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Friends with my ex?


bea1998

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My ex was my first real relationship, we dated for about 2 months and then he suddenly started cutting me off out of the blue, and then told me that he just didn't think he could be in a relationship and he needed to do what was best for him. I was really pissed and hurt at first, and I said no to him wanting to still be good friends, but then I found out his illness/condition was getting really dangerously bad and that was why he had broken up with me. It's been a month and a half since we broke up, and I feel like I'm mostly over the romantic part of our relationship, but I do really miss the close friendship we had before we were together (we had talked everyday for about 3 months before we got went out) and what's worse is I still have to see him everyday at college and it's really awkward. (we haven't talked since a month ago when I tried to talk to him but he ended up stopping replying). To make it worse, he's now really close with one of my best friends (we're both in the same friendship group) and they're talking everyday and she's basically taking the place I was in and is supporting him.

I do want to be friends but I have no idea how to go about it, I'm so scared he'll just completely reject me and say he doesn't want to have me in his life in anyway. Help?

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swimmergirl17

You have to do whats best for you. Sometimes being a little selfish is important. If you feel you can be friends with him and handle it then go for it. I am friends with my ex and its worked so far. There have been ups and downs but I have moved onto other guys and we have still made it through. If you feel its something worth keeping than keep trying. If at some point it becomes more painful or a burden on you, let him go.

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Ex can be friends, in your case it seems a bit more shadow. The fact that he's talking to one of your friend everyday, which implies he's interested in her is not the best thing happening for you to move on romantically from him and befriends him again.

 

I mean, you were once friends, then developed feeling, started a short relationship and now he's hanging out and talking to a friend of yours? Not the best cement of a lasting friendship.

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True for what Shanex said.

 

Unwritten rule, we don't date our friends friend ...

 

I have ex's to whom we got along and rebuilt our friendship part. We minded our own business though and learned to be honest on rules. It took a lot of 're establishing boundaries. We also had each other's back...Instead of stabbing them in the heart....big difference.

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Let me just tell you now, don’t open yourself up to the pain that this is going to cause you. I had the exact same thing happen to me a couple months ago. I’m in college and met this guy in my class and we got really close and basically started dating for a few weeks but then he told me he couldn’t be in a relationship right now but wanted to stay friends. I told him no at first just like you did, but ended up missing him a lot and deciding I’d try it. BIG MISTAKE.

 

I should’ve cut things off right there. But instead I kept desperately trying to keep a relationship with him in some way, even if it was just friendship, because I really valued having him in my life. At first it felt good, because I still got to see him and be there for him (he also had just been diagnosed with a bad illness and I was helping him cope with that). I felt like I should be strong enough to just be friends with someone I had a romantic past with, because he needed me and I valued his friendship and that seemed like the right thing to do. In the end, though, I couldn’t crush the hope that we would get back together, and every time he would say something that showed that wouldn’t happen, I would die on the inside. I was basically being his girlfriend without any of the benefits (nothing physical and even the emotional intimacy we shared was pretty one-sided; I was helping and listening to him and he wasn’t doing the same for me). But then when he would feel me drifting away he would start saying sweet things again or doing stuff like telling me I was special and he wanted me to meet his family. Things you would say to your girlfriend.

 

So, I ended up very confused, very frustrated, very hurt, and my friends who I had been close with before were barely even seeing me anymore because I was either with him or I was moping in my room. I also almost failed a class that was really important to my major because I had spent the nights before the exams helping him study for other things. Three weeks ago, I was telling my best friend at home about all of this and I couldn’t stop crying. She had never seen me so upset, so we made a decision together. I had to do what was best for me, which was take him out of my life, at least for the time being. I called him and told him everything I had been feeling, and told him not to text me anymore because it was too hard for me. He said okay and has respected my wishes. I think he respects that I did what I had to do to be okay.

 

These three weeks have been hard. We have a class together and we now just pretend like we don’t know each other. His seat is right next to me, and I can see him texting other girls during class, which still hurts. I miss him a lot and I have many moments of weakness where I almost text him and beg for us to be friends again, because I do miss the friendship we had. But the bottom line is that I was allowing myself to be strung along. And in the past three weeks without him, I’ve been able to pull my grades back up, focus on my other friendships that I had been neglecting, and I’ve had many more moments where I feel content with how my life is going. I look back on all this and I feel so ashamed because I basically gave up who I was to try and be everything for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me. I do still have the hope in my heart that one day we can be friends again, but I know that right now that isn’t possible for me, and I sense that your situation is similar.

 

So, sorry for the novel, but I hope my situation gives you some insight to help you avoid all the frustration I went through. He can’t give you what you need or want from your relationship, and he has been up front about that. You say you can just be friends, but I think it’s probably going to take more time before you can truly feel that way. Think about this and be honest with yourself: if he starts dating another girl, are you going to be truly happy for him without any jealousy? Because that is how a friend would react. I think before you can truly be a friend, the honest answer to that question needs to be yes. Maybe he does need a friend, but that friend can’t be you until you’re truly ready. You will just end up hurting yourself and him if you try to force something that wasn’t working. I may be wrong, but your strong desire to still be friends right now sounds like a hope that you guys will get back together, but you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who knows from the beginning that you are the one they want, and the only one they want. You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of the commitment of a real relationship. You will find that person one day, but only if you’re paying attention and aren’t allowing yourself to get caught up in the opinion of someone who can’t give you what you need.

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