LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

"Best friend" disappears after finding girlfriend


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree16Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 16th November 2016, 7:30 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
"Best friend" disappears after finding girlfriend

Hello. I am a 29 year old male as is my best friend. We've been the greatest of friends for 5 years. We would get together multiple times a week; he was close to my parents whom I live with. He'd be at my place all the time and vice versa. We'd grab drinks, go out to the bars/clubs on weekends, or otherwise get together on a moment's notice.

About a year ago he found a girlfriend whom I knew was the one for him from the moment I met her. They get along great and I'm really happy for him. I also think she's a great person to not only him, but to his friends.

However, since he started dating her, his attitude and passion towards his friendship with me changed drastically. He's still a great guy, but we went from getting together 3x a week to once a month. And now, it's always me making the effort to get together, as opposed to both of us back then. He replies to only about 50% of texts.

We haven't gone out bar hopping or clubs since they got together. When we get together, it's for happy hour only, and mainly on weekdays. He spends the entire weekend with the girlfriend, who lives with him. Sometimes they don't have any plans, yet he still refuses to come out because all he wants to do is stay in and watch TV with her. Other times he says he won't come out because that would mean she would be home alone having to take care of their dog.

Generally he's the most honest, loving guy. But when it comes to making excuses for hanging out, he bulls**ts a lot, and I find that infuriating.

The last straw was my birthday, which was recently. Usually for our birthdays, him and my other friends would go visit a casino, get dinner in the city, go out to party at night, and stay in a hotel together so none of us have to worry about driving. He finally agreed to come out, but said he can't stay in the hotel, since the next day he had plans with his gf (who, again, he lives with). So, he barely drank, and left early in the night. He also showed up late (missed the day time events) because he needed to take care of his dog.

While I appreciate that he came, it saddened me that even for my birthday his girlfriend got in the way; the one day of the year which I feel it shouldn't happen. And even when he was there he was just sitting back basically waiting to leave.

I've tried talking to him about this in the past, before my birthday, and although he was very cooperative and understanding; neither of us moved an inch. He really doesn't seem to get it. He's made the girlfriend his #1 priority and gives his friends almost no priority. I have other friends with girlfriends and wives and they all seem better balanced than him.

And I don't blame the girlfriend at all, I think it's mainly him and his "dedication to her" or him being head over heels for her. Even when I spend time with him and her, it can get awkward. He's not himself. Generally we joke around all the time, but if I happen to say something to his girlfriend that is clearly a joke or in fun, he gets overly defensive and sensitive. It really kills the mood and makes it awkward and boring, and makes me feel like a jerk. Again, the girlfriend is not the problem; it's the way he acts around her.

So my question to you all is, what should I do? Should I just accept that the friendship, as it was, is over? Try to find new friends?

TIA

Last edited by Kitchen; 16th November 2016 at 7:32 PM..
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 7:46 PM   #2
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,306
It is just what happens, people move on with their lives and he now sees no need to go drinking, bar hopping, partying and visiting casinos, he obviously loves his life now and is happy with his little "family" ie his gf and his dog.
He doesn't need a "wingman" any longer.
He grew up, he now has responsibilities, which he is taking seriously.
I think you need to find new friends to socialize with.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 8:00 PM   #3
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,716
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitchen View Post
Should I just accept that the friendship, as it was, is over? Try to find new friends?
Yes.

People change, priorities change, life changes.

The friendship you shared woeked because you were both single. I don't mean to offend, but I don't know anyone pushing 30 who has a friendship like what you two were sharing.

When my friends and I were 18-22 my best friend and I shared much what you describe - but then we met our boyfriends (future husbands) and that "joined at the hip" friendship we once had almost immediately disappeared.

We are still friends, we still click and get along wonderfully, but now see each other a few times a year, not a few times a week.

Our spouses are our priorities now, and the people that we would rather spend time with than anyone in the world - even if that means a simple night in watching TV.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 8:07 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
So when people have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), that means spending like 99% less time with friends? That seems really unbalanced to me. When I had a girlfriend, I'd still spend good amount of time with him. I wasn't single the whole time either.

And having a girlfriend means not responding to text messages or calls, only 50% of the time? That doesn't seem like something a "friend" should do.
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 8:34 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24,520
People do need to make their partner top priority as far as interpersonal relationships go, otherwise they won't have any chance of sustaining a healthy/happy LTR. They should still have friends obviously, but there are different boundaries in place.

