westernxer Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 A buddy of mine is going out with this girl. The girl broke up with her ex earlier this year. Only problem is, this buddy of mine is friends with both of them, and the ex knows nothing about their little tryst. Sometimes the ex will call him when she's over, other times he'll call her when he's over. So far they've been very discreet, motivated by guilt, fear, or both. I feel bad for the ex. He's a cool guy and wants her back, but my buddy was waiting in the wings for something like this, and his prayers came true. I knew he wasn't in this for friendship. Few men are. When the ex finds out, it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks, and I don't want to be around when the storm comes to town. I wish my buddy never told me. He broke an unwritten rule among bros, and I no longer respect him. He'd do the same to me, in a heartbeat. I wish he never told me, but now I know. There truly is no honor among thieves. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 I'm probably in the minority, but I don't buy into the whole "we're friends so you can't date my ex-lover" theory. If I was dating someone and the relationship ended I wouldn't expect my friends to vow never to date my ex-lover. He's my ex-lover for a reason. Who the hell am I to stop to others from falling in love? What if when they find each other they find the person they want to spend their lives with? People are way too possessive in relationships and with other people. Just because you dated someone before doesn't mean you have exclusive rights on that person. Friends that would deny someone else happiness because they are unhappy aren't friends to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky I'm probably in the minority, but I don't buy into the whole "we're friends so you can't date my ex-lover" theory. If I was dating someone and the relationship ended and wouldn't expect my friends to vow never to date my ex-lover. He's my ex-lover for a reason. Who the hell am I to stop to others from falling in love? What if when they find each other they find the person they want to spend their lives with? People are way too possessive in relationships and with other people. Just because you dated someone before doesn't mean you have exclusive rights on that person. Friends that would deny someone else happiness because they are unhappy aren't friends to begin with. yeah, i agree. i feel that if you are truly over the person, you don't care what they do anymore, and that includes who they date. i couldn't care less if my friend started dating my ex-boyfriend. let her enjoy the creepily bad intercourse. i might think she was stupid, but i would be at their wedding without a doubt. i've often found that that's the way you know for sure you don't want to be with someone anymore. going through the whole "i can't do it cause i'll hurt his feelings" is really for you, cause you're not ready. when you just don't want to be with someone, you get to a point where you simply cannot do it anymore, and even if you feel badly, it's your feelings your listening to, not theirs. and then you're free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 8, 2005 Author Share Posted April 8, 2005 Hos come and go... bros are supposed to be there 'til the end. It's an unwritten rule among bros... cult of brotherhood, if you will. My buddy isn't a bro. Never will be, and he'll end up losing both of them because of it. Guess you have to be a bro to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 It's an unwritten rule among bros... you have to be a bro to understand it. I understand. I have a brother and this sh*t went down with him and his buddies before lol But its different because if it's a ho* then you guys can share her right? I have to say though that I do think its messed up. The guy is friends with the girls ex...he knows the guy still likes her and wants her back and yet he went after her anyways and is seeing her in secret. Makes you think what kind of girl she is too... Maybe they are good for eachother for being so sneaky and your other friend is better off without her. Sucks you have to hold the secret though.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 8, 2005 Author Share Posted April 8, 2005 I'm glad someone understands where I'm coming from. You're right, the girl isn't exactly doing herself any favors by being secretive. I know her, and have purposely steered clear of her, for obvious reasons. But its different because if it's a ho* then you guys can share her right? You got it. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 You got it. Im down with the brothahood!! Whoop whoop lmao jk Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 8, 2005 Author Share Posted April 8, 2005 Originally posted by EC Sucks you have to hold the secret though.. Totally. I haven't seen him since I found out, and I really don't want to, since I feel bad for him. He's a really cool guy. That being said, I don't want to see any of the parties involved, and have made it a point to keep my distance. I promised not to say anything about it, and I won't, but it's bound to get back to him... all her friends are in the know (she couldn't help it), and they know him better than I do... Ignorance is bliss. