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Would you be peeved?


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Three times, three years in a row, I invited my best friend of over thirty years to come on an (inexpensive) OS holiday with me. Three years in a row she tells me she can't possibly go because; 1. No one to care for her elderly father, 2. No one to work in her shop while she's away, 3. She can't afford it........ Then, and keep in mind that nothing has changed about her circumstances, she announces that she's going on a trip to Bali with another friend. Would you be offended?

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Yep.

 

 

So why do you keep asking? Or, why don't you ask her how she manages to get away to Bali?

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Since we're talking decades here, there may be differing interpretations of how the friendship is described. The scary version is that she likes that you consider her your best friend but you're not really her best friend, to her. This is where actions can be key and you've seen some, evidently consistently, that cause you concern.

 

What vacations has she invited you on?

 

As example, my best friend of almost 30 years now (sheesh, time flies) invited me over to their beach house for a holiday blowout this weekend and then they'll be hitting the road in their RV to meet up with me at my place in Oregon to work on the shop. Invitations and ideas flow and there's no defined transactional formula. Something comes up and we go or do or whatever. Like your vacation thing.

 

If she's still working and can't be away from the shop that means her father spends a substantial amount of time alone so bringing in help to keep him safe and cared for should be pretty easy since he's pretty independent anyway. Of course, she'll be doing that for her Bali vacation, as well as closing the shop.

 

Heh.

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Peeved, yes. But that would be the limit of my emotions.

 

I've got the same thing with my sister. All I can do is chalk it up to the fact that there's other people she'd rather spend time with. It's just the way it is, I guess. I am disappointed, but I know it's not worth getting upset over.

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Yep.

 

 

So why do you keep asking? Or, why don't you ask her how she manages to get away to Bali?

 

Well, a) I stopped asking as soon as I heard she was taking a trip with someone else, and b) I let the Bali question go because the action spoke for itself.

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Three times, three years in a row, I invited my best friend of over thirty years to come on an (inexpensive) OS holiday with me. Three years in a row she tells me she can't possibly go because; 1. No one to care for her elderly father, 2. No one to work in her shop while she's away, 3. She can't afford it........ Then, and keep in mind that nothing has changed about her circumstances, she announces that she's going on a trip to Bali with another friend. Would you be offended?

 

I think it's very understandable for you to feel hurt about this. I'm guessing that the circumstances you describe have left you feeling "is this woman really my best friend? Does she value her friendship with the Bali Holiday friend more highly than she values our friendship?" I think asking yourself questions like that is completely normal in a situation like this...but there's probably no concrete, 100% correct answer to any of those questions. Friendships aren't really things you can quantify.

 

The reasons your friend gave for not wanting/being able to go on the holidays you suggested make me wonder if perhaps your holiday suggestions didn't involve things that really meet her needs right now. You mention that your holiday ideas were inexpensive. I think inexpensive holidays are often more fun in terms of the challenge and "independent traveller rather than tourist" approach they require. However, if a person is looking for comfort (peaceful, quiet, luxury rooms) and a break from having to think about anything, they're not necessarily what the doctor ordered.

 

I'm guessing that the Bali holiday is a relaxing beach style one where your friend isn't really required to think about anything other than what cocktail she'll order next. It might be more expensive than the holidays you've wanted to go on, but her life sounds pretty damn stressful. If Bali is going to provide some much needed respite away from things like running a very busy shop and being primary carer for a sick and elderly parent, then perhaps from a "mental health" perspective she considers the Bali holiday to be something of a necessity right now rather than a luxury. So the monetary cost, the hassle of finding care for her father and the time she has to take away from her shop might all feel worth it if the net result is that she's going to return home feeling very pampered and recharged.

 

So although yes, I would almost certainly feel offended in the way that you do, I think I would also consider whether my idea of a fun trip away was likely to be the same as a friend's. This might be less a case of "who do I want to spend time with" and far more related to "how do I want and need to spend this rare opportunity to recharge?"

Edited by Taramere
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Yes. It's natural to feel peeved.

 

I would draw the conclusion that she wasn't keen on my chosen destination .... but didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me. Especially if you get on well in other parts of your friendship.

 

Or that she didn't want to spend her holiday with me.

 

Or... maybe .... just maybe she's come into money you know about.

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Could it be she is going to Bali because she doesn't have to pay for it? Like this other friend has a vacation home there and she felt like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity

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She could think she won't enjoy you for that long or enjoy traveling with you. I mean, traveling and vacation is something where both parties feel they should be able to do whatever they want to do but one seems to always try to call all the shots. There are good friends of mine I wouldn't want to be with for longer than an afternoon.

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