Appropriate behaviour for a single man is different from appropriate behaviour for a taken man. Why would you expect a man in a relationship to go partying with you into the wee hours of the morning and stay overnight in a hotel with you?? He shouldn't have showed up late to your birthday, I'll give you that, but aside from that, IMO he did the right thing. If you had a girlfriend and she wanted to party and get wasted with her friends into the early hours of the next day, and only come back the following afternoon, you would be completely okay with that?

I think you should look for single friends if it's important to you to have people to do the 'party all night' thing with.

What jokes are you making about his girlfriend?
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 8:48 PM   #6
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,716
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitchen View Post
So when people have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), that means spending like 99% less time with friends?
For me, when it's a SERIOUS relationship, yes. Did you live with your girlfriend?

When I was young I had roommates, I hung out with my friends every single day.

After I was "hitched" I see those same friends a few times a year.

We, my husband and I have a large number of more casual friends that we see often when OUT, at the bar, go to concerts, or BBQs etc - but going over to a fiends house to hang, or overnighters are largely a thing of the past.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 9:07 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
People do need to make their partner top priority as far as interpersonal relationships go, otherwise they won't have any chance of sustaining a healthy/happy LTR. They should still have friends obviously, but there are different boundaries in place.

Appropriate behaviour for a single man is different from appropriate behaviour for a taken man. Why would you expect a man in a relationship to go partying with you into the wee hours of the morning and stay overnight in a hotel with you?? He shouldn't have showed up late to your birthday, I'll give you that, but aside from that, IMO he did the right thing. If you had a girlfriend and she wanted to party and get wasted with her friends into the early hours of the next day, and only come back the following afternoon, you would be completely okay with that?

I think you should look for single friends if it's important to you to have people to do the 'party all night' thing with.

What jokes are you making about his girlfriend?
The hotel because it was my birthday. If I had a girlfriend, and she and her friends went out for a birthday and stayed overnight in the hotel, no I wouldn't mind whatsoever. Now, if I had a girlfriend and she did that not for a birthday, but for fun, I would also want to be included.

In that regard, I have made it clear to him that his gf is ALWAYS invited and more than welcome to come. Despite that, he still doesn't like coming out. When I had a girlfriend, we'd go out together, it's not like I left her back and needed some "guys only" time. Nothing like that.

And I shouldn't have said that part about the joke; because it's really hard to convey or explain over the internet, as it is a really subtle annoyance. It's happened 3-4 times, and if I can explain to you over PM or phone I would but too much to type to appreciate context.
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 9:09 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
For me, when it's a SERIOUS relationship, yes. Did you live with your girlfriend?

When I was young I had roommates, I hung out with my friends every single day.

After I was "hitched" I see those same friends a few times a year.

We, my husband and I have a large number of more casual friends that we see often when OUT, at the bar, go to concerts, or BBQs etc - but going over to a fiends house to hang, or overnighters are largely a thing of the past.
No I didn't live with my girlfriend. And the fact that he lives with her makes it even more ridiculous to me. If he sees her every single day, then it should be even easier for him to spare one night a week with friends. Like I didn't live with my girlfriend and only saw her 3 or 4 days out of 7, and yet I still made time to go out with him (and included her when I did).
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2016, 11:49 PM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Mid West
Posts: 40
At 29 and in a serious, live-in relationship your friend is behaving exactly as he should. The days of partying are over for him and he's grown up. I'm 25 and married. My hub, who is 29, and I both have a lot of friends and we love them all. We might see single friends once every few months. We get together with our "couples" friends more regularly for dinner or something. Honestly, we are too busy with work, grad school, our 2 dogs, and fixing up our house for much more socializing. Our friends are low maintenance and understand and respect our priorities. With all due respect, you sound like a rather needy friend.
carolann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th November 2016, 12:06 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24,520
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitchen View Post
No I didn't live with my girlfriend. And the fact that he lives with her makes it even more ridiculous to me. If he sees her every single day, then it should be even easier for him to spare one night a week with friends. Like I didn't live with my girlfriend and only saw her 3 or 4 days out of 7, and yet I still made time to go out with him (and included her when I did).
Couples who live together value weekends as much as couples who are just dating. If both people are working full-time (which, in this era, is usually the case), they don't get that much quality time on weekdays. Saturday evenings are still prime time for date nights out, regardless of whether you live together or not.

I disagree with the poster who said that people in relationships only see their friends a few times a year - I think that's too little unless there is geographical separation. But expecting your buddy to spend a full weekend day every week with you (especially if it's for partying) is too much. Personally I find a happy medium to be maybe one evening/afternoon of a few hours with friends every 2 weeks or so.
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th November 2016, 11:59 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elswyth View Post
Couples who live together value weekends as much as couples who are just dating. If both people are working full-time (which, in this era, is usually the case), they don't get that much quality time on weekdays. Saturday evenings are still prime time for date nights out, regardless of whether you live together or not.

