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Being Used?


BettyDraper

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Would you feel used by a friend if she only wanted to see you when her husband was out of town?

 

I recently ended a friendship with a woman who loved to go out and do things together. I enjoyed this. When her husband came back in town, she didn't have time to see me any more or even return a text.

 

I would never expect to see a friend every month but I prefer friendships where I get to see them at least a few times a year. Spouses and children are more important than friendships as well. However, I can't help but feel a bit tossed aside by a friend who only wants contact with me when her husband isn't at home.

 

What do you think?

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Sounds kinda odd ....does her hubs have some problem w you?

 

Personally I wouldn't tolerate being put on the backburner. (Within the proper context of not being too demanding to begin with.) If someone can't even return a text, yeah no it's just a goodbye moment, sorry. Give em back what they can spare for you. :)

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Sounds kinda odd ....does her hubs have some problem w you?

 

Personally I wouldn't tolerate being put on the backburner. (Within the proper context of not being too demanding to begin with.) If someone can't even return a text, yeah no it's just a goodbye moment, sorry. Give em back what they can spare for you. :)

 

Her husband has never met me.

 

When we texted and saw each other more often, it was usually her reaching out to me. I know what it's like to have a demanding friend so I don't act like that to others.

 

I agree with not giving more than you get in any relationship. Thanks Jen. :)

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I would say the majority of my female friends my entire lifetime, their man didn't want the to spend time with friends and made it unpleasant for them giving them attitude or purposely not showing up to sit the kids when they'd try. But if she'sa friend, she should be letting you know her situation in enough detail to explain it if that is it. Lots of wives, unfortunately, act like you don't exist until their man is gone somewhere. If it were me, I wouldn't put up with it because she isn't keeping in touch in between. That does sound like she's just using you and/or putting up with a manipulating controller at home.

 

Like my best friend's husband, he hates all company and he's doing a bit better but it used to be a huge deal that caused fights. When he rarely goes out of town without her, she usually has her closest family and friends over and lets them help her paint the house or something because he doesn't cooperate with that either. Though he has made an effort last couple of years to do a project of his own or two.

 

Curiously, she has been better about emailing me now that she is out of the house and working than when she wasn't. That pretty much says it all. And she doesn't let him tell her not to have friends or family, but she gets tired of fighting it a lot. But he seems to have stopped fighting it as much. I remember when he'd not show up to watch the kids on something she had asked him about weeks prior, some plans she had.

 

If they either don't care enough or won't fight for the right to keep up with friends on an occasional basis, to me that's not good enough. I mean, that IS the woman's choice whether to put up with that.

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I would say the majority of my female friends my entire lifetime, their man didn't want the to spend time with friends and made it unpleasant for them giving them attitude or purposely not showing up to sit the kids when they'd try. But if she'sa friend, she should be letting you know her situation in enough detail to explain it if that is it. Lots of wives, unfortunately, act like you don't exist until their man is gone somewhere. If it were me, I wouldn't put up with it because she isn't keeping in touch in between. That does sound like she's just using you and/or putting up with a manipulating controller at home.

 

Like my best friend's husband, he hates all company and he's doing a bit better but it used to be a huge deal that caused fights. When he rarely goes out of town without her, she usually has her closest family and friends over and lets them help her paint the house or something because he doesn't cooperate with that either. Though he has made an effort last couple of years to do a project of his own or two.

 

Curiously, she has been better about emailing me now that she is out of the house and working than when she wasn't. That pretty much says it all. And she doesn't let him tell her not to have friends or family, but she gets tired of fighting it a lot. But he seems to have stopped fighting it as much. I remember when he'd not show up to watch the kids on something she had asked him about weeks prior, some plans she had.

 

If they either don't care enough or won't fight for the right to keep up with friends on an occasional basis, to me that's not good enough. I mean, that IS the woman's choice whether to put up with that.

 

It's not good enough for me either.

 

A great example is two better friends that I have. One of them works full time and she is staying with her cousin due to a death in the family. That friend has still found time to reach out and also return my texts if I send them first. She told me that she wants to meet for lunch sometime this month but unfortunately October is going to be very hectic. I promised to host she and her husband for dinner some Saturday next month.

 

Another friend recently found out that her MIL and her best friend have cancer. This friend works part time and has two kids on the autism spectrum. She found time to text me and tell me these things in the midst of such scary news; she also reached out to me first. I told her how sorry I was that she was going through this and I said we would speak after Thanksgiving since this weekend is busy for everyone. I also said we could make a coffee date.

