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Woman I've been with 3 yrs says shes in FWB, WTF?


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 27th December 2016, 7:26 PM   #1
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Woman I've been with 3 yrs says shes in FWB, WTF?

Ok, here's my story. I met this chic about three years ago after my wife passed away. She is smoking hot! We started to hang out some and she kinda friend zoned me from the start. Didn't officially say it, but I knew she was out of my league. She had just broke up with a guy in an abusive relationship. We continued hanging out more and more, but she resisted any attempt at romantic moves. We never really discussed it, but she knew without a doubt I wanted her. I'm late 40's and she's 2 days shy of being exactly 10 years younger than me. After about 2 months I realized anything more was not likely, but you never know. I decided to continue being her friend because, hey, you can't have enough friends, right? And neither of us had many. And maybe I'll meet other hot chics thru her! Maybe she'll fall for me! All kinds of possibilities I told myself! But other than sex, she's been a lot like my girlfriend! We would get in fights and not speak for a month or more sometimes. We continued hanging out for over three years! 10 years ago I would have never gotten involved in something like this and used much more of a PUA approach, but I'm getting old now! I was super smooth back then!

We have many similarities in common, she has no kids (and can't), I have no kids. No real immediate family either. We have always spent holidays together because of this. It was always clear I wanted her, but I respected the friendship. I am not in love with her and don't chase her at all, but I'm a guy and she's smoking hot so you do the math! I always knew that it would end if she ever hooked up with some guy, and we discussed this and she even agreed! As long as she was available, I would continue with where ever this went! We've spent 3 to 4 nights together per week (on average) for a long time. She never hooked up with another guy (but many tried), which I found strange.

Fast forward to Christmas night. I invited her out because I new she had no where to go. I had two parties I could have attended, but I almost felt an obligation to be with her. On the way back to her place, we were talking about sexual relationships and such and out of the blue, BAM! She tells me she's been in a FWB relationship for over five years with a guy she called "Toy"! She calls him whenever she wants, to come over for sex, sometimes two to three times a week for the past 5 years. He comes over, they do it, and he leaves. No strings whatsoever. No feelings whatsoever! When she says it's over because she's found a guy, that's it! This simply floored me and I was literally speechless.

I feel like I've been used because she was never "available" as she's led me to believe (other guys too, I'm sure). I can't honestly see how you can have sex with someone two times a week for years and not have feelings for them? Why would she keep this little secrete for so long and tell me now like it was no big deal? I asked her and she said, "it never came up!" WTF? There's been multiple conversations where sexual desires and more have come up! This just seems wrong on so many levels and for so many reasons! I now have a completely different view of her and no desire to see her again. Where we once seemed to be just two lost souls going thru this world at the same time, trying to be there for each other because we truly cared for each other even though it wasn't the relationship we may have wanted, now it all seems to be a lie. I have no idea how she could tell me this and think for a moment it wouldn't matter to me!

Am I over reacting to this or was she completely wrong and being deceitful? I really want to know!
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Old 27th December 2016, 7:40 PM   #2
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I mean you guys were never actually together, right? If that's the case she doesn't need to tell you anything...that doesn't stop the fact that it hurts and felt like you were betrayed, but if you 2 weren't in a relationship, what was there to expect from her?
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Old 27th December 2016, 8:08 PM   #3
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Dude,

Been with? No, you mean a friend that you have had an unfrequented crush on for three years right?

But, you didn't accept reality. That a 10 year younger, hot, out of your league female, who has made it clear she isn't having sex with you - will in fact, never have sex with you.


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Originally Posted by WallyOkB4 View Post
and out of the blue, BAM! She tells me she's been in a FWB relationship for over five years with a guy she called "Toy"! She calls him whenever she wants, to come over for sex, sometimes two to three times a week for the past 5 years. He comes over, they do it, and he leaves. No strings whatsoever. No feelings whatsoever! When she says it's over because she's found a guy, that's it! This simply floored me and I was literally speechless.

