I feel that my friend is making a big mistake

[johnpennington]

My friend (who is a girl) did something that I never believe in doing, and I think it wont last. I want to know if its just me who's crazy.

 

She dated a guy through the end of 2014. Theyre both 28. The guy lives alone with his mother because his mother is mentally ill and she needs someone to live with. The mother HATED my friend (the girl) who he was dating. For no particular reason, the mother is just nuts. They would get in a lot of fights over the mother and the mother would allegedly put things in his head about her which would cause them to fight.

 

One day, their fighting blew up and they broke up in a bad fight and he said he never gives second chances. They went almost a year without talking, until they ran into eachother one day. So she started seeing him again and for the last few months has been trying to rekindle their relationship. She wants to be with him, but she's refusing to be with him until he tells his mom they're back together because she wants a stable relationship, not a secret relationship.

 

She also has a 7 year old daughter and shes refusing to tell her daughter theyre back together until he tells his mom. He keeps putting off telling his mother they're back together which is pissing her off because she cant get serious with him until then. He told her that his mother STILL talks **** about her a year later and the mom doesnt even know theyre back together yet! He's obviously stalling on telling her.

 

The mother is very mentally ill and tried to commit suicide once. He's afraid if he tells her theyre back together, that she'll go over the edge. And my friend even said she wont be in a relationship where the only person he has hates her. (His mother is all he has.) Meanwhile, she has a nice guy waiting in the wings who she put on hold because the ex came back into her life and she didn't have "closure" with him the first time. She's conflicted because she likes her ex and the new guy, but she's putting the ex first and foremost. She even tells me they're hooking up and she's getting stronger feelings for the ex, which I think is foolish to be developing feelings for him because there's a good chance they may not even be able to be together.

 

What I wanted to tell her, but I didnt because it might offend her, is that maybe he just misses the sex and he's just trying to squeeze some sex out of her.

 

What do you all think? Are my suspicions correct? Is she going to look like a fool for this?

Edited February 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Friendship forum

[neowulf]

 

What do you all think? Are my suspicions correct? Is she going to look like a fool for this?

 

In the end, you might be right, you might not be. Thing is, it's not your place or your problem.

 

I've been in your position in the past, watching friends make questionable choices. The thing is, you're not their keeper. You can either offer unconditional support, or you can bail. That's really all there is to friendship.

 

Offer advice if you like, offer an opinion. A friendship that can't stand a little honestly isn't one worth keeping. But understand, your opinion is just that. An opinion. She may choose to ignore it and you simply have to be ok with that. If want to remain her friend that is.

 

It's sounds harsh and it's difficult watching people ride into a train wreak, but we're all on our own paths in this life. In the end, we're ultimately responsible for ourselves.

[johnpennington]

In the end, you might be right, you might not be. Thing is, it's not your place or your problem.

 

I've been in your position in the past, watching friends make questionable choices. The thing is, you're not their keeper. You can either offer unconditional support, or you can bail. That's really all there is to friendship.

 

Offer advice if you like, offer an opinion. A friendship that can't stand a little honestly isn't one worth keeping. But understand, your opinion is just that. An opinion. She may choose to ignore it and you simply have to be ok with that. If want to remain her friend that is.

 

It's sounds harsh and it's difficult watching people ride into a train wreak, but we're all on our own paths in this life. In the end, we're ultimately responsible for ourselves.

 

thank you for your response. i understand what youre saying. its tough to see it happen but you gotta let them do what they wanna do. giving them your honest opinion is always an option too.

 

you say its tough watching people ride into a trainwreck, is that your opinion about this situation?

[neowulf]

thank you for your response. i understand what youre saying. its tough to see it happen but you gotta let them do what they wanna do. giving them your honest opinion is always an option too.

 

you say its tough watching people ride into a trainwreck, is that your opinion about this situation?

 

I think given the limited information you've provided, that yes, it could probably end up being a bit of a mess.

 

That said, I don't know these people personally. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We can't really be sure what's going to happen.

 

In the end, so long as a friends life isn't at risk, I've done my best to live and let live. I'm far more useful as a friend if I'm not busy judging people and instead supporting them. It isn't always easy, but I believe it's for the best.

[Maggie4]

My opinion is that your friend has little understanding of mental illness, cos if she did, she would not ask him to tell her. Since she is young and she has not had exposure to dementia, she wouldn't know.

