Thinking about a comment that a friend made...

[purplesoccer34]

I'm thinking about a comment that a friend of mine made almost 3 years ago. And I don't know why, but it's started to bother me again after all of these years.

 

Basically, I was good friends with him in college. He'd text me all the time, offer to help me out with things even when I didn't ask, and in general was always kind and polite to me.

 

Then we graduated college, and all of a sudden he started becoming mean. He'd throw insults at me. Many were along the lines of, "shut up, no one cares", and "no one wants to hear your voice." Once, I remember telling him about a driving experience that I had and he said, "you should've just killed yourself. that would have made the world a better place." I will admit though that I'm still not entirely sure he said this. We were in the car with two other people. The music was pretty loud, and he muttered this under his breath. There's a possibility I didn't hear him correctly, but at the time, it sounded exactly like that.

 

I was incredibly hurt that a friend of mine would say something so horrible. No one had ever said that to me before, and I could never imagine saying that to even my worst enemy. I never confronted him about it, but after that I kept my distance from him. It seemed as though he didn't want to be friends with me either, because he basically stopped texting, calling, and asking to hangout.

 

It's been 3 years since that incident. Now, I see him whenever we're with a group of friends, and we're pretty friendly. He's nice to me, and we get into lively discussions. Just a few months ago, he showed up to my birthday dinner (I didn't invite him, a friend of mine did), and he voluntarily paid for my dinner even though I insisted he not do that. I do have him as a friend on some social media sites, and every now then, I'll get a message from him. Whenever I hear from him nowadays, he's nice and polite.

 

Thinking back to those days in college when we used to be close... I can't even count how many nice things he has done for me. When the only relationship I had in college had ended, I pretty much went into hiding and did not want to talk to anyone. This friend of mine noticed that something was wrong, and he insisted on taking me out to dinner so we could talk about it. He spent a lot of time talking to me, and he did make me feel better. Another day when I was sick, he offered to come over and bring me some medicine. At another time when I was being consistently pestered by someone else, this guy stepped right in and defended me. And on the flip side, whenever there was something he needed help with, I'd be the first person he'd come to. I gladly offered my help every time.

 

It boggles my mind that someone so nice could make such a mean comment. I'm not close friends with this guy anymore, and I have no desire to be, but the comment still bothers me to this day. He's thrown all sorts of insults at me right after we graduated college, and frankly I don't remember most of them, but I remember this one like it happened yesterday.

 

I really want to believe that I just didn't hear him correctly, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did say something like this, as he had all of a sudden turned into quite a mean person. Am I being too sensitive for still being bothered by something that was said 3 years ago? How can I just get over this? I know that mean people exist everywhere--that's life, and I know I can't let something like this affect me for this long. I guess I just want to know how I can forget this and not give any more thought to someone like him.

[Poppyolive]

You're not too sensitive. I bet your are an emapth, which is why you maybe holding on to this incident, trying to analyse or understand it, and all the feelings surrounding it. I, too, am like that. I don't understand why and how people can hurt one another. Especially someone that was once so close. I often recall past grievances and it boggles me. IT would of just been easier if he had said "this is how I feel...etc.. etc..it would be easier to understand and not hurt so much. ...

 

You're right to keep your distance, at least until you get an apology of some sorts. He can't just come Waltzing in buying Your birthday dinner etc.

 

Here is a great link that may help. Also, writing and or meditating helps me.

 

How to Stop Hurting When You Feel You?ve Been Wronged

 

And for fun.. meditation...

https://youtu.be/hdG7y-8XG7A

[todreaminblue]

you cant forget thats not the issue......you have to try to adapt and move on...i remember some really horrible things people have said and done and i guess what makes it easier to handle is to know they didnt break me.....it may be a scar but that scar has healed....

 

sounds like this guy is now nice.....which puts to mind he isnt really a mean guy just a guy who maybe was going through a rough period of his own...maybe it made him grumpy or unhappy and he took it out on you a little...

 

what i do is accept that people have bad days...weeks or even years......just like i do.....that peopel say things in anger or frustration and dont really mean them...even regret them and dont know how to bring it up...just like me.....sorry is actually just one word..often said...hardly meant..thats why i dont need apologies...i would much rather people just show me they are sorry by treating me right....and i let them apologize like that

 

i am an empath...peoples inner turmoil affects me....let alone what they say out loud so I try to remember no mattter what people say or do to me...i wont change who i am ...for them....i wont be mean back...and some times i spectacularly fail at this...but i try.....to be their friend regardless.....accepting and honest and calm

 

i dont like hurting people even when they have hurt me.....

 

you need to move on he is trying his best it seems to be nice now for whatever reason...it doesnt seem he wants to be mean to you...accept that person as he is now...the friend he was meant to be....next time he says something mean if he ever does...right there on the spot say...

that kind of hurts you know...im sorry you feel that you can speak to me like that.......be open and honest and be calm.....

 

i wish you well.....deb

Edited August 6, 2016 by todreaminblue

[purplesoccer34]

You're not too sensitive. I bet your are an emapth, which is why you maybe holding on to this incident, trying to analyse or understand it, and all the feelings surrounding it. I, too, am like that. I don't understand why and how people can hurt one another. Especially someone that was once so close. I often recall past grievances and it boggles me. IT would of just been easier if he had said "this is how I feel...etc.. etc..it would be easier to understand and not hurt so much. ...