I feel like I've been used because she was never "available" as she's led me to believe (other guys too, I'm sure). I can't honestly see how you can have sex with someone two times a week for years and not have feelings for them? Why would she keep this little secrete for so long and tell me now like it was no big deal?
The bolded statements are contradictory are they not?

Here, I am gonna clue you in, because once upon a time I was like your "friend". I had guy friends, one in particular for years - but unlike you, he really was a platonic friend, and didn't try to get in my pants. Telling him about my sex life, and who I had sex with never came up, because it kinda makes that whole platonic thing easier - don't blur the lines by talking about your sex life.

AND like this lady. I had a FWB for two years. Just like she described, on call, no questions asked, feelings kept strictly out of it. And like her, my FWB and I had the same agreement, as soon as we found someone, deal was off. We both dated here and there - I met my future husband, and ended it the same week with the FWB - after all, that had always been the deal.

Sounds like she found someone and broke it off. Why is that so confusing? Or are you just confused because that someone wasn't you?


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I now have a completely different view of her and no desire to see her again.
Oh, so now that it is completely clear that you won't be getting your willy wet, you don't care to be her friend any longer?

She saw you as a friend, and made that clear, but you didn't want to accept reality.
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Old 27th December 2016, 8:14 PM   #4
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Well here's the thing. If I had known about this FWB thing, I would have never gotten involved with her, and I can't help but think she knows that! I mean, what guy would? Take her out, spend money, walk her to her door, hug/kiss her good night, then 30 min later she's having wild sex with some guy she calls who's done nothing!

I think that's real deceitful! It's really no different from having a boyfriend and flat out lying about it! She's not available when those needs are being met, and she had no doubt that I wanted more in our relationship! And perhaps that's why we never had sex, who knows? She was getting it all along! This just seems wrong! I knew she didn't have a boyfriend, but stupid me didn't think to ask about a no strings attached FWB. She always presented her self with such high standards and morals, which I stupidly respected!
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Old 27th December 2016, 8:19 PM   #5
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It's really no different from having a boyfriend and flat out lying about it!
It is very different. It's your own fault for clinging to this, and I think you know that.
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Old 27th December 2016, 8:24 PM   #6
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It is very different. It's your own fault for clinging to this, and I think you know that.
To be fair she did kinda lead him on, but I agree with RecentChange you still took the bait so you gotta take some responsibility for that IMO.
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Old 27th December 2016, 9:16 PM   #7
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Dude,

Been with? No, you mean a friend that you have had an unfrequented crush on for three years right?

Crush, NO! Want to bang, YES!

But, you didn't accept reality. That a 10 year younger, hot, out of your league female, who has made it clear she isn't having sex with you - will in fact, never have sex with you.

She never once made it clear she never wanted to have sex with me!




The bolded statements are contradictory are they not?


I don't know what is contradictory?


Here, I am gonna clue you in, because once upon a time I was like your "friend". I had guy friends, one in particular for years - but unlike you, he really was a platonic friend, and didn't try to get in my pants. Telling him about my sex life, and who I had sex with never came up, because it kinda makes that whole platonic thing easier - don't blur the lines by talking about your sex life.


She truly led me to believe there was no sex life for her!


AND like this lady. I had a FWB for two years. Just like she described, on call, no questions asked, feelings kept strictly out of it. And like her, my FWB and I had the same agreement, as soon as we found someone, deal was off. We both dated here and there - I met my future husband, and ended it the same week with the FWB - after all, that had always been the deal.


OK, but disturbing!


Sounds like she found someone and broke it off. Why is that so confusing? Or are you just confused because that someone wasn't you?


What in the hell within my post makes you think she found someone else and broke it off?



Oh, so now that it is completely clear that you won't be getting your willy wet, you don't care to be her friend any longer?


Well, I stated and she agreed that if she hooked up with some guy, I would be out of the picture! Hey, that was the deal!


