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How to deal with a Judgemental Person


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I have a very judgmental person in my life. She thinks of people in very black and white terms. If I tell her the smallest thing about someone (a friend, coworker, relative, etc…), she takes it and makes a sweeping generalization about that person without even having met them. She won’t even consider the possibility that she could be wrong or that she should wait to make a judgment about them.

 

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised as she is generally a very negative person. She tends to assume the worse in people. Whereas I try to see the best in people until I have a valid reason to think badly about them. She often tells me stories about coworkers that she hates for very petty reasons. It’s like she’s looking for reasons to dislike people.

This is probably why she has so many problems with the people in her life, including neighbors, coworkers, everyone! She has very few friends because she straight up hates people. She is very negative and antagonistic at times and it drives me bonkers.

 

 

I feel like I can’t share anything with her because she will make judgments about me or about the person I am telling her about. It also upsets me because I really try to be a positive person and she constantly brings in drama and negativity over the most minor, miniscule things. She says that she’s defensive because she grew up learning how to defend herself against the jerks of the world. But I feel like she’s actually very antagonistic and creates problems where none exist because she always thinks the worst of people.

I’ve tried hard to be understanding but it’s very draining.I want to be around happy, kind people who make my life better. Not someone who brings me down.

 

 

Does anyone else have experiences with people like this?

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Dated someone like that...no bueño. I'd shy away from her when she gets negative, if I were you. Sometimes I feel like you have to train people how you want them to act around you. If you ignore her negativity, she will eventually sense that you are not around to absorb her negative energy. If she becomes negative towards you, then decrease contact or even cut contact. Life is too short to deal with people like that.

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WaitingForBardot
...

If I tell her the smallest thing about someone (a friend, coworker, relative, etc…), she takes it and makes a sweeping generalization about that person without even having met them.

...

So she's on LS..., ..lol..

 

IME, someone who speaks ill of other people, to you or in your presence, is doing the same to/about you when you're not present. I avoid such people.

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If you don't want to hear it, just stop confiding in her. Truth is she probably is just more realistic than you, but we mostly have to make our own mistakes, so just don't confide in her if it brings you down.

 

Just do one thing for me, though. Don't take the attitude that because someone hasn't done something bad specifically to you, that it's okay to let them in your life. Their history is the best predictor of their future behavior, whether they've done anything to you personally or not. I learned that the hard way. So if a lot of people don't trust them or whatever, you should listen.

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It would be awesome if you could try and tell her what you see. Tell her as a friend how you feel.

That way if you choose to end the friendship over this she could at least see why and maybe down the road see you were right.

We all have flaws.

Yes, hers is offputting and unattractive but if you can point out how you like to have happy and positive people around and do not feel she is that way...maybe she has a chance to try and change.

She might not see herself that way.

Maybe she was raised by negative family members always angry at a siblibg or neighbor. Maybe this was allbshe knew and saw as a young person and thought it was the norm.

Disliking others constantly is a form of walls put up and sometimes hurt and insecurity.

You dont have to pity her but deep down the only way she can process is to project.

It takes a good and patient friend to help another see.

Or maybe you dont want to..if so its your right and not your responsibility, just saying you have flaws too, and you are judging her back.

Just really asking you to see her as a whole person and also to see if she has any redeeming qualities too beyond these negative flaws.

What if you took her out for tea/coffee/beer and put it on the table...Ive literally been feeling like distancing myself from our friendship bevause everytime we talk its negative and wears on me as Im trying to be positive in life.

Wouldnt that be so brave of you to at least try before writing her off?

I hope you do.

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Michelle ma Belle

Who is this person in your life?

 

If she's just a friend then cut her loose! Seriously. These people are toxic and will never change their stripes. It's indeed very draining when you're someone trying to see the best of everything.

 

If she's a family member the I would definitely limit your time with her and refrain from sharing anything with her. She isn't worthy.

 

Good luck.

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Just stop telling her things. Talk about more general things: current events, the weather, what you saw on TV etc.

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I've spoken to her about her attitude before and she's actually very aware of it. She just doesn't care to change. She often says, "Yeah, I know I don't have a filter and I come across as rude sometimes but that's just the way I am."

 

 

I have to learn to hold back on telling her certain things. I realize now that she's not the person to turn to when I want a sympathetic, non-judgmental ear.

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whichwayisup
I've spoken to her about her attitude before and she's actually very aware of it. She just doesn't care to change. She often says, "Yeah, I know I don't have a filter and I come across as rude sometimes but that's just the way I am."

 

 

I have to learn to hold back on telling her certain things. I realize now that she's not the person to turn to when I want a sympathetic, non-judgmental ear.

 

Exactly. She isn't a kind, nurturing or supportive friend, the type you rely on and always has your back. At least you know who she is and isn't going to change...It's up to you to decide how often you want be around someone like that in your life.

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I've spoken to her about her attitude before and she's actually very aware of it. She just doesn't care to change. She often says, "Yeah, I know I don't have a filter and I come across as rude sometimes but that's just the way I am."

 

Have you told her that her attitude makes it difficult for YOU to be around her?

 

If she knows that she drives you bonkers and doesn't care to change, then it's perfectly reasonable to cut her from your life.

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