 

You're right to keep your distance, at least until you get an apology of some sorts. He can't just come Waltzing in buying Your birthday dinner etc.

 

Here is a great link that may help. Also, writing and or meditating helps me.

 

How to Stop Hurting When You Feel You?ve Been Wronged

 

And for fun.. meditation...

https://youtu.be/hdG7y-8XG7A

 

Thank you for those links. The first one was nicely written and made me feel better almost instantly. I have been getting into meditation as of recently, and I'm amazed at how well it works to clear the mind.

[purplesoccer34]

you cant forget thats not the issue......you have to try to adapt and move on...i remember some really horrible things people have said and done and i guess what makes it easier to handle is to know they didnt break me.....it may be a scar but that scar has healed....

 

sounds like this guy is now nice.....which puts to mind he isnt really a mean guy just a guy who maybe was going through a rough period of his own...maybe it made him grumpy or unhappy and he took it out on you a little...

 

what i do is accept that people have bad days...weeks or even years......just like i do.....that peopel say things in anger or frustration and dont really mean them...even regret them and dont know how to bring it up...just like me.....sorry is actually just one word..often said...hardly meant..thats why i dont need apologies...i would much rather people just show me they are sorry by treating me right....and i let them apologize like that

 

i am an empath...peoples inner turmoil affects me....let alone what they say out loud so I try to remember no mattter what people say or do to me...i wont change who i am ...for them....i wont be mean back...and some times i spectacularly fail at this...but i try.....to be their friend regardless.....accepting and honest and calm

 

i dont like hurting people even when they have hurt me.....

 

you need to move on he is trying his best it seems to be nice now for whatever reason...it doesnt seem he wants to be mean to you...accept that person as he is now...the friend he was meant to be....next time he says something mean if he ever does...right there on the spot say...

 

i wish you well.....deb

 

Yes, I think you are right. I'm finally coming to realize that this was maybe just a rough period in his life. Or maybe I really had unintentionally hurt him and had no idea about it. I don't know, even if I did do such a thing, I still have no idea about it. You are right that he basically seems like a nice guy though, and for that reason I must forgive and move on. These things happen.

[todreaminblue]

Yes, I think you are right. I'm finally coming to realize that this was maybe just a rough period in his life. Or maybe I really had unintentionally hurt him and had no idea about it. I don't know, even if I did do such a thing, I still have no idea about it. You are right that he basically seems like a nice guy though, and for that reason I must forgive and move on. These things happen.

 

 

when i posted this last night i wrote what you could say next time he says something hurtful but it didnt post....

 

you are right some times we dont even know when we hurt people they hold it in.....and unfortunately it grows..you dont have to even be the person who hurt them ...but you feel the effects...from either them lashing out.....or from being an empath not understanding why they are the way they are, or the tension in the air, unless they tell you why...if you are an empath as another poster suggested you might be....honesty is actually necessity in personal relationships....from you and from them

thats why i try to break the cycle with honesty.which is what i wrote that didnt post before the i wish you well ending...:0)..

 

Nine times out of ten honesty works..if someone says something hurtful....i let them know they hurt me...i do it calmly normally and then ...miracles occur....they open up and tell me what is wrong...and i try and help.....so thats why i believe honesty is best.....

 

then again in the other one time out of ten, there are just mean people walking around trying to make others as unhappy as they are......unhappiness always has an origin.. a starting point....a person hurt by one other person....and when that hurt happens across your path...the best you can do ...is be you.....be honest.....and hold your head up.....dont let hurt break you...forgive easily.....is the best way not to let it in

 

you might not forget who hurts you or what they said...the best you can do is to not let it in to your heart....and remember the good and the wonderful things that people have said to you including from him...the thoughtful in him...find that thoughtfulness and remember it.....i wish you the best with this......you will move on...:0)...good luck...deb

Edited August 6, 2016 by todreaminblue

[porta77]

Three years...I wouldn't expect an apology, not that it would matter.

He is NOT a friend. He's a mean-spirited jerk, and I'd stay away from him when possible.

[clam]

He liked you more than you liked him; in other words, you were more than a friend in his eyes, but YOU clearly had him in the friend zone.

 

The anger he displayed towards you was his frustration at being spurned or rejected by you (you were probably dating someone or liked someone else when he made those hateful comments).

 

Time has passed, he's over you, and so he's back to being his old self.

Edited August 16, 2016 by clam

[preraph]

Number one, never even consider getting romantically involved with him. If he does that to people he's trying to be friends with, think how nasty he'll be once the new wears off a relationship.

 

Even most sociopaths learn to be charming at an early age and are aware people expect this of them and do it to cover up that they aren't really empathetic or really care that much. They often come across as con artists, and con artists nearly all rely on charm to make people trust them.

 

This guy has a screw loose somewhere to say something like that. He knows it's inappropriate, so he said it under his breath where no one else could hear. The bad thing is you didn't kick back when he said something so nasty. This tells him you'd make an easy victim to take advantage of and abuse.

 

So stop internalizing his comment. It was a nasty test to see if he could show you his dark side, and you showed him he could. Lucky for you he didn't focus on you after that, but he might in the future, so avoid him when possible.

 

So what he pays for things. So do pimps.