When you hate your best friend's life partner?

[Gaeta]

I hate him with all of my heart, gut and soul for everything he has done to her and everything he has never done for her.

 

When he does something to her I get so angry and aggressive. My boyfriend told me I have to let it go. He's the man she picked for herself and to just enjoy my friendship with her and ignore him.

 

Is it possible? I hate this man so bad that now even if he does a good thing for her I can't recognize it.

[whichwayisup]

Learn to suck it up and get along for her sake. When you see her, just the two of you spend time together alone without spouses. If you can't do this then the friendship will suffer and eventually it will end with a lot of pain and resentment. Or if you can't deal with him at all you can end the friendship with her completely...Though I hope you don't do that.

 

This is HER life, not yours. You can't be aggressive and resentful about it. Your bf is right, stay out of it and focus on her, not her partner.

[TimmyC]

Gah this totally hits home for me. I had to let go of a 15 year friendship because the guy kept huting her and she didnt want better for herself.

 

He chose videogames over her

 

Didnt support her when she lost a friend, he was in a "League of legends match"

 

Didn't go with her to her friends engagement party.

 

The list went on until I had to pull myself away it broke my heart.

 

 

However I agree with the poster above. The unfortunate truth is this is her life and it's nothing you can do. HOWEVER you also have your own life, and if it effects you that much it's okay to distance yourself. Don't let anyone guilt trip you and make you feel bad for needing space.

[jen1447]

Why do you hate him? Is he like outwardly abusing her or is it more a personality clash or sth like that? I'd have to know what was really up before I could decide how to proceed or figure your chances to get along.

[truthtripper]

I can relate to this. I have two friends with abusive partners. One cheats on her and flirts overtly at other women. The other is a misogynist, who once acknowledged to me(when my friend wasn't present) that he emotionally abuses her. When I asked him why he deliberately does it, he replied "she can take it".

 

They too are not standing up for themselves. My relationships with them are suffering as a result.

[Gaeta]

Why do you hate him? Is he like outwardly abusing her or is it more a personality clash or sth like that? I'd have to know what was really up before I could decide how to proceed or figure your chances to get along.

 

 

* He is passive-aggressive toward her with cruel little comments.

 

* He meets women in secrets.

 

* He won't do anything just to please her like at Easter he refused to accompany her to her parents for Easter's Dinner. Just cause he didn't feel like it. It's embarrassing to her.

 

* He tells her things like: If I could cut your tummy off with a knife you'd be so sexy.

 

* If she tries to share with him some stress from work he'll say: It's Friday night I don't want to hear about your problems.

 

* He won't pay for anything. His excuse is he doesn't want any debt, but it's ok for her to pile up her credit cards.

 

* The Sh$t that hit the fan is this week she put an offer on a house. Right before closing the deal HE hung up on the seller saying the deal was off when he's not even putting ONE cent on that house it's all of her saving! So she called me crying.

[jen1447]

Ok, that's all bad in its own right but it's not like he needs an immediate ass-kicking. That's good.

 

The way I'd approach this G is to take the attitude that I can't be a party to the mistreatment, so there could be no continued friendship. It's one thing to take the attitude of letting friends make mistakes and live their own lives - that applies to failed investments, dreams of quitting their job and becoming the next Taylor Swift, etc. If you want to do that I'm right there with you. But being made miserable and being exploited and losing self-esteem and self-worth at the hands of a partner is sth that if a friend tolerates, they become complicit in. If I knew a guy was punching out my friend every night I wouldn't say "oh well, it's her life, she can lead it how she chooses" and then go have drinks with her like nothing was wrong. This systematic dehumanizing that your friend's enduring isn't the same as that but it's equally damaging to her psyche and maybe even moreso.

 

I wouldn't tolerate it or be a party to it. You don't just stand by and watch while your friend drives off a cliff.

[preraph]

If he's that bad saying those horrible things, I'd sit her down one time and tell her all of it and how abusive it is and that you can't sit by and watch him drag her under the bus and that she shouldn't expect you to and needs to wake up. Then if she gets mad, so be it. More than likely, she will just keep saying "but" he does this and "but" I love him, and you tell her she deserves far better. Maybe some of it will sink in. If not, you might also tell the member of her family with the most influence over her all of it. She'll really hate you for that, but it sounds like a bad situation.

[Gaeta]

If he's that bad saying those horrible things, I'd sit her down one time and tell her all of it and how abusive it is and that you can't sit by and watch him drag her under the bus and that she shouldn't expect you to and needs to wake up. Then if she gets mad, so be it. More than likely, she will just keep saying "but" he does this and "but" I love him, and you tell her she deserves far better. Maybe some of it will sink in. If not, you might also tell the member of her family with the most influence over her all of it. She'll really hate you for that, but it sounds like a bad situation.

 

I have done that several times.

 

Also no on likes this guy. I don't, her parents don't like him, her siblings don't, her children don't.

 

When no one around likes your boyfriend you have to wake up.

 

She doesn't. She is afraid of being alone. I love her but ...it's exhausting. There is something every week.

[preraph]

She needs to stop dating and live by herself until she's confident she doesn't HAVE to have someone. What a mess. I wouldn't keep messing with her as long as you have to witness or listen to that stuff.

[love1336x]

I’ve been in your position before where many of my friends have been with losers.

I had a friend who man was on drugs, aggressive toward her if she went out, resentful when came to her wanting to be around her family. Just a piece of crap overall. Their last fight they had was over a chicken sandwich in front of their 5 year old son. She had twisted her ankle on a toy. Her son was hungry. She told her man, “could you fix our son a chicken sandwich?” He began to scream and act completely stupid with her. They ended up in a physical fight. After that she went to her mother for a few days with their son. A week later they were back together, and I completely lost my mind to be honest with her. I told her she needed to think about her son. Why must he grow up in such hateful environment? Needless to say she took it as an insult to her motherhood.

 

Another friend, her man on drugs, man stole from her, their son needed diapers and he took that money and brought drugs, aggressive as well, always had losers friends in the house partying, overall a piece of crap as well.

 

Another friend (who now is my girlfriend<3) her wife was crazy nutty drunk, which she knew at the time but thought she could change her. She thought love could save their relationship. She had slapped her, broke her phone, threw away her 2,000 engagement ring, but she still married her anyways!

Another friend hahah her man was a complete control freak. He control what she has worn, control where she was going out, yet would always call her a hoe and said she was cheating. Took her money without her permission at times. He knew what her bank account numbers.

 

What I’ve learned over the years to do with friends with losers… turn the other way. Now of days my friends aren’t with these losers anymore. People have limitation of what they can handle and after a while they will see the light. I don’t know how long it will take your friend, but if you’re being negative will ONLY reinforce her relationship with her man.

You can think about yourself and let go of her if you can’t handle how he treats her. Because nothing going to change until she realizes he is a piece of crap. It sucks BADLYYYYYY, but at the end of day all you can really do is simply be a shoulder for her to cry on, and that's it.

 

What i've done I have left my friends alone, until they have come to there senses. They have never hated me for leaving them. They were pretty understanding and accepted my choice.

 

So it's up to you. Leave or be there for her, but do remember it's her choice the day she wants to let go of him.

Edited April 14, 2016 by love1336x