 

I'm gave those two examples to show that decent friends will reach out to each other even when family commitments are an issue. It takes five seconds to send a text and people make room in their lives for whomever is important to them.

 

As I grow older, I notice that I no longer have time for one sided friendships and rude individuals. I would rather have few close friends then a bunch of phony acquaintances who use me. I've also come to realize that most women give up their identities for their husbands and kids. I've never been that kind of woman but since that's what I notice in other ladies, maybe I should focus more on my marriage as well.

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Good examples. If someone wants to make time with you, they will. My best friend all through college and after, roommates, once she met her husband, she let him just run me entirely out of their lives, and once she had kids she didn't even try to pretend anymore, didn't want to deal with it. And we were not in the same state and it was before cellphones, so not like it was anything except infrequent contact and trying to visit once or twice a year. I still can't believe she did that. We were very close.

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Good examples. If someone wants to make time with you, they will. My best friend all through college and after, roommates, once she met her husband, she let him just run me entirely out of their lives, and once she had kids she didn't even try to pretend anymore, didn't want to deal with it. And we were not in the same state and it was before cellphones, so not like it was anything except infrequent contact and trying to visit once or twice a year. I still can't believe she did that. We were very close.

 

Even though I'm a traditional wife, I could never allow my husband to chase away good friends who have been steadfast. It's too hard to find good pals like that.

 

Women who let their men take over their social lives are weak and foolish. I'm only choosing to focus on my marriage more since that is what most of my friends do. My relationship with my husband has outlasted many users.

 

I'm sorry that your friend dumped you like that. I'm willing to bet that she would chase you for friendship if her marriage didn't work out.

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This is what married women and women in relationships do - they put their spouse/SO first. Which makes sense, as they have chosen to be with that person!

 

You're not obligated to make yourself available for a married/partnered person when their partner is out of town and they're feeling lonely, but you could look at it another way - they're a pleasant acquaintance for times when you have time to kill and want to spend it with someone you like. (I'm assuming you enjoy this woman's company.)

 

Friends are the people who make time for us in their lives, but not everyone we spend time with has to be a friend.

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This is what married women and women in relationships do - they put their spouse/SO first. Which makes sense, as they have chosen to be with that person!

 

You're not obligated to make yourself available for a married/partnered person when their partner is out of town and they're feeling lonely, but you could look at it another way - they're a pleasant acquaintance for times when you have time to kill and want to spend it with someone you like. (I'm assuming you enjoy this woman's company.)

 

Friends are the people who make time for us in their lives, but not everyone we spend time with has to be a friend.

 

I'm in a marriage and until recently I made it a point to maintain strong friendships so that my husband would not be my only support and source of social life. This is how women lose their minds when their marriages end-they have no idea who they are outside of the marriage because they have made their husband their entire reason for living.

 

We both referred to each other as friends but I don't think she was acting like one. It's not polite to use a friend someone for company when it's convenient.

 

In any case, I am going to do what I have always been against from now on.

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Even though I'm a traditional wife, I could never allow my husband to chase away good friends who have been steadfast. It's too hard to find good pals like that.

 

Women who let their men take over their social lives are weak and foolish. I'm only choosing to focus on my marriage more since that is what most of my friends do. My relationship with my husband has outlasted many users.

 

I'm sorry that your friend dumped you like that. I'm willing to bet that she would chase you for friendship if her marriage didn't work out.

 

Yes, they are weak and foolish for allowing that. A good partner wants their partner to have good friends. I know things can get crosswise when the husband or wife thinks all they do when out together is party and pick up people because maybe that's how they did before marriage, but if they don't trust someone any more than that, they need to not marry them. In the cases I've seen, the husband was so hostile that you couldn't just invite them along. And if you went without them, they made the wife feel guilty. I remember I met 2 of my girlfriends for a concert just out of town about 90 miles (I was traveling more like 300 miles to their 90) and we had reserved a hotel room, which they knew up front, because obviously didn't want to drive home in the middle of the night, plus needed a place to dress and makeup before the show. Anyway, it was before cellphones and I remember my friend (same one that dumped me) called him from a payphone and then began saying she had to go back and just made a bunch of excuses and left. He either blew up on her or guilted her into leaving. When I'd come in town, which was once or twice a year only, he'd get stinking drunk before my arrival. Once when she and I got home, I saw him hiding in the bushes. Ridiculous to have 3 kids with someone like that.

