Hard time pushing away toxic friend

[wislo]

I met this friend in highschool back when I was 12. I am now 22. I hang out with 3 other friends from that same highschool and we do mostly everything together. I use to be close to this friend (let's call him Josh for explanatory purposes). We then turned to drugs in our teen years. When I decided that life wasn't for me, I pushed him away and gave no sign of life for over 6 months. I then crossed him at a concert and explained to him why I had pushed him away. Since that day, our relationship is weird. It's not what it was before and I feel like I don't need him in my life. He still to this day has trouble with drugs and alcohol and I simply don't need that type of influence in my life. I also noticed that drugs changed him in a way where I don't appreciate the person he is anymore.

 

Yet we get along pretty well but I feel like something's off. Josh is centered on himself but yet has a big heart. The thing is that he will just start giving you attention when he senses that you are being distant. He cannot handle loss. He cannot handle failure. He seeks answers where there are none. He then tries to convince others of his "theory" and bring them on his side. When I pushed him away back in our teen years, I learned that he was telling my friends that I was gay, and that was why I pushed him away because I'd developped feelings for him and wasn't able to say. He completely ignored the fact that drugs were the cause. He even had his parents support him in his theory.

 

He did something that made me feel like he was using me recently. Something to do with our job. We are both DJs and it feels like we are in a competition even though we are "friends". So he asked me for an entire library of music, which I sent him. And then he said there wasn't enough and that he wanted more. I just told him I sent all I had, there there wasn't any more music. It just made me realise that I don't want to help Josh because I no longer like him nor his personality.

 

Since that day I've been trying to ignore him but he senses it and floods me with calls, texts, facebook notifications, etc. to get my attention. I just want him to stop trying so hard. I know it's fake and that he acts like this just to get my attention for his own good. He knows I am the only friend out of his 100s of friends who truely had a good relationship with him. He's not ready to give up our childhood memories but we changed in different ways and I don't like the person he's become.

 

How should I address this situation? I know honesty is key but I'm no longer close with Josh, he thinks we're still the friends we were back in highschool. I can also feel that he is jealous of my relationship with the 3 other friends from our highschool. He probably thinks that I replaced him with them, which is the case in a sense but I truly appreciate these guys more than I ever appreciated him.

[preraph]

About all you can do is tell him you're really busy and then ignore him at least most of the time when he reaches out. Just say "I've got too much going on. Sorry."

[Jersey born raised]

There is a term "grey rocking" a technique used for evading a narcissistic personality. In essence it gets the the narcissist to go away thinking it was their idea to do so, and sadly it was for the best as "they" outgrew you. This might some it up:

 

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. They then demand you offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. As the train pulls out they wave and say bye bye sucker!

 

I use to have a link but the site is gone. It would seem your friend fits somewhere in the cluster B or Border line personality disorder scale(s) In short your friend is a user. He has no core self rather he uses people to establish a facade of personhood. Often times brilliantly.

 

The best way to deal with him is continue to freeze him out. Time and patiences is the tried and true method of doing so. I found another but have not asked for approval to post it but will do so. This site is for grey rocking Psychopaths, but still useful to some extent. Use a search function with the the term "grey rocking".

 

A book you should read is "Not Just Friends". This book deals with how a happy marriage can be destroyed by adultery due to a OSF (opposite friend sex) gone wrong due to poor boundaries. Both the suggestions I make deal with creating healthy boundaries for oneself.

[Telemachus]

You get to pick your friends in this life. You don't owe him more than a simple return of his "hello" when you encounter him in person by chance. You don't owe him even that if he calls, texts, or e-mails you.

 

If what he wants is your attention, don't give him any. He'll move on and find what he wants elsewhere.

[BC1980]

When he calls/texts, do you answer him?

[Miss Clavel]

many many addicted people have loving hearts. it's a shame that he's already in a relationship with drugs but there it is. it's sad.

 

that's how i'd handle it. i'd just say that in order to "save" my own life i can't be around people under the influence. that as much as you *cough cough** care about him, it's just not in your own best interest to be around him.

 

 

sigh, sigh, act wistful about what might have been. don't send him or give him anything but the back of your head unless or until he gets some treatment for the real underlying problem, addiction.

 

on that topic, there is an old saying that a person stops maturing at the point in their development that they started using. in other words, if you start using in your teens you stay stuck, emotionally, in you teens. you do not mature any further.

 

which might explain why you wish him well and help him with his career while he is competitive and jealous of yours.

 

for your own sake, speak to him one last time, let him know it's "not him, it's you". that you wish to stay away from drugs and drug users.

 

 

like something's off. Josh is centered on himself but yet has a big heart. The thing is that he will just start giving you attention when he senses that you are being distant. He cannot handle loss. He cannot handle failure. He seeks answers where there are none

[wislo]

When he calls/texts, do you answer him?

 

I never answer calls, but always end up answering his texts because I feel bad. We have the same circle of friends, and I don't want him to put everyone against me for ignoring him and being different.

[BC1980]

I never answer calls, but always end up answering his texts because I feel bad. We have the same circle of friends, and I don't want him to put everyone against me for ignoring him and being different.

