Found out my friend is really self-centered

[JaneMoore]

I've been friends with Sarah for more than eight years now. We used to meet mostly in a group including two other friends, Isabella and Clara.

Now, Sarah has never been in a serious relationship. And she made very clear she didn't like when we talked about our relationships at our meetings. It sounds rather mean, however we didn't really take it that way and we just accepted that. Our group meetings have become rather rare, and when we did meet (each of us living in a different town by then, so it wasn't that easy to arrange), we didn't usually discuss the important stuff in our lives (like Clara getting married, which is kinda a big thing - but even that we just mentioned shortly, and now I realize it was once again because of Sarah's attitude) - and since these shallow talks weren't exactly what we would need, we all became a bit estranged. As for Isabella, honestly, Sarah pushed her away. She kept always saying (for like six years) that she never really knew her... not that she ever tried. Not that she cared Isabella had been a dear friend of mine AND Clara. Sarah somewhat managed to persuade us that... almost like Isabella didn't really fit in our friend circle anymore. Also, and I can't begin to tell how mad I'm about that, she actually made us somehow believe it was Izzie's fault.

As for me and Sarah, for the last year we were very close, talking about everything. Recently Sarah finally started dating someone she seems to really like. And she can't help but brag about that literally all the time. Not only when she talks with me, she literally mentions it ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. The very same person who couldn't stand talk about Clara's getting engaged. Also, I'm in a happy long-term relationship, too, and being closer with Sarah than the others, I obviously couldn't avoid any information concerning my boyfriend - but when I mentioned him, our holidays or plans, to Sarah, I always felt rather guilty and bad.

Now don't get me wrong, I am happy she's finally happy. However this has finally opened my eyes, and made me realize something I should have seen a long time ago: How incredibly self-centered, selfish Sarah has always been. (And how it has escalated since she started dating that guy.)

She was always kinda pushing us into roles she had created for us, and she has actually weakened our friendship. I've met with Clara recently, and she finally admitted what she's been too anxious (being the kind, sweet person who doesn't want to do anyone any harm) to say: That she's always felt Sarah's attitude is unfair, that she's really wanted to share more about our lives and avoid all those shallow talks Sarah preferred, and that our meetings became so rare because she always felt rather bad after them. (The same goes for me.) And that Sarah's attitude actually hurt her.

 

So... Right now, I frankly have troubles talking to Sarah AT ALL. I'm tired of all her "my boyfriend this and that". I mean, yes, it's her first serious relationship, but omfg, she's making it into this HUGE deal everyone needs to hear about. Which is pretty upsetting, especially since she won't let anyone to talk about them, and always turns the conversation right back to her main topic.

I'm REALLY angry with her for all the hypocrisy. And I feel like I should confront her about that, but I can't even begin to think how. Knowing Sarah, she'd be all "I didn't mean, I didn't realize", she'd apologized a thousand times, and then... be exactly the same. I can't even believe how long has taken me to see how toxic friendship with her can be.

So... I'd really like to hear any advice on that. Shall I talk to her, is it to mean to be avoiding her at least for a while (she really gets on my nerves)...? Or am I perhaps overreacting right now?

[anika99]

First off it all starts with you taking responsibility for your own choices and decisions. Frankly I couldn't imagine even trying to have a friendship with anyone who felt like they had the right to dictate what I could or could not talk about regarding my own life. I totally amazed that you and your other friends ever agreed to this censorship of your conversations in the first place. You and the others always had a choice to accept it or not. It also sounds like you allowed Sarah to push Isabella away from the group and you went along with that even though you really liked Isabella. Amazing that you would give another person so much control and then blame that person later on when things don't go to your liking. I'm can't imagine why you and the others let Sarah run the show but you did and that was your choice.

 

What you do about Sarah now is up to you. Sounds like you have already made up your mind to not talk to her about how you feel so I guess you could end the friendship or just continue having a shallow friendship with her where nobody say what they really think and feel

[Offspring]

I'd just distance myself without really saying anything. Bringing it up probably won't change anything, as she's not aware of her behaviour.