A friend has contacted me after 3 years

[disneyfan90]

I was friends with a guy back in college. We didn't see each other so much back then, but we did communicate a bit on social media. After graduating college, he appeared to be quite lonely, and would message me all the time. Out of sympathy for him, and thinking that he just needed a friend, I replied to his messages. My responses were short at first, because I had no intention of being close friends with him. I wasn't sure why, but I had a feeling that I should keep my distance.

 

Eventually, our messages started getting longer and longer and I became comfortable enough with him to tell him about my life, my goals, and any problems I was facing. At first, he was supportive, and a trusted confidante. But as the friendship grew, he would lash out at me for the silliest of things, and just put me down in general. An example is when I got into graduate school. While I was excited for my future, his comment was something along the lines of, "That school and that degree are worthless. You'll never get anywhere in life if you pursue that. I just don't see any ambition in you." He often made belittling comments about my friends and family, and would outright brag about how much "more intelligent" he was, compared to them. When I told him about my biggest dream, he said, "You don't have the talent for that. Sorry." One day, he went as far as saying, "No guy will ever love you."

 

At some point I had enough and told him that I was just not interested in being friends. I deleted him from all my social media accounts. Ever since then, I've felt nothing but happiness. I finished grad school, ended up with a job that I love, and I'm dating a great guy. While I may not be "ambitious" by his standards, I've finally attained happiness and that's what matters most to me.

 

Just a week ago, I got a message from this friend after 3 years of absolutely no contact. He apologized profusely, saying that he didn't mean any of the things he said to me in the past. He explained that at the time, he was greatly struggling in his life and somehow took it all out on me. He's in his early 30s now, and is supposedly still without a job and no real plans for the future, no real friends. I responded to his message, once again out of sympathy.

 

We've exchanged a few messages in the past week but everything was very much on the surface. He has made attempts at asking me about my life in order to start deep, personal conversations like we used to have. He has been friendly and polite so far, but I don't want him to know anything about my life anymore. In the past, I would tell him about every little thing, from every job interview I had, to every conversation I had with every guy I was interested in, to the classes I was taking....we would talk all day long.

 

But now, I don't even want this guy in my life anymore. In the past, his belittling comments affected my self-esteem, which in turn affected my performance in every area of my life. It was a bad time in my life. Communicating with him again is only going to bring back those memories, memories that I never want to relive. Am I being too harsh on him for feeling this way? Should I be more sympathetic to his circumstances?

 

I guess my other question is, how do you make it clear that you don't want to be friends with someone? Do you all of a sudden stop responding to them, or do you gradually cut down on communication?

[JewelD]

Nope, it's normal to not want to be around people who don't make you feel good about yourself. I've cut many college 'friends' off these past few years and I never look back.

 

Honestly, I just stopped talking to them. I did not reach out, if I responded to a text, it was very standoffish. If I saw them, I'd say hi, but they got the hint eventually.

[azlightsout]

nope cut em off an be done with it -

[major_merrick]

With friends like that, who needs enemies? Cut the contact, change your info if necessary, and be done. Sounds like he was never a true friend, and I for one don't talk to people I don't like out of sympathy.

[sugarpuss]

Like the others said -- cut him off and don't worry about it. Maybe he's changed, maybe he hasn't, but you don't need to stick around to find out. I wouldn't hesitate to tell him straight up why you don't want to be friends again if he asks or insists on being friends. You don't have to be mean about it, of course, but he is aware of his past behavior so he should understand your decision.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry he treated you that way. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want him in your life. I would just be honest with him and tell him exactly why you don't want to talk to him. Just say what you told us, "In the past, his belittling comments affected my self-esteem, which in turn affected my performance in every area of my life. It was a bad time in my life. Communicating with him again is only going to bring back those memories, memories that I never want to relive."

It's okay to not want toxic and abusive people in your life!

Best of luck!!