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I seriously wronged a friend several years ago...


emerald86

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About three years ago, I did something awful and I still haven't forgiven myself. A friend of mine had liked me in the past, and so one day, I asked to hangout with him with the intention that it would be a date. I just wanted to see if there was any chemistry. But it turned out that I didn't feel anything. I did think about going on a second date with him to see if chemistry would develop, but ultimately decided that this would be leading him on, and so in the end I told him that it was best for us to remain friends.

 

The whole thing was made pretty terrible by one thing--we were both drinking. He drove, and then got into trouble with the cops. This incident has changed both of us--we have not touched alcohol since then.

 

Even though this happened three years ago, I still feel terribly guilty for what happened. Especially since I rejected him at the end of the date, and I was the one who suggested drinking in the first place (only for myself though, not for him). I can't even imagine what kind of a toll this took on him at the time--emotionally and financially.

 

I'm asking myself why I asked him on this date in the first place. It was a terrible decision. I'm also asking myself why I didn't try to stop him from drinking, considering that he was the driver--I should have done something. I have changed a lot as a person since then, and now I definitely watch out for my friends. We are both doing quite well in our lives now, but I feel as if the guilt will always remain. What should I do to make up for it?

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While you could have suggested he not drink and drive, the fact remains that doing so was ultimately his choice. The only way that you would be partially to blame would be if you either gave him more to drink than he realised or if you coerced him into driving while drunk. I assume you didn't do either of these things.

 

As you say, you are both doing quite well in your lives now. And he's probably grown and changed just as you have.

 

Let it go.

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While you could have suggested he not drink and drive, the fact remains that doing so was ultimately his choice. The only way that you would be partially to blame would be if you either gave him more to drink than he realised or if you coerced him into driving while drunk. I assume you didn't do either of these things.

 

As you say, you are both doing quite well in your lives now. And he's probably grown and changed just as you have.

 

Let it go.

 

I suppose you're right--I didn't do any of those things. I've been blamed mostly for inviting him out on this date, and have all this terrible stuff happen only for me to reject him right after. It was just rubbing salt in the wound. I've been told at the time that I'm a horrible person for doing this. While I do agree, going on more dates with him and leading him on would have been much worse.

 

From my perspective, I saw this purely as a way to see if there would be any chemistry. I never intended to make a commitment right away. And I certainly never predicted the mess that followed after.

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I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. The only thing you should have done differently was to refuse to get in the car when you knew he had been drinking, as much for your own safety as his. However he made his choices too and he can't blame his decisions on others. Yeah the date ended up not being great for him, but he's responsible for drinking and driving and just because you went on one date with him it doesn't mean you owe him another date.

 

I guess I would feel bad too if I went out with a friend and it turned into a bad experience for my friend. It's okay to feel empathy but don't let that feeling turn to guilt. Who has blamed you? Your friend or someone else?

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I suppose you're right--I didn't do any of those things. I've been blamed mostly for inviting him out on this date, and have all this terrible stuff happen only for me to reject him right after. It was just rubbing salt in the wound. I've been told at the time that I'm a horrible person for doing this. While I do agree, going on more dates with him and leading him on would have been much worse.

 

From my perspective, I saw this purely as a way to see if there would be any chemistry. I never intended to make a commitment right away. And I certainly never predicted the mess that followed after.

 

Who blamed you and told you you were a horrible person? That's ridiculous.

 

You invited him out to see if there was chemistry. There was none. That is called dating.

 

Fact is, if he hadn't taken the wheel after drinking and gotten arrested, you would still not be interested. Your lack of interest doesn't make you responsible for his poor decision.

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You're not a terrible person, you wanted to date him to see if there was chemistry. You weren't playing games, you liked him. That's not malicious nor does it make you an awful person! Shame on those who have said you are and also please, stop blaming yourself. HE CHOSE to drink and drive. That's on him, not you.

