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Friends and favours and boundaries


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Does anyone else have skills which friends like to use?

 

Both hubby and I do. He can fix a broken PC and I can do clothing alterations. We've found that when friends ask for a favour (my PC is broken/my skirt doesn't fit) if we say "sure, bring it over and I'll have a look", we hardly see any of the jobs. It seems that the job is never so desperate that they will take time out to bring it over. If we don't do house calls, then they just live with it. However, those who do bring the thing over really value our time.

 

How do you keep your favour boundaries in check?

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I dont see the problem.

 

I think you want to make it a problem.

Solution is simple: stop make it your problem if they bring it or no.

Just if they bring it you guys help them if you have time.

If they dont, then dont even call them or text them.

 

Because if they are not interested in doing effort, then you shouldn't also.

And if its people that often do this, then address it if you are bothered that they dont call it off on time.

 

They need you guys in this, so they should do the effort.

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and i dont understand what is your issue.

but if you feel used then its cause you let them use you.

 

if you see or feel like this then stop doing this stuff for those people.

and only do things when you can or into.

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I could see with the PC where many people would be too lazy to want to unhook their PC and all that. Some people wouldn't know how to hook it back up again even. But that's not your problem. They can call a tech to the house. You're nice even to offer. If I were you, I'd be relieved when they didn't follow through because it could get out of hand.

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This is interesting. It has never occurred to me (or dunno, not for the last 10 years that I can remember) to ask a favour instead of getting it fixed by a tradesman - if I can't fix it myself. Even moving house I'd pay someone rather than expect my friends to do it though I helped my sister move house.

 

I don't think my friends fix stuff for each other either, they pay for it or get a new one or whatever, we know a couple of very good handymen that charge reasonable (we tend to use the same guys).

 

I thought this was what most people did.

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TaraMaiden2

On a slightly different note, I used to make doorstops and bookends, painting them to a particular pattern, or making them to order. I could never realistically charge what it was to produce them, working by the hour; it would have been prohibitively expensive, so I devised a price list.

 

Friends would admire them, and loved the different designs, but fully expected a discount because they were 'friends'.

 

I never made concessions for anyone, because if I did it for one person, I would have to have done it for the next. And giving discounts is a minefield; I mean, do you give the same discount for a different design?

 

So, no. I never offered discounts.

I lost a few commissions because of it, but it didn't bother me.

With 'friends' like that.....

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On a slightly different note, I used to make doorstops and bookends, painting them to a particular pattern, or making them to order. I could never realistically charge what it was to produce them, working by the hour; it would have been prohibitively expensive, so I devised a price list.

 

Friends would admire them, and loved the different designs, but fully expected a discount because they were 'friends'.

 

I never made concessions for anyone, because if I did it for one person, I would have to have done it for the next. And giving discounts is a minefield; I mean, do you give the same discount for a different design?

 

So, no. I never offered discounts.

I lost a few commissions because of it, but it didn't bother me.

With 'friends' like that.....

 

This reminds me. A friend of mine is a pro boxer and a trainer and he trained me for a while. I made it absolutely clear from the start that I would pay full rate because he needed the money much more than me and I didn't want to take a full-paying client's place or have last minute changes. I'd never expect mates' rates - perhaps unless it was some successful bar where I'd prefer to pay just above cost price of alcohol rather than the 1000% that places put on for clients. Otherwise no.

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"My friends and family rate is one-third the shop rate, a pretty good deal at 33 bucks an hour"

 

That's how I handled all the favors my exW was giving away for me, since I can fix or build most anything. This morning it happens to be installing and calibrating an icemaker on my venerable fridge, something I just charged a customer a couple hundred bucks to do. Thankfully, there's no spouse attempting to give away my services anymore. Small favors.

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losangelena
and i dont understand what is your issue.

but if you feel used then its cause you let them use you.

 

if you see or feel like this then stop doing this stuff for those people.

and only do things when you can or into.

 

Umm, I don't think basil has "an issue." I think she's describing a scenario and is asking what others do in similar situations. Clearly, she and her husband have found a method that works for them—asking their friends to bring things over. That seems to do a good job of weeding out those who really value her time.

 

Doesn't seem like there's an issue here at all.

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I seem to get asked to be wingwoman a lot. It doesn't really bother me but I do tend to push ppl toward the independence path, mainly for their own sake.

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and i dont understand what is your issue.

but if you feel used then its cause you let them use you.

 

if you see or feel like this then stop doing this stuff for those people.

and only do things when you can or into.

 

Losangelina nailed it.

 

I don't have an issue - I was explaining the steps I take to keep boundaries in check. These boundaries really work for us.

 

I'm also curious to know how other posters manage friend's expectations.

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I could see with the PC where many people would be too lazy to want to unhook their PC and all that. Some people wouldn't know how to hook it back up again even. But that's not your problem. They can call a tech to the house. You're nice even to offer. If I were you, I'd be relieved when they didn't follow through because it could get out of hand.

