How to keep strong boundaries with high maintance friend

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Everyone has come across something like this before. You have a friend, who is a bit clingy and needy. When you're stressed they always bring the conversation back on them and talk about themselves and when their highly stressed you are the first person they talk to. I was stressed out and my friend was stressed out and I said to her " look I'm under a lot of pressure." she kept talking and talking about herself and " what a bad space she's in" " I said " I cannot help you at this time, please seek a professional. I'll be inundated with work. Very stressed and I cannot help you. sorry"

 

I was nice about it. But I just put up a clear boundary.

 

she then deleted my number off of her phone.

When I said to her " hey I am free now, to chat," she asked " whose this" and I had to explain who I was she said " I thought I would give you space so I deleted your number off of my phone" I thought that was weird so I just moved on, forgot about it.

 

I invited her to church and she just asked ( not even polite about it) can you come pick me up and take me there? as if I was a taxi service. she said come after 3. I said "i'll come later than that" she said " more like four?" I said " I'll come when I come"

 

then I said, what happened to your own car? like I don't mind dropping you there but I said I don't like the way you've asked me, it's very rude and I am not a cab service.

 

she said well then I decline

 

Am I being a bitch or is she? maybe I cannot be there for her at this stage. She has been generous in the past but I just feel like it's a take, take, take friendship and I don't know if I was setting a boundary or being mean.

 

It's hard for me sometimes to know the difference.

 

How has others dealt with this in the past? I always feel guilty too.

[Nowty V]

 

It's hard for me sometimes to know the difference.

 

Me too, social interactions can be confused for a myriad of reasons, this article gives one.

 

A ?chatty gene' that makes people sociable is discovered | Daily Mail Online

 

How has others dealt with this in the past?

 

Set the boundaries you need, be courteous.

 

I always feel guilty too.

 

No need for guilt, if they have an issue you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, it's not about you. The issue is theirs.

[ChickiePops]

Everyone has come across something like this before. You have a friend, who is a bit clingy and needy. When you're stressed they always bring the conversation back on them and talk about themselves and when their highly stressed you are the first person they talk to. I was stressed out and my friend was stressed out and I said to her " look I'm under a lot of pressure." she kept talking and talking about herself and " what a bad space she's in" " I said " I cannot help you at this time, please seek a professional. I'll be inundated with work. Very stressed and I cannot help you. sorry"

 

I was nice about it. But I just put up a clear boundary.

 

she then deleted my number off of her phone.

When I said to her " hey I am free now, to chat," she asked " whose this" and I had to explain who I was she said " I thought I would give you space so I deleted your number off of my phone" I thought that was weird so I just moved on, forgot about it.

 

I invited her to church and she just asked ( not even polite about it) can you come pick me up and take me there? as if I was a taxi service. she said come after 3. I said "i'll come later than that" she said " more like four?" I said " I'll come when I come"

 

then I said, what happened to your own car? like I don't mind dropping you there but I said I don't like the way you've asked me, it's very rude and I am not a cab service.

 

she said well then I decline

 

Am I being a bitch or is she? maybe I cannot be there for her at this stage. She has been generous in the past but I just feel like it's a take, take, take friendship and I don't know if I was setting a boundary or being mean.

 

It's hard for me sometimes to know the difference.

 

How has others dealt with this in the past? I always feel guilty too.

 

Ehhh..she is clingy and needy and it does sound annoying..but the way you spoke to her was kind of cold. Instead of being so formal, and telling her to seek professional help (which is a pretty rude thing to say to a friend), you could have just said you were busy and you'd talk to her later.

 

As for the car thing, she was definitely rude to assume you'd take her, but you also could have given her a more specific time when you were going to pick her up instead of saying you'd come when you come.

[La Trese]

I have a friend exactly like this and yes its extremely annoying, and yes, you need to set boundaries but you are also being kind of rude. Being direct doesn't work with these people because they are so good at turning it around on you. Usually how I deal with friends like these is reward them for respecting your boundaries, and being unresponsive and unreliable when they are overstepping their boundaries.

