LuckyxGuapa Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 I have been mates with my friend for 10 years. Out of those 10 years, he has worked for 1.5 of them and been unemployed for over 8 years. He says he wants to work, but that there are "no jobs out there". Maybe so a few years ago, but currently, I've found that there are plenty. It never used to bother me, as I just thought, oh well, you will be the one having to miss out on doing things cause you've no money to buy nice things or have a nice holiday. I've searched for jobs for him, helped him with his cv, helped him with applications, been supportive of him, but he just can't/won't get a job. I have my suspicions that he is applying for jobs he has no chance with, just so he can prove to the job centre he is looking for work, therefore still receiving his JSA, whilst having no intention of getting a job. He had a job in a supermarket for a year, but walked out after he had had a "difficult shift". Everyone has difficult days at work, but we don't just call quit our jobs after a bad shift! (As much as we would like too!) I'm beginning to lose my patience with him. 8 years is a long time to not work, and I actually am beginning to think he is just bone idle and has no intention of ever working again. And I'm not talking about a bit of a kid, he is 36 years old!!! I work two jobs, one in a supermarket from 6am-12pm, and then one for the NHS from 1pm-6:30pm. I work bloody hard. I usually give him a call in the evening, just for a chat but recently he doesn't answer and takes days to ring me back. I find this really rude and ignorant, especially as I know he's sat at home, not doing anything. Should I just end the friendship? It's beginning to really annoy me that he finds his tv schedule more important than answering the phone to a friend. I make time to speak to him when I work two jobs, he has more than enough spare time on his hands to answer or return my call. I'm sick of making an effort and getting nothing in Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 you are too disapproving for comfort, or he would still chat to you, you drove him away Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 I'm wondering if he has depression. It would explain his feelings of hopelessness and also his unwillingness to talk with you. Either that, or he's refusing your calls because he's mad at you for some reason. If you think depression could be an issue, raise the topic with him and tell him that you'll take him to see a doctor. However, if he refuses, then I'd say that it's time to pull back from the friendship. You can't continue being a friend to someone who doesn't appear to want it. If it comes to this, I wouldn't formally end the friendship, but I would stop reaching out. Don't help him with job hunting unless he approaches you for help. Call him only as often as he calls you. Invite him to hang out only as often as he invites you. If he asks you about it, be honest and tell him that you got tired of being the one driving the friendship. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyxGuapa Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 you are too disapproving for comfort, or he would still chat to you, you drove him away Rubbish. I've never said any of this to him. I've been nothing but supportive and positive when speaking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyxGuapa Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 I'm wondering if he has depression. It would explain his feelings of hopelessness and also his unwillingness to talk with you. Either that, or he's refusing your calls because he's mad at you for some reason. If you think depression could be an issue, raise the topic with him and tell him that you'll take him to see a doctor. However, if he refuses, then I'd say that it's time to pull back from the friendship. You can't continue being a friend to someone who doesn't appear to want it. If it comes to this, I wouldn't formally end the friendship, but I would stop reaching out. Don't help him with job hunting unless he approaches you for help. Call him only as often as he calls you. Invite him to hang out only as often as he invites you. If he asks you about it, be honest and tell him that you got tired of being the one driving the friendship. Good luck Thanks for your sensible reply (unlike the one previous!). I myself have suffered with depression so I know the signs. I spoke to him about my concerns that he could be being depressed, but he got quite annoyed and didn't want to talk about it. I told him that I would go to the doctors with him, as I think some medication and someone impartial to talk too could help, but as far as I know, he hasn't been and just keeps saying he is fine. I haven't mentioned it since as it seems to upset him. I ask him to hang out quite often, as being isolated at home cannot be helping his mental state, but it comes to the day and he cancels. We had tickets to a show, that I had bought, and as I was leaving to pick him up, he text and said he didn't want to go. So it's not as if I haven't tried with him, I just don't seem to get anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Thanks for your sensible reply (unlike the one previous!). I myself have suffered with depression so I know the signs. I spoke to him about my concerns that he could be being depressed, but he got quite annoyed and didn't want to talk about it. I told him that I would go to the doctors with him, as I think some medication and someone impartial to talk too could help, but as far as I know, he hasn't been and just keeps saying he is fine. I haven't