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Is my decision taking it too far?So I had done a couple threads over the last few wee


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 9th January 2017, 8:30 AM   #1
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Is my decision taking it too far?So I had done a couple threads over the last few wee

So I had done a couple threads over the last few weeks about a particular friendship I have been struggling with. Over the course of a couple years it has always sort of come back to the same issues- and I think I finally had some clarity over the weekend about how I want to handle it. Life is busy, it is hard to balance all of the demands and relationships and responsibilities we all have, no matter our specific set of circumstances- it's different for each person, family, etc and some are better at managing it than others, some are better at friendship too. I don't think it is a strength of this particular friend and I don't think she cares to change that as long as she has her one "best friend". I don't think she knows how to or that it matters to her- being a good friend to more people than just her bff. I'm not like that. I have a handful of friends I consider to be great friends and try to make them all feel special and important to me. I have reached this point of knowing what I need and what at this stage of my life. And it definitely is not being someone who gets the left over so to deal if another's best friend isn't available or what not. Being in a one sided friendship where I do the majority of the supporting and listening and checking in and favors and helping and encouraging. And when I do reach out I never know why version of my friend I'm going to get. If it's a convenient time I may get a decent conversation- if it's not, I won't even get a reply- not even a few days later. Even whb I am asking how a relative is or someone sick in her family or how her stressful situation at work went or the health test she was worried about- 9% of the time I get in touch not to ask her for anything or tell her about anything in my life and when she does respond, 90% of the time she does not reciprocate and ask meanything. If that works for her and that is how the friendship operates with her best friend, that is ok but not for me. I get we all have timed when we aren't in the mood to chat or don't have our phones right by us or a number of other things -but when this is a pattern- it's not going to change and it isn't me expecting too much. I've accepted that no matter how good of a friend I am to her, it just does not matter and doesn't make a difference- at least in how she treats me.So I have decided after asking her on Friday in an email how she wagering (she was sick last week) and how her work day was going- and not ever getting any reply- nothing all weekend either, that I am not going to be the typical fried. I would normally be. Usually I would check in this morning (today is one of her days off)- i would ask if she was feeling better and if her weekend went ok - knowing she had been sick. I would show I care and offer to help if she still felt bad or if anyone else in her family was sick now. But I'm not going to say a word or ask anything all week- or longer. I've decided I'm done attempting any communication on my end. If she decides to get in touch with me I may respond- but that is not showing her my boundaries- that it's not ok for me to be treated that way where our friendship only works on her terms and when she decides she has time. Life is sometimes about making time for who and what matters- a one sentence reply when a friend is trying to be kind- I don't think that is asking for too much. But then am I being just like her if I just stop trying totally? Am I making a mistake by going too far on the other end? Should I still be myself but just wait a couple weeks? Is it ok for me to not like this type of friendship and not send the message that I do? How do I set a boundary without making it confrontational? I think by just being done on my end at least for a while??!
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Old 9th January 2017, 11:33 AM   #2
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I think you need to ask yourself why you are so focused on this one person, who you have 2 or 3 threads about all relating to the same thing. Your expectations are too high, you want to make her something she isn't. Why do you allow this friendship to hold so much worth to you that it is constantly stressing you out.

If you aren't getting anything out of the friendship then let it go....you can not force someone to be something they are not.
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Old 9th January 2017, 11:49 AM   #3
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This friendship is not making you happy so you should definitely step way back from it. Either accept that she will never be more than a casual friend and be happy with that or end the friendship altogether. There is no point in continuing a friendship that is making you miserable.

Your friend may be an introvert in her private life. Introverts don't care to have a lot of close friends because always interacting with people becomes exhausting for an introvert. I am an introvert with a job that requires interaction with others, outside of my job I have family that I must communicate with and care for and just a couple of friendships that I also tend to. As an introvert I cannot be in constant communication with others, I need several hours a day of quiet time to be alone in my head and therefore I simply cannot fit more people into my life as more than casual friendships.

I have several other friends that are casual, easygoing types that share my laid back view of our friendship. We don't have demands or expectations of one another and we are all okay with each other. But you are not okay with casual friendships and so you should stay true to yourself and end this friendship as it only makes you unhappy.
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Old 9th January 2017, 11:49 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksid13 View Post
I've decided I'm done attempting any communication on my end. If she decides to get in touch with me I may respond- but that is not showing her my boundaries- that it's not ok for me to be treated that way where our friendship only works on her terms and when she decides she has time. Life is sometimes about making time for who and what matters- a one sentence reply when a friend is trying to be kind- I don't think that is asking for too much. But then am I being just like her if I just stop trying totally? Am I making a mistake by going too far on the other end? Should I still be myself but just wait a couple weeks? Is it ok for me to not like this type of friendship and not send the message that I do? How do I set a boundary without making it confrontational? I think by just being done on my end at least for a while??!
I think this friend would appreciate it if you would stop attempting communication with her. Her actions are screaming - leave me alone. I can't believe after your threads last week you still contacted her on Friday. That must have driven her crazy. This is indeed the best decision you could make regarding this woman. BTW, the way she responds to her BFF is always going to be different than it would with an acquaintance as I'm sure you must be this way with your BFF. That's why they are our best friends. Glad for you that you reached this decision.
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Old 9th January 2017, 12:31 PM   #5
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Pretty sad that someone would be so happy to have. Friend who cares bout them decide to leave them alone as one of you said. A true friend is a gift and she is actually pretty not smart as well as cruel to throw it away because she is selfish with her time. I was kind to check in Friday - a simple reply is not hard- it really isn't. But yes caring - how terrible to ask a friend if they are feeling better. What was I thinking. Obviously I see her true colors for sure now and won't need to waste anymore of my time on someone who is so unappreciative and can't even say how she truly feels and won't be honest or just have a conversation with me, her loss. You don't know her and should not defend someone when you have. Tiny tiny piece of the whole big picture. Thank you to those who offered real adocd md were kind
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