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"Best friend" disappears after finding girlfriend


Kitchen

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Hello. I am a 29 year old male as is my best friend. We've been the greatest of friends for 5 years. We would get together multiple times a week; he was close to my parents whom I live with. He'd be at my place all the time and vice versa. We'd grab drinks, go out to the bars/clubs on weekends, or otherwise get together on a moment's notice.

 

About a year ago he found a girlfriend whom I knew was the one for him from the moment I met her. They get along great and I'm really happy for him. I also think she's a great person to not only him, but to his friends.

 

However, since he started dating her, his attitude and passion towards his friendship with me changed drastically. He's still a great guy, but we went from getting together 3x a week to once a month. And now, it's always me making the effort to get together, as opposed to both of us back then. He replies to only about 50% of texts.

 

We haven't gone out bar hopping or clubs since they got together. When we get together, it's for happy hour only, and mainly on weekdays. He spends the entire weekend with the girlfriend, who lives with him. Sometimes they don't have any plans, yet he still refuses to come out because all he wants to do is stay in and watch TV with her. Other times he says he won't come out because that would mean she would be home alone having to take care of their dog.

 

Generally he's the most honest, loving guy. But when it comes to making excuses for hanging out, he bulls**ts a lot, and I find that infuriating.

 

The last straw was my birthday, which was recently. Usually for our birthdays, him and my other friends would go visit a casino, get dinner in the city, go out to party at night, and stay in a hotel together so none of us have to worry about driving. He finally agreed to come out, but said he can't stay in the hotel, since the next day he had plans with his gf (who, again, he lives with). So, he barely drank, and left early in the night. He also showed up late (missed the day time events) because he needed to take care of his dog.

 

While I appreciate that he came, it saddened me that even for my birthday his girlfriend got in the way; the one day of the year which I feel it shouldn't happen. And even when he was there he was just sitting back basically waiting to leave.

 

I've tried talking to him about this in the past, before my birthday, and although he was very cooperative and understanding; neither of us moved an inch. He really doesn't seem to get it. He's made the girlfriend his #1 priority and gives his friends almost no priority. I have other friends with girlfriends and wives and they all seem better balanced than him.

 

And I don't blame the girlfriend at all, I think it's mainly him and his "dedication to her" or him being head over heels for her. Even when I spend time with him and her, it can get awkward. He's not himself. Generally we joke around all the time, but if I happen to say something to his girlfriend that is clearly a joke or in fun, he gets overly defensive and sensitive. It really kills the mood and makes it awkward and boring, and makes me feel like a jerk. Again, the girlfriend is not the problem; it's the way he acts around her.

 

So my question to you all is, what should I do? Should I just accept that the friendship, as it was, is over? Try to find new friends?

 

TIA

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It is just what happens, people move on with their lives and he now sees no need to go drinking, bar hopping, partying and visiting casinos, he obviously loves his life now and is happy with his little "family" ie his gf and his dog.

He doesn't need a "wingman" any longer.

He grew up, he now has responsibilities, which he is taking seriously.

I think you need to find new friends to socialize with.

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Should I just accept that the friendship, as it was, is over? Try to find new friends?

 

Yes.

 

People change, priorities change, life changes.

 

The friendship you shared woeked because you were both single. I don't mean to offend, but I don't know anyone pushing 30 who has a friendship like what you two were sharing.

 

When my friends and I were 18-22 my best friend and I shared much what you describe - but then we met our boyfriends (future husbands) and that "joined at the hip" friendship we once had almost immediately disappeared.

 

We are still friends, we still click and get along wonderfully, but now see each other a few times a year, not a few times a week.

 

Our spouses are our priorities now, and the people that we would rather spend time with than anyone in the world - even if that means a simple night in watching TV.

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So when people have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), that means spending like 99% less time with friends? That seems really unbalanced to me. When I had a girlfriend, I'd still spend good amount of time with him. I wasn't single the whole time either.

 

And having a girlfriend means not responding to text messages or calls, only 50% of the time? That doesn't seem like something a "friend" should do.

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People do need to make their partner top priority as far as interpersonal relationships go, otherwise they won't have any chance of sustaining a healthy/happy LTR. They should still have friends obviously, but there are different boundaries in place.

