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A bit hurt by close friend's treatment


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 15th December 2016, 6:26 AM   #1
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A bit hurt by close friend's treatment

I have a certain friend that is very hang up on social status of people. Even though we are all in our 30s (early to late 30s), he still seems to value people by how socially popular they are. I have never cared about that and while I find people *say the same* few actually *mean it*.

I generally have a very easy going attitude to friendships. I almost never argue or get into conflicts. If someone doesn't treat me right, I kind of lower my priority/expectations of them until their behaviour no longer bothers me. While this has worked in insuring I don't get hurt, I never developed close friendships either.

So this friend...lately he keeps blowing me off or cancelling plans at the last minute whenever "popular" people invite him to hang out with them. I am often not invited to those things (to be honest, I really don't like them as people and feeling seems to be mutual so I actually have no desire to be around them). Before he started being invited, he would often talk how horrible they are at length. Even now, they often exclude him from stuff and then he runs to hang out with me. I didn't mind too much, until it became a pattern and is now seriously annoying me.

I guess, I want advice is it better to:

1. Distance myself without any explanation (just keep saying "I am busy" and being non-responsive)

2. Call him out on the behaviour (won't change who he is, won't resolve anything or make him treat me better but will give me some satisfaction) - possibly worse option for causing drama within the social cricle.

I am just kinda sick of going with the flow for the sake of keeping peace.
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Old 15th December 2016, 7:02 AM   #2
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Oh

TBH, I wouldn't want to have with people who bad mouthed a friend of mine.

I don't have any respect for people like your friend.

Why not just avoid conflict and demote the friend to a casual acquaintance. Talk to her and hang out if your enjoy it and you're getting something from it; if she is ever in a lot of trouble just don't bend over backwards for her.

We know what she would do if these *popular *folks bad mouthed you and wanted this friend to join . Rolls eyes
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Old 15th December 2016, 6:34 PM   #3
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If you don't tell him/her what your problem is that you have right now,
How can a solution be compromised, being oblivious to their foul?
A confrontation isn't necessarily messy, it can be a means to an end,
Especially you labeling this person as not an ordinary, but a close friend.
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Old 15th December 2016, 6:53 PM   #4
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I've learned over the years that not everyone is going to 100% fulfill the needs/desires of a "friend". In other words, some friends are just good to catch a movie with. Some you can share deepest, darkest secrets with, some you can call at 2AM to go get some ice cream with.

I've also learned that people change. Not all friendships are like the "Beaches" movie - where your friendship may last a lifetime.

Your friend is changing. Up to you to continue the friendship, enjoy the moments you two "do" have outside of his shallow friends...or call it quits. You can't dictate to people how to act. So, calling him on him turning into a fool is a waste of time, IMO.
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Old 15th December 2016, 10:10 PM   #5
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Thanks for the replies. I guess I will just accept the ebb and flow and prioritize my other friends...
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Old 16th December 2016, 10:48 PM   #6
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Eternal Sunshine, I know how you feel. I've experienced the same. I've had certain friends ditch me for someone more popular or they only want to hang out on their terms. I think I've drawn the conclusion that there's absolutely no point in leading things towards a big confrontation and I gain far more by adjusting my expectations of the friendship. It means biting my lip a bit because I don't want to look inflexible and ruin the fun aspect of the friendship.

I'm feeling the kind of thing you mention with certain people I know and I think I feel this more keenly because I am mostly the single one of my friends (how times change!). I think when you're deep in a long term relationship, you don't fret as much about how meaningful friendships are to you. Whenever I've been in a good relationship, I've had more of my emotional needs met by my partner so I've coped with certain friendships not being close. Do you think this is a factor for you? (wasn't sure if you're single atm).
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Old 17th December 2016, 7:27 AM   #7
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I don't care where you are in life. I feel like its best to have diversity in life. Not one friend can meet your needs.

As it stands I have 18 people that I call friend. 6 are women the rest are male. I am a black male and only 5 are minorities.

I find that most people as they get older are a lot more in their head, and getting together with their friends is a chore. Even if its every couple of months.

So I feel like friends are on many levels. There are weekly friends/Monthly friends/Quarterly friends.

I actually find that one of my Quarterly friends is the one that I feel the most insynch with, than my monthly friends.

More later.
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Old 17th December 2016, 5:35 PM   #8
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He's aspiring to be who he wants to be and there's nothing wrong with that. You aren't on the same path, so you can't be real close friends.
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Old 17th December 2016, 8:33 PM   #9
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He's aspiring to be who he wants to be and there's nothing wrong with that. You aren't on the same path, so you can't be real close friends.
What is there to aspire to? Being a part of the mean girls clique?
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Old 18th December 2016, 1:55 PM   #10
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I'm sure that's not your friend's view. And if he's a he and he's trying to be close with a bunch of popular females, I imagine that's who he's attracted to, like all the other guys. There is nothing wrong with a person trying to raise their "station in life." Granted one's man meat is another man's poison, but just because you don't approve of them and think they're uppity or mean doesn't give you the moral high ground or any justification to openly judge him about it.
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Old 18th December 2016, 8:05 PM   #11
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I'm sure that's not your friend's view. And if he's a he and he's trying to be close with a bunch of popular females, I imagine that's who he's attracted to, like all the other guys. There is nothing wrong with a person trying to raise their "station in life." Granted one's man meat is another man's poison, but just because you don't approve of them and think they're uppity or mean doesn't give you the moral high ground or any justification to openly judge him about it.
I think she is just saying that he chooses to spend time with them even though he doesn't like them and has himself said they are horrible. I think there's also the social etiquette of accepting the first arrangement you've made and not bailing because you think something better has come along.
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Old 18th December 2016, 11:15 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
Before he started being invited, he would often talk how horrible they are at length. Even now, they often exclude him from stuff and then he runs to hang out with me. I didn't mind too much, until it became a pattern and is now seriously annoying me.
He badmouths this group of ppl and then dropped you to run and hang out with them. Then, when they exclude him, he runs to hang out with you. Um...NO. You are basically being his doormat by allowing him to dis you when it's convenient and then accepting his breadcrumbs by being his backup plan. That isn't a quality friendship. It's disrespectful and sends the message that you'll tolerate being treated as an underling. Call him out or cut the cord. It's time to send the message that you are worthy and deserving of better treatment and he can wipe his feet elsewhere.
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