 

Haha, yes totally relieved. And for the record, we don't offer - they ask ;-)

 

Though I must say that some are very generous and will give us wine or dinner or exchange skills. Hubby fixes my neighbour's PC and the neighbour builds stuff for us.

 

I did have one thing that got totally out of hand for me. Someone asked me to reproduce a garment. But I couldn't do it. And the result involved a heap of ruined fabric. I now know to never agree to reproduce a garment!

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"My friends and family rate is one-third the shop rate, a pretty good deal at 33 bucks an hour"

 

That's how I handled all the favors my exW was giving away for me, since I can fix or build most anything. This morning it happens to be installing and calibrating an icemaker on my venerable fridge, something I just charged a customer a couple hundred bucks to do. Thankfully, there's no spouse attempting to give away my services anymore. Small favors.

 

Smart move just doing small favours.

 

Your 'friends and family rate' reminds me of someone's 'vagina rule': 'I only do freebies if you came from my vagina or I came from yours'

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This is interesting. It has never occurred to me (or dunno, not for the last 10 years that I can remember) to ask a favour instead of getting it fixed by a tradesman - if I can't fix it myself. Even moving house I'd pay someone rather than expect my friends to do it though I helped my sister move house.

 

I don't think my friends fix stuff for each other either, they pay for it or get a new one or whatever, we know a couple of very good handymen that charge reasonable (we tend to use the same guys).

 

I thought this was what most people did.

 

I'm the same Emilia. I'd rather hire a professional than ask a complex favour.

 

Mind you, I think that some people don't realise the work involved in their favour. What they think is a quick job can actually take a lot of time.

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On a slightly different note, I used to make doorstops and bookends, painting them to a particular pattern, or making them to order. I could never realistically charge what it was to produce them, working by the hour; it would have been prohibitively expensive, so I devised a price list.

 

Friends would admire them, and loved the different designs, but fully expected a discount because they were 'friends'.

 

I never made concessions for anyone, because if I did it for one person, I would have to have done it for the next. And giving discounts is a minefield; I mean, do you give the same discount for a different design?

 

So, no. I never offered discounts.

I lost a few commissions because of it, but it didn't bother me.

With 'friends' like that.....

 

Smart - very smart. I know about realistic charges on a per hour basis - I also make quilts for myself. I've had someone say "Oh, you could make one (Queen size) for me" I just couldn't charge what it would cost on a per hour basis. And I said 'no' to the job.

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I seem to get asked to be wingwoman a lot. It doesn't really bother me but I do tend to push ppl toward the independence path, mainly for their own sake.

 

What kind of wingwoman duties?

 

Agree on the independence thing - I've offered to teach instead of do.

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I went through a spate of this in college when the internet at our hostel apartments was always notoriously difficult to set up (long story, we were locked to strange providers that changed every year or so). I couldn't even ask them to bring it over to my place, obviously, because it had to work on their line. I did it anyway because I enjoyed it - most folks were really grateful, which is payment in itself, but there were a couple of really entitled asses too.

 

There was one guy (A) whom I didn't even know - a friend of a friend, but my friend (B) had been there trying to fix this guy's connection for over an hour, so he asked me for help. I wasn't thrilled about helping a stranger, but since B is a great friend and has helped me plenty with rides and such, I did it for B. We eventually suspected that he had a faulty modem, and I said we might be back in the next few days with a modem from my place to try and see. Not a word of thanks from A for trying, only, "Can't you come tomorrow!??!", I got pretty pissed off and said, "No." :laugh:

 

But yeah, long story short, I only help when (1) I enjoy what is being asked of me, or (2) it involves helping someone who has shown that they are willing to give as good as they get, too.

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A funny thing I had happen was, since my vehicles broke down often, I was always working on them so people began to assume I was some kind of skilled mechanic. Wrong...

 

I have had plenty of requests to do HVAC work (charging air conditioners, fixing furnaces etc...) and I don't really mind doing that, they pay for parts and I get to keep them in mind if I ever need something that they can help with. LOL

 

The one thing that occasionally causes me trouble is that it seems once I work on something for a friend I sometimes seem to inherit any other (totally unrelated) problems that might occur for quite some time.

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What kind of wingwoman duties?

 

Agree on the independence thing - I've offered to teach instead of do.

 

Could be anything - deflecting unwanted attention so they can focus on their target, 'coaching,' helping them get a line in, just making them look better, etc. I probably get most of it w/girls chasing girls since I'm seen as a 'pro' at that lol.

 

Els reminded me of something ....not quite exactly what you're talking about here but one thing that irritates me is when ppl ask for informal professional advice (related to my job field) and act like they're bscly just as informed as I am and only need clarification on some small thing when it's obvs they don't have a clue at all.

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