I disagree with the poster who said that people in relationships only see their friends a few times a year - I think that's too little unless there is geographical separation. But expecting your buddy to spend a full weekend day every week with you (especially if it's for partying) is too much. Personally I find a happy medium to be maybe one evening/afternoon of a few hours with friends every 2 weeks or so.
Well I didn't say I expect a full weekend day every week. That was only for my birthday where I had the day time plan going into the night (most of which he missed). I just expect to be able to go out to party at night, maybe once week, especially if he's got no other plans - and the girlfriend is always welcome.

Anyway, I've accepted that he is who is he is, and I am actively looking for new friends, and have decided to put a halt on trying to make plans with him from now on; I'm also cutting down on my text responses to him. Sounds childish, but I am honestly tired of all the rejection, ignoring, and disappointment.
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2016, 4:36 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,432
You need to at least occasionally include the girlfriend in your invitations.

Look, he's making a life with this woman and she's the priority now. You can't seriously expect most even working people to go out with you that many nights a week, and you can't expect him to pick you over his girlfriend or still give you much time. You should have invited her to your birthday and then maybe he'd have come. You need to lessen your expectations because you aren't teenagers anymore and grown people have grown up lives. Once he has kids, you'll be lucky to see him even as much as you do now. I think if he sees you once a month, that's great.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2016, 4:41 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
You need to at least occasionally include the girlfriend in your invitations.

Look, he's making a life with this woman and she's the priority now. You can't seriously expect most even working people to go out with you that many nights a week, and you can't expect him to pick you over his girlfriend or still give you much time. You should have invited her to your birthday and then maybe he'd have come. You need to lessen your expectations because you aren't teenagers anymore and grown people have grown up lives. Once he has kids, you'll be lucky to see him even as much as you do now. I think if he sees you once a month, that's great.
I think you either misread what I said or I didn't make it clear enough:

I invite his girlfriend every single time including my birthday. I think she's fantastic and I am not one of those guys who needs a "boys only" night ever. I've stated this at least twice so not sure how you looked over it.

Also, it is one night a week I am hoping for, particularly when he has no other plans. So I am not sure why you say "that many nights a week".

Anyway, as I posted above, I'm giving up on even trying, and attempting to find other friends. He was the best friend I ever had, so I never bothered diversifying or finding a good gang. My mistake, and I am living the repercussions of it.
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2016, 8:44 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,432
Glad you invited her.

You specifically said you used to get together 3 times a week in your original post. Anyway, I hate it when friends bail because they get a bf or have kids, but a lot of them do. Maybe she doesn't like to go do certain things and he doesn't want to go do them himself. Maybe there really is a dog issue. Who knows. Hope you find someone new to hang out with.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2016, 8:49 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Glad you invited her.

You specifically said you used to get together 3 times a week in your original post. Anyway, I hate it when friends bail because they get a bf or have kids, but a lot of them do. Maybe she doesn't like to go do certain things and he doesn't want to go do them himself. Maybe there really is a dog issue. Who knows. Hope you find someone new to hang out with.
You're right, I did say that. But I never expect to go back to 3/week, all I want is to go out once a week. Sorry if I came on harsh in my post; several other posters gave me heat since at 29 apparently nobody does these things, and someone even said I come off as a needy friend, so was just frustrated.

I do have a few others that I try to hang with, but it's not the same. Haha, sounds like a breakup/romantic relationship; but in all honesty, we clicked amazingly as best friends. Completed each other's thoughts and everything. That connection is gone; even when we hang out nowadays, it's as if we are on different wavelengths. I feel he's lost the passion for all of his friendships, not just mine, given his new found love. There simply isn't that raw joy anymore.
Kitchen is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
"Frat boy" "Jock" "Sports dude" "Players" "Dark Triad" "Cool" its a lifestyle Dating 14 26th February 2013 6:10 PM
Should I carry on dating her after finding out she "hooked up" my new friend. edgd Dating 17 22nd October 2012 2:00 AM
Turning "best friend" into "girlfriend"? Raderick Friends and Lovers 10 10th June 2010 8:46 PM
My girlfriend staying at her guy "friend's" place Jealous1 Infidelity 5 18th October 2004 3:59 PM
Need Help with Girlfriend "finding herself" vacamann Dating 7 2nd October 2004 3:06 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:33 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.