She saw you as a friend, and made that clear, but you didn't want to accept reality.
She also made it clear she's had friends in the past who became lovers!


I really think your missing my whole point! I know I'm a schmuck, and I've been around enough to know what I was doing and how stupid it was, and I take complete responsibility for it! I knew better! But damnit, she completely misrepresented herself. Why did she disclose the FWB thing out of the blue after so long?

Oh and how did your soon to be husband react to your FWB relationship when you told him? Oh, you didn't tell him! She should have been as smart as you were. Some disgusting little secretes should not be shared with anyone, PERIOD!
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Old 27th December 2016, 9:26 PM   #8
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Well, first my husband never played the orbiter game - he was very clear about his intentions and we did do any "oh you will be my platonic friend dance". I was attracted to him, and wanted to have sex with him.

As for my FWB? Oh I told him, he knows all about it. We talked about our sexuality and relationship experience. We had a talk about being exclusive (we were both multidating) and I stopped seeing all others, including good ol' FWB.

As for the part about her breaking it off, I misread your posts (tense is not consistent). I see you said she will break it off with the FWB when she finds someone - and most likely that will be the case.

Read some about orbiters, betas, whatever you want to call them, and you will see by acting like her girlfriend (or boy friend without sex as you have viewed it), rarely gets the prize.

Pretty classic "nice guy" actions and results.
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Old 27th December 2016, 9:55 PM   #9
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I'm really sorry that you have so much invested and then this happens to open your eyes.

If a woman has you in the friendzone, that means she isn't attracted to you, no matter how convenient the union would seem to you because of things in common or how logical it seems to you. She likes you as a friend. And that is all. Hanging around waiting will never change the way she feels about you, which is not romantic.

It's been going on so long that I am surprised you didn't assume before that she was dating around since she isn't dating you or showing any interest in things going beyond friendship. She probably really likes you as a friend but this comes down to how men and women are different about sex. Men will have sex under a lot of circumstances, will have sex with friends, and mostly don't want female friends unless they are also attracted to them (you ever had a good female friend who was obese?) But most women have to be very physically attracted to the guy and are not going to have sex unless they are attracted to you in that way AND also find you desirable in the other ways.

She did nothing wrong here. She made it clear eons ago she was only interested in you as a friend and her actions have not told you otherwise. You will probably have to get away from her to move on, but I hope not. I hope you're the kind of guy who can just face reality and not resent her for not wanting to have sex with you and be friends AND also pursue a relationship with some other woman.
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Old 27th December 2016, 10:04 PM   #10
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Yea I know all that crap about Alphas, etc. No need to read the book, I WROTE THE BOOK 20 YEARS AGO! SERIOUSLY!

I used to have so many women (revolving door) and even a FWB, even though I was still screwing all the other chics! Had to break off FWB because she started getting clingy and needy, so I dumped her after a year or so!

I laughed at all the other guys with their pathetic attempts to get women! I told them how to do it, and if they listened, they would get them too! I would go to bars with buddies who would ask me which chic I was going after so they wouldn't waste their time on her! I wasn't a "pretty boy" looking guy but pretty damn good looking and I knew what I was doing and was also in great shape! Nothing but muscles! I could charm their panties right off every time! This chic wouldn't have stood a chance against me back then!

Then I ruined it all by getting married! After 10 years or so, wife passes away, I'm in not so great shape at all, years taken a toll, and don't have near the confidence or drive I once had. Never expected to be back in the game again! And realize it's simply impossible to go back to were I was! So, I do stupid things like going out with this chic!
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Old 27th December 2016, 10:19 PM   #11
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I'm really sorry that you have so much invested and then this happens to open your eyes.

If a woman has you in the friendzone, that means she isn't attracted to you, no matter how convenient the union would seem to you because of things in common or how logical it seems to you. She likes you as a friend. And that is all. Hanging around waiting will never change the way she feels about you, which is not romantic.

