Jump to content

BFF + BF = brokenheart


Recommended Posts

Yesterday night I found at my boyfriend of 3 years and my best friend of 5 years had been sending nudes to each other, sexually skyping and flirting over text for a number of months now... I read a lot of things that broke my heart and i am so lost in this situation. They even met up and "didn't do anything" except maybe kiss but they said they "wished they had done more". They deleted the messages and even said "If Elise found out we wouldn't be friends/in a relationship" but kept doing it anyway, being so careful & calculative with their actions - only doing it when i'm busy with a tutor or with another friend for dinner.

They are both at fault and i'm shocked, disgusting and so hurt by what they have done to me.

 

I've cried all night and all day, and i know in my heart i've forgiven them both but i don't know what to do.

I can't lose the two most important people in my life, but i can't just let them hurt me like that... What do I do?!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Believe that they are still lying and probably did a whole lot more than they are admitting.

 

Trust us old folks to assure you that you don't need friends like this and you will make more friends; people who won't treat you this way.

 

You delete their numbers, block them entirely, and don't talk to them ever again.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a huge double betrayal and while I'm sure it's devastating to lose 2 important people in your life at the same time, it's really best for you to cut both of these liars out of your life right now. Your best friend isn't really your friend at all and your bf not only cheated on you but also chose to do it with the one person that would guarantee the deepest pain should the affair be discovered (make no mistake, this was an affair and it was cheating even if his penis never actually penetrated her vagina). Their actions are despicable and neither one of them will have any respect for you if you just decide to forgive them and then continue on your relationships with them as if nothing happened.

 

You say in your heart you have forgiven them both already and yet you only found out yesterday. It is not possible for you to have forgiven them in 24 hours. Forgiveness is a process and takes time to achieve. It usually only really happens when the transgressor has shown great remorse (not guilt and not self pity) and proven through their actions that they deserve forgiveness. That usually takes months if not years. You saying that you already forgive them is you just trying to rug sweep and deny your true emotions. Your have a long ways to go before you will reach true forgiveness and forgiveness doesn't mean you have to maintain your relationships with them. I forgive my exes for their transgressions against me but I will never be with them again.

 

Have you confronted them yet with what you know? If so what were their reactions?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
sweetpotatofries

Hi love,

 

I'm new to this website (having friendship problems of my own) but I'm hoping to help others in anyway I can. Your story broke my heart. I personally have a boyfriend of 2 years and a close female friend we're both friends with, and she's very attractive, so sometimes the thought of anything ever happening between them can scare me, although I trust them.

 

What happened here, was your boyfriend and best friend (if they still deserve those titles from you) took advantage of your trust. They acted VERY selfishly, knowing very well that these acts not only disrespect you but would emotionally hurt you deeply.

 

Even if they apologize and show remorse, can you ever really trust them again? What if this happened again behind your back?

 

I think the best thing (even though it would take a lot of strength and pain) would be to cut them out of your life. The secretiveness, cheating on you (basically) -- those are very big red flags. Those are dangerous traits in people. It may take some time, but you will be better off without them. In the end, losing you, as the good girlfriend and friend you were, will be eye-opening to them and they'll regret it once they mature up a bit. And by that time, you will have met other people more deserving of your time and loving.

 

Hope I helped! Feel free to discuss it more with me, I'm happy to listen.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I know I should cut them out but I can't... It's impossible!

 

I think i will break up with him, you're all right I cannot trust him..

 

However my best friend? It's been 5 years and she cried and cried and is so sorry, she said she wanted to tell me but didn't know how.. I know they physically do anything but yes i just feel so hurt and betrayed!

 

My life isn't very stable at home and without them i have no one to hold on to, and no one i can trust - which is why i don't know how to react! Because at the end of the day without them there is NO one.. And changing formal tables, throwing out our things, giving back borrowed clothing and especially seeing them everyday at school is going to be impossible!

 

I've grown up in Christianity which has given me the power to forgive, and this makes me vulnerable to people hurting and using me over again :( But I can't lose my best friend.. even if her actions aren't how a best friend should act, I know she would never hurt me again.

 

He is a different story, I think i will break it off... But hopefully he can remain my friend, he's been there for me through every horrible event in my life - hospitals, family issues - and all of those things... So i am still so lost :"(

Link to post
Share on other sites

There will be people who can support you at your church or at your school if you ask for help there.

