why is my friend suddenly quiet?

[Bob47]

Boy/girl friendships. I'm convinced now that they are the worst thing ever.

 

Everytime I'm on this board, I have something new that's hurting me about my best girl friend. So here's the next chapter.

 

I've been friends with her for going on 5 years. We have done everything together. We have what I consider to be a very close friendship. I've struggled on and off with feelings for her, but in the end I always know why we are not a couple.

 

Lately, I don't know what the heck has been going on. A couple days ago she started being really quiet at home (we room together, college). Usually we enjoy each others company and have a lot of fun together, at any time of the day. But I just feel like she doesn't want to talk with me now. This really hurts, because we have shared so much, for so long. And I have no idea where the sudden change of attitude came from. Sometimes I can't get more than one or two words out of her.

 

On top of that, she and I never used to party. We would find other things to do. Now that we're about to graduate, she's wanted to go out with other people, and drink. If that's her decision, then that's fine. I don't drink. But it hurts that it makes me feel like I'm too boring for her now. Like I'm old hat, not worth her time. I chose her as a friend partially because we shared the idea that we didn't need alcohol to have a good time. Now she seems to rather go and get drunk with other people, than even attempt to have fun with me--after 3+ years of having non-alcholol related fun with me. Again, it makes me feel old, worthless, boring. Cause then she comes back home, and doesn't talk to me. Aren't 4+ years of friendship important to her?

 

All I want is for her to show that she still wants me in her life. I have invested almost all of myself into her at times. I hold her friendship very, very close to my heart. I helped her through a stage of intense depression that she had a year ago. I've helped her countless times, and been nothing--NOTHING, but a good friend to her. But now I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I've been used. And what's with the not talking? What prompted her quietness around me? All this uneven ground between what used to be a completely comfortable friendship is so painful.

 

I've been through this with her before. About 3-4 weeks ago. She woudn't talk to me, I thought maybe she needed space. So I gave it to her. Then at some time things returned back to about normal. Now the cycle has started again, and she doesn't talk to me!!! If it is space that she wants, why doesn't she just ask me for it? I give her space! Why instead, is she just quiet? She doesn't get mad at me, she doesn't seem aggrivated or frustrated, or annoyed. I really can't tell if it is space she wants!

 

She's so flurty with other guys. She meets them somewhere, with a big smile and a hug. She doesn't smile at me now, and rarely hugs me. She's the type of girl who has a lot of boy-friends, and I think it's because she (unconciously) knows she can control them. Guys listen to her!!! Half of her boy-friends would love to go out on a date with her, and she has no idea! But she's a control freak, and hangs out with them cause they do her bidding. I know that's how I've acted in the past. I've tried to change that, cause I'm tired of her not respecting me. Everything always has to go her way--ALWAYS.

 

If for some stupid reason she doesn't want to be friends with a guy who cares about her, and knows her so well, then why can't she respect me enough to at least tell me? What's with this repeating quiet game, that disappears and then reappears?

 

Right before it reappeared again, she threw a surprise b-day party for me. But there was no real happiness coming from her. It was almost like she did it out of obligation.

 

Is she trying to break away from me? Is she finally (after 4 years) freaked out by how close we are? Is she going through some sort of a pre-graduation crisis? She won't tell me, and treats me like crap!

 

I'm tired of putting so much work and heart into this girl, who doesn't seem like she wants to give it back. Right after the birthday party, it was "I'm not talking again". WTF? I am so confused, so very, very hurt. I care so much...

[life loser]

mate, what you feel is happening is usually what is happening

 

i advise you to sit down and talk with her

[LucreziaBorgia]

we're about to graduate

 

1. If for some stupid reason she doesn't want to be friends with a guy who cares about her,

2. and knows her so well, then why can't she respect me enough to at least tell me?

 

Friendships are like an old favorite shirt - it can be your favorite one, but it can still wear out, be lost, be outgrown, or get discarded over time if you don't put in an effort to preserve it. It sounds like she is ready to turn a new corner in her life, and she has outgrown your friendship and is preparing to discard it. From her behavior, it sounds like at this point - to her, your friendship has become an obligation that she is ready to let go and does not want to take with her when she starts a new chapter in her life. Its sad, but it happens - despite your best efforts, and no matter how good of a friend you are - you can only control what you put into a friendship, not what the other person returns as a result.

