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Ending a toxic friendship


mortensorchid

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mortensorchid

I had posted about this woman before. I had not realized how crazy she was until fairly recently, although I always knew she was a bit out there. I met her a few years ago at a fan convention for Duran Duran fans (this is a factor in it which you will read). She had a few moments of friction with a few other fans here and there, and she reached out to me to come to CA this summer to see Duran Duran. I said yes.

 

Around the first of the year is when things changed with her. She asked when I was making my flight information, I said soon. She started getting more angry about why I was not making the commitment, I said I had a lot of things going on with my subbing job. Then she starts sending me text messages. I texted back I was reaching my limit so no more texting until after a certain date this week. I put my phone in my pocket at go about my business, an hour later I find 50 text messages of her telling me some crazy story about her meeting some guy in a bar.

 

Then she starts demanding. She sends me an IM through Facebook and I respond with just the thumbs up icon, meaning that I had read the message. She said she wanted to talk on the phone with me about things, she sounded angry about it. SO I did talk on the phone with her, she wanted to know why I was not responding immediately. I said I am VERY BUSY these days and can't be in front of Facebook all the time, what is the big deal? Then her landlord was kicking her out of her apartment she she and her roommate had to find another, and she also didn't mention to me that she has no car and no way of picking me up or getting us to/from the venue, or she has no credit cards to make a hotel reservation. Or that I needed to do any of these things.

 

The icing on the cake was/is this: She is a bit unstable to say the least. SHe believes that someday, somehow she will have sex with Nick Rhodes. She's 55 and looks it, and she has too much around the middle. I (and others) have said to her that NR can have his choice of the most beautiful women ON EARTH and chances are he's not going to go for a real woman but a Barbie doll. She also said that NR's currant gf, Jane Doe, has an Instagram account. She went to the Instagram photos and she was angry at them, jealous of the fact they are eating eggs and bacon every morning or something. She made some nasty comments about them, then Jane Doe made her account private. Then she started saying rotten things about Jane Doe to her, and Jane Doe blocked her on the Instagram account. I said I didn't understand what the problem was - she's jealous of the fact that NR and his gf eat eggs and bacon together (let alone anything together), let Jane Doe know of this, and then she wants to get back in, Jane Doe won't let her, and now she's angry AGAIN?! I asked why she bothers to look at them at all if they bother her or why she keeps trying to look at them again. I can admire her answer if nothing else : "I am not mature enough to not look and not let it bother me."

 

As far as she is concerned I have done a total social media blackout. She is crazy.

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TaraMaiden2

We think our lives are a total f**k~up, then we meet those who make us realise, with gratitude, just how normal and steady our lives actually are.

We should be thankful for such weirdos..... :laugh:

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  • 2 weeks later...
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mortensorchid

She just texted me "Hey, so why did you block me on Facebook and Twitter? Just a simple, short, truthful answer will do if you are worried about your texting limitations". I will ignore it. At least when people block me I don't cuss them out over it.

 

Unfortunately for me, she's cra cra.

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mortensorchid

ANd she just responded "Whatever (my name) I don't know what's going on with you, all I know is we used to be friend's and now you just have issues and it you won't even talk to me that's fine. Take care. Your problem's are not my problem and if you won't even give me the common courtesty of talking to me, that's really not my problem. It was nice knowing you."

 

Jesus ...

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privategal

I know its tough to do but I always think when you end something you do it with a small explanation ie. This friendship isnt working for me.

I know shes crazy but no one deserves to be ghosted with no explanation.

You dont owe it to anyone to be there friend but I think you shouldve given a small explanation even if its awkward so there are no questions.

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TaraMaiden2
I know its tough to do but I always think when you end something you do it with a small explanation ie. This friendship isnt working for me.

I know shes crazy but no one deserves to be ghosted with no explanation.

You dont owe it to anyone to be there friend but I think you shouldve given a small explanation even if its awkward so there are no questions.

 

Yes, but then *toxic friend* will respond, unkindly, then mortensorchid will reply, then *toxic friend* will insult, and then....

 

No.

I think it needs to end with No Contact.

