Am I overreacting?

[Jjun]

Long story short, one of my best friends (lets call her Cal) is "dating" a guy (lets call him Dan). We met him together about 3 years ago and in the last year or so they started to like each other and sleep together. Anyways, my friend really likes Dan, but he wouldn't make it official and I didn't like that because i felt like he was playing her, but i didn't say anything. A few months ago my ex-bf told me Dan had been seeing another girl. I obviously told Cal and she confronted him and after that they agrees to become exclusive or at east tell each other if they screw others. I am not sure if he knows i was the one that told her about that.

Then 2 weeks ago I saw he was on tinder. I wasn't sure if I should say anything, because i didn't want to get in between them or start anything again, but I asked Cal's cousin if its worth it to say something and she said i should (BTW i confronted Dan before I told her and he said he wasn't doing anything on there). I told my friend about this to let her know he is on tinder and I even talked to him and he said he wasn't doing anything on there. She said she knew and he was just on there for fun. Later, she was talking to him and made a comment saying "if you're going to hoe around don't get caught by my friends". She was joking, but he got really mad. Told her off and said he is sick of her "immature" friends. Saying that I was a miserable **** and she should just go hang with me because he was sick of dealing with her friends. Then he messages me and tells me to go **** myself. I had no idea what was even going on because she said she didn't care he was on tinder?? I told her that he messaged me and she did get mad and tell him to leave me alone, because I didn't deliberately try to do anything, I was just trying to help. WHICH I WAS. I was just so upset because I honestly thought Dan was my friend to and he basically bashed me out saying all these ****ty things about me. Cal was saying to just "not worry about it" and "ignore" him. That he always gets mad and says stuff like that.

He gave her the silent treatment after that (he has had tantrums like this before btw), but they made up after a couple days and were all lovey-dovey again. But he has yet to apologize to me. I was annoyed but didn't really care enough and got over it since Cal is my friend and really likes him. Then yesterday I saw some messages between them where I came up and she told him to apologize to me because i was still upset. He basically said that he doesn't give a **** and i'm a spoiled brat. She didn't defend me or anything. She just moved on from the topic. I was honestly so hurt seeing that. I feel like she is picking this douchebag who screwed her over constantly over me. All i did was try to help and i am getting ****ted on. I just wish she would try to defend me or respect me a little more, but all it took was s simple apology and she is back on the Dan wagon. Dan is 26 and Cal and I are 20 BTW. Am I right to be upset about this? Or am i overreacting?

[kgcolonel]

This may not be what you want to hear but here goes....

 

You and CAL are both 20 years old....very young with a lot of life lessons to be absorbed. I can see that you were only trying to help your friend and you have made her aware of the kind of guy that Dan is....DB.

 

Your focus should be to be there for CAL, she knows who Dan is and what kind of guy he is....she is chasing after the typical badguy....cheater etc.

 

You can be there to listen to her when she catches an STD or catches him cheating but ultimately, what you see, she cannot.

 

Be a friend and let her find her life lessons going forward.

[preraph]

Well, look, she's chosen to believe he's on Tinder, the biggest hookup site there is for just finding sex partners, and that he is not really doing anything. So there you have it. She's decided to stay even though she knows he's cheating. And of course he is. He made her exclusive so he could keep her while still cheating.

 

Of course he hates you for messing with his game. I think she did all she could do as far as suggest he apologize, but he didn't and she's staying with him anyway for the same reason she is staying with him while he cheats on Tinder. But that's her choice.

 

I don't think you're out of line letting her know and I don't think she minded either. But she's not going to drop him (yet) over it. And you shouldn't make that an issue. Just tell her you hope things work out and you don't care if he likes you or not and be polite and nothing else if you have to see him. No point telling her about cheating anymore because she doesn't care. She will get tired of it eventually. But don't blow this up any more. Let her take the wheel now.

 

And you guys are really young. Not too many people have good committed relationships at your age. It's not unheard of and it's nice when it happens but most people still have some exploring to do, so just don't worry about it anymore and don't take an attitude and let her know you're there for her and that's it. Keep your friend.

[ChatroomHero]

eh, not sure what you expect if you try to sabotage the guy. Whether he is doing right or wrong, she knows or doesn't know, they have an open relationship or they don't, she likes him and he apparently likes something he gets from her.

 

 

If you are basically telling her he is a DBag and he knows you are doing this, why would he apologize to you? If you were dating a guy and one of his guy friends was constantly trying to sabotage you, I'm guessing you wouldn't care for him too much.

 

 

I'm not saying you're wrong for helping your friend but as long as they are together and you are spying and telling on him, he is not going to like you. He is not going to like you talking to his gf.

 

 

You told your friend what is going on, she knows and accepts it, it's no longer your job to inform her of anything, it's all on her.

[smackie9]

At 20, we can get a little self centered and selfish when it comes to boys/girls that we leave our friends dead last on the priority list. So even will just disappear from the social circle to be with their BF/GF. She is digging this a hole, and there is nothing you can do about it. Her head is too far up her butt at this time. Relax and let it go, it's only temporary.

[smackie9]

As for her not defending you.....you shouldn't be angry, more like disappointed would be a better word for it.

 

There will be more "disappointments" in the future with any friendship you have through out your lifetime. It's just part of life....so don't knock yourself out of the small stuff.....brush it of and don't take it so personally.

Edited August 12, 2016 by smackie9

[sunandbutterflies]

It can be really frustrating when you try to help someone that you care about and and up getting hurt instead. One of my sisters became interested in a fellow that had the potential to hurt her. (My family is pretty tight knit, so my sisters are friends.) Instead of hearing our concern for her, my sister only heard rejection. In her mind, by rejecting her choice of a man, we were rejecting her. As in your situation, being hurt is a perfectly natural and human response to hurt. Who knows if in the future, or even right now your friend may need your support. The more challenging thing is forgiving and the possibility that she may need your love and support more than ever before. I hope that things turn out well for you and that both you and your friend are able to find men that love you enough to commit to marriage.