emerald86 Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I'm naturally quiet, and have been almost painfully shy my entire life. But I've had a solid group of friends ever since high school who have always accepted me. Sure, they would make comments such as "you're so quiet" or "why don't you ever talk?" But they always invited me to their events. Yet, there has always been a part of me that felt like I didn't belong to the group. And as of recently, that is becoming more and more evident. I tend to have lots of fun in a situation where all of us males and females get together and hang out. But when it's just me with the girls, I feel so left out and unwanted. That has never been more apparent than when all of us went on vacation one weekend ago for a friend's birthday. My girl friends are all loud, crazy, hyper and friendly to the point where strangers in public not only notice them--but become instant friends with them. In contrast, I'm the exact opposite. For this past vacation, I stayed quiet a vast majority of the time feeling awkward, out of place, and like I had nothing valuable to contribute to the conversation. I felt like all my jokes were lame compared to theirs. This quietness in turn led my friends to sort of ostracize me. For example, when taking group pictures they would specifically ask me to take the picture, possibly because they didn't want me to be in it. It got to the point where I would subtly disappear to the bathroom and just cry--due to self-loathing. I wondered why I couldn't be so naturally crazy and friendly like my friends. Why did I have to be so calm and boring while they all had energy and personality? What's ironic is that just a few weeks prior, my friends planned an elaborate birthday surprise for me. They baked a cake and gave me a card with the sweetest message. At first, I wondered why they would do this for someone as boring as me, someone who so obviously doesn't fit in with the group. But I also know that my girl friends sometimes come to me for help and advice, because they consider me a good listener. It could've been their way of thanking me, I'm not sure. This is a conflicting situation. My friends have done nice things for me, but the vacation this past weekend made me realize that I was very much unwanted there. I didn't want to be quiet--I wanted so badly for my personality to fit in with their loud and crazy ones, but it was too difficult. I think pretty extensively before I speak, whereas this is a group that is always talking, and always speaking their mind. I never thought that being quiet and introverted was a bad thing (I'm aware that both introversion and extroversion have many positive things about them), but since I'm such an oddball in a group of naturally loud personalities, I'm starting to wonder if I will ever fit in with them? It's strange that I can carry on conversations with strangers and coworkers just fine, but I feel all kinds of self-hatred when I'm with my closest friends. Is there any thing I can do about this? And how is it that some people just seem to click so well with anyone and everyone they meet? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 This is your own personal issue and how you feel about yourself. It has nothing to do with them and how they truly feel about you - If they didn't care, if they didn't want you hanging around with them they wouldn't ask you to join them! It's that simple. THESE women are you friends for life, and just because you're quieter and not a big party going gal doesn't mean you should feel bad and question their sincerity and their friendship with you. Always be true to yourself, don't change for anybody. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I felt like all my jokes were lame compared to theirs. This quietness in turn led my friends to sort of ostracize me. For example, when taking group pictures they would specifically ask me to take the picture, possibly because they didn't want me to be in it. It got to the point where I would subtly disappear to the bathroom and just cry--due to self-loathing. I wondered why I couldn't be so naturally crazy and friendly like my friends. Why did I have to be so calm and boring while they all had energy and personality? They took your quietness and wanted to make you feel at ease by asking you to take pictures since and partake in their fun but from behind the camera. They know you're introverted and asking someone who is shy to take pictures is actually a good thing! You are part of the group but able to use the camera a bit as a shield to hide your shyness. Need to work at self acceptance and learn to love yourself for who you are and NOT care what others think overall. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emerald86 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 They took your quietness and wanted to make you feel at ease by asking you to take pictures since and partake in their fun but from behind the camera. They know you're introverted and asking someone who is shy to take pictures is actually a good thing! You are part of the group but able to use the camera a bit as a shield to hide your shyness. Need to work at self acceptance and learn to love yourself for who you are and NOT care what others think overall. I see what you're saying, and yes I think you're right. My friends have lots of great qualities. But it's difficult when I'm so obviously different from them. Regardless, you are right--I do need to work on changing my attitude! Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 We're all different. If friendship was based on people being the same, then none of us would have a friend. Almost all groups of friends have introverts, extroverts and people who differ in many other ways. Your friends constantly invite you and include you in their events. We don't usually go on vacations with people we don't like. We don't throw surprise birthday parties for people we don't like. We do for our friends though. These folks have shown you true friendship. The self-loathing you mentioned and negativity in general is leading to self-sabotaging behavior. That's the problem. Not your introversion. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. I'm an introvert and I'm a wonderful person and a great friend. Ask any of my friends. Seriously, though. Your individuality is obviously valued and appreciated by your friends. They've extended friendship to you just as you are. Accept it and return their friendship. So many people in this world don't have a friend. Not one. Nobody invites them anywhere. Goes anywhere with them. Throws a party for them. Nothing. And you're being negative and "self-loathing" because you're not wild and crazy. Come on. It's time to grow up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emerald86 Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 We're all different. If friendship was based on people being the same, then none of us would have a friend. Almost all groups of friends have introverts, extroverts and people who differ in many other ways. Your friends constantly invite you and include you in their events. We don't usually go on vacations with people we don't like. We don't throw surprise birthday parties for people we don't like. We do for our friends though. These folks have shown you true friendship. The self-loathing you mentioned and negativity in general is leading to self-sabotaging behavior. That's the problem. Not your introversion. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. I'm an introvert and I'm a wonderful person and a great friend. Ask any of my friends. Seriously, though. Your individuality is obviously valued and appreciated by your friends. They've extended friendship to you just as you are. Accept it and return their friendship. So many people in this world don't have a friend. Not one. Nobody invites them anywhere. Goes anywhere with them. Throws a party for them. Nothing. And you're being negative and "self-loathing" because you're not wild and crazy. Come on. It's time to grow up. You make good points here Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 30, 2016 Share Posted May 30, 2016 I think they sound like a great group of friends. Look, I'm handed the camera every Thanksgiving at my friend's house. But see, here's where your responsibility for your own problem comes in: It's up to YOU, not them, for example, in a situation such as the photos, to be the one to then hand the camera to one of them once you've taken one photo and say, "Okay, now you take one with me in it." You're being too passive. It's not anyone else's responsibility to cover you on that stuff. I'm sure they're thinking, "If she gave a crap, she's step up and say something or do something." You're too quick to victimize yourself. You're expecting them to do more for you than you are willing to do for yourself. So when you feel overlooked, do something about it rather than get sad or feel sorry for yourself. Take action. You are very lucky to have this group of friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evagisele Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Wow! Your initial post could've been written by me! You've gotten great advice from the other posters. I just wanted to chime in and say that you're not alone in your feelings on this. I just spent my day off feeling sorry for myself after I cast myself as a victim after being "left out" of something with my friends yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emerald86 Posted June 11, 2016 Author Share Posted June 11, 2016 Wow! Your initial post could've been written by me! You've gotten great advice from the other posters. I just wanted to chime in and say that you're not alone in your feelings on this. I just spent my day off feeling sorry for myself after I cast myself as a victim after being "left out" of something with my friends yesterday. Don't despair! I just found out that my friends have left me out of quite a few things in the past actually (either intentionally or unintentionally). But I've come to realize that this sort of thing happens to almost everyone at some point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carnelian Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I am an introvert all my long life and I have paid the price for that. Because it is an extrovert world out there. It's a cliche to say be yourself, don't change but I disagree. Sometimes being yourself just does not work--it will not make you any happier in the long run. You will have friends but not as many perhaps as extraverted friends. Yet you cannot become an extrovert because it is against your inner nature. An individual cannot live against their true character--except temporarily and in some circumstances. I handle it this way. When I am with friends and acquaintances, I try to be very friendly, laugh a lot and be very talkative. As soon as I am alone I immediately return to my quiet morose self. Try that if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
KellyAnn1 Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 I think you might have to speak up and be aggressive! Let them know you want to be in the picture and included. That's the only way. I'm the same way, if it fails and they don't listen, ditch them. They were never your friends in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Always remember that just because your natural inclination is to be quiet and meek, you and only you have not only the power but the obligation to push yourself out of your comfort zone and override that at the times it seems to hold you back or make you unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Sometimes loud people get too much and we all seek the company of quieter ones. They are like a sanctuary. I like my quieter friends too, they usually say thoughtful things and they aren't annoying 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emerald86 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 I think you might have to speak up and be aggressive! Let them know you want to be in the picture and included. That's the only way. I'm the same way, if it fails and they don't listen, ditch them. They were never your friends in the first place. I'm thinking that this is it. I just found out that I had been excluded from things loads of times, and I never even knew it before. During the times that I do get to spend time with my friends I find that no matter how much I try to speak up, I am always overlooked or forgotten. It's such a horrible feeling and I think I've had enough of it. I just have to accept that maybe my friends doing nice things for me was all in the past. I feel continually upset every time I spend time with them, and I know that it doesn't have to be this way. I'm definitely going to make some kind of change, whether that means completely changing my personality, or finding new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I'm thinking that this is it. I just found out that I had been excluded from things loads of times, and I never even knew it before. During the times that I do get to spend time with my friends I find that no matter how much I try to speak up, I am always overlooked or forgotten. It's such a horrible feeling and I think I've had enough of it. I just have to accept that maybe my friends doing nice things for me was all in the past. I feel continually upset every time I spend time with them, and I know that it doesn't have to be this way. I'm definitely going to make some kind of change, whether that means completely changing my personality, or finding new friends. How old are you all? Link to post Share on other sites
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