 

That's tough. Usually, people get the hint and stop calling/texting, but he doesn't seem to be doing that. Does this circle or friends also do drugs, or are you the only one who has given up that lifestyle?

[wislo]

many many addicted people have loving hearts. it's a shame that he's already in a relationship with drugs but there it is. it's sad.

 

that's how i'd handle it. i'd just say that in order to "save" my own life i can't be around people under the influence. that as much as you *cough cough** care about him, it's just not in your own best interest to be around him.

 

 

sigh, sigh, act wistful about what might have been. don't send him or give him anything but the back of your head unless or until he gets some treatment for the real underlying problem, addiction.

 

on that topic, there is an old saying that a person stops maturing at the point in their development that they started using. in other words, if you start using in your teens you stay stuck, emotionally, in you teens. you do not mature any further.

 

which might explain why you wish him well and help him with his career while he is competitive and jealous of yours.

 

for your own sake, speak to him one last time, let him know it's "not him, it's you". that you wish to stay away from drugs and drug users.

 

 

like something's off. Josh is centered on himself but yet has a big heart. The thing is that he will just start giving you attention when he senses that you are being distant. He cannot handle loss. He cannot handle failure. He seeks answers where there are none

 

Although I did mention drugs, it's not the primary reason I don't want him in my life. one thing I noticed is that he always has a new "close" friend. It seems like he is seeking that friendship we use to have. Every few months he will be close to a new person trying to form strong bonds. It ends up never working for him because I think they get tired of him like I did. He has a personality that really isn't fun to be around for too long. Like you said he didn't mature since he started using drugs. Maybe he matured lately since he slowed down but everyone says he's just the same old Josh who talks too much and always wants to be the center of attention. Truth be told none of my friends like him but we keep getting trapped in his friendship. It feels like he manipulates people into staying in his life. I think he does it unconsciously. He developped this technique of going after people who are distant. It must be tough work for him to keep up with all this.

[wislo]

That's tough. Usually, people get the hint and stop calling/texting, but he doesn't seem to be doing that. Does this circle or friends also do drugs, or are you the only one who has given up that lifestyle?

 

Lets say we are two groups. His group of friends, which some do drugs but not all. My group of friends, which are clean. The two groups often meet up at a bar every few weeks. This is the only place I would be seeing Josh in reality. And I'm seeing him again because we DJ at the same event. That's the thing. I will not stop seeing him in person. How can I keep a 10 year old relationship dead when I'll be seeing the person a couple times a year?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Check with mod and this link is acceptable: The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths ?. Don't let the title throw you. Like "not just friends" read it for insights into how to rather then a ridged how to with exact steps to be followed.

 

Note: these two books will help you develop a life skill, picking friends carefully.

[myra_abad]

Hi, you can try to talk to Josh and explain how you feel. You have mentioned that you are the only friend he has out of his 100s of friends who truly had a good relationship with him but you don’t like the way his life turned out. There are reasons why God put someone in our lives even if we don’t like the person, He has plans for you and Josh- a future filled with hope and success. Josh may be struggling with his own worth, he needs someone to show him how valuable he is, and that someone may be you. You have mentioned that you walk away from Josh because he is not a good influence to you, may be you could influence and encourage him to have a better life too, not to do drugs and alcohol anymore. You can also encourage him to seek help for his drug problem.

 

I will be praying for you that things will be alright between you and Josh. Thank you for sharing.

Edited March 29, 2017 by myra_abad

[maxi105]

you just have to be honest with him so there is no misunderstandings why your feelings have changed.

 

ignoring people before you've given them a proper explanation about what you feel if you were once close or friends is not really fair no matter what.

 

drugs like alcohol affect different people, but at the end of it all quite a lot of people that get into them and then find out that dont have control; often become very selfish and only care about the people who also can get drugs or alcohol or will take it with them, because it is the fix they really want.

 

if it was me id be honest and say everything you feel, in a kind and fair way, if he wants to sort himself out and is serious about you as a freind (or other), and you still like him then maybe you can talk again. but blanking people never sorts anything.its a bit immature i think. i know a lot of people do it these days, but i think its just childish and holds power over others in a cowardice way that can hurt people.

 

i havent read all of the stuff online about this as im in a rush, so sorry if i have missed a lot or am repeating what others think .

 

life is too short for letting situations build up when you could just easily talk and then both people know where they stand with each other and why.

 

no contact is not what any friend or someone you got on with once desearves (unless it is a really serious matter) and from what you say it doesnt sound that serious. be the bigger person and offer a chance to talk. you wont know what he has to say unless you ask him! you might be suprised at what he wants to tell you rather than guessing (and your guesses may be way off. there is usually a reason for everything, so give him a chance to tell you) if you still dont want to know him then thats fair enough, but it wont be off the back of guessing games, mind games, what ifs and negative assumptions.

 

good luck. just communicate. you will find out the truth from him. no one else can give you that really. only he knows why what happened and why he reacted like that. the situation may not be as toxic once you find out the truth behind his behaviour.