 

Exactly like any other relationship that has run its course.

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privategal

After somone ends it with a polite brief firm explanation they have done their job and owe no more replies or discussion and can even block.

But no matter what it is cruel to ignore with zero explanation.

You go NC after you have told the person your intent. Crazy people arent necessarily bad people.

If a friendship isnt working for you its fair to part ways but give the other person any logic or reason and its their responsibility as to how they will react to it or to accept or not.

Ghosting is cowardly and wrong.

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TaraMaiden2

I guess, really, no matter what our opinions, the final decision is up to mortensorchid.

But - and I could be very wrong - it sounds to me as if mortensorchid believes that renewal of contact now would be completely counter-productive, particularly after *toxic friend's* last message....

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privategal

I guess op can speak for himself.

Just wanted to express my strong feeling the way this was handled was cruel...just my opinion and food for thought. Take care.

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I'm telling you, internet friends seem to implode more often than not. I used to cultivate friends on music fan boards and all but one pretty much twisted off and got weird.

 

I once worked in music, and I'm interested in stalking too, so some of the most interesting things I have read or witnessed were fan stalker stories. There's specific types. I mean, I can be quite fanatical myself (mostly in the past), but at no point did I mix up reality and think I had some proprietorship over them. Your exfriend lives in her own reality and probably that band is her main focus in life. There are fans who believe they are married to celebrities and go all nuts on them, make themselves at home after breaking into their homes, etc. There are many more who feel the artist is speaking to them personally -- not just they can relate to the music, but feel it's an actual message to them. These people are delusional. Their fantasy life is much better than their real lives, which are probably patched together with paste and clothespins.

 

I still wonder about one sweet girl I used to IM before bed. We were both fans of a certain band, but then suddenly all her attention turned to another newer artist, and she couldn't stop talking about him. She was in her 40s, and he was a young gay artist who got popular kind of all of a sudden. She talked about him and fawned over him almost as if he was her son or something. In fact, I began wondering if it WAS her son, because his mother was also a musician. This whole time she's telling me she's married, and she's telling me she has some social anxiety. But she told me she went to his concert and took him a tiara and all this stuff.

 

In the midst of all that about the other artist, the one we both mutually liked was coming to a town near her, so she asked me if I'd come. She'd buy enough tickets and all that. I told her yes, I'd come and planned on getting a hotel, nothing that would inconvenience her or anything. When I started trying to pay her for my ticket, she suddenly just pretty much ghosted. Then later, she resurfaced amidst a problem someone was having with another guy from the fan board and I accidentally insulted her (but she has already ghosted on me). So that was that. I never did know how much of what she said, if any, was true.

 

One gay friend I met on the fan board and then visited when I visited England was so nervous the whole time, but he at least showed up. Then later, he betrayed me and this other woman who had a stalker on the fan board that also lived near her and stalked her physically. The English guy and us had been very close. But we kept finding out he was passing info to this stalker guy, making my girlfriend's life more dangerous. So we pled with him to stop, but he just wasn't having any of it, so we kicked him off my private board and out of our lives to protect her. Ended up having to fake her moving and changing jobs to throw off the stalker guy and knew the betrayer would pass that info along.

 

Online friends are just not what they seem most of the time.

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After somone ends it with a polite brief firm explanation they have done their job and owe no more replies or discussion and can even block.

But no matter what it is cruel to ignore with zero explanation.

You go NC after you have told the person your intent. Crazy people arent necessarily bad people.

If a friendship isnt working for you its fair to part ways but give the other person any logic or reason and its their responsibility as to how they will react to it or to accept or not.

Ghosting is cowardly and wrong.

 

It's not as if she hadn't already tried to set limits and let her know she needed to back off -- and what did the person do? She doubled down demanding attention and gave no respect whatever. THAT is when you know it's time to block.

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privategal

Yes block...but with an explanation "the friendship has not been working for me and I will not be communicating with you any longer"

She didnt see it coming is my point.

HE can see shes crazy...she cannot see her issues.

I guess having been the recipient of ghosting its a sad issue for me. People should just be responsible and say goodbbye but op handled it the way he saw fit for him, thats what matters but I wouldnt abruptly block anyone.