DO NOT rely on people who cannot be relied on, because you feel you have no-one else.

They are NOT your friends.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I know I should cut them out but I can't... It's impossible!

 

I think i will break up with him, you're all right I cannot trust him..

 

However my best friend? It's been 5 years and she cried and cried and is so sorry, she said she wanted to tell me but didn't know how.. I know they physically do anything but yes i just feel so hurt and betrayed!

 

My life isn't very stable at home and without them i have no one to hold on to, and no one i can trust - which is why i don't know how to react! Because at the end of the day without them there is NO one.. And changing formal tables, throwing out our things, giving back borrowed clothing and especially seeing them everyday at school is going to be impossible!

 

I've grown up in Christianity which has given me the power to forgive, and this makes me vulnerable to people hurting and using me over again :( But I can't lose my best friend.. even if her actions aren't how a best friend should act, I know she would never hurt me again.

 

He is a different story, I think i will break it off... But hopefully he can remain my friend, he's been there for me through every horrible event in my life - hospitals, family issues - and all of those things... So i am still so lost :"(

With friends like that you don't need enemies. Your friend has showed you that she doesn't care about the friendship as you do, she cares more about her libido.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know I should cut them out but I can't... It's impossible!

 

I think i will break up with him, you're all right I cannot trust him..

 

However my best friend? It's been 5 years and she cried and cried and is so sorry, she said she wanted to tell me but didn't know how.. I know they physically do anything but yes i just feel so hurt and betrayed!

 

My life isn't very stable at home and without them i have no one to hold on to, and no one i can trust - which is why i don't know how to react! Because at the end of the day without them there is NO one.. And changing formal tables, throwing out our things, giving back borrowed clothing and especially seeing them everyday at school is going to be impossible!

 

I've grown up in Christianity which has given me the power to forgive, and this makes me vulnerable to people hurting and using me over again :( But I can't lose my best friend.. even if her actions aren't how a best friend should act, I know she would never hurt me again.

 

He is a different story, I think i will break it off... But hopefully he can remain my friend, he's been there for me through every horrible event in my life - hospitals, family issues - and all of those things... So i am still so lost :"(

 

Without them you have nobody you can trust? Are you listening to yourself? WITH THEM you have nobody you can trust. They are untrustworthy backstabbers.

 

 

I was also raised in a Christian home and taught forgiveness, yet I still stand by what I said. Forgiveness is a process, not something that happens overnight. Forgiveness doesn't mean stuffing your own feelings or letting people walk all over you. I've forgiven many people, meaning I hold no anger in my heart or ill will towards them, but I'm not interested in giving them another chance to betray me. If you have nobody else besides these two betrayers then let that be your wake up call that it's time to go outside in the world and meet better people.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't lose the two most important people in my life, but i can't just let them hurt me like that... What do I do?!

 

You remove them from being the two most important people in your life to somewhere around....who are you again?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Think of it like this:

 

What you do today, you'll thank yourself for in the future.

 

What I mean is, I know right now, it seems impossible to cut ties with both of them at the same time. But it's not impossible, and it won't feel so horrible all the time. There'll come a day when you'll look back on it, and say, "You know what? I'm glad I got rid of those two when I did."

 

As Anika rightly said, forgiveness is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. I would add that forgiveness is not necessarily the same thing as allowing the person a place in your life again. IMO, people earn their places in our lives, and if they do something like this, they lose all claim over it.

 

Do you honestly think she's sorry or do you think she's just sorry you found out? Does it matter? If she had a thought about you, she wouldn't have done it. Whether you keep her in your life or not, she's not a friend to you. Friends can be trusted, friends are loyal, she is not.

 

We teach others how to treat us. If you accept their apologies and allow them into your life, you allow them to continue to treat you as they have. "They wished they'd done more-" does that sound like people consumed with remorse? It sounds like two selfish people only thinking of themselves.

 

Get the borrowed clothes, all belongings you have of theirs, etc, and stuff them into a bag and hand them to them or a go-between. Let that be that. Don't throw good money away with bad. You know what they are now-it's up to you what you do with that information.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, you can lose the two most important people in your life if they're such lying deceitful backstabbers that they'll do this to you. I've done it myself and may have to do it again shortly. If they don't respect you any more than that, they aren't good friends and do not know what love is. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to trust anyone once your best friend does it to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...