Sick and tired of excuses

[Mooncloud]

This is about my closest friend who I've known since we were at college together over 10 years ago. I consider her closer than family in a lot of ways and I care about her very deeply, however I've long struggled with the fact that she is a massive flake - in the past I'd often get upset that she never seemed to put as much effort into our friendship as I did, and she would always retaliate with anger. It's 'never her fault' - she is extremely stubborn and quick to jump to the offence if anyone challenges her so I tend not to bring it up anymore and accept it for what it is.

 

We're both in our late twenties and have lived in different cities for the last several years, as I moved away to look for work opportunities whilst she stayed at home with her parents. In all that time she's kept the same steady salaried job whilst I've gone between jobs and had many gaps where I was living on little to no income, yet despite this I can count the number of times she has visited me on one hand, and I have always been the one trying to scrape together the money to visit for a weekend, or arrange to do something whenever possible. Even if it's meeting somewhere nearby for a coffee and a catch-up, more often than not she will come up with some other excuse to flake out last minute until I simply have to resort to turning up at her doorstep, with no effort on her part, just to see her at all.

 

Countless, countless times I have heard her phone ring through to voicemail when she says she's free, heard her say she'll call me back and not hear from her again for days, yet she spends every second I see her completely glued to her phone.

 

Countless times I've heard the excuse: 'I can't do anything, I'm too skint at the moment', yet I have never been able to figure out where all her money goes. Quite honestly, she lives at home with her parents and pays little housekeeping if at all, her mum cooks all her meals, she doesn't drive, has no kids or other major commitments - she always seems to be buying clothes, shoes and make-up then constantly loaning money from her family and bemoaning how much she owes back. She has a credit card which I've witnessed her using numerous times and although it's not my business, I honestly worry how she manages it.

 

Late last year she told me she'd got involved with a boy much younger than herself, let's call him C, who is a friend of her family. He's barely 18 and they have kept it hidden from everyone else which has caused endless drama, yet of course she totally sets herself up for it. He is immature and untrustworthy, and treats her like crap - whenever I speak to her she always seems to be crying over him or in the middle of a huge fight or declaring she's done with him, but the next minute she's inviting him over to her house or arranging to spend time with him again. She often asks for my advice and I tell her honestly I think he's no good for her and she agrees but then never seems to take any of it in.

 

Shortly after this all began, she again came to me and confided that she'd been going to the doctor for depression. Now I'm very familiar with this as I've suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, and was diagnosed in my early twenties. My friend was there for me through it all so I felt now was my turn to step up and give her all the support I possibly can. Fortunately by this point in life I've managed to find a long-term job that gives me the freedom to splash out a bit without worrying, so I've taken the opportunity to travel more and be physically there for her whenever she needs me, and seeing how stressed she is at home, try to arrange weekends away or holidays with our close mutual friend. She always talks about how much she wants to get away and spend time with just us, and I've tried multiple times since Christmas to arrange a countryside holiday for the three of us after we all agreed I would research and book it all. Just when we agreed on somewhere to stay she suddenly gave me the age-old 'I'm skint until payday' excuse so I said we'd postpone it. Next time I brought it up she had plans to go away to the beach with C for 3 days, then she was invited to Spain with other friends so she decided on a whim to go.

 

Our other friend's birthday then came up so we decided to settle for a small get-together for the occasion, and think about a 'big' holiday later - she was skint again so I paid for us both to stay in the hotel suite and have dinner and cocktails, and she barely even looked up from her phone texting C the entire time.

 

Several weeks later I was visiting her in her nearby city and on my way she messaged saying she couldn't leave her house to come and meet me. I travelled all the way out to her village and found her in her room surrounded by broken glass because she had another fight with C and smashed her mirror in a fit of rage. While we were talking she was non-stop texting yet again and then asked if I minded someone else coming over; a friend of C's who is also the same age. He ended up staying the night and in the morning I walked in on her half-naked in bed all over him. She acted like everything was totally normal and he hung around until we went back to the city together to get breakfast. She broke down and I told her I was worried that she would get herself hurt, and she agreed she needed to sort things out. The next week I called her to check how she was doing and she told me she'd arranged to go camping with a few people including C, and C's friend - I know for a fact she hates camping and told her so, and she agreed with me but did it anyway. After the trip she called me and told me the whole thing had been a disaster and she wished she'd never gone.

 

Her newest thing lately seems to be getting dates with her friends and family 'mixed up' and then suddenly realising last minute and so pulling out of plans. My birthday is coming up next weekend and over a month ago I put the idea out there to her and our mutual friend that I was thinking of organising a lunch in London - she loved the idea and had also seen a local gig on the same night, so she suggested the three of us go in the evening after lunch and then stay in a hotel. I already knew she would probably wait until the last minute to say she couldn't afford it after all, but she assured me she was free that weekend and would keep it open so I began researching and arranging everything. The three of us use a shared calendar app and earlier this week I noticed she had added a new event exactly on that weekend.

 

She didn't show up on our group chat for a couple of days after that and then yesterday she called me to say hi, not mentioning anything about it. I casually brought up the topic asking if she was still available and she blew me off with some excuse about how her friend had invited her to Brighton but she'd got the dates mixed up so she'd 'have to check but will let me know'.

 

I'm honestly at tipping point with all of this, I'm so fed up and upset right now - I'm tempted to drop the ball in her court and wait to see if she actually does anything, or if without my effort I will simply stop hearing from her. I've tried so hard to be a good, supportive friend for so many years and I'm tired of hitting my head against this brick wall.

[stillafool]

I'm honestly at tipping point with all of this, I'm so fed up and upset right now - I'm tempted to drop the ball in her court and wait to see if she actually does anything, or if without my effort I will simply stop hearing from her. I've tried so hard to be a good, supportive friend for so many years and I'm tired of hitting my head against this brick wall.

 

This is exactly what you should do! She obviously doesn't value time with you so why do you continue to chase her? Her bf is always going to take priority over her friends and unfortunately that is just the way it is when a friend enters a relationship. Yes her bf treats her badly but she still loves and wants to be with him. I would suggest you leave her alone and just hang out with your other friends. She will contact you when she's ready. Do you have a boyfriend to hang out with?

[Mooncloud]

Yes, I've already decided to make plans with other friends instead since I'm not expecting to hear anything from her about it. In the past I've left her alone for periods of time after she repeatedly flakes on me but as our mutual friend is in much the same position as me and will often send us Facebook comments suggesting events, it leads to them trying to discussing plans and inevitably getting me involved and then everything failing again.

 

I've been torn for a long time between wondering whether she does in fact value my time at all as important as she is to me. And as angry as I get I can't really imagine my life without her being a part of it. It's so hard.

[privategal]

I always thought friendships last forever but after going through a friendship breakup I read alot on the web and it does sound like its very common that people change And friendships fade and end.

Seems as though she has been this way for years but you keep hoping it will be different like your just magically expecting her to wake up and change.

She is a flake, will always be so.

If I had a friend like you Id be SO happy and appreciative and invest so much back.

But not every one values people that way.

Id likely let this friendship fade all together. Sounds like you care very much but you dont owe her to be there or to be shelling out all this money to travel when she hardly seems interested in YOUR life.

I think you need to re-evaluate what friendship really is and admit this one is extremely one sided in too many ways.

Couldnt you invest this time and effort into building a few friendships closer to home?

I know I moved to a new city and am SO lonely without friends. Id love if someone invited me to coffee or an event. Theres others like me too but why do we always chase the ones who dont want us?

[preraph]

Her actual issue may just be depression. She may not want to do anything.