Rejection in friendship

[MerylStreep]

Hi everyone ,

 

Actually I would like to know your opinions on something. I share an apartment with my best friend. So the other day I told her that I might be in love with her since we are so close. Although I'm not into girls but I don't have rigid mentality. So she got shocked as if I actually proposed my love to her. Later I made it clear that I'm not a lesbian (though being a lesbian is totally normal). But she isn't as open as I am in these matters because of her culture and religion. So she decided to move out of the apartment. And the feeling that she is leaving because of me and that she is trying to escape from me, it makes me feel rejected. So, I want to tell her that I'm not going to talk to her ever. I've already started avoiding any conversation with her. And I want to write her an email saying everything that I'm going through, like how her decision of moving out is making me feel rejected and it's better that we never talk to each other.

Do you guys think what I'm doing is right? If not what should I do?

 

Thanks

[Ronni_W]

Your friend is getting herself out of a situation that makes her feel uncomfortable. That is NOT a rejection of you as a person or as a friend.

 

She is making the best decision that she can see for herself right now. This is how we are meant to behave; taking responsibility and making choices that further our own psycho-spiritual well-being, growth, development and stability. Nothing about this is a rejection of you as a person or as a friend.

 

It would seem that you ought to have known that this type of 'revelation' would have shocked and disturbed someone whom you consider to be your best friend.

She might have expected the same from you; that you would have been more intuitively sensitive and would have taken into account her culture and religion before you made this declaration.

 

Rather than misdirect your guilt into anger and blame against her, why not offer an apology for a temporary lapse in judgment and sensitivity, and ask her what she needs from you to help her give you another chance -- to either change her mind from moving out or to feel comfortable enough to maintain the friendship and both of you work towards taking it back to the high level that it was before this mishap/mistake on your part.

[RecentChange]

What do you mean by "in love with her" but not in a lesbian sense? I am a bit confused.

 

I love my sister, I have a good friend since childhood (who I lived with as a young adult) that I love.... Like a sister. In that we are very close, can share anything and be vunerable to. I care about her, her pain is mine, her joy is mine....

 

But I am not IN love with her. I don't pine for her, I don't daydream about her. She doesn't give me butterflies in my stomach. She isn't a romantic interest.

 

If she said she was IN love with me it would freak me out.

[preraph]

If you are in love with her, then I would say you are into girls, at least this one. She reacted as anyone would who doesn't share your romantic feelings. It would simply be too awkward to keep living together. You surely must have known she was not going to be receptive to this since you claim to be best friends with her, which means she must have already shared that she likes men, and also because of her cultural differences, which you infer also prevent it.

 

What was your point of confessing this to her when you knew she wasn't into women to begin with?

[Carpe Diem]

Almost all people will have unrequited love in our journey through life. It could happen once, twice, at 14, at 30 at 60 etc.

 

That's just the way life is. Often along that same journey, the tables are reversed and someone will feel a certain way about us, that we don't feel about them.

 

I've been on both ends and let me tell you, being the 'likee' is 100x easier emotionally than being the 'liker.' Truly being in love with someone and having them not feel the same, is ****ty. All you can do however is accept the concept of free will and understand that NOTHING is going to happen no matter how much you dream, do mental gymnastics to rationalize their rejection into not a rejection etc etc.

 

There is also a second part, understanding what to say and what to not in these complex situations. My best friend, who is gay, is in love with a woman from her work and has been for years. This woman is married with 3 children. They teach high school together in a middle sized community. I ask you...... what would be the point of saying anything, as hard as it is to not. There's about a 98% chance of a ****storm, 1.7% of nothing coming of it and <0.3% of it turning out the way my friend has dreamed for years. This is ****ty, but it's life.

 

You made the decision to say something, now unfortunately there's blowback. All you can do is move on and let it go. Trying to create situations where you can 'explain' yourself will just make it worse.

 

Good luck. It doesn't seem like it now, but please believe me when I tell you that time will make it better, and in a few years it'll be the proverbial "water under the bridge"

Edited April 22, 2017 by Carpe Diem
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[maxi105]

hey there, what I think you have done is incredibly brave, you’ve spoken from the heart and that is always the best thing to do in the long run. even though you may not feel like that now!

 

unfortunately it hasn’t worked for you this time but that is the risk of talking over feelings regardless of sexuality. Some people will be into you others not,

 

sexuality where it is uncertain adds another difficult element to honest talking and emotional feeling, so that can be uncomfortable and awkward if you don’t know another person’s true sexuality.

 

The fact that this girl has moved out/is adamant that she wants to leave your apartment has done you a huge favour in a strange way!!!!

 

It sounds as though she is a bit immature as well as uncomfortable by your statement.

 

It shouldn’t stop a friendship though because nothing major happened from what you have told us; but just shows how (NOT EVERYONE I MUST STRESS) but how an awful lot of people just cannot handle other peoples sexuality (regardless what people are told in the celebrity driven world we live in, or despite what people say themselves of hearing of sexuality driven topics that dont directly affect them, its fine until its closer to home, people dont talk like that often or admit that).

 

had you been a male coming out to her in the same way she might have behaved differently and see you as some kind of trophy to have on her arm, it happens too, but again not to every gay male with straight female friends, but it happens, and the media encourage this kind of stereotyping of peoples sexual selves.people are just people if they are happy in steryoypes thats one thing, but not everyone is or be made to feel as though they should be.

 

You must be yourself.