It's been going on so long that I am surprised you didn't assume before that she was dating around since she isn't dating you or showing any interest in things going beyond friendship. She probably really likes you as a friend but this comes down to how men and women are different about sex. Men will have sex under a lot of circumstances, will have sex with friends, and mostly don't want female friends unless they are also attracted to them (you ever had a good female friend who was obese?) But most women have to be very physically attracted to the guy and are not going to have sex unless they are attracted to you in that way AND also find you desirable in the other ways.

She did nothing wrong here. She made it clear eons ago she was only interested in you as a friend and her actions have not told you otherwise. You will probably have to get away from her to move on, but I hope not. I hope you're the kind of guy who can just face reality and not resent her for not wanting to have sex with you and be friends AND also pursue a relationship with some other woman.


Man, you guy's just are not getting it! I know exactly everything you just said and have admitted it several times! I've called myself a schmuck, pathetic, looser, what more can I say! I GET IT! I feel stupid like I've been played, but I'm not devastated over this!

I've actually been seeing another chic (first date 2 weeks ago) who's almost as hot as the first one! I slept with her on the first date so give me some damn credit, OK! Keeping distant right now so she doesn't think I'm needy, but slept with her again Christmas eve, the night before this incident!

I actually started to talk with first chic about second chic to kind of see what would happen. She didn't really sound jealous, but had to immediately redirect the conversation back to her and that's when the disturbing news happened. It's almost like she was trying to "one up" me! I'm not crushed at all! I just feel like, Why in the hell would she tell me this all of a sudden! She's kept it quiet for this long, why in the hell bring it up now?
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Old 27th December 2016, 11:05 PM   #12
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okay we get it. You're the man, a womanizer even. So what were you so freaked when this one told you she was banging others? You called it disgusting, by now you say you play that game.
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Old 27th December 2016, 11:32 PM   #13
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okay we get it. You're the man, a womanizer even. So what were you so freaked when this one told you she was banging others? You called it disgusting, by now you say you play that game.
Fair enough! Well she never was banging other guys (As far as I know)! Only one guy for 5 years! I'm really trying to understand her reason for bringing this up all of a sudden. Tell me when we first meet (or shortly after) or keep that secrete to yourself forever, please! Not after I've formed some type of opinion of you that's far different then reality! You'll only destroy my image of you!

You misunderstood! I used to be the man (Past tense)! But having once been the man, I understand all this stuff and what I was doing and the likely outcome!

Yea I call it disgusting when it's a woman doing it to me! Double standard, I know! In all fairness though, I don't play that game! I played it once and only once! I realized it's not possible to sleep with someone, especially over an extended period of time, and not develop some feelings for them! And she literally got crazy when I broke it off! Back then tough, those feelings weren't enough to stop me from dumping her so I could concentrate on all the others! I'm both proud and ashamed at my behavior back then, depending on how I look at it!

A womanizer back then? Perhaps! Maybe this is just karma catching up with me!

Last edited by WallyOkB4; 27th December 2016 at 11:37 PM.. Reason: spelling error
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Old 28th December 2016, 11:09 AM   #14
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Dude,

Been with? No, you mean a friend that you have had an unfrequented crush on for three years right?
Well kinda, except for crush part. Just couldn't get all that on the title header space provided, so I had to simplify it some!
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Old 28th December 2016, 11:17 AM   #15
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first of all they are women not CHICs....

2nd of all...I couldn't help but notice your comment about how this guy gets to bang her after doing nothing.

So OP, all those nice things you did for her, they were out of friendship or out of hoping one day she would turn around and **ck you?

You can not buy a womans love...you can not chore away a womans love. Shame on you for pretending to be her friend for 3 years when really all you wanted was to **ck her. Now that you realized she is getting it somewhere else you are going to drop the friendship?

You were in the friendzone from day 1. Any expectations after that are your own fault.
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