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Why is platonic relationship with guys not easy?


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Old 27th November 2016, 3:29 PM   #1
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Why is platonic relationship with guys not easy?

Hi, I am a girl in the early twenties and I've been having hard time keeping male friends in a platonic relationship. I am NOT trying to brag anything about myself, but I get attentions when I go out (even when I am with family) and men approach me a lot. I am not super outgoing that I can talk to anyone or continue communication for a long time. I rather listen to them talking and ask question when I meet people for the first time. With friends, I'm quite talkative and often crack jokes. Usually I am the one to organize friend meet-ups.

Long story short, successful platonic guy friends were those who have girlfriends or those who I've known since elementary school all the way to high school. Even in college, I had guys who thought were friends but had different ideas behind. When I meet new people in a social situation (I don't go clubbing now) and they ask me whether I have a bf or not, I tell them that I do. The problem is regardless of that fact, they still try to find a way to cross that friend boundary. I tried friend zoning by suggesting a group hangout. Some guys called my bf boring and tried to manipulate me in some way. So I stopped talking to them and they leave me message like "text me when you become single." They said, "it's hard not to flirt with you. You are beautiful with great smile and smart, which are my things," and I tell them, "I apologize if I gave you a wrong impression or ideas," although I know I did not.

What are your tips on making new platonic male friends? Besides friend zoning by suggesting group hangout...

<<Behind story>>
I recently moved to a new country, which is why I've been trying to make new friends. I met my bf 6 months ago (he came here later than me). About 1 month in, we talked that we are dating each other only, and I recently met his parent who came to visit here. He's sweet, loyal, and smart. I take a while to open up my mind and he's really one of the few I continued to date this long.

I don't want to be those girls who spend time with bf all the time and don't have their own circle of friends. And I don't like making a girl-clique. Since I was little, I was used to having mixed gender of friend groups. Two of my good platonic guy friends left here recently.

I am not blindly following my bf or seriously committed to my bf, but I don't want to cheat behind him. I don't know where this is headed to but I feel comfortable in this relationship so I'm just enjoying the present moment. We feel trusted, although we never mentioned the L phrase, but I feel secure. With my previous platonic male friends, we texted when we need to set an agenda or come across something funny. Obviously no flirty text messages or constant text messages.

Last edited by gkly; 27th November 2016 at 3:31 PM..
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Old 27th November 2016, 3:50 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gkly View Post
Hi, I am a girl in the early twenties and I've been having hard time keeping male friends in a platonic relationship. I am NOT trying to brag anything about myself, but I get attentions when I go out (even when I am with family) and men approach me a lot. I am not super outgoing that I can talk to anyone or continue communication for a long time. I rather listen to them talking and ask question when I meet people for the first time. With friends, I'm quite talkative and often crack jokes. Usually I am the one to organize friend meet-ups.

Long story short, successful platonic guy friends were those who have girlfriends or those who I've known since elementary school all the way to high school. Even in college, I had guys who thought were friends but had different ideas behind. When I meet new people in a social situation (I don't go clubbing now) and they ask me whether I have a bf or not, I tell them that I do. The problem is regardless of that fact, they still try to find a way to cross that friend boundary. I tried friend zoning by suggesting a group hangout. Some guys called my bf boring and tried to manipulate me in some way. So I stopped talking to them and they leave me message like "text me when you become single." They said, "it's hard not to flirt with you. You are beautiful with great smile and smart, which are my things," and I tell them, "I apologize if I gave you a wrong impression or ideas," although I know I did not.

What are your tips on making new platonic male friends? Besides friend zoning by suggesting group hangout...

<<Behind story>>
I recently moved to a new country, which is why I've been trying to make new friends. I met my bf 6 months ago (he came here later than me). About 1 month in, we talked that we are dating each other only, and I recently met his parent who came to visit here. He's sweet, loyal, and smart. I take a while to open up my mind and he's really one of the few I continued to date this long.

I don't want to be those girls who spend time with bf all the time and don't have their own circle of friends. And I don't like making a girl-clique. Since I was little, I was used to having mixed gender of friend groups. Two of my good platonic guy friends left here recently.

