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"Best friend" disappears after finding girlfriend


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Old 22nd November 2016, 8:54 PM   #16
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His girlfriend replaced that "connection" you two had.

Honesty - you are almost 30, living at home, and it sounds like your socializing with friends is more inline with the types of friendships 19 year olds have, not 29 year olds.

People grow up, change priorities and habits.

My husband is a huge extrovert, and loves spending time with his friends - so we GO OUT and socialize, maybe we will get dinner as a couple, then meet friends for drinks etc.

The days of hanging out at the folks house are long long gone.
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Old 22nd November 2016, 9:00 PM   #17
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His girlfriend replaced that "connection" you two had.

Honesty - you are almost 30, living at home, and it sounds like your socializing with friends is more inline with the types of friendships 19 year olds have, not 29 year olds.

People grow up, change priorities and habits.

My husband is a huge extrovert, and loves spending time with his friends - so we GO OUT and socialize, maybe we will get dinner as a couple, then meet friends for drinks etc.

The days of hanging out at the folks house are long long gone.
Well, I never said that we must hang out at each other's homes. The only specific type of "hang out" that I wish we had again were the late wee hour drinking nights, going out bar hopping. The pre-game excitement, and stories & memories is what made these nights. In general though, yes we barely hang out, and he doesn't reply half the time to my texts calls, and I hate that.

So his gf replaced the connection? I don't get why it must be one or another. Clearly with her it's a romantic connection, and with me a platonic/male friendship one. When I had a gf, I don't think he or I felt we lost that bond...

Oh and you mentioned I'm living at home; not sure if you meant it in a negative light. I'm a full time Medical student, graduating in a few months, so will be moving out soon. I'm not some bum living off my parents.
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Old 22nd November 2016, 10:02 PM   #18
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Maybe he is just not into the drinking/club scene anymore? I mean part of the fun of that when you are single is getting attention from the opposite sex. I think it also gets less interesting as a way to let off steam if you are trying to save money and I dunno the desire to do that doesn't last forever. I still go out clubbing although it's slowly becoming less interesting so I do it less frequently. I'm in my late twenties and I still see enough people my age but the proportion of people my age I see out clubbing is getting less the older I get.

Most of my friends have partners. I actually have no single friends so that kind of socialising is something I miss in a big way. I am happy to go out with my friends and their respective partners but I want to go out just with them sometimes. That's not always possible and I've learned to accept it. Some of them have told me that they look forward to me getting shacked up so we can do double dates and that kind of thing. Meanwhile I'm still catching up on lost time because I got into serious relationships very young so I never had that freedom that others experienced at that time. I'm still getting it out of my system haha

You could try to be less attached to your expectations of this friend and think of other activities you could do other than going out drinking. And you could seek out other friends to do that with. I find that I move between different friends because they all enjoy different activities. I feel I am doing my best with friendships this way.
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Old 22nd November 2016, 10:19 PM   #19
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It's called growing up.

People in serious relationships prioritize the relationship and enjoy spending their time together. It's a natural progression in life. I think you are taking it a bit too personally. Yes you miss him but maybe you need someone romantically in your life that you can build a new connection with?
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Old 23rd November 2016, 12:11 AM   #20
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Don't take too much of this advice to heart op. You loved the company of your friend and it sounds as though you enjoy the company of his girlfriend as well. It sounds like its a transition period that is a bit challenging.

Maybe you guys need to find new ways to engage? When I took up cycling I couldn't do early mornings any more and explaining that to my mates who I was always out with was hard. But we settled on lunches instead.

I am on the other side of this as I am dating again after being divorced and it is tough. I experienced the couples and families that have no time for singles but now I get "you never see us" because I was always available before at the drop of a hat.

these guys sound like good friends and I get you are disappointed. Often lives and friendships change and you are never asked if you are okay with it. My suggestion would be find another thing that works. walk the dog to afternoon beers, watch a game. Sorry - out of options!

But this too shall pass and empathy is a wonderful skill. You are just negotiating a transition - it will work out
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Old 23rd November 2016, 2:57 AM   #21
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The only specific type of "hang out" that I wish we had again were the late wee hour drinking nights, going out bar hopping.
Is it really normal in your culture for coupled-up 30+ year olds to go bar hopping into the wee hours of the morning though? I don't think you guys need to ditch your friendship entirely, but it has to evolve. When I was in college I stayed out into the wee hours with my friends as well. That time is over now, and we all know that - most people have to work in the morning and there are other obligations, like partners and kids.