 

Situation #1:

 

"You have a friend, who is a bit clingy and needy. When you're stressed they always bring the conversation back on them and talk about themselves and when their highly stressed you are the first person they talk to. I was stressed out and my friend was stressed out and I said to her " look I'm under a lot of pressure." she kept talking and talking about herself and " what a bad space she's in" " I said " I cannot help you at this time, please seek a professional. I'll be inundated with work. "

 

I would have handled it by not responding at all until a few days later when you are not busy and then would have said something like "hey just got your message. Sorry I was super busy and stressed myself but what's up?"

 

If they keep it short or by that time its over, great reward them with some quick advice. If they try to turn this into a long dragged out conversation then don't be responsive anymore until two days later with the same excuse. The friend I have like this never gets the hint but at least spacing my interactions out with her like that makes it more bearable. If they start to change their behavior than I will reward them next time by responding quickly next time if I'm not busy, although still keeping it short.

 

Situation #2: "I invited her to church and she just asked ( not even polite about it) can you come pick me up and take me there? as if I was a taxi service. she said come after 3. I said "i'll come later than that" she said " more like four?" I said " I'll come when I come"

 

My friend is also like this and this one is a little tougher. I think you kind of handled it correctly but I think in this case you have to be a little passive aggressive. I would say something like "I can't pick you up sorry, if you would like to come you are welcome to meet me there". Offer no explanation. If she pushes you and tries to force you to pick her up, then i'd go with the unreliable route. Say something like "i'll try but no promises" and then make her wait forever or even cancel right after and be like "sorry can't make it!". The point of this strategy is to make it more convenient for her to just find her own form of transportation than for her to ask you for rides every time. If the friend stops being annoying, then I may reward them by once in a while offering a ride if I have time. Again my friend like this never gets the hint but at least it gives me a bit of satisfaction knowing i'm not being walked all over by making it extremely inconvenient to be taken advantage of.

 

Honestly though in my own experience as much as you deal with people like this eventually it gets to the point where you will just naturally get exhausted and avoid them if they don't take a hint. That's the stage i'm at with my similar friend. I love her, but I just don't feel like hanging out with her because i'm tired of having to deal with constantly having to enforce my boundaries.

[preraph]

It sounds like no matter what, she's have gotten her hair up for setting any boundary or for telling her what time YOU would give her a ride. She sounds narcissistic, as if she believes everyone should place her needs above theirs.

 

You are right to come out and tell her when you are too stressed to keep up with her problems. If she weren't so selfish she'd have understood and doubled down to help you with yours.

[Lady2163]

If I'm reading this correctly, you asked her to go to church with you.

 

While you are friends, not dates, it isn't out of the realm of normal for her to ask for a ride AND geez, yeah, you should probably tell her what time you will pick her up, she isn't a mind reader.

 

Now, that said. Your house, her house and the church. Was this a triangle of a drive that took you out of your way or a straight shot with just a few blocks detour?

 

A former friend one time asked me to pick her up. This meant I had to go west to her house, then go back within a few blocks of my house and further east. The process would have to be repeated when I took her home. I assumed one of her children had her car. This took me about 15 minutes each way- 60 minutes out of my way.

 

When I got to her house, on time, I honked. A couple minutes later I honked again. After the third time, I went to get her. I opened the garage door to see her car there. When I asked her why, she said, "I just didn't feel like driving."

 

The next time she wanted a ride, I told her "No". My time is more valuable than that. I don't think I have any reason.

 

If you set your limits with her, both to yourself and to her as needed, you might have more patience with her. Because she is currently lacking what you consider the bare minimum to be a good friend, you have a short fuse and everything gets on your nerves.

[smackie9]

Simple, you are not compatible. There comes a time when we just out grow our friends and make new ones. Nothing wrong with calling it quits if they no longer fit into your life.