Such trouble making friends

[LotusAvx]

I am 21 year old female. All my life, I have always had a hard time making friends. I have overcome extreme low self esteem and insecurity in my abilities to communicate with others. I have always had a few close friends, and in high school, the most friends I have ever had - but lost contact with them. Now I went to college 3 years after graduating and was hoping that there I would meet people. I have still had trouble making friends and only made acquaintances. It is so frustrating because I have the perfect idea of the social life I want - but I just can't find it.

I am also introverted so I don't know if this has something to do with it. A lot of the mindless drama girls my age go through with friends just seems so tiring and it not my thing at all.

I am someone who is into older music, meaningful/intelligent conversation and doing simple things like going out for coffee and browsing thrift stores. I can't seem to find anyone who is into that - but I know they are out there.

I am writing this because I ultimately feel shameful of my lack of social life, and afraid that I am missing something that is seemingly vital to my existence, especially in my early 20s. Social media doesn't help, so I try to avoid it. I have also never been one to post pictures of myself like everyone my age. I am in no way pretentious either - I just long for connections that are hard to find.

[preraph]

You'll have plenty of time for coffee and thrift shops when you're 80. Why not join in the normal college-age activities and at least try it?

[LotusAvx]

Well, not everyone is into the normal college-age activities, whatever you characterize that to be. I'd assume partying and drinking? Which I did for a brief time in my life but realized how nothing really good or fulfilling came of it.

[Shanex]

I was pretty much like you at your age. Not much friends, many acquantainces, lack of social skills and overall being a loner loving Gordon Lightfoot and older Metal bands rather than Britney Spears or the Pussycat Dolls.

 

Anyway, even if you abhor and in my opinion rightly so modern culture, you can make some encounters, and try to drag yourself out of your foxhole, meet like-minded young people. It took a bit for me to realise I wasn't the only one loving older bands and movies at my age, and met some great folks some I'm still friend with to this day.

 

Yeah I was sometimes called the pretentious creep before because I loved different culture than the modern stuff and noise we're bombarded with, but couldn't care less, moved on and enjoyed myself.

[preraph]

Well, not everyone is into the normal college-age activities, whatever you characterize that to be. I'd assume partying and drinking? Which I did for a brief time in my life but realized how nothing really good or fulfilling came of it.

 

Well, there is partying and drinking. And then other things we all did is visit with other people just randomly either in the dorm or out on the grassy campus, just hang out. We went nearby and played pool and we found a swimming spot. We rode our bikes around.

[Nowty V]

I am also introverted so I don't know if this has something to do with it.

 

If what you say is right, you may like to try these books. They will certainly help you to understand yourself and highlight the more [extremely] positive sides of your trait.

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

 

I would read this one first, it gives a good overview of the trait.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

This one is more in depth and provides all sorts of insights and helpful concepts.

 

Finding others to move with whom are aware of the courtesy you extend to them, and reciprocate in kind, is difficult but not impossible.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Nowty V

[SweetiePi]

Hi Lotus.

 

 

You are not alone. There are other introverted people who have the same common interests as you (even browsing thrift stores! I love doing that too). You might have more luck connecting with other introverts and people 30 and up. I've met some friends through similar hobbies. It is very hard, but force yourself to join a club or volunteer. You might meet some great people like yourself.

 

 

Try not to be hard on yourself about being introverted or lacking certain social skills. Most of us have been there too and it can takes years to grow these skills. I'm 38, very introverted and was always quite shy and awkward. I find being this way makes it hard to have more than a few close friends, but many acquaintances.

 

 

 

 

I am 21 year old female. All my life, I have always had a hard time making friends. I have overcome extreme low self esteem and insecurity in my abilities to communicate with others. I have always had a few close friends, and in high school, the most friends I have ever had - but lost contact with them. Now I went to college 3 years after graduating and was hoping that there I would meet people. I have still had trouble making friends and only made acquaintances. It is so frustrating because I have the perfect idea of the social life I want - but I just can't find it.

I am also introverted so I don't know if this has something to do with it. A lot of the mindless drama girls my age go through with friends just seems so tiring and it not my thing at all.

I am someone who is into older music, meaningful/intelligent conversation and doing simple things like going out for coffee and browsing thrift stores. I can't seem to find anyone who is into that - but I know they are out there.