I am not blindly following my bf or seriously committed to my bf, but I don't want to cheat behind him. I don't know where this is headed to but I feel comfortable in this relationship so I'm just enjoying the present moment. We feel trusted, although we never mentioned the L phrase, but I feel secure. With my previous platonic male friends, we texted when we need to set an agenda or come across something funny. Obviously no flirty text messages or constant text messages.
Platonic relationship only exists when two people are not attracted to each other.
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Old 27th November 2016, 8:54 PM   #3
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You're in a new country, you're going to have to do whatever in the hell they do over there. Dubai is going to be a lot different than Paris which will be a lot different than Beijing.
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Old 27th November 2016, 9:01 PM   #4
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I never get tired of posting this..
There is so much truth in this series of words it should be the "Can you be friends? bible"

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally:Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York
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Old 27th November 2016, 9:02 PM   #5
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Concentrate on making female friends. You will of course meet guys who are in their groups, but choose only women as close friends.
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Old 27th November 2016, 9:47 PM   #6
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Maybe this is why God invented gay men. So you could have men in your circle of friends who don't want to bang you.
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Old 27th November 2016, 10:28 PM   #7
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If you are attractive, guys are not going to be content to only be friends. Most aren't anyway, because if they're not attracted to you, the majority of them see no reason to talk or hang out with you at all because they're not as clanny about having friends as women are. Guys have friends with guys and they may never have a personal conversation but just talk sports or maybe say someone is hot, but not pour their hearts out like women do to their friends.

So trying to cultivate men who are only friends is probably only to complicate everything for you unless they're gay.

To get some perspective, think of the most attractive guy you've met and try to envision a lot of women being content to ONLY be buddies with him.
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Old 28th November 2016, 11:00 AM   #8
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So when guys come on to you, you friendzone them and you want to know why they are not happy to just settle for a platonic friendship?

Is this a serious question?

Because guys are not talking to you in the hopes of finding a new buddy. When they approach you it's because they want to date you or screw you. You are not offering the thing they want so they see no point in continuing. Then they see you as wasting their time and they want to move along to available women.

I believe there are some cases where men and women can truly just be friends but that only works when neither are attracted to the other and friendship is what both people want. That is not usually the case when men approach an attractive woman
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Old 28th November 2016, 12:15 PM   #9
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It can happen. What I've noticed is that some of the heterosexual men I've been friends with a) are quite good at establishing a comfortable rapport with many women and b) might have felt a generic attraction towards one of their friends at some point but pursue dates and relationships with other women.

We pick our friends (female and male) based on attraction, usually emotional but occasionally sexual as well. A mild attraction certainly doesn't mean that two people can't develop a friendship, as long as they don't have the desire to act on it and the romantic or sexual focus is turned outward. The trick is finding these men via work or shared interests.
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Old 13th December 2016, 8:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
I never get tired of posting this..
There is so much truth in this series of words it should be the "Can you be friends? bible"

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally:Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York
yep yep yep.
my favorite lines.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
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Old 13th December 2016, 8:59 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post

To get some perspective, think of the most attractive guy you've met and try to envision a lot of women being content to ONLY be buddies with him.
Actually,she should just imagine any guy the op finds haawwwtt and wants as a BF tells her "let's just be friends" then expects her to listen to his problems with that Victoria secrets model not respecting him or how he thinks some fitness competitor at his gym is beautiful.

What i find really funny is i know very few women who will be friends with a guy who rejected them.
very very few.

yet they expect men to be friends with them after they reject them.
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Old 15th December 2016, 5:15 PM   #12
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I have noticed most of my male friends have issues with platonic only friendships with females. It just seems like overtime they grow attracted and this causes tension in the relationship, often because the woman doesn't feel the same way. Not the case for all of my male friends, but definitely seems like the majority. It makes sense, sexual and intimate attract can grow overtime.

For me personally, I love have platonic friendships with females. I even seem to have more fun hanging out with a female friend with similar hobbies or interests than my male friends. Female friends always give the best relationship/dating advice, give valuable input on your style, tend to connect with you on a more emotional level and lastly they are always there to give you a hug when you need it.

I have in the past had an issue were I develop feelings for a female friend or vice versa happens its not often, but when it happens it always alters the friendship in a negative way. I think that is always a risk, but its one I am willing to take. Its awkward and not fun when that happens.

In my case, most platonic friendships get to a point where that person becomes much more important to me than a possible date, and I end up caring for them like a family member/sister but not anything intimate. And if that happens, that platonic line is always maintained.

Anyways those are just my thoughts on this!
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Old 15th December 2016, 8:55 PM   #13
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In my twenties I managed to have a long string of successful platonic friendships, much to my dismay, since I had feelings for these guys. The key? Be very bottled up sexually and terrified of being rejected. That'll do it.

But in all seriousness, you'll have to tone down any flirtatious behavior and just accept that it might not work out due to feelings. It sounds like you are a friendly person, so if one friendship with a man falls apart, I would just keep on trying. Or just accept that you are irresistible.
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Old 15th December 2016, 8:58 PM   #14
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Look on the bright side. Most guys you meet don't want platonic friendships because they think you're hot.
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Old 15th December 2016, 10:28 PM   #15
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Because they want to have sex with you and you don't, which results in imbalance in the friendship. With sex on the table some guys would want to be friends, but then it wouldn't be platonic would it.

I don't have many girl friends because in general it just doesn't happen. Not drawn to them that way even when there's no attraction.
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