 

Forgive yourself and try to move on. If people are still blaming you for all this, cut them out of your life, those people aren't friends.

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As driver, it was his responsibility to know when he's unfit to drive.

 

At worst, you were negligent in allowing him to.

 

As regards the date, you've done nothing wrong.

 

You need to forgive yourself.

 

Put this incident behind you.

 

 

Take care.

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Thanks, these responses make me feel less guilty. It is true that driving was entirely his choice, and yes, I wouldn't have wanted to go on a second date with him, no matter the situation.

 

The guy himself has blamed me on several occasions, but mostly for asking to hangout with him and then rejecting him right after. He saw it as me playing with his emotions. His friends haven't exactly blamed me, but they do see his point of view. I've also had a close family member of mine tell me that what I did to him was very mean. On the other hand, there are people I know who feel that I haven't done anything wrong.

 

I don't know. I suppose the people that are blaming me thought that I actually might have been playing games with him, which wasn't my intention at all. From my experience with other guys, this is just how dating seems to work--I personally have been rejected after a first date multiple times.

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The guy himself has blamed me on several occasions, but mostly for asking to hangout with him and then rejecting him right after. He saw it as me playing with his emotions. His friends haven't exactly blamed me, but they do see his point of view. I've also had a close family member of mine tell me that what I did to him was very mean. On the other hand, there are people I know who feel that I haven't done anything wrong.

 

 

His reaction is childish at best. He was interested, you gave him a chance, came to the conclusion it wouldn't work. His feelings were hurt, which is fair. Facing rejection and hurt feelings is the price we all pay when dating. What's not fair is that he's blaming you for hurting his feelings. His friends are enabling him if they see his point of view. The whole thing reeks of immaturity. No wonder you weren't interested.

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Asking someone to hang out with you....and then unfortunately finding there's no chemistry....isn't this the definition of a date which didn't work out?

 

If all of us were to avoid asking people out unless we knew 100% that we were really into them, nobody would be dating!

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Don't feel bad about going on a date and then deciding you weren't interested in him romantically! That's what dates are for. They're not marriage proposals or any kind of promise that you will want a second date. They're strictly to see what the person is like and decide if they're right for you or not. You have no reason to worry about that. And like Basil says, it was his decision to drink and drive.

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His reaction is childish at best. He was interested, you gave him a chance, came to the conclusion it wouldn't work. His feelings were hurt, which is fair. Facing rejection and hurt feelings is the price we all pay when dating. What's not fair is that he's blaming you for hurting his feelings. His friends are enabling him if they see his point of view. The whole thing reeks of immaturity. No wonder you weren't interested.

 

Yes, he's always been a bit immature. And controlling as well. I don't think I can stand to hear him blame me for this again, and so I'm finding it best to keep my distance. If I had to end the friendship, I wouldn't mind doing that either. What I'm learning from this is that some people are real friends, while others aren't.

 

I'm just glad I don't feel as guilty anymore.

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Thanks, these responses make me feel less guilty. It is true that driving was entirely his choice, and yes, I wouldn't have wanted to go on a second date with him, no matter the situation.

 

The guy himself has blamed me on several occasions, but mostly for asking to hangout with him and then rejecting him right after. He saw it as me playing with his emotions. His friends haven't exactly blamed me, but they do see his point of view. I've also had a close family member of mine tell me that what I did to him was very mean. On the other hand, there are people I know who feel that I haven't done anything wrong.

 

I don't know. I suppose the people that are blaming me thought that I actually might have been playing games with him, which wasn't my intention at all. From my experience with other guys, this is just how dating seems to work--I personally have been rejected after a first date multiple times.

Holy crap, he needs to get over it and stop being childish. Relationships don't work out, you tried and didn't feel it so you didn't go out with him again. It's not like you had a year long R with him and then dumped him out of the blue! ONE DATE doesn't equal his harsh reaction and bashing you to others.

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