Why is it that my friend won't forgive me over this small thing?

[Rosielar]

About four weeks ago me and my friend spontaneously made plans without involving our third friend, it was the first time. We told her to come join us in the last minute and she lashed out! She claims to be hurt because we left her out and said it felt like a backstab. We told her she's overreacting way too much but she ended up stop talking to us. I let it cool off for a week before checking upon her, she was very arrogant. I told her to join us for dinner but she said no. I said I wanted to talk about it and she wanted to but "had to get back to me later." So I wait a whole day being worried until I told her I'm done because she doesn't seem interested. She was like "if you feel that way then I can't do anything about it but it was obvious that I expected you to come and apologize." I said I was truly sorry for hurting her blah blah but she didn't even bother to reply.. That was three weeks ago. Me and my friend have tried to come see us but she always have stuff to do. We're just trying to solve this like she said she wanted to and we want to as well. I've known her for fifteen years so this is very stressful for me and it makes me sad. What the hell happened? Last summer she told our friend that I'm a douche (I don't know why because she never talked to me) and that she has no use of me anymore and don't plan on seeing me. She avoided me at all cost while I tried to be her friend until I cut her off. Then she came back and we made peace and now we're here again.. I don't know what to do! I do have other friends and I have no problem making new ones but she's literally my sister, I can't just let her go that quick..

[privategal]

Sit down with her eye to eye and have the conversation.

If someone is truly that close to you then they should give you grace and respect and acceptance as a friend.

Sometimes love, loyalty, longevity are not enough.

She sounds frankly toxic.

If you'd been apologizing and wanted to try and smooth things over, and she truly was an amazing good friend...shed have already forgotten these petty arguments and silly infractions.

As much as its very sweet to try and hold onto a longstanding friendship, sometimes it isnt healthy if longterm the friendship is no longer serving you or making you happy.

Friendship is supposed to be fun and make you feel safe that someone has your back and is in your corner no matter what.

If you are on eggshells constantly and always putting out fires, it might be time to re-evaluate.

I understand you care for her, but sometimes the best way to love and care for a friend is to let them go.

Before you do, sit her down, be brave, address the behavior and your concerns with her. Do not mince words, of course be gentle and polite, but let her know this isnt how friends behave, tell her how you feel.

Observe the friendship after this talk. See if it helps to have cleared the air...if not...Id say its time to treasure the memories you did have but cut it out of your future and focus on your healthier friendships.

[Rosielar]

Thanks! That's some good advice. I have tried getting to meet up with her in order to talk but she's always busy with something else. I'm not getting anything here..

[privategal]

Thanks! That's some good advice. I have tried getting to meet up with her in order to talk but she's always busy with something else. I'm not getting anything here..

 

Then why do you think this friendship is so special and one worth hanging on to?

I ask this because sure, friends get busy, but shouldnt they want to see you and get together? Or even if not...if there is an issue...and they are a great friend, shouldn't they pick up the phone and talk it out or make time?

I think because you care about her you are overlooking some 'flaws'. She seems very cold and detached and maybe its time to cut your losses even though that hurts.

[privategal]

I guess I should share too...I just had a breakup with a friend of 15 years.

There were many ups and downs over the years and it hurt so much to have to walk away but in the end it was unhealthy and toxic and the bad started to outweigh the good.

It will always hurt to have the void of this friendship but it can happen at 10, 15, 30 years that sometimes our lives, values, dispositions dont align the same as the past and it becomes a burden to constantly be fixing things and you gotta let go even when sometimes you still care and wish it were better.

Life is too short to have so much stress with one friend. Id let go and wish her well and cease all contact for your peace of mind.

She said "theres nothing I can do about that..." um...yes there is. If she cared, she would call or meet up.

She didnt seem to bothered you would walk.

[salparadise]

About four weeks ago me and my friend spontaneously made plans without involving our third friend, it was the first time. We told her to come join us in the last minute and she lashed out!

 

I said I wanted to talk about it and she wanted to but "had to get back to me later." So I wait a whole day being worried until I told her I'm done because she doesn't seem interested. She was like "if you feel that way then I can't do anything about it but it was obvious that I expected you to come and apologize."

 

I said I was truly sorry for hurting her blah blah but she didn't even bother to reply..

 

 

It sounds like she has boundary issues and unrealistic expectations.