 

if you want to write to her then do so, get what you want off your chest and apologise if you think it will help you; and you might be able to explain to her, but be careful if she is as immature or spiteful as some people can be in a situation as this, because you may find out if others get to know your personal business they may also treat you in the same immature, uncaring and gossipy - and quite frankly appalling way.

 

Why not get in touch and tell her you are sorry for the mistake and would like to talk to her to put her mind at ease and sort out this small misunderstanding.

 

if she still is not corresponding then she isn’t worth it I’m afraid, but I’m pretty sure "when/(IF) she does grow up a bit" she will probably look back in time and regret the childish and selfish way she has treated you. You were close, you were friends and she is dramatically thinking of labels and sexual/romantic acts that may not even have been spoken of out of fear or association.

 

Her actions tell you about her!!!! Not the sort of person you are.

 

Would you really want a relationship with someone like that anyway even if she was gay?

 

If you are not sure of your sexuality then maybe explore that quietly and if you find you are not gay then you will at least know you have an open mind for those that are that way inclined.

 

Good for you for having an open mind. It’s worth a lot in these times of self-pleasure, technological one-upmanship, fakery and built up self interest. Maybe her social group can also tell you about the sort of person she really is!

 

if it were me I’d ask to meet her and talk if she’s capable of mature adult conversation, if not write and tell her what you are telling us and say you are sorry for the mistake and leave it at that, to do that from the sounds of your post it could ease you mind no end if you do something positive to try and help your situation.(but again it all depends on how willing she is). I hope she is.

 

If she’s not interested and she cannot give you the decency to at least listen to your reasons then let her run off with her superior ways and be truly thankful that you didn’t go there (or that nothing more intimate happened)!

 

she has a right to her sexuality of course, but as a friend she surely doesn’t have a right to treat you in such a negative way without letting you talk, listen to your feelings (even if she cannot reciprocate them) or say sorry,. What kind of person just shuts another person out.it won’t solve anything for anyone carrying on in such a silly way.

 

You can’t help who you have feelings for. But in future maybe get to know the persons real attitudes and values before openly talking like this, she is embarrassed, but she is also being a bit unfair and thoughtless in her treatment of you. I’m sure her mates are just as precious as she is,and if she is not a good person (and only you know if she really is or is not)then she is probably talking over this situation with them and they are probably reassuring her she did the right thing, but that doesn’t help you does it.

 

Sadly people don’t always think about who they leave behind or how they leave them without answers that can help them move forward and heal themselves.

 

The cultural thing has also played a part in her feelings about this. But again there are people out there who have the same culture and are able and prepared to see people as people and just as that. It doesnt need to be about no contact and running away all the time, aggressively or passive-aggressively.

 

religion has caused more harm to people in many different ways that given real answers to why things happen, and as you get older religious or not you start to question things more ....you have to take people as you find them regardless and ask are they good people? If not you are better without them.

 

Me personally, I just take people in the real world as the people they are in the "real world" and ask myself are they a good person, are they good for me?

 

It isn’t as easy as it sounds that question, but it’s one is ask over and over again. You find out who really are good and what they are about and how mature, caring and trusting people really are in times like this.

 

I guess you found out in not the best way, but look, if this girl has not yet moved from your apartment. Get her on her own in a private non threatening environment where you can talk privately and openly and where you won’t be disturbed and talk to her properly. If she is a real friend she will at least give you the chance to talk. If she is not a good person or maybe a coward that has let others talk for her opinions then maybe sadly she will shut you out like a child and disrespect your feelings.

 

Good luck and don’t let this dampen your spirits. You sound like a good person to me. I hope she does talk to you though and can show you she is a good person, misguided and a little immature for your mentality, but a good person regardless. Don’t let her drag you down. Whatever happens?

[MerylStreep]

Thanks everyone.

 

Well, I pondered a lot on what had happened and I think she also did think through. As I said earlier also that we are really close to each other. We used to kiss(on cheek) and hug very often. So in the last few days it came across my mind that we could be more than just friends. And it was bothering me because I knew she would never accept a proposal from a girl.

So as we know each other for years now, I knew what I was telling her would make her react in a different way. But I had to tell the truth. We tell everything to each other. I couldn't keep my thoughts regarding her to myself. So I told her knowing that she would not accept it obviously but my motive was not to enter into a relationship with her.

After telling her my own thoughts got crystal clear. And I could see that I was just thinking too much.

She behaved that way at first but after I stopped having conversation with her maybe she realised that she over reacted. Because I hadn't actually asked her out. I just had said "I might be in love". So after a week or so we started talking. And I could see that she missed talking to me. As I said we're very close.

After what happened I don't regret that I did anything wrong I was just being true to her. And getting to know that she would leave the apartment, leave our friendship and everything I got really angry and upset. I started questioning whether all those years were a lie. But then I thought a lot and I just let the anger go and went to her and spoke like nothing happened. She also talked like before, narrating her entire day to me. I think she realised that ever since she has known me I haven't been linked with any girl so ultimately she gave more importance to our friendship than to a hunch. Although she didn't say that but I guess she realised that I didn't atleast lie to her and told the truth however shocking it was.

[maxi105]

ah, good for you (talking is the only real way forward! but as you found out it can only happen if people are willing); so I am glad you are both back to a happier place.

 

Thanks also for updating your news. its genuinely good to know that things worked out ok for you.

 

losing people for such trivial things is so easy these days it seems, but you not only managed to avoid losing a friend, but you did it without selling yourself short and by telling the truth of how things were for you at the time; so it shows that you do care, but then that was never a doubt after reading your original post.

 

good wishes, maxi