She seems misguided, immature, out of touch, but not necessarily a bad person.

How can you ever learn from your behavior or mistakes if a friend doesnt tell you how your actions affected them.

Again...not here to debate, we are all different and thats ok I suppose.

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TaraMaiden2

you DO know mortensorchid is a woman....right?

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privategal
you DO know mortensorchid is a woman....right?

I didnt...not that it makes much difference but thanks for clarifying

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Yes block...but with an explanation "the friendship has not been working for me and I will not be communicating with you any longer"

She didnt see it coming is my point.

HE can see shes crazy...she cannot see her issues.

I guess having been the recipient of ghosting its a sad issue for me. People should just be responsible and say goodbbye but op handled it the way he saw fit for him, thats what matters but I wouldnt abruptly block anyone.

She seems misguided, immature, out of touch, but not necessarily a bad person.

How can you ever learn from your behavior or mistakes if a friend doesnt tell you how your actions affected them.

Again...not here to debate, we are all different and thats ok I suppose.

 

What do you mean she couldn't see it coming?? She asked her to stop it, and she didn't and in fact totally disrespected her by being twice as bad. There's no obligation to return respect, because OP wasn't getting any respect from the person.

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privategal

Im not sure why LS topics become such debates Seraph, I think its cool to share differing opinions and thats all I intended to do.

I dont dispute its best to part ways with the girl...its just she wrote to ask why afterward. I guess I just feel sorry to see any relationship end abruptly and one party left wondering. That hurts.

Everyone deserves the courtesy of a breif goodbye and if possible the reason.

Maybe I stand alone on that and thats ok. I just know I would learn from it if a friend said they were ending due to xyz. I might do better for the next friendship if I could at least see where I went wrong to cause an end. I think this girl lacks that self awareness and that she is too much. Everything she did was over the top yet none of it malicious.

Op seemed to tell her dont text about the concert again until a certain date.

She then texted about meeting some guy. That wasnt about the concert. I know its trivial and who cares about minute details but I had to wonder if she thought...oh no I annoyed her about the concert, she seems short so I'll smooth it over with some girl talk and tell her about this guy, she seems THAT simple minded.

When I read the story I thought...I felt bad for her, she seemed lost and really mixed up.

Anyways, its done now.

Take care.

Edited by privategal
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mortensorchid

I have chosen not to respond to her texts. It is rather cowardly to ghost on someone, to be sure, yet at the same there is a certain safety at hand as well. If I respond with a short explanation (which would be "I find you unstable and I no longer wish to have contact with you), she will open the floodgates and start ranting at me again, making more and more demands. Quite honestly, I was not sure if she was actually smart enough to research the situation - but sure enough she started questioning other Facebook friends about it. I had told others who may / may not have contact with her to tell her that I have done at total social networking blackout, but that didn't seem to stop her.

 

This is, let's remember, a woman who called me five times one day and left voice mails saying I had to call her back ASAP. Thinking that she was in some kind of danger and she needed help, I called back (I am in Ohio, she is in CA, let's once again keep in mind). She said she wanted me to delete her Twitter account for her. I asked why. She said it's stupid and a waste of time. I asked why she would not do it herself, she said she only has a phone and no laptop / desktop. I said okay, I am not at home right now, but if she will tell me her username / password I will do it once at home. I kept my patience in check with this. Then a half hour later she texts me that she just found the best wallpaper and not to delete her Twitter account after all. And two hours after that, she said she wanted to go to Chicago to see Duran Duran this summer, say yes I would go too! I did not respond but 20 minutes later she texted back saying "OH forget that, (name) is going to be there and I hate her!"

 

What I don't like is the anger and the self centeredness behind her actions. True, we are all that way, but you have to realize it is not all about you. She has not realized it's not all about her, I think that is the cause of her escalating anger. She would make for an interesting case study for an ambitious psychiatrist, to be sure. I think she is two steps away from visual / auditory hallucinations. If I told her Nick Rhodes is sitting on the couch next to me, she would probably believe that.

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