That overbearing friend....

[eightytwenty]

I met her about 6 years ago through my ex. She was his best friend from high school. She got married and had kids. I have kids so we pretty much talk daily on facebook. She stopped talking to my ex, before him and I divorced. Basically he turned into a bum and just a different person, she didn't want anything to do with him. Since she's highly religious and felt that he didn't step up as a man/husband when he married me. She didn't blame me at all for divorcing him. We've grown pretty close, and we both have flaws that we ignore and get along great.

 

 

Like I said, we talk daily. She's a stay at home mom that likes to talk, I work on my computer all day, so I'm always logged into facebook. She sort of turned into a know it all about kids after finding out I was pregnant. Her kids are 2 and a 9 month old. Mine is turning 8 months in a couple weeks. The whole first 6 months of his life, she had me scared of my son going dying of SIDS. We talked a lot during her husbands deployment, he was gone throughout her whole second pregnancy. So I was her support and help since she lived 2 hours from me, and 4 hours away from her family and friends. I went down there 2 times both full weekends, and she came over once.

 

 

To start. She's a one upper. I say I got something from my son, she said she'll got two, or something worth more. She tells me I can't decorate. Like Christmas, she wants me to do the pickle thing, said no I want to do Santa. She said Santa is a horrible thing to do, I'm just lying and deceiving my son. So she sends me stuff I need to buy. Clothes/Christmas decorations. Send me links of clothes for my son, "since I won't dress him cute". I take him to work with me, so I usually just take him in sleepers. I didn't think I'm required to "dress him" in cute outfits. She always takes pictures of her kids at home in cute outfits, I don't see the point. I do when we go out, but not for work. This is one thing that drives me crazy, one thing though, She does help me pick out cute clothes for me. I was raised in the country and never really had a good wardrobe. It's jeans and t-shirts with boots. At work its a t-shirt, shorts/jeans and tennis shoes. So being the fashion person that she is, I do ask her opinion. I know I do this to myself, for her to butt in, but it's like she goes overboard when I do ask. It has helped me a ton, since my fiancé and his family like to go out and eat to really nice places.

 

 

We were talking about my wedding. She asked for a picture of what I like, Sent it to her, she said I would need to have the perfect body for that, and I don't really have that, because I have broad shoulders and need to loose weight. Which she said was do able (like 15 lbs) but unless I do it not to get the dress, or try it on. Maybe I do, but until I put it on, I don't know. Sort of kicked my ego. She sent pictures of what I "need" to get. Didn't like them but said they were something I would look at. She said she has to approve of the bridesmaid dresses because she's not wearing something ugly. I sent her a picture and she said it was ugly, and I told her that I want a picture of all of us girls wearing cowboy boots, she said she wasn't going to do it, "she's not country or going to look like a hillbilly". All the other girls said they loved it, but "my taste is so horrible" to her, and she guesses my country friends have the same horrible taste as I. I reminded her this was my wedding, and she said I will have everything decorated and what we all wear so ugly she's couldn't stand it.

 

 

My fiancé met her once. She ordered him around like crazy. I got looks but he did it because she was 8 months pregnant. Can you grab this out of my car, can you hold my baby while I go to the restroom, make a bottle for her, she didn't ask me to do anything. She just ordered him to do stuff and I would help him. Just no please, no thank yous. Something he didn't like... She also talked a lot of crap about men in front of him, and he finally said if we're so dumb you should probably kill all the men in the world and just have women run it. It was a laugh but she caught the hint.

 

 

I tell him what she tells me, it's sort of humor for him now, "what is she saying now", Told him about how she puts me down, not doing something she thinks I need to do for our son, he just doesn't like her, even though he has said she has helped me with my clothes.

 

 

I went and helped her and her husband pack a couple months ago. All she did was yell at her husband. He took it, but rolled his eyes at me. He finally told her off once because he wasn't moving stuff fast enough, or watching the kids right, while trying to move things to the garage. They fought (she basically yelled and called him every name in the book) but 30 minutes later they were ok. I was ready to get out of there. Esp, since I wasn't cleaning correctly. Thought we were suppose to get things together for the movers, honestly I ended up cleaning baseboards and closets. She yelled at her husband to move things and do it. I could never treat my guy like she does.

 

 

She doesn't have family that will be around her, they can't deal with her. Even her aunt walked out on her in the middle of her week stay. My friend told me she just started yelling at her. She's done the same with the inlaws. Basically within a couple days they walk out. I understand why, half a day with her I'm ready to run out the door too. She talks down to you, tries to control how you breathe, and orders you around.

 

 

Now, what worries me. The wedding. My other friends all get along, we are all close, all friends. We can take trips together without the guys, no drama, it's always a blast. They don't put me down, don't think I can't care for my son. Told a couple of them about her, and they think she is going to drive us up a wall doing wedding stuff. I don't even really want her to be a bridesmaid, but she's so excited. So I'm not going to not let her be in it. My fiancé said we have to put her with a guy that won't punch her in the face, because he'll walk wrong or something, and she'll go off on them in the middle of the wedding. (that's half joking)

 

 

When I put my foot down, tell her that she's sort of going overboard, she wants to argue. Wants to be right, and come hell or high water she gets her way. goes a bit crazy and lectures... Like me smoking. I smoke outside, I never do it around my son EVER, she told me he was going to die of SIDS or have asthma because it's still on my clothes (I didn't smoke through any of my pregnancy, before anyone asks). I refuse to be pushed around by her, I don't want my friends to hate me because they'll have to deal with her.

 

 

I mean to keep the peace with her, have my way, and keep everyone happy. What do I do? She's 16 hours away so dress shopping and other things I've already decided not to include her in. Just say we're doing this as a group.

 

 

Just I know she'll pick everything apart, including what my friends do, which I don't want that. I want it to be as stress feel as possible, but with her. I'll have to duct tape her mouth and tell her to just smile and be quiet.

 

 

How do I keep this friend under control, keep the peace, and not have my other friends go off on her, and start a huge fight. I can already see one of them telling her off.... Sorry it's so long, it's almost a vent, but I need a bit of help!

[BettyDraper]

You need to get rid of this "friend". She's rude, unsupportive and lacks respect for others. Think about why you are tolerating this kind of treatment. Her behavior is completely unacceptable!

 

I used to have "friends" like this who always told me that they were just being honest and I was too sensitive. Real friends will be truthful without constantly putting you down.

 

There is no reason to tiptoe around this woman to "keep the peace." It's difficult to learn to set boundaries when you're used to pleasing others at your expense. However, I promise that you will feel much better when you stand up for yourself. Tell this bossy person that you can no longer have her in your life because you're not interested in being treated like a foolish child. When she starts arguing, refuse to engage and tell this woman that you wish her well. Block her from your social media, your phone and go no contact.

[eightytwenty]

You need to get rid of this "friend". She's rude, unsupportive and lacks respect for others. Think about why you are tolerating this kind of treatment. Her behavior is completely unacceptable!

 

I used to have "friends" like this who always told me that they were just being honest and I was too sensitive. Real friends will be truthful without constantly putting you down.

 

There is no reason to tiptoe around this woman to "keep the peace." It's difficult to learn to set boundaries when you're used to pleasing others at your expense. However, I promise that you will feel much better when you stand up for yourself. Tell this bossy person that you can no longer have her in your life because you're not interested in being treated like a foolish child. When she starts arguing, refuse to engage and tell this woman that you wish her well. Block her from your social media, your phone and go no contact.

I know that's what I need to do. She changed, I think its her having no one else to talk with her, and being by herself for so long.

 

I don't please her, and we have gotten into some bad fights, just don't think she has anyone else. She tried to help but it comes across pushy and overboard. She's a good person just I don't think she gets what she's doing.

[BettyDraper]

I know that's what I need to do. She changed, I think its her having no one else to talk with her, and being by herself for so long.

 

I don't please her, and we have gotten into some bad fights, just don't think she has anyone else. She tried to help but it comes across pushy and overboard. She's a good person just I don't think she gets what she's doing.

 

It's not your responsibility to be the only person in her life. She is clearly lonely because of her personality.

