Not sure how to handle this

[TunaCat]

Last night my close friend texted me asking if I was around. I immediately responded that yes I was around and that's when she dropped the news:

 

Her husband fell in love with another girl he'd been chatting with online. Not only that but he said he doesn't love my friend anymore and doesn't want to work on the marriage.

 

I was utterly stunned. Because we don't live close to each other (think multiple states away) I've only met the husband a few times and he seemed like a great guy who loved my friend.

 

Now I have to support her to the best of my ability even though we aren't near each other and I feel so lost as to how to do that.

 

I'm so angry at him. Angry that he has done this to my friend. Angry that she is in some ways blaming herself.

 

She said it came completely out of nowhere and I believe her 100% She's got a place to stay and she's got family nearby, so I'm glad she won't be totally alone.

 

Truthfully though, I'm scared for her. She has a history of depression and that scares me. I know she's so strong and she will get through this, I just don't want her ever going down that dark path again and I'm terrified that she will.

 

I just wish there was something I could do.

 

I would love to hear your input, especially if you were ever in my friend's position and had a long distance friendship like we do. What should I say to her? What should I not say to her?

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you should admit to her that you belong to a relationships forum and that tragically, you hear a lot of similar stories here.

 

I think you should tell her of the sound advice given,about remaining strong, not taking the blame unconditionally, but standing back and viewing the whole thing logically.

 

I think you should mention that on her dark days she should reach out and lean on everyone possible, and tell as many people as she can exactly what has happened, factually.

 

I think you should tell her she will also have 'bright' days when things don't seem so bleak, and that those days will increase in time.

 

I think you should advise her to seek Legal Counsel, and help her think things through with her head, not her heart.

 

And I think that you should just hug her sometimes, and comfort her in that she's not alone.

[angel.eyes]

First, you never know what is really happening in someone's marriage. Only the two people in it know.

 

My advice: be supportive and provide a listening, non-judgmental ear when she wants one. Refrain from attacking her husband. It's unproductive on many levels. Also, who knows? They may reconcile. That's pretty common, no matter how angry, upset, betrayed, shocked, etc. she feels right now or how convinced he is of his "brilliant" idea. If you spend much of your discussion with her actively trashing him, you will become part of the fallout if/when they reconcile. Even if they don't reconcile, it will likely cause awkwardness between you when she's ready to move on.

 

Suggest she join some type of support group locally. There are other people facing the same types of issues with their spouses. She's certainly not alone.

 

How long have they been married? Any kids?

[SammySammy]

Sometimes support is enough. It's not so much what you say, but that you listen. Nonjudmental, noncritical listening to understand. Many people can come to the right conclusions themselves if they just have the right sounding board. Be that for her.

 

Reach out from time to time to encourage her. A phone call. A thoughtful gift.

 

Quite often all we need is to know somebody cares.

[TunaCat]

How long have they been married? Any kids?

 

They've been married for 6 years. No kids.

[butterfly1958]

Sooooo sad.....I am sure you hurt for her. Treat her as you would want to be treated. Try and walk in her shoes. Listening is the greatest healing and helping possible to allow her to process this situation. Given the history of depression you may want to suggest counseling to help her keep moving forward. I had a friend that this happened to and I just called and talked to her almost daily to allow her to vent and understand where she was at. Having a phone number of someone who lives close to her in case you feel she needs emergency intervention so you could call immediately would help you as well as her. If you can take time to go see her, that would really be wonderful. Help her count the blessings that she has in her life......these are easy to forget at a time like this. My thoughts and prayers will be with both of you......

[minimariah]

What should I say to her? What should I not say to her?

 

ask her -- what do you need from me? what should i do for you, what do you need the most right now: strong support or distraction or maybe both?

 

i needed both. my friend used to send me these daily mails... about stuff she thought i might be interested in. like with various fun links, movies, books recommendations and she would send me monthly candy treats from USA (i'm in Europe)... with American candy for me to try out. that was our thing and it made me forget about my divorce for at least a minute, it made me excited for something.

 

she kind of followed my lead - when i had the need to analyze everything, she'd let me talk. when i had the need to verbalize my fears - she would let me talk. she did provide me with strong support so i never felt like i was alone in the world. she reached out to me daily, always making sure i'm up from bed... i'm doing something fun for myself - something simple like painting my nails - basically, she made sure i was LIVING and moving forward.

 

be the support she needs right now... that's the best you can do. this too, shall pass.

[JstarTheCat]

You should be open to the idea that what she needs from you as she goes through this awful event may change as time progresses. You should also be aware that she may not know what she needs. Be ready to act, help, intervene, console, and provide affection as needed. Relationship turmoil makes a crazy time. By being a good friend, you'll grow closer to each other and both of you will be stronger and better people for it.