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Feeling sad about a friendship


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One of my closest friends and I have grown apart in the last year. I can pin point the when exactly. It was when she started her diet and health kick.

 

That was a great decision for her. She was obese and now she's lost a ton of weight and looks great and is in great shape.

 

But when she started this new phase in her life, she kinda stopped texting me. It hurts a bit, not gonna lie. She never texts me first these days, unless it's to bitch about her other group of friends...

 

But then today she posted someone on FB about how her social life has dwindled to non existent in the last year (since she started her diet) and how people have dubbed her boring and not fun, supposedly because she doesn't want to get drunk anymore.

 

And I looked at her post and really wanted to comment that it wasn't that she didn't want to drink... I have friends who don't drink and their social lives are fine... because they still contact people to go out and do things. She doesn't. She goes to work and to the gym and maybe waits for invitations to reach her, and turns down offers to go to the pub. You dont have to drink to go to the pub.

 

I didn't say anything, as it would cause an argument, but I realised I'm angry at her. I've texted her about going to see a show the other day and she thought it was a great idea, but also hasn't been in touch to arrange dates (as she was busy at the time). Part of me wants to just leave it be, but the other part, the ones that likes to give people more chances, wants to text her to finally arrange going out and doing something and catching up...

 

But blaming her lack of social life on her health kick? Well yes... but not because people don't like her/it... it's more because she's so enthralled in all of it she doesn't have time for anything else!

 

I don't know that I'm looking for advice here... Just needed to vent a little bit...

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:( Sorry...she seems to have a different perspective and may not even want to hang out in a pub because she may feel pressured to drink - not by others but internally....I know you weren't looking for advice but, if you do miss her (and it sounds like you do!), text or call her back and give her some dates YOU are available to go to a show w/ her - maybe it won't seem so overwhelming if she only has a few dates to choose from instead of a whole calendar full! :)
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Hi babe! I know you posted your "rant" with no expectation of a proper response or any particular advice. But after reading it I can't help but think about all of the friendships I've had in the past.

 

*Let me just forewarn and say I am in no way an mental health expert, I only do the occasional research and have experience with people dealing with different forms in the past.*

Oftentimes when a friend suddenly alters their lifestyle or goes through drastic change, whether that be physically or mentally, it may mean something is psychologically wrong. Know that I am in no way excusing your friends behavior, I am merely just trying to think of different possibilities as to why this might be happening, to give you a more open mind and maybe help you piece together things. I've had friends in the past who suffered from mental illness and they all shared similarities between them that friends of mine who did not have MI's did not have. Those were, rarely sociable via text message, yet verbal online about their lack of friends or how 'sucky' their life had become, despite me always being there for them.

 

Of course, you can't and probably would never flat out ask someone if they're a sufferer, I do believe that there are warning signs, and I've even taken online classes that help to detect them. Just know that even though this is hard for you considering you've essentially lost a best friend, just know that she might be going through her own hard times herself. If you both ever manage to have another conversation I would just advise you to briefly mention that if she ever needs anything that you're there for her, that you'd never judge her. She very well may not be going through a hard time, it might just be the opposite considering she's losing weight and living a better lifestyle. But after losing friends of my own I've just learned to be more verbal to them, reassurance with most people is key, letting them know that you're there for them.

 

I also didn't see anything about you mentioning the whole lack of communication on her part to her. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't, that's of course up to you. But verbalizing something that's bothering you is also a very trust building thing and may make her realize that you miss her company and that you really do care about what's going on behind her closed doors.

 

I wish you the very best, my fingers are crossed for you and I hope that something good comes out of this, whether that be a good life lesson for you or a stronger friendship for the both of you. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you :love:

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Not everyone can refrain from drinking and still go to pubs. It's a personal thing. Plus not everyone likes to be sober around drunks. It's not much fun, you know.

 

I wouldn't stop inviting her to stuff. But don't expect her to go to a pub if she doesn't think that's good for her. Ask her to get together and ask her what she would like to go do. I bet she will come up with something. She's had a lifestyle change and sometimes we do lose friends when that happens.

 

For years, I've had times when I couldn't be on my feel long for various leg and knee and foot reasons, so one of my friends got bored with me because she loves to go to street fairs and museums. And so do I, but I just can't anymore. The last big walk outing I did with her, we went to the zoo, one of my favorite places, and I would have been fine if we'd just hit the main course and not walked to a remote one. I told her I was hurting, but she just doesn't care and keeps going, so I just can't go do that anymore.

 

Likewise at museums, I could do a short walk through, but she spends way too much time in one and I can't do that. So I just don't go with her there anymore. One time on my birthday we went to a casino and went to a concert. On the way in, the crowd made me take a really bad fall, paramedics came and everything -- and I was bleeding and limping. And after the show was over, which I had to have assistance getting out of the hall, she still insisted (her first time there) on walking the entire length of the entire casino, which is the biggest one in the world. And i did it to not ruin her trip, but now my MRI is coming up this month because I am still damaged from that little run.

 

So be considerate of her limitations. Ask her what she wants to do. My friend right now is on Weight Watchers and I often pick the place to lunch, but last time we found a "clean" eatery where she could have one of those obnoxious quinoa salads and stay on her diet real easy. And we still had a good time.

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I have no issues with her not wanting to go to the pub. And she does. We've been to the pub a few times after she started her journey. And she either doesn't drink or has one G&T and soft drinks.

 

The thing that gets me is that she has stopped making the effort *with me*. If I don't message her first, I'd never hear from her.

 

We're gonna hunt Pokemon tomorrow evening. But I'm a bit tired of having to put in all the effort when she doesn't, and then hear her complain about her lack of social life...

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I have often had those problems with my friends, one in particular. This year, I decided to wait her out and see how long it took for her to call and see if I was still alive. It was 6 months! partly because she has a bf taking up a lot of her time, but there's no excuse. But you need to tell her. Thing is I told this friend more than once after she said she was too busy or too tired to do something to call me when she wanted to and it was 6 months!

 

But do tell her you feel insulted she never contacts you and that it's always you having to make contact. Just tell her. You should be able to tell friends things. Then if she doesn't step it up, you'll have your answer.

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