aSadGirl Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Ive known a girl for a year now. She is only 22 and i am 29, she looks & acts similar to me so i feel like she´s my little sister/friend.. we dont live so close but are close friendship-wise, at least was... what we differ in is our point of view on sexuality. While i dont really want to have sex outside relationship she can easily have a one night stand even without protection.. she havent got any deaseases yet but i bet they are coming if she is so promiscuous / liberal / feminist while im more conservative / modest on this point.. I just dont want her to get sad by someone using her and then run cry to me in the end.. thats why i "slap her down": She wrote me she partied last weekend and made out on 2 diffrent guys at the same dancefloor, one of them started ignoring her.. her friend had asked him if he was gay and he went and kissed another girl so my firend went up to him and tried to talk but he ignored her completely, so she said "you are so evil!" and went out from the nightclub very upset. (Apperantly her ego got bruised he kissed another girl too and ignored her) My response was excessive and very supporting and comforting in my point of view but not in her´s. I told her in one sentense that she maybe should date the guys before she kisses them if she wants more respect. She said "Sad you are []shaming me ;(" and i said: "no im on your side!" but she said "it sounded like that ;/" and i got frustrated cause i really did my best in caring and i just got crap back and regretted i even tried to be kind.. cause i didnt feel appriciated for i just meant well! she was upset of the guys so ofcourse i cared for her and tried to make her realisise she shouldnt kiss 2 diffrent guys in same evening when they see she does.. ofcourse one of them or both might get angry/hurt/resentful... ? I called her but she didnt answer then 2 days later/yesterday she called me and i didnt answer.. i called her today and she didnt answer but texted me this: "I will call you in a little while. I just exercised and am in shower now and only got 2% battery in mobile left but i call you later <3 <3 Hug" i said "Ok nice, im out walking another hour but have a lot of stuff to do but really want to talk <3 <3 hug" then 1 hour later at 8:45 PM i texted her "Have you charged your phone yet?" no answer... AND SHE DIDNT CALL BACK I dont know how to handle this situation. SHould i just be chill and wait for her to call me tomorrow or should i text her and ask why she didnt called like she said she would? Its a trait i absolutly HATE about my realtionships.. when people dont call back when they say they will for example. i think its disprespectful.. if she wouldnt call or even text me back she cant call then she shouldnt have given me hope about that call from the beginning!!! I always call if i promise cause i dont want to let people down but apperantly people dont care as much about my feelings... So what do i do now? 1. Act like nothing happened 2. Ask in a text why she didnt call 3. Ignore when she calls and call her back at my convinience and be colder 4. Respond when she calls for example tomorrow but tell her it hurt me when she didnt called back like she said she would 5. Or something else- what? Edited May 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Even though you were only offering what you thought was sound advice, she took it the wrong way & you ended up hurting her feelings. Because you did not intent to hurt her feelings & you certainly weren't trying to []shame her, an apology is in order. I'd find a nice card at the store that says you are sorry & write something about how important your friendship is or vice versa a nice friendship card (think the Blue Mountain type cards) and write an apology. Either way . . . snail mail which shows more effort then a call, text or e-mail is in order. Edited May 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author aSadGirl Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Thank you but i saw her online på facebook posting stuff so i texted her and said it was fun posts but "You didnt called :(" She said "hi sweety! I didnt mean anything bad at all. I went shopping with mom then ate and time flew How do you feel? <3" I said "Ok i understand, im a bit tired and been sad earlier. you ? when can we talk in phone? I want to sort out what out misunderstanding in weekend cause i dont want there to be agything bad between us cause of some text that got wrong <3 " she didnt replied so i called and we spoke half an hour.. unfortunately all my tryings in making it better failed.. she said im judging her and When i said its nothing wrong of her to be "emancipated" if she feels good about it she said thats a strange word to use and seemed even more off and not liking it.. she said she will never speak about kissing guys and such cause she feels she judge me. i tried my best to be kind and say no im just wanting her best and if she feels good kissing guys then she should do it! eventually she calmed a bit down and we spoke about other things too.. i let her went about that party and she asked about why im sad (i had a brawl with my mother on phone earlier ) but yeah.. she had to sleep so we cut it short but she said goodnight etc and that she would call me tomorrow. Im afraid now our firendship took its toll... what can i do now to fix this? i hoped she´d understand and appriciate me caring but she just seemed annoyed especially about the world emancipated.. she took it as im almost calling her [names] or something and i said "aboslutely not, its just im older and looking for love but i have also kissed a guy on dancefloor and had some one night stand its just i dont want you to get hurt.. She told me she is fooling around cause she wants to move abroad soon and perhaps wont come back so she doesnt look serious on kissing and being with guys.. i understand it better now.. perhaps our firendship will part ways too? its as though despite i tried to explain myself she still considered me judging her.. i dont know what else to do.. a "sorry" doesnt feel like its gonna work.. i still got my point of views.. but she said she has understood and wont speak about kissing guys ever again to me.. i said "no ofcourse you can.. im happy as long as you are happy!" i think we are very alike her.. thats what she told me when i complained about that stingy guy i dated recently 2 months.. and that if i continued dating him i should accept that he is stingy and not complain about it.. i guess i felt the same about her "promisciousity" - like if she wants to sleep around she has to accept the consequenses and not come to me complaining about them? hmm.. Edited May 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of immediately preceeding post. Edit language Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Since you have now spoken, do as she asked & don't discuss the subject again. Continue with your friendship as if nothing happened. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 You're too judgmental about this, and I don't blame her for not liking it. She isn't like you and doesn't want to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aSadGirl Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 Since you have now spoken, do as she asked & don't discuss the subject again. Continue with your friendship as if nothing happened. ok i will try my best then.. You're too judgmental about this, and I don't blame her for not liking it. She isn't like you and doesn't want to be. well to be honest im disgusted by people who are making out with several diffrent ones in same evening.. but im a bit "bacillary-scared".. of deseases.. plus its so far ifrom a monagomous relationship (which is my biggest dream) to come! she is much younger then me but even when i was young i was very disgusted by my friends also making out with several ones at the dancefloor.. i didnt understood what drive them.. and still dont do. i want to find my one and only and has always been. ive had some one night stand but usually i try to date for a long time before sex to happen.. while she is testing a "black-skinned" just for the fun of it to check that box off her list.. its as though she wants to try EVERYTHING in sex. even if she says she wants a boyfriend/love.. i dont understand the logic.. do you have to try everything in sex with diffrent one night stands before? i´d rather wait for The One I hope one day find... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 Young people explore. If she disgusts you, you shouldn't be hanging around being privy to her personal business. She's not you and what's right for you isn't right for her. You sound more like a jealous lover and you're trying to control her like one. It's not a good fit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 I just dont want her to get sad by someone using her and then run cry to me in the end.. thats why i "slap her down" You really don't need to "slap her down." Friends shouldn't do that to each other. (Apperantly her ego got bruised he kissed another girl too and ignored her) It's not clear to me whether she was upset that he ignored her or upset that he kissed someone else, just like she did. If she was upset that he ignored her, that seems reasonable. If she was upset because he kissed someone else, then she was being hypocritical, and that's what you could have addressed. I say you could have addressed it, not that you should have. Sometimes people just want to share a funny/crazy story that happened to them, and you don't need to interject with judgments on their behavior. Or maybe people just want to vent about something that made them upset and they don't really want to hear how what they did was wrong according to your beliefs. Sometimes it's best just to listen and commiserate. I told her in one sentense that she maybe should date the guys before she kisses them if she wants more respect. The subtext of your statement is, "You don't deserve to be respected by men unless you date them before you kiss them." I'm not sure if you understand this. I'm sure a civil discussion could be had if you're still confused. Just ask. Its a trait i absolutly HATE about my realtionships.. when people dont call back when they say they will for example. i think its disprespectful.. if she wouldnt call or even text me back she cant call then she shouldnt have given me hope about that call from the beginning!!! She said she'd call you "in a little while" which means anytime in the near future. Could be hours, could be the next day. I would have been a little annoyed to be texted one hour later to ask if I was ready to talk yet. You should probably try giving your friends a little more breathing room. like if she wants to sleep around she has to accept the consequenses and not come to me complaining about them? hmm.. Then don't tell her stuff like, "no im just wanting her best and if she feels good kissing guys then she should do it!" Or "no ofcourse you can.. im happy as long as you are happy!" You're telling her one thing and you clearly feel differently. If you don't want her "complaining" to you about men, then you should have agreed when she said she wouldn't tell you about it anymore. I don't understand why you're giving her the message that it's okay to talk to you about it. It seems clear to me that you feel that she deserves whatever poor treatment comes her way. And you want her to keep telling you about it...because why? So you can continue to judge her? I think that you should not offer advice or give your opinion at all when she tells you about her man-troubles. Basically just smile and nod and say, "Oh man, that's a bummer." If you can't or don't want to do that, then tell her that she was right, and it's best that she doesn't tell you about it anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) well to be honest im disgusted by people who are making out with several diffrent ones in same evening.. While your words weren't technically S shaming, your attitude to the incident and general behaviour definitely is. This attitude would have come through very clearly in your dialogue. Very few of us are that good at disguising our true thoughts. So yeah, she's right in her analysis of the situation. When she said she'd call later, she didn't give a specific time, so don't get bent out of shape because she didn't call that evening. 'Later' means sometime in the future. Probably sooner rather than later. She will call when she's had enough time to get over what you said. Edited May 4, 2017 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/546209-policy-individual-group-bashing-berating Watch the language. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 My response was excessive and very supporting and comforting in my point of view but not in her´s. I told her in one sentense that she maybe should date the guys before she kisses them if she wants more respect. This is where the age difference of your friendship shows. I think she felt judged by you not supported. Instead of just listening to her, you put a "should" on her and that's why she got upset. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 ok i will try my best then.. well to be honest im disgusted by people who are making out with several diffrent ones in same evening.. but im a bit "bacillary-scared".. of deseases.. plus its so far ifrom a monagomous relationship (which is my biggest dream) to come! she is much younger then me but even when i was young i was very disgusted by my friends also making out with several ones at the dancefloor.. i didnt understood what drive them.. and still dont do. i want to find my one and only and has always been. ive had some one night stand but usually i try to date for a long time before sex to happen.. while she is testing a "black-skinned" just for the fun of it to check that box off her list.. its as though she wants to try EVERYTHING in sex. even if she says she wants a boyfriend/love.. i dont understand the logic.. do you have to try everything in sex with diffrent one night stands before? i´d rather wait for The One I hope one day find... That is you but it is not her. Everybody is different and just because your views on sex are different than hers doesn't make her any less than you. I think it's possible she felt like you were looking down upon her. Being a bit more tolerant to her decisions would benefit you. You may not like or agree with her choice and that's okay but keep it to yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts