Failing Friendship

[Tidal30]

I have a best friendship that is failing and trying to figure out if I should just move on. Its hard considering how long we have been friends and how much we have confided in each other for years.

 

I have been friends with a female since high school, we became real close the last few years. Its strictly platonic and has always been that way. The last 3 months we hardly talk and we haven't hung out once. I have tired to start up conversations via text but she often takes 2 to 4 days to respond. I've tried to make plans do and she'll just ignore me even bringing them up.

 

I really have no clue what I have done, I even brought this up a few times in the past month and her response was I have been busy and not that responsive to anyone texting me. Clearly though she isn't being truthful about that since she has been responding quickly to mutual friends via facebook or text. She also have gone out with some of the mutual friends.

 

I haven't brought this up to any of our mutual friends since chances are they'll mention I said something to them and it will make things worse than they are now.

 

I've got a good circle of friends so its not like she is my only friend or I need the friendship, but its sad since we shared so much and have been there for each other through the years. Plus, I does hurt knowing that a best friends I've known forever just without any apparent reason, is distancing herself from me. I have always treated her nice and have never said anything about her behind her back. I just don't get it.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about this. I would suggest that you give your friend the space she seems to need and see how things turn out in the coming days. People have their off moments once in a while; maybe your friend is going through one of those seasons. You take good care of yourself, okay?

[Tidal30]

Well I just gave her space since my post. I didn't contact her at all. Tuesday I had met up with a few friends for a Halloween party, a few of them are also friends of her.

 

She texted me Tuesday night saying she had heard I had been at a party a few of her friends were at saying she wished she would have went as she hasn't seen or talked to me in awhile. She asked what I was doing thursday and wanted to meet up for lunch. We left it at that with no definite plans, and my last text was just let me know what place and time works for you. Well Thursday rolls around, I didn't hear from her until almost noon, and I had gotten busy. I didn't see her text till 3 pm. She clearly was irked about that and said she was busy the rest of the day and had I replied we would have had time to meet up. I asked about Friday and she didn't respond until late friday night saying she had plans all weekend.

 

I was having a bad day, and instead of just letting it go, I asked her what has been going on lately. The conversation escalated into me referencing the recent times she ditched me or didn't text me back for days. Most of the things she said were she has a tough schedule and if I don't want to be friends with her, then don't. I apologized Sunday and said let's just move on, pretend this never happened, everyone has their off days. All she said was we'll still be friends but she needs time to process.

 

I think we both "need space" from each other. I still don't get what I have done but its probably not worth even trying to ask for fine out. I talked to 3 different mutual friends about everything that has happened and everyone said no clue, she has never said anything negative about you, they don't know. But they also say she hasn't been too busy last few months and said she gets back to them quickly with texts and plans.

 

I think I will just move on and give her a lot of space. But do you think 2 weeks from now she'll contact me or I should contact her? I just hate to see such a close friendship just fade. But you can't force someone to stay friends with you, I have a great circle of friends I am happy with, I'd just hate to lose a close friend considering or long history.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Tidal30

[IHateOctober]

Maybe she has something going on with her life which she didn't share with you. Or she's just having pms.

 

Close friendship fades and even disappeared for me before. People just grew aparto sometimes without reason.

 

Just give it some time and keep your cool.

[loverboy69]

She may be suffering from depression or another event in her life that is pre-occupying her time.

 

I've suffered from depression my whole life. I have days where I don't want to speak to anyone. On those days even replying to a text from my best friend or family member is taxing or annoying for no apparent reason.

 

I've recently experienced a strained relationship with my best friend. It had nothing to do with him but he took it personal.

 

Give your friend time. When she snaps out of it and wants to resume a normal friendship then let it happen. If not then realize that not all friendships are forever no matter how good the intentions are.