 

I get the impression that you actually do want please this friend. Why would you ask her opinion of your fashion sense if you did not want her approval? You're clearly a kind and caring woman. Don't waste that on people who don't deserve it.

 

When I learned to be far more selective about whom I allowed in my life, I became a much happier person and learned that quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends. I no longer have time for being used, those who lack diplomacy and trying to help others when they repeatedly make poor choices.

[eightytwenty]

It's not your responsibility to be the only person in her life. She is clearly lonely because of her personality.

It's clearly what it is.

 

I get the impression that you actually do want please this friend. Why would you ask her opinion of your fashion sense if you did not want her approval? You're clearly a kind and caring woman. Don't waste that on people who don't deserve it.

 

 

I do talk to her. I don't really care about pleasing her, but I know she's trying to help. Just talks down and thinks I need to take her advice or I'm doing it wrong. She does have good fashion sense, but like the dress. What I want to try it, might not look good, but don't talk down on me because I'm not the perfect shape.

 

When I learned to be far more selective about whom I allowed in my life, I became a much happier person and learned that quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends. I no longer have time for being used, those who lack diplomacy and trying to help others when they repeatedly make poor choices.

 

 

 

I never had friends in school, or really anyone to talk to when I was growing up. So I guess I know that feeling. I guess I know who she is, and I would hate for her to have no one. Now that I have friends, and really good ones, I don't want to ditch her. I know she's lonely, means well, she's just overbearing. But I know for my sake if anything, not let her do the wedding, and just keep chatting with her atleast on facebook.

[preraph]

With bridesmaid's dresses, you can offer a small selection of styles to all of the bridesmaids, and this is common because of differing body types. Other than that, you need to just tell her in no uncertain terms, Look, you had your wedding. This one is mine and I'm calling the shots. I hope you cooperate and take part, but I'm okay if you drop out because I don't need anyone else telling me how I want my own wedding.

[eightytwenty]

With bridesmaid's dresses, you can offer a small selection of styles to all of the bridesmaids, and this is common because of differing body types. Other than that, you need to just tell her in no uncertain terms, Look, you had your wedding. This one is mine and I'm calling the shots. I hope you cooperate and take part, but I'm okay if you drop out because I don't need anyone else telling me how I want my own wedding.

 

She and her husband went to the courthouse so I'm sure she's trying to do this like she wants hers.

 

But agreed. I pick out the ones that they can choose from strapless halter ahoulders. Just basically the color and it be long.

[BettyDraper]

It's clearly what it is.

 

 

 

 

I do talk to her. I don't really care about pleasing her, but I know she's trying to help. Just talks down and thinks I need to take her advice or I'm doing it wrong. She does have good fashion sense, but like the dress. What I want to try it, might not look good, but don't talk down on me because I'm not the perfect shape.

 

 

 

 

 

I never had friends in school, or really anyone to talk to when I was growing up. So I guess I know that feeling. I guess I know who she is, and I would hate for her to have no one. Now that I have friends, and really good ones, I don't want to ditch her. I know she's lonely, means well, she's just overbearing. But I know for my sake if anything, not let her do the wedding, and just keep chatting with her atleast on facebook.

 

Downgrading a friendship to a lower level could be a good compromise if you feel like you don't want to cut off contact. However, staying friends with someone because you know they would be lonely without you is not healthy. It makes sense that you feel compassion for this woman because of your past. Be careful of tolerating too much because of your own issues.

[preraph]

As far as the one-upping kid talk, I'm without children, but I overhear people at work over the years, mothers who bond at work talking over their kids -- and that's ALL they do. One tells a cute story while the other pretends to listen but in reality is thinking of a cute story to counter with, and they just swap stories with each other but to me rarely seem genuinely interested in the other person's child, but it's just an opportunity for them to tell the kid stories to someone who is incentivized to listen. So I would say that part is somewhat standard.

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like she is trying to live her life through you.

 

I can see why it would be hard for you to cut her out of your wedding. You're an empathetic person and you don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't think there's an easy solution to this. You'll need to either talk to her about your concerns or un-invite her from the wedding.... otherwise you'll spend your wedding day worrying, and that's not fair for you.