 

Right now, your worth to her lies in how willing and able you are to let her go and the rate at which you do so. Its apparent she wants to go, but she lacks the courage to tell you directly - particularly when she may still like you on some level. Its not easy looking someone that has been so good to you in the face and telling them that you are ready to walk away. She most likely finds it easier to just gradually ice you out, than to have to deal with the emotional fallout/guilt of being brutally honest with you about it. Right now, she has you at a arm's length and intends to keep you there. That doesn't mean she's ready to ditch her favorite security blanket quite yet, but she is already making plans to.

 

It sounds to me like she was never really your friend, and your interest was not in friendship so much as it was a subconscious expectation that she would one day return your investment in the form of a romantic involvement. She used you, but understand this: you used her too. You both called it "friends" when it wasn't really the selfless giving and caring type of friendship between people. For her, it was an opportunity to have a guy around to do things for her, and for you - it was a friendship given only with the expectation of something more down the road. You don't give a friendship to someone and then hit them with a bill (with interest and tax!) later. You gave, she took and now she's ready to go - and she wants to leave without paying the bill you are presenting her. Big mess.

 

All you can do is talk to her. You'll have to change your tactic though. You can't ask her "why are you doing this", because if she has any 'like' left for you - she isn't going to be able to tell you the answer to that, particularly since you are still having to room together. She may not be finished with you yet, or still has some sort of vague need for you that allows her to keep you at a distant arm's length (either that or she simply doesn't want to complicate the living situation). It would be too painful for her to dish out the truth, and too painful for you to take. Unfortunately, you can't stop the process - and as the last little bit of 'like' she has for you leaks away, and her escape from you outweighs her obligation to you - she'll go very icy on you and shut you out altogether.

 

If there is no way that either of you can stay anywhere else until graduation, then you'll just have to do some withdrawal yourself. Pull back your emotions, and let her do her thing. When the time comes to move out, then you'll have to have that "goodbye" talk. I expect by that time - as it becomes closer to graduation and you start to panic at the idea of losing her, things will escalate to the point where the "goodbye" talk is inevitable anyway.

[sarah12]

And this is why I don't let male friendships get too close...

 

It ALWAYS gets messy when you start getting too close and personal with them, and especially if you live with them. I'm not sure why guy friends get so jealous if you talk to other guys, it's not like you are their boyfriend or anything, so she is free to talk to whoever she wants, smile and hug other guys. I do this with guy friends that I don't see too often, but the ones I see a lot, I don't hug much anymore because I am not really a touchy-feely-huggy type of person. Maybe this girl is the same way. Anyways, my point is, if you didn't have feelings for her, you wouldn't have a problem with her talking and smiling/hugging other guys, or with the fact that they do things for her at her every beck and call. I'm not saying that doing that is a good or a bad thing, it's just a fact that most people accept about certain other people and don't think much about it unless someone was getting hurt.

 

I think that you should distance your friendship from her a bit so you can protect yourself from getting hurt. Seems like you are definitely more invested into this than she is, and so you should go and find some friends who you can have fun with so that when she isn't around, you aren't feeling the way that you are. No one friend can take on all the responsibility of shouldering your friendships/fun/feelings, you need to distribute that over a few different people. It helps to get your mind off things so that you can still enjoy yourself. You're young, graduating, it should be a very fun and happy time, don't let the tough stuff get to you.

[faux]

I think that you are kidding yourself if you believe you do not have feelings for this girl. I see signs of jealousy in your post, as well as signs that you may be taking your living arrangement more seriously than is this friend of yours. Friends, even the best of friends, go through periods of time when they do not speak to one another, or see one another; this does not mean that the friendship has ended. I am certain there are plenty of other things that you can do, and plenty of other people with which to do those things. If your friend wants to go party and drink, and meet guys, you have no right to stop her.

[westernxer]

You wasted five years being friends with her when you could've been dating other chicks, correct?