 

The underlying issue is that she is possessive and feels that you and the other friend should not be at liberty to have an independent friendship. Is that correct?

 

If so, then it's probably going to be too much of a burden for you to maintain the friendship unless she make adjustments. She's unlikely to see it any differently because she's pretty sure that her perspective is the only correct one.

 

You don't owe her an apology for making plans with the other friend. It's understandable that she may have felt left out, but a rational person would say to themselves, this is not anything I need to take personally. It doesn't change my relationship with either of the other two.

 

If you apologize then you're basically conceding to wrongdoing and saying... you're right and from now on we will adhere to your rules in order to keep you happy and maintain equilibrium. Pffft. Tell her she needs to reset her boundaries, lose the expectations, and equilibrate. Then you can be friends again without a bunch of crazy rules.

[privategal]

It sounds like she has boundary issues and unrealistic expectations.

 

The underlying issue is that she is possessive and feels that you and the other friend should not be at liberty to have an independent friendship. Is that correct?

 

If so, then it's probably going to be too much of a burden for you to maintain the friendship unless she make adjustments. She's unlikely to see it any differently because she's pretty sure that her perspective is the only correct one.

 

You don't owe her an apology for making plans with the other friend. It's understandable that she may have felt left out, but a rational person would say to themselves, this is not anything I need to take personally. It doesn't change my relationship with either of the other two.

 

If you apologize then you're basically conceding to wrongdoing and saying... you're right and from now on we will adhere to your rules in order to keep you happy and maintain equilibrium. Pffft. Tell her she needs to reset her boundaries, lose the expectations, and equilibrate. Then you can be friends again without a bunch of crazy rules.

 

Well said...the advice is perfect.

[GorillaTheater]

Last summer she told our friend that I'm a douche (I don't know why because she never talked to me) and that she has no use of me anymore and don't plan on seeing me. She avoided me at all cost while I tried to be her friend until I cut her off.

 

 

It honestly doesn't sound like you're losing much of a friend.

[Rosielar]

Then why do you think this friendship is so special and one worth hanging on to?

I ask this because sure, friends get busy, but shouldnt they want to see you and get together? Or even if not...if there is an issue...and they are a great friend, shouldn't they pick up the phone and talk it out or make time?

I think because you care about her you are overlooking some 'flaws'. She seems very cold and detached and maybe its time to cut your losses even though that hurts.

 

Because I've known her since I was five, she's basically family. This behavior started last summer but then we made peace. It's been great really, I forgave but kept it in mind. Then she slowly started acting different towards me again but the god has outweighed the bad always. This incident just made her turn completely unexpected, I have a hard time understanding it. I guess I am overlooking her flaws because we have too much memories together and I love my friends. I'm a too nice person sometimes. I don't know what to do.

[Rosielar]

I guess I should share too...I just had a breakup with a friend of 15 years.

There were many ups and downs over the years and it hurt so much to have to walk away but in the end it was unhealthy and toxic and the bad started to outweigh the good.

It will always hurt to have the void of this friendship but it can happen at 10, 15, 30 years that sometimes our lives, values, dispositions dont align the same as the past and it becomes a burden to constantly be fixing things and you gotta let go even when sometimes you still care and wish it were better.

Life is too short to have so much stress with one friend. Id let go and wish her well and cease all contact for your peace of mind.

She said "theres nothing I can do about that..." um...yes there is. If she cared, she would call or meet up.

She didnt seem to bothered you would walk.

 

Thing is that last summer when everything started out of the blue, she claimed me of being toxic. I was a bit of a drama queen back then and I was doing very well in every part of my life so it got over my head but I was never mean towards her. I was never ever toxic. I feel guilty because I feel like everything is my fault from the start but she never talks to me about anything, she just avoid confrontation like now. Our friends have to tell me what she says and wants.

And yeah, she seemed completely careless about the fact that I could walk away, that got me thinking.

[Rosielar]

It sounds like she has boundary issues and unrealistic expectations.

 

The underlying issue is that she is possessive and feels that you and the other friend should not be at liberty to have an independent friendship. Is that correct?

 

If so, then it's probably going to be too much of a burden for you to maintain the friendship unless she make adjustments. She's unlikely to see it any differently because she's pretty sure that her perspective is the only correct one.