 

Appropriate behaviour for a single man is different from appropriate behaviour for a taken man. Why would you expect a man in a relationship to go partying with you into the wee hours of the morning and stay overnight in a hotel with you?? :confused: He shouldn't have showed up late to your birthday, I'll give you that, but aside from that, IMO he did the right thing. If you had a girlfriend and she wanted to party and get wasted with her friends into the early hours of the next day, and only come back the following afternoon, you would be completely okay with that?

 

I think you should look for single friends if it's important to you to have people to do the 'party all night' thing with.

 

What jokes are you making about his girlfriend?

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So when people have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), that means spending like 99% less time with friends?

 

For me, when it's a SERIOUS relationship, yes. Did you live with your girlfriend?

 

When I was young I had roommates, I hung out with my friends every single day.

 

After I was "hitched" I see those same friends a few times a year.

 

We, my husband and I have a large number of more casual friends that we see often when OUT, at the bar, go to concerts, or BBQs etc - but going over to a fiends house to hang, or overnighters are largely a thing of the past.

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People do need to make their partner top priority as far as interpersonal relationships go, otherwise they won't have any chance of sustaining a healthy/happy LTR. They should still have friends obviously, but there are different boundaries in place.

 

Appropriate behaviour for a single man is different from appropriate behaviour for a taken man. Why would you expect a man in a relationship to go partying with you into the wee hours of the morning and stay overnight in a hotel with you?? :confused: He shouldn't have showed up late to your birthday, I'll give you that, but aside from that, IMO he did the right thing. If you had a girlfriend and she wanted to party and get wasted with her friends into the early hours of the next day, and only come back the following afternoon, you would be completely okay with that?

 

I think you should look for single friends if it's important to you to have people to do the 'party all night' thing with.

 

What jokes are you making about his girlfriend?

 

The hotel because it was my birthday. If I had a girlfriend, and she and her friends went out for a birthday and stayed overnight in the hotel, no I wouldn't mind whatsoever. Now, if I had a girlfriend and she did that not for a birthday, but for fun, I would also want to be included.

 

In that regard, I have made it clear to him that his gf is ALWAYS invited and more than welcome to come. Despite that, he still doesn't like coming out. When I had a girlfriend, we'd go out together, it's not like I left her back and needed some "guys only" time. Nothing like that.

 

And I shouldn't have said that part about the joke; because it's really hard to convey or explain over the internet, as it is a really subtle annoyance. It's happened 3-4 times, and if I can explain to you over PM or phone I would but too much to type to appreciate context.

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For me, when it's a SERIOUS relationship, yes. Did you live with your girlfriend?

 

When I was young I had roommates, I hung out with my friends every single day.

 

After I was "hitched" I see those same friends a few times a year.

 

We, my husband and I have a large number of more casual friends that we see often when OUT, at the bar, go to concerts, or BBQs etc - but going over to a fiends house to hang, or overnighters are largely a thing of the past.

 

No I didn't live with my girlfriend. And the fact that he lives with her makes it even more ridiculous to me. If he sees her every single day, then it should be even easier for him to spare one night a week with friends. Like I didn't live with my girlfriend and only saw her 3 or 4 days out of 7, and yet I still made time to go out with him (and included her when I did).

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At 29 and in a serious, live-in relationship your friend is behaving exactly as he should. The days of partying are over for him and he's grown up. I'm 25 and married. My hub, who is 29, and I both have a lot of friends and we love them all. We might see single friends once every few months. We get together with our "couples" friends more regularly for dinner or something. Honestly, we are too busy with work, grad school, our 2 dogs, and fixing up our house for much more socializing. Our friends are low maintenance and understand and respect our priorities. With all due respect, you sound like a rather needy friend.

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No I didn't live with my girlfriend. And the fact that he lives with her makes it even more ridiculous to me. If he sees her every single day, then it should be even easier for him to spare one night a week with friends. Like I didn't live with my girlfriend and only saw her 3 or 4 days out of 7, and yet I still made time to go out with him (and included her when I did).