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 this just screams of disrespect. all of it. the ho's, the bros, all of it. ew. talk like that in front of women, no one will date any of you, then you'll all be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 I wouldn't get involved. It sucks that they already involved you without you wanting to be involved. Just ignore it if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 8, 2005 Author Share Posted April 8, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown this just screams of disrespect. all of it. the ho's, the bros, all of it. ew. talk like that in front of women, no one will date any of you, then you'll all be happy. Girls love it when we talk like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 8, 2005 Author Share Posted April 8, 2005 Originally posted by EC I wouldn't get involved. It sucks that they already involved you without you wanting to be involved. Just ignore it if you can. I'm definitely keeping my distance. By the way, you're a cool chick. You're brother can be my bro anyday. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Girls love it when we talk like that. ewwwwwwww. i wouldn't, i would think it was so cheesy. but to each her own, right? anyway, sorry for your situation. hope it gets better. it's hard to be unwillingly involved in a secret, that much i know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 9, 2005 Author Share Posted April 9, 2005 Men are like little boys sometimes, unless they're really boring. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 hahahaha i hear you. i just don't get how all the ho and bro talk equals the anti-boredom... c'est la vie, eh? have a beeeeeeeeyouteeeful day, mr. west. Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 9, 2005 Author Share Posted April 9, 2005 You have a great one, too. Wherever you are. p.s. I'd never use "ho" and "bro" in Buckingham Palace, otherwise the Queen would never grant me audience. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 The rule of thumb for any "bro" in this situation is: can you accept losing the friendship. If you can, then you can date his ex without guilt, just as long as you can deal with the lost friendship. If you can't deal with the lost friendship, then don't do it. Now, to westernexer's point, I know some guys who have girlfriends. I get along with them, but we're not necessarily friends. If they break up and I suddenly take a romantic interest in their ex, well, I could probably accept the fact they don't really have much to say to me anymore. But surely all of us (or at least most of us) have a really close circle of people whose ex's we wouldn't date - I know of three or four people who immediately come to mind. I wouldn't date their ex's - even if they came crawling to me. If a man doesn't have at least one person to whom he owes his loyalty, I frankly have to worry about the character of that man. Maybe that's just me. Maybe that's what exer is talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 They are not brothers, they are friends! And nobody has a right to interfere with anyone's happiness. If he is a cool guy, he should understand that his ex-GF and his friend have the right to be in love and not feel like they are cheating on the ex-BF. Your theory that women come and go, but friends remain friends is very one-sided and even sexist. I can say friends come and go, but your spouse remains your spouse. Maybe they will stay together for the rest of their lives. If friendship means more to you than love then you can't love a woman with your whole heart or you have latent gay emotions for your bros. What makes you think that women are one-time-use kleenex and buddies are meant to be together forever? If women come and go and are not important then the ex-BF shouldn't be so attached to something that was supposed to go sooner or later anyway. You obviously see love merely as sex. After all, the girl doesn't want to be with her ex-BF anymore so his desire is unrealizable. He has no rights he can claim on his ex-GF. It's over. If the relationship is serious the new BF should tell his friend that he is now with his ex-GF and not associate with him while hiding a detail that is so important to the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 RP, They are not brothers, they are friends! And nobody has a right to interfere with anyone's happiness. If he is a cool guy, he should understand that his ex-GF and his friend have the right to be in love and not feel like they are cheating on the ex-BF. I see what you're saying but I disagree. I think that, as a buddy, you recognize that your friend will have some attachment to his ex for a long time to come - that just comes with the territory when you're having a relationship with someone. There are memories, feelings, sentiments and such...and it can take a person a while to get over that. And most people do eventually get over it - provided they have some degree of separation and are able to move on without the other person constantly in their life to remind them of what they are missing. But