I feel I can't get close to anyone

[Aetter]

From Primary School, I've always had difficulty making friends. I was bullied throughout primary to high school. When I got to uni, I spent 4 years in the university being alone. After I've graduated and started working in 2 different workplace, I've made friends with people, but I just can't seem to get to anyone.

 

The strange thing is people would say I'm nice, kind and friendly, and that I'm the calmest person they've ever met, but I just can't seem to get close to any of them.

 

I guess I should be grateful for what I have, but sometimes it's just difficult. When there's a work hangout, I always just became the background. When people would take group photo, I would suddenly get pushed all the way to the back. I don't know, I guess it's just depressing because I feel like I'm the person who no one would probably care/notice if I die.

[StalwartMind]

What is your definition of close, because even such vary greatly from person to person. To some it's hanging out, talking, having fun and know the person will be a frequent presence in their life. Others prefer the relation to be more in depth, which can include the need to share feeling, views and be able to discuss things of importance with someone who genuinely cares.

 

It's impossible to tell why you are currently not having success with finding anyone, but don't be too quick with judging yourself or others. Truth is sometimes you just don't run into the right people until a certain age, and when that is depends on a lot of different things.

 

If you are told you are kind, friendly and the calmest person they've met, then take it as a compliment but at the same time don't be offended if those people don't take an interest in you. For whatever reason they might not be looking for the same as you, even if they can appreciate your qualities. I personally don't have time for more than a few close relations, because I also want those to be close and it requires me to invest myself on a personal level, because that's what I seek and want.

 

It's important to take into account that not everyone enjoys or desires the same as you do. A lot of people, especially introverts tend to feel like as if no one understands them, and they do spend a good chunk of their life being an outsider. It can be discouraging, and without knowing why you always become the background it very likely could have something to do with your calm nature. From the sound of that, it sounds like you could be in an environment that just isn't tailored for someone like you, and perhaps you need to look elsewhere for close connections. All these things just depend on too many factors, but hopefully you'll be able to figure them out with time and speaking to others who might identify with what you experience.

 

I'm considered a calm, kind, caring, confident person myself and while I've not had any issues with making friends, I do know it's rare for me to encounter someone I truly connect with. Personality types do play a role in how we interact with each other, as well as what results we can expect in general from others. The world needs both introverted and extroverted people and there is a place for everyone.

 

If you are unhappy with the idea of being someone who isn't noticed or if you feel no one cares about you, then you might benefit from taking some active steps to meet people who will. Common values, goals and ideas is a decent starting point, but it does not guarantee success. I don't know you but if I was a stranger you met, I would give you the same attention as anyone else. This stems from my desire to understand others, and it has also helped me having an easier time with knowing who to spend my time on.

 

It is rare that change happens on it's own, and as such we must make an active effort if we desire things to be differently. As awful as it can feel to be alone or as if no one understands you, you do need to show the desire and keep a positive attitude if you want good things to happen to you. No one has tried everything, because you haven't met every single person on this planet and you also never will. As such there are always options, the only limit is yourself. Hopefully you will take into consideration your approach to things and try gain all kinds of perspectives as to how you might do something differently. It's possible that what you are already doing is just fine, but you just haven't run into someone yet who will care. At the very least you've made your point to a fellow internet stranger, and I can relate to your experience as I've had friends as well as an ex who feels similar to you. Don't let your spirit falter and just keep trying things, kind people typically find their way into other people's heart sooner or later.

[preraph]

They say you're calm. Maybe that means you're so quiet they can't get to know you? Are you interested in people? Do you ask them questions about themselves so they feel like talking to you and telling you things?

[Sugarkane]

I've got exactly the same problem. I'm great at cutting off toxic people- but it's left me friendless!

 

I've tried making friends at uni but they're all younger than me and aren't interested that I've got a kid. Even though I talk about many other things- not just kids.

 

I've tried making mum friends, but I was the only one who regularly showed up week after week. The leader of the group was in denial about no one else coming.

 

I lost friends when my ex dumped me out of the blue and saud he "faked our whole relationship".

 

I lost friends when I was sick during pregnancy and was the only one who had a kid.