 

Couples who live together value weekends as much as couples who are just dating. If both people are working full-time (which, in this era, is usually the case), they don't get that much quality time on weekdays. Saturday evenings are still prime time for date nights out, regardless of whether you live together or not.

 

I disagree with the poster who said that people in relationships only see their friends a few times a year - I think that's too little unless there is geographical separation. But expecting your buddy to spend a full weekend day every week with you (especially if it's for partying) is too much. Personally I find a happy medium to be maybe one evening/afternoon of a few hours with friends every 2 weeks or so.

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Couples who live together value weekends as much as couples who are just dating. If both people are working full-time (which, in this era, is usually the case), they don't get that much quality time on weekdays. Saturday evenings are still prime time for date nights out, regardless of whether you live together or not.

 

I disagree with the poster who said that people in relationships only see their friends a few times a year - I think that's too little unless there is geographical separation. But expecting your buddy to spend a full weekend day every week with you (especially if it's for partying) is too much. Personally I find a happy medium to be maybe one evening/afternoon of a few hours with friends every 2 weeks or so.

 

Well I didn't say I expect a full weekend day every week. That was only for my birthday where I had the day time plan going into the night (most of which he missed). I just expect to be able to go out to party at night, maybe once week, especially if he's got no other plans - and the girlfriend is always welcome.

 

Anyway, I've accepted that he is who is he is, and I am actively looking for new friends, and have decided to put a halt on trying to make plans with him from now on; I'm also cutting down on my text responses to him. Sounds childish, but I am honestly tired of all the rejection, ignoring, and disappointment.

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You need to at least occasionally include the girlfriend in your invitations.

 

Look, he's making a life with this woman and she's the priority now. You can't seriously expect most even working people to go out with you that many nights a week, and you can't expect him to pick you over his girlfriend or still give you much time. You should have invited her to your birthday and then maybe he'd have come. You need to lessen your expectations because you aren't teenagers anymore and grown people have grown up lives. Once he has kids, you'll be lucky to see him even as much as you do now. I think if he sees you once a month, that's great.

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You need to at least occasionally include the girlfriend in your invitations.

 

Look, he's making a life with this woman and she's the priority now. You can't seriously expect most even working people to go out with you that many nights a week, and you can't expect him to pick you over his girlfriend or still give you much time. You should have invited her to your birthday and then maybe he'd have come. You need to lessen your expectations because you aren't teenagers anymore and grown people have grown up lives. Once he has kids, you'll be lucky to see him even as much as you do now. I think if he sees you once a month, that's great.

 

I think you either misread what I said or I didn't make it clear enough:

 

I invite his girlfriend every single time including my birthday. I think she's fantastic and I am not one of those guys who needs a "boys only" night ever. I've stated this at least twice so not sure how you looked over it.

 

Also, it is one night a week I am hoping for, particularly when he has no other plans. So I am not sure why you say "that many nights a week".

 

Anyway, as I posted above, I'm giving up on even trying, and attempting to find other friends. He was the best friend I ever had, so I never bothered diversifying or finding a good gang. My mistake, and I am living the repercussions of it.

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Glad you invited her.

 

You specifically said you used to get together 3 times a week in your original post. Anyway, I hate it when friends bail because they get a bf or have kids, but a lot of them do. Maybe she doesn't like to go do certain things and he doesn't want to go do them himself. Maybe there really is a dog issue. Who knows. Hope you find someone new to hang out with.

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Glad you invited her.

 

You specifically said you used to get together 3 times a week in your original post. Anyway, I hate it when friends bail because they get a bf or have kids, but a lot of them do. Maybe she doesn't like to go do certain things and he doesn't want to go do them himself. Maybe there really is a dog issue. Who knows. Hope you find someone new to hang out with.

 

You're right, I did say that. But I never expect to go back to 3/week, all I want is to go out once a week. Sorry if I came on harsh in my post; several other posters gave me heat since at 29 apparently nobody does these things, and someone even said I come off as a needy friend, so was just frustrated.