[salparadise]

She texted me Tuesday night saying she had heard I had been at a party a few of her friends were at saying she wished she would have went as she hasn't seen or talked to me in awhile. She asked what I was doing thursday and wanted to meet up for lunch. We left it at that with no definite plans, and my last text was just let me know what place and time works for you. Well Thursday rolls around, I didn't hear from her until almost noon, and I had gotten busy. I didn't see her text till 3 pm. She clearly was irked

 

 

Dude, the two of you made a lunch date for Thursday and you stood her up. The fact that neither of you had picked the place in advance doesn't matter––you can pick a place ten minutes before you meet. So she texted you on Thursday to confirm and you ignored her for more than three hours?

 

If someone did that to me I'd probably box'em up and put them on the shelf too.

[Tidal30]

I agree, she may be suffering from something I am unaware such as depression. I think I just have to keep my cool going forward and let her reach out to me when she is ready.

 

What do you think of this, if say 2 weeks pass, and I don't hear from her, I can send a text just saying I hope things are ok and regardless I am always here to listen/help if you need it?

 

I don't know about me having blown her off. I left it off as "just let me know the time and place, and we'll meet up". She actually texted me at 12:50 pm and I responded at 2:40 pm. She had almost two days to text me, why wait until its almost 1 pm? I can't just sit around at work anticipating what time she'll get back to me. Plus in the past, before all of this stuff started, she always was the type to make definite plans at least a day ahead of time. So something is up.

[noski]

I agree, she may be suffering from something I am unaware such as depression. I think I just have to keep my cool going forward and let her reach out to me when she is ready.

 

What do you think of this, if say 2 weeks pass, and I don't hear from her, I can send a text just saying I hope things are ok and regardless I am always here to listen/help if you need it?

 

I don't know about me having blown her off. I left it off as "just let me know the time and place, and we'll meet up". She actually texted me at 12:50 pm and I responded at 2:40 pm. She had almost two days to text me, why wait until its almost 1 pm? I can't just sit around at work anticipating what time she'll get back to me. Plus in the past, before all of this stuff started, she always was the type to make definite plans at least a day ahead of time. So something is up.

 

I can relate to your post as I posted about a close friendship falling apart because of communication issues and some strange behaviour not long ago not even a week ago and just like you ,I didn't want all those good memories to go to waste because my friend were super tight or something but I think communication is the best way .

I decided to be honest with my friend and we laid it all on the table .It wasn't easy and she got super defensive but we resumed the convo in a calmer way I am just hoping that you can reschedule something .

I thought I did something wrong and turns out I didn't ,It probably has nothing to do with you I suppose.Don't blame yourself you did the best you could.I hope you get to reschedule soon and approach it with caution and don't go on the defensive.

[Tidal30]

I can relate to your post as I posted about a close friendship falling apart because of communication issues and some strange behaviour not long ago not even a week ago and just like you ,I didn't want all those good memories to go to waste because my friend were super tight or something but I think communication is the best way .

I decided to be honest with my friend and we laid it all on the table .It wasn't easy and she got super defensive but we resumed the convo in a calmer way I am just hoping that you can reschedule something .

I thought I did something wrong and turns out I didn't ,It probably has nothing to do with you I suppose.Don't blame yourself you did the best you could.I hope you get to reschedule soon and approach it with caution and don't go on the defensive.

 

Thanks for this post! I am sorry you are dealing with the same situation and I definitely understand the feeling. That is exactly how I feel, years of so many great memories. So many times both of us helped each other out when we were dealing with issues. Like you just don't find people you can trust that often in life like this, so I really don't want to lose all of that. If I had done something to hurt her, then I'd deserve this kind of treatment. But it doesn't appear I have done anything wrong, and friends have even said she has said nothing negative at all about me over the past few months.

 

That super defensive reaction you got was very similar to what I got. I did just drop it though after that. We'll see what the future brings, I do feel like I have tried up to this point. We'll see what time brings, for both of us.

[noski]

Thanks for this post! I am sorry you are dealing with the same situation and I definitely understand the feeling. That is exactly how I feel, years of so many great memories. So many times both of us helped each other out when we were dealing with issues. Like you just don't find people you can trust that often in life like this, so I really don't want to lose all of that. If I had done something to hurt her, then I'd deserve this kind of treatment. But it doesn't appear I have done anything wrong, and friends have even said she has said nothing negative at all about me over the past few months.

