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Is my friend being rude?


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MargoJones

Here's my issue: One of my closest friends lives out of town and when I come to town to visit friends in that city he will not schedule anything with me beforehand, he says "just call me when you get into town and we'll plan something then." This usually results in me bending over backwards to accommodate his schedule and too often we can't plan anything and I leave feeling sad and not at all a priority to him. I'm female and this friend is a gay man, not sure if that matters, but I thought I'd throw it in.

 

Aside from this issue he's a good friend, that's why this bothers me so much. He kinda treats all of his friends rudely, in my opinion, so I don't take it personally and I try to make allowances for his quirks, but this issue really pisses me off. I've talked to him about how hurtful this is to me and he basically said if I don't like it, I don't have to be his friend.

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend who treated me like crap and I'm kind of sensitive to being treated like crap at the moment and I said I probably won't call him this trip because his position on this topic makes me sad and I want to protect my feelings. I'm staying at one of his best friend's houses, and he has a habit of "just dropping by" there all the time. I sent him an email saying I'd rather not run into him at all on this trip because his refusal to make plans with me ahead of time is hurtful, and I asked him to call this friend beforehand and not show up if he knows I'm going to be there. I made sure to tell him that I accept his conditions, and I love him, but I'm trying to protect my feelings ahead of time and I hope we can continue to email each other and talk on the phone without this affecting our friendship. I'm worried I might be overreacting or being unreasonable. Any feedback on any of these points would be deeply appreciated. Thank you.

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privategal

I really do not like commiting or planning. Id MUCH rather a call or text thst says hey...Im heading to the pub in an hour, meet me there.

I have anxiety and a busy life and sometines nailing me down is tough...the anxiety makes me almost worry about and dread the plans.

Either way if he is always like that...then you cant expect someone to change for you...except him for who he is or drop him.

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You are a planner and he is a "see which way the wind blows".

 

I fluctuate on both sides, so I do understand the dynamics here.

 

You each have a great opportunity to ease up or learn from one another.

 

The hostess part of my discipline says to have a few things that they like in order when they arrive in town. This makes it "personal" and shows that I am accommodating. The other part of that is that I like to recommend to them a few choices in events, meals, or projects.

 

Sometimes though I find it exhilarating to arrive with no plans set and simply be impromptu in things to do .....

 

If you sense though that he is "indifferent", then suggest that you have a talk on how to improve this attitude .

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