Guilty Friendship

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

A while back my friend told me that her boyfriend absolutely hated me, didn't want to spend any more time with me and she was avid that he was set in his opinion.

 

Since then I have been spending less and less time with her and blaming it on her being a hard person to organise things with due to her partner. While this is partially true there are plenty of times I can catch up with her one on one and I just can't bring myself to bother making the arrangement. I love her and have been her friend for a long time, I know I should try and make more of an effort but I'm just not for some reason.

 

I feel guilty because I have other friends that I spend time with now and am totally happy but know that I am losing something special. I am also guilty because I know I am starting to care about her less and less.

 

Thoughts welcome ?.

[jen1447]

I don't think there's anything wrong with distancing her. Assuming her BF's her priority, she bscly told you that you're in the quarantine section now bc presumably she won't block out big sections of alone time w you absent her BF.

 

I guess I'd appreciate her honesty but I wouldn't hesitate to tell her BF to suck it too, and by extension her, if she doesn't stand up for you at all.

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your reply. Her boyfriend is her priority however I know that she has distanced other friends because of him before and I was the last close friend left. Therefore she would sometimes prioritise maintaining our friendship over the better interest of their relationship.

 

I do appreciate her honesty but I also wish I didn't know as he was excellent at hiding his true feelings about me when we were together. Well until I found out that is. I wish I could express how much his hatred of me unbalanced me and my friendship with his girlfriend to his face. Although I know he would not take it well and neither would she.

[jen1447]

Hm, distancing all her close friends is the mark of a controller type. What about her family?

 

If it was a danger/manipulation thing for her as opposed to just her exercising her discretion and choosing to prioritize her BFs feelings, then I'd actually intervene.

[Nowty V]

If he is systematically removing all her other contacts, and you were the final one, she may very well regret her decision to allow this.

 

Once the stage of elimination is over what does he move onto next?

 

He sounds as though he is acting out of ignorance and fear.

 

All a bit unhealthy IMO.

[elaine567]

Jen is correct this is domestic abuse. If he has isolated her and you are her only friend left, then stick around, she will need you one of these days.

Social Isolation

[preraph]

Boyfriends seem to always hate their girlfriend's or wife's friends and try to keep them from seeing them by making it miserable. If the woman has an ounce of self-respect, she won't let him run them off, which is what he's trying to do, and will make plans with you just one on one despite whether he likes it or not.

 

If she doesn't make any effort, then I wouldn't either. Instead of telling you her BF hates your guts, she could have opted to instead tell him to zip it and be polite around your friends like an adult. But she chose the other.

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

Thanks everyone for repling.

 

No she isn't distanced from family as she is living at home and actively involved in looking after younger siblings. He spends time there often too.

 

I think the revaltion of his hate towards her best friend (me) struck her on an emotional level which is why she wanted to confide in someone. Unfortunately at the time that person was me which probably just made things worse.

 

Her boyfriend is insecure, a little OCD and quite judgemental however she finds that attractive about him. He doesn't seem to physically or emotionally abusive (although I have minimal knowledge on that) besides not liking the company of her friends. He does not have many friends of his own so when she spends time with others he is typically alone. He wants to be prioritised all the time as he believe partners should.

Edited October 5, 2016 by Midnight_Madness

[jen1447]

Loner, demands priority, criticizes others, has eliminated friend circle ....I'd say family's in danger of being next. Also there's often no real outward signs of abuse or control when 'pros' do it.

 

He may actually be an ok guy, hard to say for sure, but imo this whole thing would merit some looking into before you ditch, if you're truly committed to your friend.

[Miss Peach]

Hm, distancing all her close friends is the mark of a controller type. What about her family?

 

If it was a danger/manipulation thing for her as opposed to just her exercising her discretion and choosing to prioritize her BFs feelings, then I'd actually intervene.

 

I totally agree with this. My XH was the controlling and jealous type. I totally regret cutting off my friends for him. I knew about being hit, but I had no idea what emotional and verbal abuse was and how easily it snuck up on me in that relationship.

 

My XH never went after my family but he did go after all my friends - male and female. Then he went after my work and coworkers.

[Midnight_Madness]

Hi,

 

I'm meeting up with my friend on the weekend, I've decided I need to be more tolerant of her situation as she doesn't fully understand what's going on. I'm not sure I'll get to talk with her one on one about why I've distanced myself as we will be with a group of people. Fingers crossed we will talk soon though.