 

That super defensive reaction you got was very similar to what I got. I did just drop it though after that. We'll see what the future brings, I do feel like I have tried up to this point. We'll see what time brings, for both of us.

 

I understand perfectly but hey you did what you had to and hopefully It will be okay.It has nothing to do with you .Don't blame yourself .How you react from now on matters.That's all that you can control.

 

I know how you feel ,I get it,you wanna relieve all those moments ,that closeness but they are just memories,you can cherish them forever but also take this as an opportunity for self reflection,maybe try training your mind to detach from those thoughts because they are just thoughts,those thoughts "But we were so close, we shared so much ..we did this we did that "keep us stuck and make us hold on tighter .

 

Your friend may be going through something ,so it's important to give her space if needed.Try contacting her later for coffee later and don't bring up anything that invokes guilt or blame .For now ,whenever you feel sad,take a deep breathe and do something you like ,eat something you enjoy,talk to other people. As for me,I am choosing to let go,it did hurt because this was an important friendship but our last conversation was a confirmation that I needed to let go and put forth my self respect .I feel better after expressing to her what I needed.I am going to focus on my life,my family and people who care about me .

Stay strong ,you will be just fine ...

Edited November 2, 2016 by noski

[Tidal30]

Thank you again for another great post, one that gives more help with how to approach things going forward.

 

The thoughts of good times in the past do sting, but you are right. I need to just focus on the present and future. Also detach from these thoughts and memories. As much as it sucks, I really have to just not think of her until the day I hear from her again.

 

I do have a bunch of good friends, but this stings only because I was the closest to her for years up until now really.

 

I really haven't been vocal about what had been happening with anyone until recently. Since I have told a few people now, including 3 friends we share, I have a feeling it will get back to her now. That wasn't my intent.

[Standard-Fare]

There seem to be layers here of miscommunication, avoidance, and unaddressed hurt feelings. It's all building up on itself.

 

"Pretending it never happened" isn't going to be a solution — I think the two of you will just retreat further into avoidance, until you reach the point where it's too awkward to even try to hang out.

 

Go out for dinner sometime and try to talk honestly with each other. Maybe you don't need to dig into all the reasons why your friendship has devolved to this state, maybe that's too emotional. But you CAN address better ways to communicate in the future.

[elisalynn]

Has she been dating somebody new?

[Tidal30]

There seem to be layers here of miscommunication, avoidance, and unaddressed hurt feelings. It's all building up on itself.

 

"Pretending it never happened" isn't going to be a solution — I think the two of you will just retreat further into avoidance, until you reach the point where it's too awkward to even try to hang out.

 

Go out for dinner sometime and try to talk honestly with each other. Maybe you don't need to dig into all the reasons why your friendship has devolved to this state, maybe that's too emotional. But you CAN address better ways to communicate in the future.

 

Communication has been off for months for sure, and I've tired to address it but it always turns into a dodged text or ditched plan. I agree, unless things are reset to where there were last year, these problems will continue to build.

[Tidal30]

Has she been dating somebody new?

 

She was dating someone earlier in the year but is single now. Honestly though she could be seeing someone new and I don't know since we've been so distant.

 

If she was dating someone new, what could cause the issue. Opposite sex friendships can get tricky at times when one or both people are dating. I have seen that happened with other friends.

 

But we've been fine for years regardless if one of both of us are dating in the past. I did have one girlfriend that didn't like her, viewed her as a threat I think. But that relationship didn't last long anyways.

[whichwayisup]

. Most of the things she said were she has a tough schedule and if I don't want to be friends with her, then don't.

 

When people say this, it means they're not as invested as you are. Give her more than just space, in your heart and mind, detach from her and stop putting effort into a friendship that seems to have drifted and things have changed.

 

You've done nothing wrong, this all about her and whatever is going on in her life. It hurts to lose a long time friend but if she isn't willing to be kind and hear you out, then she's not worthy of YOUR friendship.

[Tidal30]

I actually agree, I really feel at some point we invested the same in each other but its changed.