 

You don't owe her an apology for making plans with the other friend. It's understandable that she may have felt left out, but a rational person would say to themselves, this is not anything I need to take personally. It doesn't change my relationship with either of the other two.

 

If you apologize then you're basically conceding to wrongdoing and saying... you're right and from now on we will adhere to your rules in order to keep you happy and maintain equilibrium. Pffft. Tell her she needs to reset her boundaries, lose the expectations, and equilibrate. Then you can be friends again without a bunch of crazy rules.

 

She might be possessive indeed. I'm not allowed to get too close to one of our mutual friends and she has definitely "taken" her from me. We used to be really close friends but not anymore. So I got close to our other mutual friend whom I made plans with like I mentioned (since I always feel left out) and she lashed out. It's like I'm not allowed to have friends? I fully agree with you although I have a hard time standing up for myself. I apologized because I just want us to be friends but I do feel like she is playing the victim by saying she was hurt. It's a tough decision to figure out wherever to cut her off or not.

[preraph]

It sounds like this isn't the first incident when she's been mad at you or felt you were inconsiderate, so that would be why. Sounds like she's fed up.

[salparadise]

I fully agree with you although I have a hard time standing up for myself. I apologized because I just want us to be friends but I do feel like she is playing the victim by saying she was hurt. It's a tough decision to figure out wherever to cut her off or not.

 

 

I don't think you need to make such a decision. You can nurture the other two friendships individually, without her permission, and let the chips fall where they may. She is trying to dictate the terms, so break her rules and let her either go away or shuffle back with hat in hand.

 

My guess is that she will be too disruptive and too demanding to tolerate, and that these three-way friendships will not work any longer. But you certainly can maintain individual friendships, and even be friends with her if she can manage to not be so controlling and butt hurt. But I don't know her- only what you've said. I think you (and the other friends) should just do what you want to do and give her the same consideration you give the other seven billion people on the planet... and let her either fall in line or go away acting like butt hurt child

[Rosielar]

It sounds like this isn't the first incident when she's been mad at you or felt you were inconsiderate, so that would be why. Sounds like she's fed up.

 

But I haven't done anything wrong this time. I made plans with our friend without involving her, once. I'm allowed to see whoever I want to see without her permission.

[Rosielar]

Just want to point out that she wrote to our friend who I saw that she was the one to welcome her into our group friends. She introduced her to us. She's been inviting her to hang out with us but then she stabs her in the back (by seeing me) and "I never thought you would do this towards me but know I know." Then she goes on saying she was hurt. Makes no sense.

[privategal]

I think you should live for yourself and stop being a people pleaser.

You cant please everyone.

If your intentions were good and a friend got hurt, sorry.

You said sorry so the ball is in her court.

I wouldnt want her friendship, friends dont control and dictate and constantly get annoyed.

But, its your choice, you care for her, you clearly are willing to put up with her behavior so it sounds like you dont need much advice, just keep on keeping on and put up with the cold shoulder and tantrums when you dont fall into her friendship standards and guidelines.

Ugh. Might as well be dating her if she's got you that whipped.

You kinda sound like a pushover to be honest.

Its not a friends business WHAT you do outside your friendship with them.

You arent her employer, husband or boyfriend so even though you care for her you still dont need to be owned by her.

I still dont think the friendship is healthy even IF you've known her since you were 5. You've changed alot since 5 years old.

She has too.

You can still let a friendship that youve outgrown go with respect.

You dont owe someone friendship just because you've known them a long time.

It doesnt even sound fun to be her friend yuck.

[Rosielar]

I think you should live for yourself and stop being a people pleaser.

You cant please everyone.

If your intentions were good and a friend got hurt, sorry.

You said sorry so the ball is in her court.

I wouldnt want her friendship, friends dont control and dictate and constantly get annoyed.

But, its your choice, you care for her, you clearly are willing to put up with her behavior so it sounds like you dont need much advice, just keep on keeping on and put up with the cold shoulder and tantrums when you dont fall into her friendship standards and guidelines.

Ugh. Might as well be dating her if she's got you that whipped.

You kinda sound like a pushover to be honest.

Its not a friends business WHAT you do outside your friendship with them.

You arent her employer, husband or boyfriend so even though you care for her you still dont need to be owned by her.