mentioned it since as it seems to upset him. I ask him to hang out quite often, as being isolated at home cannot be helping his mental state, but it comes to the day and he cancels. We had tickets to a show, that I had bought, and as I was leaving to pick him up, he text and said he didn't want to go. So it's not as if I haven't tried with him, I just don't seem to get anywhere. In that case, I think you're going to have to pull back. Supporting a friend during hard times is one thing, but this has gone on far too long. You're now more of a mother to him than a friend. And frankly, I think only a mother would tolerate this one-sidedness for this long. Perhaps he needs to hit rock bottom before he makes any changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyxGuapa Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 In that case, I think you're going to have to pull back. Supporting a friend during hard times is one thing, but this has gone on far too long. You're now more of a mother to him than a friend. And frankly, I think only a mother would tolerate this one-sidedness for this long. Perhaps he needs to hit rock bottom before he makes any changes. His mum and dad are both retired and as far as I'm aware, have no problem with him not working and being at home all day. He gets all his meals made for him and his washing done - he doesn't lift a finger. Quite the contrary in my house!! When I was 17, i was waiting for a start date for a new job and I was given a list of chores for each day. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Thanks for your sensible reply (unlike the one previous!). I myself have suffered with depression so I know the signs. I spoke to him about my concerns that he could be being depressed, but he got quite annoyed and didn't want to talk about it. I told him that I would go to the doctors with him, as I think some medication and someone impartial to talk too could help, but as far as I know, he hasn't been and just keeps saying he is fine. I haven't mentioned it since as it seems to upset him. I ask him to hang out quite often, as being isolated at home cannot be helping his mental state, but it comes to the day and he cancels. We had tickets to a show, that I had bought, and as I was leaving to pick him up, he text and said he didn't want to go. So it's not as if I haven't tried with him, I just don't seem to get anywhere. He isn't ready to admit he has some issues and he maybe freaked out/scared to do meds and counseling. I am betting he's suffering from depression and anxiety. Don't bail on him. Instead of going out (which he can't deal with right now) stay in and hang out with him. Watch a movie together. Just let him know that you're there and if he needs anything you're willing to help or just listen if he needs to talk. Read up on what anxiety and depression can do to a person. It's not that doesn't want to go out, he does --- He just can't. He doesn't want to be a burden, doesn't want to bring anybody down. He probably feels alone and is scared of being judged. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 (edited) Does he ever initiate contact? There is only so much that you can do for someone. For whatever reason, he doesn't want help right now. It's unfortunate that his parents are enabling him because he may be too comfortable now to do anything. If you are going to stay friends, you'll have to accept him the way he is. I don't think you should mention jobs to him anymore unless he brings up the subject and asks for advice. And don't take it personally that he takes a while to respond. When someone is depressed, it can be hard to feel motivated to do anything, even something as simple as a phone call. That said, I think it's okay for you to step back and leave the ball in his court. Give him a chance to initiate next time. Edited November 8, 2016 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Lucky, so how does your friend support himself for his necessities in day to day life? You suggested he's receiving some kind of government assistance for unemployment... but I assume there are other supports there, too, i.e. family? I understand your frustration here. Sure, you want to avoid being judgmental and critical of your friends, but in this case the guy seems stuck in an never-ending vacuum of despair, and that's gotta be tough to witness, especially when you don't see him making active moves to improve his condition. I'm sure, as the other posters said, that your friend IS grappling with some mental issues like depression and anxiety. But again, if he refuses to take steps toward improvement (i.e. getting therapy, possibly taking meds) — and if he refuses to recognize how his day-to-day inactivity and joblessness is contributing to his mental problems — then there's only so much support you can give. If you have the stomach for it, I'd suggest a really tough, frank talk with him where you tell him how tired you are of seeing him wallow in despair and not help himself. (I realize you have broached these conversations with him before and they haven't gone far, but maybe it's time for a final one where you don't hold back at all.) Beyond that, I think you have every right to simply detach yourself from this negative vacuum he's creating. No one needs this type of energy in their life. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 Don't stick your neck out for him because if you get him a job he'll make you look bad for it. If you can't stand that he's this lazy, then by all means end the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
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