 

So I actually have some good news. I got a card from her Saturday morning in the mail. She basically wanted to thank me for being a good friend and felt she has been unfair and disrespectful toward me. She said she took her last break up really bad, and felt "frustrated" with me because she felt I wasn't there for her to get her through it. She also said she has been battling depression, still is, but says she basically took it out on me for both issues.

 

I haven't responded to her yet, maybe I think I will just let things sit for a few days and I'll text her thanking her for the card and saying I am always here to support you, just let me know when you are ready to meet up or just talk about things.

 

I think one of out mutual friends talked to her and told her how I felt, and that got her to send the card.

[BC1980]

I'm glad she told you what was on her mind. If you don't know, you are confused and left in the dark. Your thread struck a cord with me because I've had a friend since I was 13 years old. We have been very close at times, even living together for 2 years during college. We did have a falling out during high school that lasted for a few years, but that was a really long time ago. When I was in my last relationship for 3 years, I kind of neglected her friendship. Up until then, we had been meeting up every week. Now, it's more like once a month or every 2 months. We aren't as close anymore, and she has become much closer with a woman at work over the past few years.

 

I really regret neglecting that friendship while I was with my ex, and I haven't been able to figure out how to repair it. I honestly don't know if she holds any ill will towards me, and I have apologized for letting the friendship lag. She brushed it off like it was no big deal.

 

Anyway, all that to say that friendships do change form over time. You sometimes drift apart and come back together. You sometimes don't. But I would try my darndest to keep a friendship going and to try to work out the problems. Maybe my former best friend and I will be close again one day. I think we will always be friends unless something crazy happens. I still know I could ask her for help or stop by her house anytime I needed to. But we just aren't as close and don't see each other as often. And that really hurts if I'm honest with myself, so I know how you feel.

[Tidal30]

I'm glad she told you what was on her mind. If you don't know, you are confused and left in the dark. Your thread struck a cord with me because I've had a friend since I was 13 years old. We have been very close at times, even living together for 2 years during college. We did have a falling out during high school that lasted for a few years, but that was a really long time ago. When I was in my last relationship for 3 years, I kind of neglected her friendship. Up until then, we had been meeting up every week. Now, it's more like once a month or every 2 months. We aren't as close anymore, and she has become much closer with a woman at work over the past few years.

 

I really regret neglecting that friendship while I was with my ex, and I haven't been able to figure out how to repair it. I honestly don't know if she holds any ill will towards me, and I have apologized for letting the friendship lag. She brushed it off like it was no big deal.

 

Anyway, all that to say that friendships do change form over time. You sometimes drift apart and come back together. You sometimes don't. But I would try my darndest to keep a friendship going and to try to work out the problems. Maybe my former best friend and I will be close again one day. I think we will always be friends unless something crazy happens. I still know I could ask her for help or stop by her house anytime I needed to. But we just aren't as close and don't see each other as often. And that really hurts if I'm honest with myself, so I know how you feel.

 

I think your post really hits home in that friendships can change over the years. Also some definitely drift for awhile and become closer later. I think in part everyone's life changes at time goes on, values and priorities change too.

 

I have a few friends that at one time we were really close and now we have drifted, not seeing each other much or talking much. I have also seen more casual friends become closer in recent years. I think why this friendship was so important to me is she really has been through the best and worst times of my life and she would say the same about me. So we've experience the best and worst life has had to offer together. She is also someone that I had trust, would always say exactly how I felt about things, etc.

 

With that said we have been casually texting since I thanked her for the letter. We did meet up for coffee yesterday and she opened up on some of her feelings and things she has been going through. I honestly just let most of what happened the past few months go, and I did tell her if she is feeling like this again, to just shoot me a quick text so I know. She did say she'd never be wishy washy about plans with me again and apologized a bunch of times for that.

 

So I think things will slowly improve, I offered to help her out with a few things. I think that really is what I was hoping for, considering a few weeks ago I thought we were done being friends going forward.

[preraph]

She just has other things to do and isn't willing to prioritize you the way you are willing to prioritize her. You want this more than she does. She's willing to be the occasional friend, but not if it's too much trouble, and it sounds like you two trying to get together with your schedules isn't worth it if it's that hard.