 

I do have a few others that I try to hang with, but it's not the same. Haha, sounds like a breakup/romantic relationship; but in all honesty, we clicked amazingly as best friends. Completed each other's thoughts and everything. That connection is gone; even when we hang out nowadays, it's as if we are on different wavelengths. I feel he's lost the passion for all of his friendships, not just mine, given his new found love. There simply isn't that raw joy anymore.

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His girlfriend replaced that "connection" you two had.

 

Honesty - you are almost 30, living at home, and it sounds like your socializing with friends is more inline with the types of friendships 19 year olds have, not 29 year olds.

 

People grow up, change priorities and habits.

 

My husband is a huge extrovert, and loves spending time with his friends - so we GO OUT and socialize, maybe we will get dinner as a couple, then meet friends for drinks etc.

 

The days of hanging out at the folks house are long long gone.

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His girlfriend replaced that "connection" you two had.

 

Honesty - you are almost 30, living at home, and it sounds like your socializing with friends is more inline with the types of friendships 19 year olds have, not 29 year olds.

 

People grow up, change priorities and habits.

 

My husband is a huge extrovert, and loves spending time with his friends - so we GO OUT and socialize, maybe we will get dinner as a couple, then meet friends for drinks etc.

 

The days of hanging out at the folks house are long long gone.

 

Well, I never said that we must hang out at each other's homes. The only specific type of "hang out" that I wish we had again were the late wee hour drinking nights, going out bar hopping. The pre-game excitement, and stories & memories is what made these nights. In general though, yes we barely hang out, and he doesn't reply half the time to my texts calls, and I hate that.

 

So his gf replaced the connection? I don't get why it must be one or another. Clearly with her it's a romantic connection, and with me a platonic/male friendship one. When I had a gf, I don't think he or I felt we lost that bond...

 

Oh and you mentioned I'm living at home; not sure if you meant it in a negative light. I'm a full time Medical student, graduating in a few months, so will be moving out soon. I'm not some bum living off my parents. :)

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Maybe he is just not into the drinking/club scene anymore? I mean part of the fun of that when you are single is getting attention from the opposite sex. I think it also gets less interesting as a way to let off steam if you are trying to save money and I dunno the desire to do that doesn't last forever. I still go out clubbing although it's slowly becoming less interesting so I do it less frequently. I'm in my late twenties and I still see enough people my age but the proportion of people my age I see out clubbing is getting less the older I get.

 

Most of my friends have partners. I actually have no single friends so that kind of socialising is something I miss in a big way. I am happy to go out with my friends and their respective partners but I want to go out just with them sometimes. That's not always possible and I've learned to accept it. Some of them have told me that they look forward to me getting shacked up so we can do double dates and that kind of thing. Meanwhile I'm still catching up on lost time because I got into serious relationships very young so I never had that freedom that others experienced at that time. I'm still getting it out of my system haha :p

 

You could try to be less attached to your expectations of this friend and think of other activities you could do other than going out drinking. And you could seek out other friends to do that with. I find that I move between different friends because they all enjoy different activities. I feel I am doing my best with friendships this way.

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It's called growing up.

 

People in serious relationships prioritize the relationship and enjoy spending their time together. It's a natural progression in life. I think you are taking it a bit too personally. Yes you miss him but maybe you need someone romantically in your life that you can build a new connection with?

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Don't take too much of this advice to heart op. You loved the company of your friend and it sounds as though you enjoy the company of his girlfriend as well. It sounds like its a transition period that is a bit challenging.

 

Maybe you guys need to find new ways to engage? When I took up cycling I couldn't do early mornings any more and explaining that to my mates who I was always out with was hard. But we settled on lunches instead.

 

I am on the other side of this as I am dating again after being divorced and it is tough. I experienced the couples and families that have no time for singles but now I get "you never see us" because I was always available before at the drop of a hat.

 

these guys sound like good friends and I get you are disappointed. Often lives and friendships change and you are never asked if you are okay with it. My suggestion would be find another thing that works. walk the dog to afternoon beers, watch a game. Sorry - out of options!

 

But this too shall pass and empathy is a wonderful skill. You are just negotiating a transition - it will work out

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The only specific type of "hang out" that I wish we had again were the late wee hour drinking nights, going out bar hopping.

