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Telling a friend about her cheating bf


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Old 15th February 2016, 10:42 PM   #1
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Telling a friend about her cheating bf

I am new here, so I do not know if this topic has been covered. If so please direct me to that post.

At one point, I was on a dating website used mainly for hooking up or sharing personal, intimate thoughts and pictures. I saw my friend's boyfriend on that site. Thing is, the guy who my friend is dating is married. He has been married over 20 years, but he has been dating my friend for 5-6 years. He moved out of his house 6 years ago, and moved in with his gf except on weekends he has his kids. He has an apartment he goes to when he is sick (gf won't let him stay at her place if he is really sick) and when he has his kids. His wife and kids know about his gf. He even has gf around when he has his kids on the weekends. I have not said anything to my friend, until now. I was on the site again recently, and I noticed my friend's bf has never deleted his account and it appears as though he has been on there recently (within last six months).

Since I care about my friend, I emailed her and sent her a link to the website he is on. I have sent several emails telling her things I had discovered about him, and I told her that he was cheating on her.

She has not replied to any of my emails, and now they seem to be stronger than ever. He tells people he loves his gf, and he will move in with her full-time when he gets his divorce. He finally filed for divorce a few months ago.

Should I just walk away from my friend because I tried to protect her and she now ignores me? How can she be okay with a man who cheats? I have trouble believing that he really loves her, but maybe he does.

I am not sending any more emails because the ones I sent pushed her away from me and closer to him.

Have any of you ever been in a situation where you couldn't/wouldn't divorce your wife (or husband) and truly loved your mistress?
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Old 15th February 2016, 11:17 PM   #2
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I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, are you sure she got your emails? The other thing is I can't imagine emailing a friend of mine this kind of info. I would be on the phone talking to her, or going to her house. I find it curious as to how you handled this.

So, ever since you sent those emails, have you and your friend spoken since then about anything else? Have you directly asked her? Is it possible that her bf saw the emails and deleted them?

Assuming she did see the emails and has simply ignored them, then that's her right. She's not obligated to make good choices just because you pointed this out to her. It's really just your choice to either stay friends with her and let her live her life as she chooses, or distance yourself from this friendship.
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Old 15th February 2016, 11:45 PM   #3
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I told her I would like to meet up and talk about things I discovered. She told me she was too busy. So I emailed them. She has her email on her phone, so she would see them when they came in.

I do care about her because we have been like sisters. In our group of friends she was always known as the one who would put up with the least crap. Any time she would think our men were disrespectful (me and others in our circle) she would immediately tell us who we should and shouldn't put up with and we should deal with the men, even if advice was unsolicited.

Maybe she knows he cheats on her too, but she doesn't want to admit it?
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Old 16th February 2016, 11:16 AM   #4
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I can only think one of the following:

She has low self esteem and is ignoring it
She's got an open relationship with him
OR

She's cheating herself and doesn't give a damn

Not everyone minds sharing their man who cheats and your friend is probably one of those women.
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Old 16th February 2016, 12:14 PM   #5
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Quote:
I was on the site again recently, and I noticed my friend's bf has never deleted his account and it appears as though he has been on there recently (within last six months).
Just because he is still on there (Maybe forgot to delete his account) and was active on the site in the past six months doesn't mean he's hooking up with others. Looking isn't enough evidence. You have no proof that he is hitting on other women, let alone dating others.

If she has received your emails, her not replying back and saying she's busy is obviously a hint that either 1)she spoke to him and chose not to involve you in the outcome or 2)she doesn't want to know.

All you can do is back off and let her sort it out, if and when the time comes she reaches out and needs your support, be there for her but until then drop it and stop investing her boyfriend.
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Old 16th February 2016, 3:16 PM   #6
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Oh my Lord. Of someone got in the middle of my marriage I would freak.
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Old 16th February 2016, 4:06 PM   #7
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She didn't want to know. She's put blinders on. She already knows he's a cheater because he is with her and remains married. I assume this may be because he doesn't believe in divorce (Catholic?). Anyway, divorce is no worse to the Church than adultry, so it's convenient thinking if that is what is going on.

Anyway, she just isn't going to do anything about it. It's a shame she has blown you off. I'm sure it's because she's now embarrassed that you know she is going to just put up with him. This is what happens sometimes. A friend of mine would come to me when things got a bit abusive and then go back to him and avoid me! Nuts. But people have to make their own mistakes.

Blow her off for now. She doesn't have much backbone. It would be hard for me to respect her under the circumstances, but it's her life.
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Old 17th February 2016, 4:03 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by goodyblue View Post
Oh my Lord. Of someone got in the middle of my marriage I would freak.
Agree. OP, you should stay out of it.
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Old 17th February 2016, 8:24 PM   #9
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Preraph - I believe you were right.

She read my emails. She has decided to remain with her married BF. He has now deleted his info from the website too.

I have listened to her cry because he will not divorce his wife. I tried to be understanding for her. She doesn't trust him, I guess since their relationship began as a secret affair she knows he capable of it. She is still in an affair, but everyone knows about them so it's like it's no big deal. She told me she would not put up with him cheating on her. I guess she is eating those words. I was there for the late night cries when she didn't know where he was, I was there for the yelling sessions when she was mad at his excuses for not getting a divorce. I think she is saving me drama now by keeping this man in her life and kicking me out of her life. It sucks to lose a friend. But life goes on.
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Old 17th February 2016, 9:20 PM   #10
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It's a shame when friends act that way. That's how people lose their good friends and end up with only superficial ones. Hey, if she'll put up with him still being married, she'll surely put up with him cheating randomly. It's really hard to save people from making their own mistakes. Sometimes they learn after the first big disaster, and others just keeping repeating their mistakes over and over. You did all you can do. I'm sorry if you lose a friend over it. She should have been woman enough to just write back and say, "Well, I don't know if I'm going to leave him, but thanks for letting me know." She should have been woman enough to be honest with you and with herself, but so far, she hasn't. She's weak.
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