by bringing a good friend into the equation, you're making it totally impossible for that person to move on. It's even a bigger sting to watch someone you think is a friend have the happiness with the same person you thought you were going to share a future with. There's nothing sexist about it. I think the same rule applies to women as well. Is it absolutely written in stone that you can't date your friend's ex? No, it isn't. But don't be surprised if you lose a friend over it if you do end up dating. You can't ask a friend to sit and watch while you make out with someone he cares deeply about. And while there are going to be some situations in which a guy may say "screw it, he's not really a close friend so I don't owe him anything," I would really have to wonder about someone who'd do this to one of their close friends. It would make me think they don't understand the meaning of the word "loyalty"...which is something I demand of people I allow close to me. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Record Producer, Just a follow up, not all relationships are the same. I once had a casual relationship with someone for the better part of two years, but the intensity of the relationship died out early - it was usually nothing more than an occasional date when neither of us had anything going on. Well I started dating someone intensely one summer, and it just so happened thata good friend of mine hooked up one night with this girl I had been seeing off and on. He had the decency to approach me about it afterward and asked if it would be a problem if they went any further. I told him it wouldn't cause a problem at all - our relationship wasn't really going anywhere and I had already found someone else anyway. So that was the kind of situation in which, even though we were good friends, it didn't matter that he was seeing an "ex" of mine because everything was fine. The attachment was low. Now if he had dated my ex fiance, it would have been an entirely different matter. It just depends on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Westernxer, I feel for you man. He broke the unwritten rule. Since you know he's not a bro, I'd just avoid hanging out with him. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I'm sorry, I don't buy into the "bro" stuff. Maybe it's an American thing, maybe it's a male thing. What I do believe in is friendship. Galfriends don't do this to eachother and I believe the opposite is also true. I had this circle of friends and we were going out together for quite some time. I dated one of the guys for half an year, but decided that we were much better as partyfriends than as bf/gf. Incidentally, after the break up, NC for a few months, we started hanging out together and became almost best friends. Anyway, to make the story short, one of the other guys started asking me out and well, I gave in to having a date with the guy. Weeeiiiirrrddd! We didn't do it behind anyone's back, I think we went out 3 times, I don't know, it felt ackward. Ok, the guy - quite a ladies man, if I remeber correctly - wasn't my type and I let him know. I needed a long long time to fit in again in the group. I fixed my male best friend with my gal best friend and I was forgiven, LOL. They had a beautiful relationship, btw... I was one of the guys and I respected that. Wex, I think you should let your friend know. HE'll feel awful knowing that he's was the last to find out. Friends don't keep this type of stuff from eachother. Personally, I'd be pissed at everyone if I were in your "bro"s place. My 2 cents, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 dang that sucks just not cool, but you know what they say you can't turn a ho into a housewife Link to post Share on other sites
Author westernxer Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Wex, I think you should let your friend know. HE'll feel awful knowing that he's was the last to find out. Friends don't keep this type of stuff from eachother. I've chosen to keep my distance because if I see him I'll feel guilty, knowing that he wants to get back with her. He moved recently and I don't have his new number, and it's highly unlikely that I'll just run into him in a city like this. I haven't spoken to the other guy since he told me, and I have no intention of doing so. I acknowledge that he has a right to find happiness... too bad it comes with a price tag. Oh well, to each his own. Thanks for your responses. It's nice to hear different opinions on this. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Oh, I misunderstood. I thought you were close friends and hanging around the same people. My bad. It would be indeed kinda ackward to phone him with the "good news", especially since you don't keep regularly in contact. I guess I'm a bit pissed, 'cause here in France everyone is talking on everyone's back. I've honestely never seen 2 best friends - male or female. Maybe I have yet to meet more French people, but honestely, the foreigners are much more cooler. Maybe because I myself am a foreigner, I don't know. Anyway, so far, what I've seen, I certainly didn't like it! Yukkk! Link to post Share on other sites
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