 

If the mother wasn't in the picture, the relationship with this ex is actually good? There are meds that doctors can prescribe to help his mother. I had an ex whose 80 year old mother would shout profanities at me, but I understood it was dementia so no reason to be upset, just go along with her.

 

I don't think your friend should think her relationship is in secret. The mother is the one living in the secret world that confines these patients. It is cruel to tell his mother something that will deal a blow to her.

[CC12]

What I wanted to tell her, but I didnt because it might offend her, is that maybe he just misses the sex and he's just trying to squeeze some sex out of her.

 

I'm glad you didn't tell her this, because it is offensive. First it's a little offensive that you presume to know what is going on in his mind. Secondly, it's not nice to tell someone that they're being used for sex. It's as if you're implying that her only value is her sexuality.

 

I'm wondering why your friend is so insistent that his mother is made aware that they're dating again. Clearly the mother still doesn't like her for whatever reason - why doesn't your friend just stay away and not antagonize a mentally ill woman? And since your friend thinks that the mother "puts things in his head about her," wouldn't she just be better off having nothing to do with her?

 

Anyway, yeah, it probably will be a trainwreck, but not for the reasons you think it will be.

 

So the "nice guy waiting in the wings" - is that you?

[johnpennington]

I'm glad you didn't tell her this, because it is offensive. First it's a little offensive that you presume to know what is going on in his mind. Secondly, it's not nice to tell someone that they're being used for sex. It's as if you're implying that her only value is her sexuality.

 

I'm wondering why your friend is so insistent that his mother is made aware that they're dating again. Clearly the mother still doesn't like her for whatever reason - why doesn't your friend just stay away and not antagonize a mentally ill woman? And since your friend thinks that the mother "puts things in his head about her," wouldn't she just be better off having nothing to do with her?

 

Anyway, yeah, it probably will be a trainwreck, but not for the reasons you think it will be.

 

So the "nice guy waiting in the wings" - is that you?

 

Thank you. And no, the guy waiting in the wings isnt me. What are the reasons you feel it'll be a trainwreck, then?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think that might be a bit unfair to judge his motives so harshly under the circumstances. You made it clear that he is being emotionally manipulated by his mentally ill mother who hates his ex (probably out of fear of losing her son) and basically dominates his world. Any relationship he has will be fraught with complications.

 

As for your friend, she isn't developing feelings for him, they are already long established. As long as she has those feelings the new guy doesn't stand a chance.

 

I know you are concerned for her but she isn't completely naive. She is taking care not to commit herself unless everything is out in the open, and most importantly, she is keeping her daughter out of it until that happens, which is sensible.

 

She won't be able to move on until she realizes that it isn't going to work. For that to happen, they need to give it a second chance and figure it out for themselves.

 

I know it is frustrating when you think you know what would be better in the long run, but as a friend all you can do is support her decision and be there no matter what.

 

Love makes fools of us all.

[johnpennington]

I think that might be a bit unfair to judge his motives so harshly under the circumstances. You made it clear that he is being emotionally manipulated by his mentally ill mother who hates his ex (probably out of fear of losing her son) and basically dominates his world. Any relationship he has will be fraught with complications.

 

As for your friend, she isn't developing feelings for him, they are already long established. As long as she has those feelings the new guy doesn't stand a chance.

 

I know you are concerned for her but she isn't completely naive. She is taking care not to commit herself unless everything is out in the open, and most importantly, she is keeping her daughter out of it until that happens, which is sensible.

 

She won't be able to move on until she realizes that it isn't going to work. For that to happen, they need to give it a second chance and figure it out for themselves.

 

I know it is frustrating when you think you know what would be better in the long run, but as a friend all you can do is support her decision and be there no matter what.

 

Love makes fools of us all.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

The reason I was suspcious he's just looking for sex with her again is because he's in no rush to tell his mother and it's been three months. I forgot to mention it, but he told her how he likes how it's just him and her right now (no mother, and no daughter in the picture.) She told me that comment pissed her off. Because she wants stability but he's in no rush for their relationship to no longer be secret. She also said before they broke up, she used to go to his job to spend time with him, and then he would sleep in to avoid her daughter some days.

