carolann Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 So I have a friend I've known for about 8 years. She has been single for almost 2 years and has dated casually here and there and had her fair share of hook-ups. Recently she invited one of her ex bf's to visit her for the weekend; they live 5 hrs apart from each other. He had just gotten out of a 3.5 yr relationship but was still living the apartment with his gf, (supposedly, he had been sleeping on the couch). Long story short, they ended up having sex during his weekend visit. My friend and this guy dated for a couple of years while in college and had remained "friends" after breaking up. The gf he had been living with has never liked my friend. I should also mention that this guy had already started dating another girl after his live in gf broke up with him. My friend knew all of this before inviting him for the weekend. She doesn't seem to care. I can't help but feel disappointed in my friend. I think that this situation can hurt many people and I'm surprised she has allowed herself to get involved in something like this. I feel bad for the woman he has begun dating and the ex live-in gf. I'm questioning whether I want to remain friends with her at least I feel I need to distance myself a bit until the dust settles. I don't want to be judgmental, but I know that I am. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Saying that she has "no morals" is a generalization. Has she gotten involved in stuff like this before? Does she have a habit of sleeping with other women's boyfriends? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 So, she had a hook up with an ex bf, who had broken up with his gf and had started dating someone else (but it sounds like they weren't yet exclusive). They both wanted to have sex, and it seems that no one is being deceived or hurt given the circumstances. It could be that you're making a moral judgment without all the relevant facts, but in any case it isn't your business. If you personally disapprove of her hehavior, you can speak to your friend and ask for clarification, or cease being her friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 Your friend's moral (sexual) conduct differs from your own, but I agree that you are being judgmental. If you feel the need to distance yourself, by all means, do so. I've met some very good friends in life. Had I not affiliated with them bc we had differing viewpoints, I'd have missed out on some of the best relationships I've ever made. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author carolann Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) This is the first time that I know of where she knowingly slept with a guy that had some sort of attachment (he was still living with the gf). She has had several male friends over the years that have said that their GF's/wives don't like her. She and I have been good friends,and I have been supportive of her except for this. I just think I was a bad decision on her part. Edited November 28, 2016 by carolann Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 28, 2016 Share Posted November 28, 2016 I don't think her behaviour was anything to judge. The ex girlfriend is an ex. The fact he could sleep with someone else while she still lives with him shows just how 'ex' she is. And he's dating someone new but it's early days. I don't see any problems here. I suggest you look inwards before judging others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 She has had several male friends over the years that have said that their GF's/wives don't like her. She and I have been good friends,and I have been supportive of her except for this. I just think I was a bad decision on her part. But this may have nothing to do with her. They may see her as a threat but it may not relate to anything she has done. They may have lousy boyfriends. Who knows? Also some people feel uncomfortable with their partners having opposite sex friends so it could be something to do with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 I don't think it matters that he is still living with his ex-gf, so long as he's not bringing home women and having sex with them in his ex-girlfriend's bed. That would be rude. He's allowed to have his own life and see other women if he wants. And even if someone does get hurt, that's on him, not your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 This is the first time that I know of where she knowingly slept with a guy that had some sort of attachment (he was still living with the gf). She has had several male friends over the years that have said that their GF's/wives don't like her. She and I have been good friends,and I have been supportive of her except for this. I just think I was a bad decision on her part. Well if this is the first time you have seen her do something like this then I doubt very much that she has NO morals. People make bad decisions sometimes, doesn't mean they are completely without values or principles. Besides if this guy's story is really true and he really has broken up with his gf then who cares about him hooking up casually with your friend? All that being said, if she is disliked by most of her male friends wives and girlfriends then she likely does have poor boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 This is the first time that I know of where she knowingly slept with a guy that had some sort of attachment (he was still living with the gf). She has had several male friends over the years that have said that their GF's/wives don't like her. She and I have been good friends,and I have been supportive of her except for this. I just think I was a bad decision on her part. She must be good looking and that's why they don't like her. They are jealous that their bf's/husbands find her attractive. How catty. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 The only morally shady thing I see here is the possibility that the "new girl" the guy's sleeping with may not be aware that he's also sleeping with his ex (your friend). But really, that's none of your business. It's the guy's business, then it's your friend's secondhand business to make sure she has the details and feels comfortable with whatever arrangement's going on. The fact that you know about this situation shows that your friend trusts you enough to be vulnerable and candid with you, and doesn't expect you to be judgmental about it. I'd encourage you to be easier on her. Also consider that she's probably been harboring feelings for this ex for a while if she invited him back in her life so easily. People lose clarity in these types of situations. It's human. But if you really can't help but feel "judgy," maybe you need to warn your friend not to get so personal with the details. You could say something like, "This situation is a mess, I don't like to see you involved in it, so I can't serve as an impartial sounding board for you here." Link to post Share on other sites
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