Maybe if you stopped pressuring him to do such things with you, he might be better at responding to your texts and having dinner with you and such?
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Old 23rd November 2016, 3:00 AM   #22
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Oh and you mentioned I'm living at home; not sure if you meant it in a negative light. I'm a full time Medical student, graduating in a few months, so will be moving out soon. I'm not some bum living off my parents.
Ha, just saw this. Chances are in a few months this will be a non-issue - you won't have time to hang out all night with him either.
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Old 23rd November 2016, 6:39 AM   #23
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I'm totally the other way.
I think it is the GF.
She may be sweet and lovidovey, but, na. I reckon shes telling him to cut you out.
Doesn't make sense, as you said. I'm sure, as great mates, you can easily balance a friend and a GF. Seriously look at the situation.
Don't assume she is fine with you.
Hey, I don't think its you personally, but that she's jealous that he (Your friend) is now being shared with you. She don't like this, so, she acts on it.


Next time you meet your friend, look right into he's eyes, and don't look away. Then ask him this exact question, "Is your GF telling you not to spend time with me".
If he looks away, you have your answer. If he stares at you when he gives your answer, then I'm an idiot and wasted your time..




Good luck, as we need good mates. That's who we turn to when we get shafted !.


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Old 23rd November 2016, 7:55 AM   #24
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I think it is perfectly natural for a 29 year old man to give up wee hour partying to cultivate a relationship with a woman he loves. They are probably thinking about marriage and family at this point and naturally his priorities have changed. He may enjoy her company more than yours also which is natural as well. Maybe after you both are married with kids you will all hang out together again. In the past when one of my gfs had met a man she was serious about I would leave her alone and start hanging out with other friends. I wouldn't want my friend partying as hard as me and risking losing her relationship. Why aren't you happy for him that he has found love? Surely he is not your only friend. Also I've always become very uncomfortable with friends that hold on to me as if we have some sort of romantic connection. I can't handle friends that are too needy.
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Old 23rd November 2016, 2:53 PM   #25
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People just have their priorities. I was really hurt by my college roommate, who was also my roommate after college. We used to travel around and look for adventure and even took a summer job caretaking a ranch together. When she met the guy she married (I guess she married him - I was her best friend and never got an invitation), she immediately had trouble with him not liking her having a friend. He basically kept her from going anywhere with me because she'd be too worried the whole time about how mad he was to enjoy herself. Then they had kids and I literally never saw her again after that. I'd call her maybe once every 2 months (lived in another town) and she just started acting annoyed that I was even calling her and you could hear the kids screaming and interrupting in the background and she just completely dumped me and never had the decency to have any kind of talk about it or anything. I know it was just because she let her husband isolate and control her and then the kids kept her busy, but she was so crappy about it, as if I was the one who'd done something. I used to send Christmas cards to her parents too, and told them in the last one that Donna wasn't talking to me anymore and that I had no idea why but was worried about her. Her dad wrote back and said maybe she was embarrassed because she had filed for divorce from her nutty husband. Well, maybe, but seems like she'd have been more embarrassed if she stayed with him and just kept letting him control her. Anyway, it really hurt me and that was decades ago now. I didn't do anything to her or anything to him and just feel like she really betrayed me.

By the way, I was partying until I was 40, but that is unusual to keep it up that long, I guess. About 40, I got too tired to party AND get to work on time, etc. But I mean, I still got together with my few friends once in a while for a concert or dinner. I wonder when he and her break up if he comes crying to you wanting to moan about it. Probably.

Anyway, much as I don't respect it, seems like a whole lot of people feel they can't have friends once they are coupled up, and I have to believe only part of it is them being totally into the person and that most of it is their lives are less bumpy if they just give up having friends so the mate doesn't have something to be jealous about or complain about because they can't stand to have them out of sight. It's pathetic, but it's so common that it seems to be the norm. And when kids come, it takes a really dedicated friend to make time for you (especially the mothers -- dads maybe not quite so much), because they truly do have to really dig deep to find the time and energy.
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Old 23rd November 2016, 3:03 PM   #26
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Things naturally change when a person gets into a serious relationship, but it seems like he's not really making enough of an effort. Relationships take up time, so there's almost no way that when someone gets into a relationship that they're going to spend the exact same amount of time with you. but they SHOULD make an effort to spend some. Also, activities change, especially at your age. Guys with girlfriends in their late 20s usually don't go clubbing or stay in casino hotels overnight without their girlfriends. Those are single guy or bring along your girlfriend activities usually. I go out without my boyfriend, but if I'm going to go to a club or something I'll always invite him along and vice versa. Going to the pub on the weekend now and then is reasonable to ask though.

You need to include the girlfriend in at least some of your plans if you want to maintain this friendship. That way both of them won't just associate you with his 'single' life, which is now in the past. I think that if you include her in the plans more, she won't bristle as much if he goes out alone with you on the weekend - but again, don't expect late night club sessions where she's not invited.
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