 

Thats true, the feelings are already there, but I would imagine it would be smart for her to be at a standstill with him until he tells his mother rather than hooking up and getting those strong feelings back for him. What if she keeps hooking up, gets more attached, and then he tells his mom and she explodes? Then my friend would've ended up hurting herself.

 

I agree, she won't be able to move on until she knows for sure it's not going to work. It just seemed pretty evident to me the first time. We're really close so she tells me these things-- but she's still hooking up with the new guy she likes only because her ex wont tell his mom, so she isnt fully committing herself yet.

[johnpennington]

I think that might be a bit unfair to judge his motives so harshly under the circumstances. You made it clear that he is being emotionally manipulated by his mentally ill mother who hates his ex (probably out of fear of losing her son) and basically dominates his world. Any relationship he has will be fraught with complications.

 

As for your friend, she isn't developing feelings for him, they are already long established. As long as she has those feelings the new guy doesn't stand a chance.

 

I know you are concerned for her but she isn't completely naive. She is taking care not to commit herself unless everything is out in the open, and most importantly, she is keeping her daughter out of it until that happens, which is sensible.

 

She won't be able to move on until she realizes that it isn't going to work. For that to happen, they need to give it a second chance and figure it out for themselves.

 

I know it is frustrating when you think you know what would be better in the long run, but as a friend all you can do is support her decision and be there no matter what.

 

Love makes fools of us all.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

The reason I was suspcious he's just looking for sex with her again is because he's in no rush to tell his mother and it's been three months. And he cut the cord with her the first time, saying he doesn't give second chances, and not responding to her whenever she tried to reach out to him after the first breakup. I forgot to mention it, but he told her how he likes how it's just him and her right now (no mother, and no daughter in the picture.) She told me that comment pissed her off. Because she wants stability but he's in no rush for their relationship to no longer be secret. She also said before they broke up, she used to go to his job to spend time with him, and then he would sleep in to avoid her daughter some days.

 

Thats true, the feelings are already there, but I would imagine it would be smart for her to be at a standstill with him until he tells his mother rather than hooking up and getting those strong feelings back for him. What if she keeps hooking up, gets more attached, and then he tells his mom and she explodes? Then my friend would've ended up hurting herself.

 

I agree, she won't be able to move on until she knows for sure it's not going to work. It just seemed pretty evident to me the first time. We're really close so she tells me these things-- but she's still hooking up with the new guy she likes only because her ex wont tell his mom, so she isnt fully committing herself yet.

[mmmike]

Thanks for your input.

 

The reason I was suspcious he's just looking for sex with her again is because he's in no rush to tell his mother and it's been three months. And he cut the cord with her the first time, saying he doesn't give second chances, and not responding to her whenever she tried to reach out to him after the first breakup. I forgot to mention it, but he told her how he likes how it's just him and her right now (no mother, and no daughter in the picture.) She told me that comment pissed her off. Because she wants stability but he's in no rush for their relationship to no longer be secret. She also said before they broke up, she used to go to his job to spend time with him, and then he would sleep in to avoid her daughter some days.

 

Thats true, the feelings are already there, but I would imagine it would be smart for her to be at a standstill with him until he tells his mother rather than hooking up and getting those strong feelings back for him. What if she keeps hooking up, gets more attached, and then he tells his mom and she explodes? Then my friend would've ended up hurting herself.

 

I agree, she won't be able to move on until she knows for sure it's not going to work. It just seemed pretty evident to me the first time. We're really close so she tells me these things-- but she's still hooking up with the new guy she likes only because her ex wont tell his mom, so she isnt fully committing herself yet.

 

No offense, but you sound like a bit of a busy body. A real friend would let her friend figure things out for herself without trying to influence her decision. You should let her find her own path and be there for her in whatever she decides. If she gets burned in this, be there for her. If she finds happiness, be there for her and be happy for her. Stop trying to control what she does about this guy. It's truly nine of your business other than to be there for her as a friend to listen.

[johnpennington]

No offense, but you sound like a bit of a busy body. A real friend would let her friend figure things out for herself without trying to influence her decision. You should let her find her own path and be there for her in whatever she decides. If she gets burned in this, be there for her. If she finds happiness, be there for her and be happy for her. Stop trying to control what she does about this guy. It's truly nine of your business other than to be there for her as a friend to listen.

 

I never said I wouldnt be there for her. My question was, what are your opinions on the outcome of the situation