Friend disappears because of my relationship

[kismetkismet]

This is kind of a new twist on an common issue.. Normally people have problems with their friend disappearing when THEY get into a relationship, but in my case it's my friend has gone awol now that I'm in a happy relationship..

 

We were REALLY close for like 8 years. As in, I tell her every detail of my life, we often text all throughout the day every day and hung out all the time etc. People used to poke fun at us for how close we were. We have both also been generally a bit cynical people when it comes to relationships. I've never been AGAINST relationships per se, more of a realist and I was never interested in actively seeking one out with someone I wasn't that interested in. I was never in a rush to get married the way some girls are and liked my independence - she was the same and we talked about it often. I was always clear that I was open to the idea of it though if the right person came along and she was basically as well.

 

a few years ago we both got into relationships around the same time. Since their relationship was long distance and my bf lived on the other side of town as well we stopped seeing each other as much, but still talked constantly. Often about relationship problems. She thought she was going to marry her bf and they seemed to be closer than my boyfriend and i, but it was a very dysfunctional alcoholic relationship. We both ended up breaking up with them around the same time THEN we lamented over our break ups etc. her being more cynical and i-will-never-date-again about it. But i wasn't as attached to my ex as she was.

 

6 months later, while she was still grieving her relationship I got into a new one - relatively quick for me. Things were insanely good between us and we fell fast and hard. I rarely talked about him to her except in passing because she would always lash out when i brought him up.Our friendship struggled for months and she would be argumentative and bitter about just about anything, we just couldn't get along. Then, she started dating someone and even though it didn't work out between them, our friendship has gone back to normal. I still don't talk about the details of my relationship with her but we're otherwise fine.

 

Then last week I got engaged. Ever since then she's been spiteful in her tone again and rarely responds to my messages, and never messages me first. It really hurts. She was the closest person to me for a LONG time, helped me through breakups, my sisters' cancer etc. and i've worked really hard not to rub this relationship in her face. Also, I'm 30 and she's 26, it's not as though it's CRAZY for me to be getting engaged now. I understand that it comes from a place of pain, but her break up was 2 years ago...

 

I don't hold it against her because I know we're in different places right now, but does anyone have any advice or experience with this? I try to have girls nights with her and invite her to most of my social stuff (we have separate groups of friends mostly these days) but she almost never comes.

[jen1447]

I'd say she feels resentful of your success and betrayed by you not seeming to suffer the same fate as her and thus no longer being partners in suffering. (Not saying it makes sense or it's particularly mature, just pointing out whys.)

 

So w/e you do has to address those 2 things - reassure her that she's not exiled from you bc of your successful relationship and also try to reassure her that she likely has a relationship future herself despite her fears.

 

How you do that exactly I don't know but hopefully it gives you some idea where to nose around.

[preraph]

To offer one more possibility, the only time I've gotten mad about someone getting married or engaged is when they waited until the last minute to tell me when they were supposedly a very close friend who you'd think would keep you so well informed that it wouldn't come as a surprise.

[kismetkismet]

Jen: Thanks I will try to do that. I do think the 'partners in suffering' may be a part of it. Or at least partners in cynicism. This relationship kind of blew everything that I thought I knew about relationships and my approach to them out of the water. I'll try to keep relating with other things i'm still cynical about.. as well as more positive things. I've been doing that a bit more today and she seems to have warmed up a bit.

 

Preraph - She was literally the first person I told haha. Before my family who I was on vacation with at the time. So I don't think that is part of it! but thanks, I can definitely see how that might be the case in other situations.

[SpiralOut]

It has only been a week since you told her of your engagement. She's realizing that your friendship will never be exactly the same as it was before, and it'll take her some time to get used to it. She probably feels like she's losing her partner in crime. I can relate to her situation more than yours, but I do understand how much it must hurt that your friend can't act happy for you.

 

My only advice is to just give it time and to keep inviting her to events so she knows you're not going to ditch her. As for her spiteful tone, I would probably address that if I were in your situation, but I'm sure that you already know the best way to deal with that.

Edited November 25, 2016 by SpiralOut