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What is the best way to deal with a flaky new friend?


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Old 2nd January 2017, 6:02 AM   #1
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What is the best way to deal with a flaky new friend?

Over the past few months I have started to become friends with someone whom lives in the same apartment block as me and I regularly see at the gym. When we have met up it has gone very well and she has always mentioned that she is keen to meet up again.

However the issue I am having is that she is extremely flaky. Overall I would say over half the time we have agreed to meet up, she has cancelled, usually at quite short notice. For example we arranged to meetup yesterday for later this morning. This morning she texted me saying she could no longer make it. I replied asking her why she frequently cancels, she just said she had stuff to do.

Some people may be alright with this sort of behaviour, however I find it really irritating (I have posted a couple of threads on the dating forum relating to this )

Is it best to tell her how annoying I find her flaky behaviour and to move on if she does not change. Should I grin and bear it or should I assume that she is not that keen on being friends with me?
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Old 2nd January 2017, 6:29 AM   #2
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She isn't that keen on being friends with you. Don't ask to meet her again. Wait until she contacts you. If she doesn't ever contact you she does not want to be your friend.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 6:37 AM   #3
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Respone to Philosopher

I'm so onto her game.. She's stringing you along for whenever she feels like it. First thing is find a different buddy at the gym and quite frankly if you don't have one then going yourself is still enjoyable. I frequently do that and find it's "me" time. Start a new play list and listen to your own jams. Think about different friends or relationships that are healthy or start new ones because girls like that don't deserve your time. I don't know if you like this girl past friendship, but if she's put you in friend zone and not even being a good one at that- she's not worth it. I don't care how hot she is, there are lots of hot girls in the world so find another one that gives you her full attention that calls you and eager to go to gym with you or just be able to talk. She sounds like an ugly person on the inside treating you like that which makes her ugly on the outside. Just do your own thing, I would go so far as to make sure you have on ear buds going to your place if in same building so if you do see her you can't be bothered by talking to her and just point to your earbud and say hey and walk into your place. lol. She'll realize what a jerk she's been and come around or not at all and her loss!
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Old 2nd January 2017, 6:44 AM   #4
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She doesn't value your opinion or your calendar. Lecturing someone about flakiness when they don't really care (based on her actions) is pointless. Just move on to other people who value spending time with you. She doesn't. Stop inviting her to do things with you, and I suspect you won't see her again outside of the gym.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 10:09 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Philosopher View Post
Over the past few months I have started to become friends with someone whom lives in the same apartment block as me and I regularly see at the gym. When we have met up it has gone very well and she has always mentioned that she is keen to meet up again.

However the issue I am having is that she is extremely flaky. Overall I would say over half the time we have agreed to meet up, she has cancelled, usually at quite short notice. For example we arranged to meetup yesterday for later this morning. This morning she texted me saying she could no longer make it. I replied asking her why she frequently cancels, she just said she had stuff to do.

Some people may be alright with this sort of behaviour, however I find it really irritating (I have posted a couple of threads on the dating forum relating to this )

Is it best to tell her how annoying I find her flaky behaviour and to move on if she does not change. Should I grin and bear it or should I assume that she is not that keen on being friends with me?
You're not high on her priority list. Don't invest so much into this new friend. It's not about ending a friendship with her but more don't put all your eggs in one basket. If she comes to meet you at the gym, great..if not just go without her and allow HER to make the plans next time. Eventually she'll either make more effort or she won't - then you'll know what type of 'friend' she is.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 5:06 PM   #6
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She's just killing time with you and if she has anything other to do, she does it. She's not a friend. Just tell her no because she's disrespectful and always flaking out.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 5:38 PM   #7
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I know she says she's keen to meet up, but how often does she actually initiate it?
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Old 2nd January 2017, 8:08 PM   #8
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I think it depends on how willing she is to initiate it. I have a couple of guy friends I go to the gym with but recently it's been hard for me to come along all the time due to feeling tired or having a long commute and then a late dinner (food then takes too long to digest for me to manage a gym trip in the evening). It feels awful not being able to commit to going as often as I'd like. I've tried to make up for it by suggesting alternative days to meet and well, profusely apologising for not always being to make it. Perhaps she is like me and the flakiness is caused by spreading herself too thin. But if she's not making an up front effort herself to balance things out, I'd probably ask her less often just to see if she steps up. And if she doesn't for a very long time then that's just it. You can still say hello to her if you bump into her in person and keep things civil.
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Old 2nd January 2017, 8:23 PM   #9
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They meet at the gym, but I had the impression Philosopher was trying to initiate activities outside the gym with her. Perhaps he can clarify.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 3:25 AM   #10
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There are two types of people in this world: people who value time commitments and those who don't. Neither is wrong, they just approach time and scheduling differently. My obvervation is that it's mostly tied to how much they need to fit into their life (job, kids, other hard time commitments).

If you are in one camp and they are in the other, and it bothers you that they are in the other so much that you are considering ditching them as a friend, ditch 'em, it isn't worth it, unless the other aspects of your friendship/relationship/etc are really worth it.

The other option, if you want to avoid being bothered by it so much, is to never assume they won't flake. They probably assume the same of you, or don't care if you do, because of how they approach time. Invite them to a party where it doesn't matter if they show up or not. Hit them up at random and ask if they want to hang out asap or in an hour.

I say this as somebody who is firmly, almost to an extreme, in the making schedules/commitments to people and keeping them. People like the one you are describing bother me incessantly.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 8:44 AM   #11
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The other option, if you want to avoid being bothered by it so much, is to never assume they won't flake. They probably assume the same of you, or don't care if you do, because of how they approach time. Invite them to a party where it doesn't matter if they show up or not. Hit them up at random and ask if they want to hang out asap or in an hour.
Good tip imo. I know people who don't really make plans but are always up for spontaneous invites.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 3:31 PM   #12
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I got some good advice recently that if someone is repeatedly disappointing you, there's a fundamental mismatch between your expectations and the reality in front of you.

For this case, that means if you do want to pursue this friendship any further, you have to lower your expectations. Make it a mutually flaky relationship based on convenience. Don't shuffle around your calendar for her sake, or treat her as any sort of priority. Flake on HER sometimes if you need to.

The best you can hope for is sporadic hangouts once in a blue moon when it suits both of your needs. That can be enough for some friendships. Those obviously aren't very deep or fulfilling friendships, but it's fine for two people who casually enjoy each other's company.
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Old 3rd January 2017, 3:37 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by angel.eyes View Post
They meet at the gym, but I had the impression Philosopher was trying to initiate activities outside the gym with her. Perhaps he can clarify.
Just to clarify we are not gym buddies in that we go to the gym and train together. It is more that I see her quite often in there, maybe once every other week or so. Usually if I see her in there I will have chat with her but will leave it at that. I tend to prefer working out by myself.

You are correct in that I want to meetup outside of the gym instead.
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Old 8th January 2017, 6:26 AM   #14
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How's things going now, Philosopher?
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Old 9th January 2017, 4:07 PM   #15
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Flakes are the worst.

Think of this as a dating situation.
Would you keep accepting a date/asking out a guy who kept cancelling?
The best thing to do is to stop accepting and making plans with her.
Right now she doesn't value you.
Continuing to let her treat you like you have no value will only cause her to devalue you more.
Once you start declining, and if she is ever lonely and has no one to hang out, she might rethink her actions and see why you don't want to hang out anymore.
People need consequences for their actions or they will keep repeating them.

Last edited by olivetree; 9th January 2017 at 4:13 PM..
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