gentlestorm Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Hey everyone, I have been struggling with this for a while and honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. I have been friends with someone (I will call her Wendy) for almost 5 years now (I am now 21). We always had fun when we hung out and I could talk to her very well. After we had been friends for a while, things started to change a bit. She would often get mad at me and I would never know why. If I would ask her why, she would only get more upset with me. I was (and still am) a very insecure person and I always thought that I did everything wrong and I hated that I upset her so much, it was always me who was apologizing. Then, a few years back, I introduced her to a couple of friends I made in college. Then, things started to change really quickly. She basically started ignoring me and making plans with them without including me. In that time, I was going through a break up and it tore me up. I am not normally a person who talks a lot about personal things because I don't want to bother anyone so at first I tried to behave normally around Wendy. Then she confronted me and said she was hurt because I didn't trust her enough to tell her how I was really feeling. I thought she was right and that it was unfair of me, so I spilled how I felt and that I was having difficulties with just making it through the day. However, instead of being supportive she then started saying how my break-up was affecting her and how it would change the dynamics within the group of friends. She would always say that she wants me to be happy, but in the end, it would just always be about her. When I started dating again, she turned to me immediately again and said how my new relationship would affect her and how she didn't like it because (again) it would change the dynamics in the group of friends. She would constantly say things like that me and my current boyfriend are a bad fit and that we should think it through more and she told me that she is afraid that now she will lose him (my boyfriend) as her friend because he is dating me. In the meanwhile, she started dating someone and that is when the ignoring really started. She would only come to me when she was frustrated with me, because I did something wrong again. She would never ask me how I am doing. Everything would be only about her and how I am making her upset. It took me several years to notice that something has been off this entire time, but now I am just so filled with anxiety and stress. I have confronted her with this and we talked and it seemed to be fine afterwards, but after a little while, everything just continued the way it was, like we never talked. Now, when we talk, she is only degrading my interests. Little things like ''oh, you like doing ...? That's silly''. I am getting just too scared about sharing things about myself, my likes and dislikes, because I'm just afraid that she will put me down. Honestly, I feel like a horrible person, because I always try to help and to be kind, but it seems like I can only upset her and make her angry with me. I feel scared when we meet and relieved when she goes home. I have cried so much about this and I am really at loss for what I should do. My boyfriend says I should just end it and that she is a toxic friend, but how can I know whether this is true. I am sorry for my long story. Does anyone have similar experiences or pieces of advise? I would be forever grateful. Thank you so so much for reading this. Take care, gentlestorm Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Now, when we talk, she is only degrading my interests. Little things like ''oh, you like doing ...? That's silly''. I am getting just too scared about sharing things about myself, my likes and dislikes, because I'm just afraid that she will put me down. Honestly, I feel like a horrible person, because I always try to help and to be kind, but it seems like I can only upset her and make her angry with me. This friendship is very toxic and I dare say not worth holding onto once you get to this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Wendy is not your friend. Do some reading - the books I am suggesting are based around relationships but Wendy is to be found in each book. Toads and the Women who Kiss Them Why Does He Do That Wolf in Sheep's Clothing The first two titles would not 'appear' to include your friend but each one does - I have read all three. I have recommended them in order of value I think they will have for you right now with where you are at. You need to break free of her - never again confide to her - it leaves you wide open to insult and injury. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raina314 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Get rid of her. If you have the same group of friends that's hard to do, but just try to stay clear of her, especially in one on one settings. If you're in a group, just acknowledge her as little as you can. You have other friends and this one is no good. If she confronts you, just tell her exactly what you just wrote. There could hardly be a better reason to not be friends with someone. Keep your head up, this should be a fun time in your life and you'll meet lots of other, better people 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 She might be narcissistic. I mean, like you said, it's all about her. You can't have the boyfriend because then what if it affects her friendship with him? Everything you do, she's finding fault with. You've let her hang around past her expiration date and to the point she's making you cry. I don't see how talking to her would solve anything. Why not just stop accepting any invitations and let communication dwindle down until it's nothing. And while you're doing this, do NOT tell her your personal business and give her any ammo. Just do a fade on her. If she won't go away from the fade, then just block her every way possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gentlestorm Posted February 24, 2016 Author Share Posted February 24, 2016 (edited) Thank you so so much for your responses, it really helps me putting things into perspective. It's actually some sort of a relief to hear this (this may sound stupid), because it means that it's not just all in my head. GemmaUK, thank you so much for your book-recommendations, I've already looked them up and I am going to read them. I was really looking for relatable stories and this may really help, so thank you so much for your kindness. Raina314 and preraph, thank you so much for the pieces of advise, I am going to try my best to do exactly just that. Dwindle the attention and communication down and I think at one point she will confront me again and I will tell her exactly this. Again, thank you all so so much for your responses and that you are taking the time to read this. You have no idea how nice that is and how grateful I am. I'm really relieved that it's not just all in my head, because it felt a bit like I was going mad. I hope you all have a wonderful day and again, thank you . Edited February 24, 2016 by gentlestorm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 25, 2016 Share Posted February 25, 2016 The early warning sign is people who go out of their way to let you know they are angry - but, refuse to say why or talk about it. This is a control tactic and primer test - if you chase after them, they know you're easily manipulated. Link to post Share on other sites
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