Feeling like the odd one out

[JustGettingBy]

My closest friend group always had a habit of getting together weekly or even more often. Now, within the past couple of months, two things seemed to have happened simultaneously:

 

1) We've been getting together less often. Since that started in mid-December, I thought at the time it was just people being busy seeing family for the holidays, etc. but even now we get together only 1-2 times per month.

 

2) Whenever someone else tries to get people together, usually most people at least respond, with around 5 or 6 people actually showing up. I'm lucky to get half of the group to respond and 3-4 people showing up. Previously, my invites had gotten as much attention as everyone else's.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I maybe there's a few things I'm not being invited to and/or that I have said or did something, or that I may be giving off some new negative vibe to put people off and not want to spend time with me.

 

What would be a good way to, in a non-confronting manner (this could all just be coincidence with me picking times that are inconvenient for others) to find out if I'm being 'pushed out' for something, or if this is just a dry spell?

[preraph]

I wouldn't confront anyone about it. Too needy. Just make an effort when you do see friends, any amount of them, to be very interested in what they've been up to and listen to what they say and then paraphrase it back to them sympathetically so they know you are listening. When you see them again, follow up to see how their situation is going now.

 

And also, and maybe most important, be FUN. Don't be a downer and talk about problems. Be happy and smiling and laugh with everyone and do something in between visits on your own that is interesting so you have something new to talk about like visit a museum or volunteer at the zoo or somewhere, take up a new hobby or sport. Be interesting, interested, and entertaining and people will want to spend more time with you.

[MsJayne]

You don't give much info about age group or partnership status of the group members. If you're young then it's possible that the group is moving into another phase of their lives, ie; serious relationships with partners which take up more time and leave less for activities with friends, and also work responsibilities, etc. Other reasons social groups cut members loose are things such as you're the only one without a partner, or maybe you drink a bit too much and offend people, maybe you said something which upset someone and they're telling others but not you, or it can just be because when you see people too often they become less interesting and people are getting bored. If you really feel that you're being side-lined maybe there's someone in the group you're close to who will give you an honest response if you ask if there's a problem.

[whichwayisup]

My closest friend group always had a habit of getting together weekly or even more often. Now, within the past couple of months, two things seemed to have happened simultaneously:

 

1) We've been getting together less often. Since that started in mid-December, I thought at the time it was just people being busy seeing family for the holidays, etc. but even now we get together only 1-2 times per month.

 

2) Whenever someone else tries to get people together, usually most people at least respond, with around 5 or 6 people actually showing up. I'm lucky to get half of the group to respond and 3-4 people showing up. Previously, my invites had gotten as much attention as everyone else's.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I maybe there's a few things I'm not being invited to and/or that I have said or did something, or that I may be giving off some new negative vibe to put people off and not want to spend time with me.

 

What would be a good way to, in a non-confronting manner (this could all just be coincidence with me picking times that are inconvenient for others) to find out if I'm being 'pushed out' for something, or if this is just a dry spell?

 

It's winter, maybe some people from the group tend to not want to socialize as much.

 

Do you feel you're negative or complainy? Can you think of something that could have come off the wrong way?

 

Chalk it up to a dry spell. You don't know what is going on with others and their personal lives so assuming it's you isn't good for your own self esteem.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't confront anyone about it. Too needy. Just make an effort when you do see friends, any amount of them, to be very interested in what they've been up to and listen to what they say and then paraphrase it back to them sympathetically so they know you are listening. When you see them again, follow up to see how their situation is going now.

And also, and maybe most important, be FUN. Don't be a downer and talk about problems. Be happy and smiling and laugh with everyone and do something in between visits on your own that is interesting so you have something new to talk about like visit a museum or volunteer at the zoo or somewhere, take up a new hobby or sport. Be interesting, interested, and entertaining and people will want to spend more time with you.

 

I agree with this. When people go out for dinner and go clubbing or whatever, they tend to want to have fun, let go and forget problems.

[JustGettingBy]

It's winter, maybe some people from the group tend to not want to socialize as much.

 

Do you feel you're negative or complainy? Can you think of something that could have come off the wrong way?

 

Chalk it up to a dry spell. You don't know what is going on with others and their personal lives so assuming it's you isn't good for your own self esteem.

 

Winter never really stopped the group from getting together before this year, so idk. I may have been a little negative due to a bunch of work related stuff that's been recurringly coming up. Nothing comes to mind that could have come up the wrong way, but its possible I'm over looking something.

 

 

You don't give much info about age group or partnership status of the group members. If you're young then it's possible that the group is moving into another phase of their lives, ie; serious relationships with partners which take up more time and leave less for activities with friends, and also work responsibilities, etc. Other reasons social groups cut members loose are things such as you're the only one without a partner, or maybe you drink a bit too much and offend people, maybe you said something which upset someone and they're telling others but not you, or it can just be because when you see people too often they become less interesting and people are getting bored. If you really feel that you're being side-lined maybe there's someone in the group you're close to who will give you an honest response if you ask if there's a problem.

 

Most of the group is partnered. There's 2 other singles but they often turn down invites, so I feel like the 3rd/5th/7th wheel a lot, but before everyone was always happy to see me, wanting to invite me, etc. I, like most of the other group rarely drinks so it wouldn't be something alcohol related. Much of the group has also become less busy with work interestingly enough, although we are mostly mid 20's. If my next couple invites go with very little or no responses I may message someone to see if something's up.

 

I wouldn't confront anyone about it. Too needy. Just make an effort when you do see friends, any amount of them, to be very interested in what they've been up to and listen to what they say and then paraphrase it back to them sympathetically so they know you are listening. When you see them again, follow up to see how their situation is going now.

 

And also, and maybe most important, be FUN. Don't be a downer and talk about problems. Be happy and smiling and laugh with everyone and do something in between visits on your own that is interesting so you have something new to talk about like visit a museum or volunteer at the zoo or somewhere, take up a new hobby or sport. Be interesting, interested, and entertaining and people will want to spend more time with you.

 

Hard to take up hobbies or sports with my work schedule. Its a stand 40 hour week, but split between multiple jobs and very wonky. I'm honestly having a hard time thinking of how to do something interesting or social when I work nights and weekends. Weekday afternoons when I'm free almost everyone else is at work, what is there for me to really do that's 'fun'?

[preraph]

Plan one thing to do by yourself on one of those afternoons and go do something different. You don't have to have friends to have fun. Go eat at a restaurant that is at the top of a skyscraper. Go see an exhibition at a museum. Drive out of town to sight-see. Go to a casino or auto races or to a garden show or home show. Volunteer for 2 hrs a week at something like animal rescue or dressing and making up underprivileged teens for special events and you'll make some new friends. Go to MAC and get your makeup done.

 

Your world is too small. This is a big world with lots to do. Look in your local paper every Sunday for weekly events in town, street fairs, food fairs, etc. Maybe not being interested in new things is one of the things limiting your time with friends, too.

[rester]

It is inevitable that the social dynamics of a group of friends will change. It's best not to fight it or take it personally. Go with the flow, as they say.

 

In my experience, as one gets older, the large group social outings become less frequent and people do things with smaller groups.

[Shanex]

How old are you?

 

In my mid20s I was literally spending every weekend night with dozen people in house or bars and clubs.

 

A decade later, I'm usually invited over for some drinks with a couple close friends watching movies or doing stuff outside occasionally, it's common enough to 'lose' friends or acquantainces as we get older since everybody settle in a profession and career and probably in a marriage too.