doesn't realise it's kind of cruel?

 

I feel like I have been replaced with someone who can keep up with her wealthy lifestyle, and that really stings, especially as I've always praised my friend for her down to earth attitude despite her wealth. Like, ‘you’re too poor, and now I’ve found someone who’s not so c-ya!’

 

It’s really the little things, though, you know? Special, traditional things she and I used to share that she and Karen now share. We still have our things, but I feel as though she doesn’t look as forward to them. If she has an issue she’ll call me AFTER she calls Karen first.

 

OH I don't dislike Karen at all, she's one of the loveliest people I've ever met.

 

Thank you for your advice, everyone.

Edited May 8, 2017 by LostandLonging

[carriepalmer]

Human often forget that youth and wealth would pass away with time

[stillafool]

It's time for you to find another friend (hopefully closer to your age) to hang out with. Your friend has done nothing wrong as we all start to make new friends as we grow. Make a new friend and all of you hang out together some time.

[JuneL]

It doesn't sound like Karen intentionally wanted to rub things in your face. I think the two of you have just become incompatible. Hang out with other friends.

 

You mentioned that she's a lot more well-off than you financially. How did you gals compromise your differences in lifestyle before Karen came into the picture? Like if she wanted to try out this expensive restaurant or go on an expensive trip but you couldn't afford, or if she gave you an expensive gift for your birthday or for the holidays which you couldn't reciprocate, how had you resolved such differences before?

[CC12]

THANK YOU.

 

No problem. Let us know how things turn out.

 

By the way, have you seen the movie Bridesmaids? I kept being reminded of it when reading your post. There are a lot of similarities to your situation. It's a pretty raunchy movie and there are a lot of F-bombs, probably. But if you don't mind that, you might be amused by the similarities.