 

Is it really normal in your culture for coupled-up 30+ year olds to go bar hopping into the wee hours of the morning though? I don't think you guys need to ditch your friendship entirely, but it has to evolve. When I was in college I stayed out into the wee hours with my friends as well. That time is over now, and we all know that - most people have to work in the morning and there are other obligations, like partners and kids.

 

Maybe if you stopped pressuring him to do such things with you, he might be better at responding to your texts and having dinner with you and such?

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Oh and you mentioned I'm living at home; not sure if you meant it in a negative light. I'm a full time Medical student, graduating in a few months, so will be moving out soon. I'm not some bum living off my parents. :)

 

Ha, just saw this. Chances are in a few months this will be a non-issue - you won't have time to hang out all night with him either. ;)

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I'm totally the other way.

I think it is the GF.

She may be sweet and lovidovey, but, na. I reckon shes telling him to cut you out.

Doesn't make sense, as you said. I'm sure, as great mates, you can easily balance a friend and a GF. Seriously look at the situation.

Don't assume she is fine with you.

Hey, I don't think its you personally, but that she's jealous that he (Your friend) is now being shared with you. She don't like this, so, she acts on it.

 

 

Next time you meet your friend, look right into he's eyes, and don't look away. Then ask him this exact question, "Is your GF telling you not to spend time with me".

If he looks away, you have your answer. If he stares at you when he gives your answer, then I'm an idiot and wasted your time..

 

 

 

 

Good luck, as we need good mates. That's who we turn to when we get shafted !.

 

 

Ted

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I think it is perfectly natural for a 29 year old man to give up wee hour partying to cultivate a relationship with a woman he loves. They are probably thinking about marriage and family at this point and naturally his priorities have changed. He may enjoy her company more than yours also which is natural as well. Maybe after you both are married with kids you will all hang out together again. In the past when one of my gfs had met a man she was serious about I would leave her alone and start hanging out with other friends. I wouldn't want my friend partying as hard as me and risking losing her relationship. Why aren't you happy for him that he has found love? Surely he is not your only friend. Also I've always become very uncomfortable with friends that hold on to me as if we have some sort of romantic connection. I can't handle friends that are too needy.

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People just have their priorities. I was really hurt by my college roommate, who was also my roommate after college. We used to travel around and look for adventure and even took a summer job caretaking a ranch together. When she met the guy she married (I guess she married him - I was her best friend and never got an invitation), she immediately had trouble with him not liking her having a friend. He basically kept her from going anywhere with me because she'd be too worried the whole time about how mad he was to enjoy herself. Then they had kids and I literally never saw her again after that. I'd call her maybe once every 2 months (lived in another town) and she just started acting annoyed that I was even calling her and you could hear the kids screaming and interrupting in the background and she just completely dumped me and never had the decency to have any kind of talk about it or anything. I know it was just because she let her husband isolate and control her and then the kids kept her busy, but she was so crappy about it, as if I was the one who'd done something. I used to send Christmas cards to her parents too, and told them in the last one that Donna wasn't talking to me anymore and that I had no idea why but was worried about her. Her dad wrote back and said maybe she was embarrassed because she had filed for divorce from her nutty husband. Well, maybe, but seems like she'd have been more embarrassed if she stayed with him and just kept letting him control her. Anyway, it really hurt me and that was decades ago now. I didn't do anything to her or anything to him and just feel like she really betrayed me.

 

By the way, I was partying until I was 40, but that is unusual to keep it up that long, I guess. About 40, I got too tired to party AND get to work on time, etc. But I mean, I still got together with my few friends once in a while for a concert or dinner. I wonder when he and her break up if he comes crying to you wanting to moan about it. Probably.

 

Anyway, much as I don't respect it, seems like a whole lot of people feel they can't have friends once they are coupled up, and I have to believe only part of it is them being totally into the person and that most of it is their lives are less bumpy if they just give up having friends so the mate doesn't have something to be jealous about or complain about because they can't stand to have them out of sight. It's pathetic, but it's so common that it seems to be the norm. And when kids come, it takes a really dedicated friend to make time for you (especially the mothers -- dads maybe not quite so much), because they truly do have to really dig deep to find the time and energy.

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