I am writing this because I ultimately feel shameful of my lack of social life, and afraid that I am missing something that is seemingly vital to my existence, especially in my early 20s. Social media doesn't help, so I try to avoid it. I have also never been one to post pictures of myself like everyone my age. I am in no way pretentious either - I just long for connections that are hard to find.

[sickoflove11]

I feel very similar to you. I always had trouble having a big group of friends. Growing up I had a few but mostly had one I would spend all my time with. In high school I felt I had the most friends and social life even though it was hardly what some might call exciting. Everyone went off to college and it took me awhile to find what I wanted to do.

Over the last 4 years of moving around, I have 1 friend left from high school who lives in a different state, and its so hard to find that kind of connection with anyone where I live now. I feel awkward and just socially don't know how to be around people a lot of the time anymore.

The few friends I've mad are from my work. Some have quit so that makes it easier, but I don't see them a lot. Outside of work I have met no one.

So my best advice is a job I guess. Maybe you already have a career so maybe volunteer? My job is a part time coffee shop so many people my age there.

If you live in the SoCal area let me know, maybe we could be friends!

[Ronni_W]

LotusAvx,

 

There is absolutely no shame at all in staying true to yourself and not just mindlessly hanging out with mindless people just for the sake of it!

I'm not reading any lack of social skills into your post; rather, it sounds like you know what you like and want, and are not willing to settle for less than.

 

People who are going to judge you for what they perceive as a flaw or lack in your life exactly as it is right now, are those same mindless people who hold no interest or fascination for you. It sounds, though, like a challenge for you to not judge yourself and your life by their low and vapid standards.

 

It is so frustrating because I have the perfect idea of the social life I want

It is difficult to create one's perfect social circle; however, there are ways that you might try. For example, start or join one or more local 'Meet-Up' groups that meet your needs. Or, sign-up for a continuing-ed course in whatever type of conversation you enjoy (philosophy, spirituality, whatever). Or, check with your library about starting

a book or hobby club.

 

Again, there is nothing wrong with being discerning about wanting high-quality connections of substance, and not being willing to expend valuable time and

waste precious Energy hanging out with people who will, ultimately, drag you down...just to fulfill their outer ideas of what a 'successful social life' looks like and

consists of in this day and age.

[Hailiee7]

It can be hard making friends, but you just need to find people who are interested in the things you are interested in. Have you tried checking out any of the clubs that might interest you at your college? Or perhaps, if you like books, there could be a book club at your local book store; or if you like sport, there are clubs. Or, if you attend church you might check out what groups interest you there.

 

What I am trying to get at is that it might be a good idea to look for like-minded people who are part of a club or who congregate at a coffee house. Look for opportunities to mingle. Even if it is just smiling and saying hi to someone you don't know, it might start a conversation and who knows? Maybe eventually a friendship.

[Telemachus]

The social life you envision for yourself may be unrealistic and unachievable, at least now.

 

There's a good saying that people are unhappy for one of two reasons - either they don't know what they want, or they know but don't know how to get what they want. You seem to fall into the latter category.

 

Perhaps you will never have the social life you envision and want, but you can certainly have a more active social life than the one you have now. How? You'll have to alter, yes even lower, your standards.

 

Your biggest obstacle is one you have set for yourself - you're too rigidly selective. You want friends who are intersted in what interests you. You'll have to bend and show some interest in things that interest other people whom you encounter. It's an either/or situation - retain your rigid and high standards for friendship or adjust your standards and have more friends. You probably can't have both, not at this stage of your life with others who are near your own age.

[emerald86]

I can most certainly relate. My closest friends are the partying and drinking types - they do this nearly every weekend. We're all in our mid-20s, and I do join them every now and then, but many times, I do also feel like I don't really belong.

 

Moving to a big city allowed me to have the change that I really desired in my life. I started to try different activities like dancing, hiking, knitting, cooking, running, etc. I made it a point to try something new every weekend. I made a good number of new friends in the process, and I'm a lot happier.

 

My suggestion to you is to go out there and try something new. You may like it, or you may not. You'll meet new people and learn a lot about yourself. Who knows, you may get the social life you've always envisioned for yourself, but there's a chance you'll get something different - and better.