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Trouble with previous mentor


nutcracker

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Hi all,

 

TL;DR I am having some real trouble with an ex-mentor of mine, who I was on good terms with, but later did some real stupid stuff and I had to back off.

 

When I started my first job almost four years ago, I was assigned a mentor. He was very helpful, taught me a lot, wrote my recommendation letters for grad school and helped with my paper. We were on good terms and would once in awhile have tea or lunch together. Later, he started behaving really weirdly, (from trying to hold my hand to trying to kiss me), and I decided I had to cut it off. Then I eventually resigned to pursue my Masters' degree.

 

He later came on a business trip and insisted on meeting me. Now I wasn't interested at all, but he pleaded and pleaded and showed how much he had helped me and finally I did meet him, but he ended up touching me inappropriately and tried to do other stuff, but I got out before anything could happen. I was scarred for a while, did really badly that semester and avoided him because I was too disgusted by him.

 

He would keep messaging or calling and saying how he is sorry and all that. A year later, I began to give in. I was desperately looking for internships, and ended up sending him my resume. ( I know, should not have). Then I faced some difficulty at work with my project so would consult him for guidance, believing that he wouldn't do anything bad.

 

He somehow thought I owed him for all that and would insist that I take trips with him and go to places with him alone when I wasn't comfortable with it. I looked up to him as a professional mentor, so then I started questioning myself as to whether I was doing something wrong. Was I using him? So again, I stopped being in contact with him or responding to his (incredibly frequent) messages.

 

Recently he contacted me about a job opportunity that had opened up at my first company's headquarters, where he was still working. I was very reluctant but he insisted and eventually got me into a position I could not back out of despite me being very resistant. Now I'm in the company, partly out of desperation because I did not have a job either. Now the other day, he picked a fight with me over texts saying how I did not have gratitude and did not personally thank him for "getting" me the job, how I didn't go with him to coffee after I said I would (I had a meeting, and later forgot all about it) and how I've never been of any help to him.

 

I told him I really cannot be a friend any more after what he had done. He said he hasn't done anything to me of that sort recently and asked me why I was complaining. He even mentioned how he said he was hungry the other day, and although I asked him if he wanted me to cook something for him, I didn't insist. His exact words were, "Am I supposed to request you to make something for me?"

 

He has been emotionally blackmailing me like this for the past 18 months, and crying and asking me to be his friend. He got married recently and I am not comfortable with being his "friend". What do I do? I own that it's my fault too for still being in contact with him, but I cannot tell you how hard I'm trying not to. He's contacting me through all avenues possible and not letting me go.

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Scarlett.O'hara

Firstly, this guy is a creep.

 

Secondly, you need to take more accountability for your actions. You are an adult, which gives you the ability (and right) to say no.

 

You didn't have to stay in contact, you made the conscious decision allow him to contact you. You also didn't have to find a job working with him again. He was already inappropriate with you before that happened. That was a mistake, but you can still correct it.

 

If you want the emotional blackmail to stop, you have to stop condoning his comments and behavior. All forms of personal communication should be terminated. No social media, no cellphone numbers or email. He needs to be blocked access.

 

Advise him that from now on you will only accept communication on a professional level. That means more offers for lunch and do not offer to cook for him again (huge mixed signals there).

 

It would be a good idea to start looking for another job as soon as possible. For your own sake, you need to remove this man from your life permanently.

 

You need to be firm and don't allow him to make you feel guilt. Show him through your actions that you are not going to put up with it anymore.

 

You are in control, not him.

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Firstly, this guy is a creep.

 

Secondly, you need to take more accountability for your actions. You are an adult, which gives you the ability (and right) to say no.

 

You didn't have to stay in contact, you made the conscious decision allow him to contact you. You also didn't have to find a job working with him again. He was already inappropriate with you before that happened. That was a mistake, but you can still correct it.

 

If you want the emotional blackmail to stop, you have to stop condoning his comments and behavior. All forms of personal communication should be terminated. No social media, no cellphone numbers or email. He needs to be blocked access.

 

 

Advise him that from now on you will only accept communication on a professional level. That means more offers for lunch and do not offer to cook for him again (huge mixed signals there).

 

It would be a good idea to start looking for another job as soon as possible. For your own sake, you need to remove this man from your life permanently.

 

You need to be firm and don't allow him to make you feel guilt. Show him through your actions that you are not going to put up with it anymore.

 

You are in control, not him.

 

I completely agree when you say I should be more firm. But I did whatever I could to avoid him. Blocked him on phone, Facebook, everything. He would somehow find a way to contact me either through email or something else and lament how he is crying all the time. I even told him straight up that this is very inappropriate, and I cannot continue contact with him. I was definitely softer in the earlier days, but now I'm being firm and assertive. When I do that, he points out how I'm ungrateful and heartless and how people around help him, why can't I.

I'm losing my mind.

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Scarlett.O'hara

That sounds really awful.

 

You need to stand firm and don't back down. Make it clear to him that if he doesn't respect your professional boundaries you will report him for harassment. Hopefully he will that seriously.

 

I think finding another job as soon as possible is really important. It can't go on like this.

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Yesterday he said I should not be wasting my time writing on this website I use (I'm very passionate about writing), and focus more on my career because it's very competitive. I felt that was out of line and told him so. He apologized, and then said, whatever advice he gives is for my own good. I told him I have people in my life who wish well for me, and I know what wastes my time. At this point he said that I am basically an ingrate, the most disgusting person he has seen and that I can go to hell.

 

 

Did I do something wrong? I'm really panicked and disturbed.

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have either of you got proof of what went on?

 

could he get spiteful if you report him - and pull it off?

 

just saying take stock

 

his warning of competitiveness sounds sensible, tbh

Edited by darkmoon
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This has gone on much too long.

 

After waiting a while to make sure that you do not need his services any longer as a "mentor", then report him to HR at the college or possibly the

chair of the department, if you are on good terms with him or her only. (The chair may be friends with this professor?) You don't want him fired I assume,

but some serious reprimand should be done. Meanwhile don't speak to him.

 

 

I have worked in colleges. Nowadays there is zero tolerance at the upper levels of colleges.

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OP,

 

I've been in similar positions like you before. I understand how it feels to be bullied and I used to be terrible about letting it get to me. First off what I don't understand is how does he keep getting a hold of your email accounts? This boy (he's definitely not acting like a man with his actions or words) sounds like a stalker and the fact you said he's married caught my attention. I feel bad for his wife that her husband has been going around and trying to get inappropriate with a co-worker, maybe even other women in the process.

 

Right now he thinks "oh she won't do anything". I'm not trying to be rude, but you need to say that you'll report him for harassment if he doesn't stop and keep your word. I understand you don't want him out of a job or his marriage if his wife were to find out, but this seems like a situation where intervention is needed.

 

Best of luck to you!

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