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Would you feel used by a friend if she only wanted to see you when her husband was out of town?

 

I recently ended a friendship with a woman who loved to go out and do things together. I enjoyed this. When her husband came back in town, she didn't have time to see me any more or even return a text.

 

I would never expect to see a friend every month but I prefer friendships where I get to see them at least a few times a year. Spouses and children are more important than friendships as well. However, I can't help but feel a bit tossed aside by a friend who only wants contact with me when her husband isn't at home.

 

What do you think?

 

Once a month, let alone a few times a year, is not a lot to ask. She should WANT to see you anyway. And not returning a simple text is downright rude and inexplicable. Yes, I would feel used.

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Once a month, let alone a few times a year, is not a lot to ask. She should WANT to see you anyway. And not returning a simple text is downright rude and inexplicable. Yes, I would feel used.

 

Thank you for saying this, Popsicle. I was wondering if perhaps my expectations were too high. I know that with the demands of children and hubbies, sometimes even once a month is too difficult for most so a few times a year is fine with me.

 

I guess now that her husband is home, I have served my purpose so why bother? Oh well. I am not here to be used by anyone so I prefer sticking to my friends who are into reciprocity.

 

I have a particular long distance friend and we text all the time. It's hilarious that our menstrual cycles have lined up across international boundaries! :lmao:

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Yes, they are weak and foolish for allowing that. A good partner wants their partner to have good friends. I know things can get crosswise when the husband or wife thinks all they do when out together is party and pick up people because maybe that's how they did before marriage, but if they don't trust someone any more than that, they need to not marry them. In the cases I've seen, the husband was so hostile that you couldn't just invite them along. And if you went without them, they made the wife feel guilty. I remember I met 2 of my girlfriends for a concert just out of town about 90 miles (I was traveling more like 300 miles to their 90) and we had reserved a hotel room, which they knew up front, because obviously didn't want to drive home in the middle of the night, plus needed a place to dress and makeup before the show. Anyway, it was before cellphones and I remember my friend (same one that dumped me) called him from a payphone and then began saying she had to go back and just made a bunch of excuses and left. He either blew up on her or guilted her into leaving. When I'd come in town, which was once or twice a year only, he'd get stinking drunk before my arrival. Once when she and I got home, I saw him hiding in the bushes. Ridiculous to have 3 kids with someone like that.

 

Are you serious? What kind of grown adult hides in the bushes just because someone they dislike comes to visit? :rolleyes: Men can be so immature.

 

I've never been into picking up anyone when I see my friends. We usually go out for dinner or dessert. Sometimes we go shopping or we visit each other's homes.

 

My husband will only comment on a friend who seems toxic. The decision to end a friendship or not has always been up to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. I could never marry someone controlling and rude.

Edited by BettyDraper
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I know that with the demands of children and hubbies, sometimes even once a month is too difficult for most ...

 

No it's not. You make time for what's important to you, and again, that's not a lot of time.

 

 

 

I have a particular long distance friend and we text all the time. It's hilarious that our menstrual cycles have lined up across international boundaries! :lmao:
That IS funny! :laugh:
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No it's not. You make time for what's important to you, and again, that's not a lot of time.

 

 

 

That IS funny! :laugh:

 

That's exactly that I believe. If my dear friend who is raising two children with autism spectrum disorders can find time to return my texts and have coffee a few times a year, then surely a woman with no children can do the same if she wants to. It's all a question of whom we deem important. Family is top priority but good friends should be somewhere on that list too. I'm not going to beg anyone to spend time with me because I'm above that.

 

My friend lives in PA while I live in Ontario, Canada. We talk 2-3 times a month on the phone and text all through the week. We love to joke that our cycles lined up from border jumping pheromones or just a strong psychic connection. She's a wonderful woman. I greatly appreciate the way she doesn't look down on me for being a housewife even though she's a career woman. :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thought it's quite common especially for married people?

Usually they will attend to their family first... And when their partner is not around, then maybe meet his/her friend out. No?

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Thought it's quite common especially for married people?

Usually they will attend to their family first... And when their partner is not around, then maybe meet his/her friend out. No?

 

So sorry that I just saw this now. :o

My issue wasn't that my friend prioritized her husband.

 

I just thought that is was rude to repeatedly make plans to see me all the time and then act like I didn't exist because her husband was home.

 

I still see my good friends whether my husband is available or not.

 

It doesn't matter now anyway. It's easy for me to make new friends and I have other friends who don't use me when they are lonely.

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