I still dont think the friendship is healthy even IF you've known her since you were 5. You've changed alot since 5 years old.

She has too.

You can still let a friendship that youve outgrown go with respect.

You dont owe someone friendship just because you've known them a long time.

It doesnt even sound fun to be her friend yuck.

 

You have a very valid point. Much appreciated. I'm scared of being lonely.

[privategal]

You have a very valid point. Much appreciated. I'm scared of being lonely.

Ive been in a toxic friendship though and the feeling of being lonely far outweighs the feeling of being hurt inside of a friendship which is its own form of lonliness.

Maybe if you stop putting so much energy into her you can get involved in a club, sport team, or volunteer group and meet new people and expand your circle of friends.

You dont need a lot of friends, just one or two solid ones so take your time, respect and believe in yourself and find some more over time.

You might want to focus more on your job too in which case some of the guys like to go to happy hour or sporting events sometimes socially. Look for opportunities there to make friends too.

Now I can kinda see your holding on to a friendship where you arent being treated as well just to not have one less friend as you feel you need her.

You dont.

You do not have to cut her out 100% (though I would) but Id not call or give any more energy or texts as it hasnt paid off.

Put your energy into you now and making life fun and light and growing!

[anika99]

Just want to point out that she wrote to our friend who I saw that she was the one to welcome her into our group friends. She introduced her to us. She's been inviting her to hang out with us but then she stabs her in the back (by seeing me) and "I never thought you would do this towards me but know I know." Then she goes on saying she was hurt. Makes no sense.

 

She sounds very childish and controlling. Apparently nobody in her circle are allowed to be friends with each other, they can only be friends with her and if she's not at the centre of every friendship she calls it "stabbing her in the back". You don't owe her anything. You tried to talk to her, to invite her out and make her feel part of the group and she is not accepting it because she would rather act like a spoiled brat. She has some serious growing up to do and maybe after she has lost a few friends she will re-evaluate how she treats peoples.

[Rosielar]

Ive been in a toxic friendship though and the feeling of being lonely far outweighs the feeling of being hurt inside of a friendship which is its own form of lonliness.

Maybe if you stop putting so much energy into her you can get involved in a club, sport team, or volunteer group and meet new people and expand your circle of friends.

You dont need a lot of friends, just one or two solid ones so take your time, respect and believe in yourself and find some more over time.

You might want to focus more on your job too in which case some of the guys like to go to happy hour or sporting events sometimes socially. Look for opportunities there to make friends too.

Now I can kinda see your holding on to a friendship where you arent being treated as well just to not have one less friend as you feel you need her.

You dont.

You do not have to cut her out 100% (though I would) but Id not call or give any more energy or texts as it hasnt paid off.

Put your energy into you now and making life fun and light and growing!

 

That's very helpful. Thank you for sharing your advice. I'm gonna give myself time and respect as I'm gonna make new friends (which I currently am due to my work) and I decided to cut her off completely.

This morning my friend had talked to her and she said she wanted to be friends with her but don't want to see me, she's not mad at me, she needs a break from me for her own good. My friend told her to tell me because I should know, she told her to at least talk to me but she pretends like she doesn't understand what she means. The she didn't even bother to reply anymore. I am very very hurt.. I have the right to know. She can't even tell me she just lets me figure it out on my own. Need a break from me for her own good?? I haven't done anything bad?? If I have, well I have tried talking to her to make everything right but yeah, she's not bothered to talk. I don't know what's going on if she won't tell me. Everything was fine before this incident I wrote about happened and suddenly she needs a break? I am done. This is not how you treat friends and I won't allow myself to be put through such misery because it makes me depressed.

[Rosielar]

She is making me feel like a worthless unloved friend who don't deserve friendship.

[privategal]

Trust me you lost nothing here...she lost you. It does hurt very badly to be cut off by a friend you cared for SO MUCH but on the other hand sometimes it is better and for your own good.

It will take time for some of the hurt to go away.

Do not have ANY contact...block her and heal. If necessary close your facebook for awhile.

Your going to come out ok.

I went through this and the pain was very deep. I went dark and did not associate with any mutual friends and stopped all emails, calls, texts. It helped so much to just face the pain and admit I couldnt fix a friend who decided they no longer wanted me around. I got better but it took time. I am glad now that its over. I will pray for you, this isnt your fault.